Pregnancy, Babies and Children EVERYWHERE!

I have had to learn to deal with the sting of pregnancy announcements. I used to cry every time I found out that someone close to me was pregnant. I got so jealous and could not get over how unfair it was when a person who wasn't even trying easily became pregnant and I could not even do it with medications and perfect timing. There are all these TV shows about pregnant teenagers and stories in the news about abandoned babies and I just think: Why do they get to have babies and I don’t? Why is it so easy for these people to get pregnant and so hard for me? It's not fair!!!

I remember the day my younger sister called and told me she was pregnant with her first baby. She had been dating her boss (who is now her husband) for just over a month when she found out they were expecting and I had been trying to get pregnant for about 2 years. I remember the day I got the call with the news: I was at a carnival with a single friend. She had brought her nieces and nephews and I had brought the son and daughter of another friend of mine. The kids were on rides and we were waiting for them when my sister called and told me. I walked away from my friend and stood behind a tree so she wouldn’t see me cry. I was so upset, but managed to fight back my tears so when I rejoined my friend she would know that news of a baby made me cry because I was ashamed that I was not happy for my sister. What kind of a person cries when they find out they are going to be an aunt?! I didn’t want to be an aunt though; I wanted to be a mom! Within minutes of talking to my sister, both of my parents called to make sure I was okay. They both knew how hard the news must be for me and even offered words of encouragement, praising me on caring so much for friends’ kids and telling me that someday it would happen for me too.

By the time my sister found out she was having a girl, I was used to the idea and talking to her about her pregnancy did not hurt quite so much. I actually found that buying things for my unborn niece made me feel a little better. I walked by the baby section every time I went to Walmart and always left with an item of clothing. I got a small amount of joy out of buying baby things even if they weren’t for my own baby. I even started to get excited about a baby coming into my family. For the first time there would be a baby I could visit and hold whenever I wanted. Anyone else close to me having a baby still would have been painful, but my sister having a baby was a little exciting because even though the baby was not mine, I knew I would always be a big part of her life and she would be a big part of mine. Now that baby is NINE years old and I just adore her. I see so much of myself in her that it makes me even more excited to have a baby of my own someday and have the opportunity to raise a child and see reflections of Ryan and me in them, as they become the person they will be.

My niece Mackenzie at birth, 2 years and now

In the twelve years since I first started trying to get pregnant I have learned to look at pregnancies and babies in an entirely different way. Since Ryan and I started actively trying to conceive three years ago, three of our sisters have become pregnant a combined total of FIVE times and we have welcomed three nephews and one niece into the world, with another nephew due to make his appearance in three weeks. I have come to realize that babies are a blessing no matter who they come to. A new life coming into the world is a happy thing for a family (the WHOLE family) and often the happiest time in a couple's life together. A pregnant woman or a new baby does not deserve to be blamed for my pain. It still stings a little, but now I am able to be happy for the pregnant woman and be around her without feeling envious and resentful.

I can hold new babies after they are born without fighting back tears of sorrow. I will admit that when I am staring at your tiny new child in my arms I am secretly imagining what it will be like to someday hold my own while I take in the way that baby feels in my arms. Having that dream makes me happy in that moment. The sadness always returns, but for a few minutes I can get lost in my dream of motherhood and feel okay. It still stings to hear of new pregnancies or babies, and sometimes pictures of friends' newborn babies still bring me to tears but I am now able to move on from the sting of it into a good place rather into a sad, empty place. 

One last thing about pregnancy: I hate hearing women complain about how miserable they are being pregnant because I would give anything to be in their shoes. What is even worse is when friends think they are protecting me by keeping me in the dark- I want to know when you get pregnant! I want to attend your baby showers and your babies' first birthdays! I want a baby more than anything, but I also love babies and children--even if I never have a child of my own I still want to have children be a part of my life and have the privilege of being a part of theirs.

Over the years since I first became an aunt I have learned to really embrace that role. Being an aunt means that I still get to be an important person in a child's life even if it is not a child that I am raising in our home. Sometimes it is even better to be an aunt because I get all of the good and all of the fun with very little bad and even less discipline! Sometimes they say something so sweet or make me a card or gift and I am reminded just how special it is to be an aunt-I cannot imagine life without the presence of children. I get to spoil my nieces and nephews with presents and little surprises every once in a while, and now that my sister's two daughters are getting older, Ryan and I let them have sleepovers at our house and take them to movies (they love to cook breakfast with me in the morning). Some fun things we've done recently include:

1. I babysat my youngest sister's almost-two-year-old twice a week while she was in school spring semester.
2. Last Halloween Ryan and I threw a costume party and invited Ryan's sisters and their families over for a movie, dinner and treats. 
3. I went to the zoo last fall with my sister-in-law and nephews.
4. Ryan and I took my nieces to the new aquarium a few weeks ago.
5. My sister and her daughters celebrated Easter with us this year. 
6. This weekend I am hosting a baby shower for my youngest sister to help welcome our newest nephew. 

Just today Ryan's sister and her five boys came over to help in the garden. Not to mention the countless family gatherings and dinners we have attended over the last year! Even though we don't have our own kids, we still get to have so much fun with kids!

I know being around kids or babies at all can be very painful for women struggling with infertility. Being around pregnant women and babies is still hard on me too sometimes. With close friends and family I have decided I would rather embrace my roles of aunt, sister and friend at gatherings rather than dwelling on the mother role I am missing out on because I would rather be a part of family events than miss them. The more I am around our siblings, parents, nieces and nephews the more I realize just what a great family we will one day get to bring a child into!

Easiest Appointment Yet!

This morning Ryan and I went in for my screening ultrasound to make sure my body is ready to go ahead with embryo transfer number two. This cycle has been much easier than the fresh transfer cycle already for several reasons:

1. No Follicle Stimulating Hormones (FSH): These are the shots that were painful and left bruises everyday (not just when I hit a bad spot like I have done this week to get the 2 lovely purple spots I have on my tummy now!) The FSH injections were also responsible for most of the yucky side effects I had last time, which brings me to:
2. No uncomfortable side effects! My ovaries were swollen from the overproduction caused by the hormones, which not only made my bladder feel full more often than normal, but also made me feel extremely bloated and uncomfortable all of the time. I felt fat and was not allowed to exercise or do anything about it, so I sat at home and tried to eat healthy (until I gave in and gave up-on the healthy part, not the eating part.)
3. No elevated estrogen levels: no risk of Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS). This was the main reason I was not supposed to do much of anything (which made life boring) and also the reason I had to drink a ton of Gatorade every day which ended up giving me terrible stomachaches. I felt fragile and sick for almost a week! (And hopefully without elevated estrogen levels I will not experience the night sweats I did when the levels dropped last time.)
4. No hCG; this was only an issue for a few days, but it was a glimpse into pregnancy: I felt nauseous pretty much all the time. When I was hungry I would get nauseous then I would eat and feel better for a few minutes until whatever I ate started making me feel nauseous and smells would make it even worse! I remember talking to someone with bad breath and thinking I was going to lose it right there on the floor!
5. Fewer injections: this time around I have been on Lupron since the end of April, then Estrace (estrogen supplement) a week later. So far that is it! Last time I had 3 different injections every morning as well as the hCG injection 36 hours before egg retrieval then antibiotics for a week and progesterone injections for two.

Today's appointment made it even more evident that a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) cycle is a piece of cake compared to a fresh cycle. We walked in, went to a room, I stripped from the waist down, the doctor came in and we started the ultrasound. She checked to see if my uterine lining was "good and fluffy" which would mean it was ready for implantation and measured my ovaries. My uterus looked great and ovaries looked small (normal sized) and calm which is exactly the way things should be. Five minutes after undressing I was redressing-it was THAT FAST! I think it might have been the fastest ultrasound I have ever had, plus it did not hurt at all (like it did last time) which is always a bonus.

After the ultrasound we talked to two nurses: one was the one who was so sweet and called us from home with our pregnancy test results the first time and the other was new to us. They went over our calendar for the next few weeks: in two days I will stop the Lupron injections, reduce the estrogen from three pills a day to one and start progesterone injections (twice the dose I had before because this time it is a replacement rather than just a supplement...it's amazing the extra hormones your ovaries produce when overstimulated). At Ryan's request I had them draw new circles on my back so he would know where to aim when giving me the progesterone shots. This time we requested they draw with a Sharpie so they will not wash off as easily. The new circles are quite a bit lower than last time...I think my tattoo threw the nurse off last time.

We found out that the embryo only takes about two hours to thaw, so they will thaw one and if it doesn't work then they thaw another until they get a viable embryo. Usually embryos will make it through the thawing process just fine, but if not they will just keep thawing one at a time until it works (hopefully it works on the first try!) Most importantly, and the news everyone has been waiting for: our embryo transfer will be next Tuesday! Someone will call us with an exact time on Monday, but it will likely be mid-morning.

I am very excited, but I feel a lot more normal this time around. I feel fine physically, which is probably a huge reason. Last time was hard because I already had some of the physical symptoms of pregnancy just because of the hormones (of course we will see how the progesterone changes things) so once the embryo was inside me I was sure I was pregnant. This time around also seems easier because I have already been through it all once. It is less expensive this time and we have enough embryos to try five more times after this if we need to. In a week I am sure I will be back to Googling every little symptom and spasm, but for now I just feel happy and hopeful!

Fears and Miscarriages

Repeated miscarriages are a type of infertility. Although a miscarriage is something I have never experienced, I have people close to me who have experienced them. My grandmother lost eight pregnancies (some early and some several months in) between her first and second babies and my mother had a miscarriage when I was about nine years old. I remember her crying on the couch when my dad told me and my sisters that the baby just was gone. My usually active mom didn't get out of bed for a few days and my dad stayed home and took care of us. I did not understand just how hard that must have been for them emotionally until I started actually trying to get pregnant.

My mother-in-law, who had four miscarriages between her children, told me that she had to remind herself each time that she had not lost a baby, but had lost a pregnancy. This really helped me after our first failed IVF cycle. In my mind each of our embryos was a little miracle baby waiting to grow and develop in my womb. When our pregnancy test came up negative I was so devastated. For the long two-week wait I had pictured that little embryo safe inside me and imagined it growing into a healthy baby. I was sure I was pregnant. It was so hard to find out I wasn’t and that the embryo was just GONE. It helped me feel less sad to think of the loss as a pregnancy that wasn't meant to be rather than a baby that could've been. I cannot imagine how much worse that devastation would have been if the test had been positive and then I had miscarried.

About two years ago, my husband and I went out to dinner with another couple. They had a daughter who was about two and she had recently become pregnant again and miscarried. As is not unusual with me, over dinner I told her all about our infertility woes. I told her how frustrating it was that I had been tracking cycles for months and peeing on ovulation strips daily and timing everything just right, but with no luck. She said possibly the worst thing she could have said to me: “I know how you feel.” She then told me that they had been excited for baby #2, but had miscarried a few months ago and now they were getting ready to try again.

I was polite and sensitive to her feelings on the outside, but inside I was enraged that she would compare her one miscarriage to my YEARS of trying without success and tell me she knew how I felt-she had no idea how I felt! She had a child and since she had become pregnant the two previous times without any trouble I was sure she could easily get pregnant again. I found myself jealous (as ashamed as I am to admit it) for 2 reasons: 

1. I was childless and she already had a 2-year-old that she conceived without a problem (although I know that didn't make the miscarriage any less painful for her), and
2.  She had miscarried: meaning that she had been pregnant-a second time! I didn't even know if I could get pregnant. I had never experienced a positive pregnancy test, or hope of one-my periods were like clockwork.

I found myself wishing for a miscarriage (just one though) because at least then I would know that I could get pregnant! I know it sounds completely crazy, but I thought if I could just get pregnant once and know that I could achieve a pregnancy, then I would know for sure that I would someday carry and give birth to a child of my own. My biggest fear is being told that I won't be able to get pregnant-EVER-because it would literally crush all hope of the dream of pregnancy ever happening for me. (I have nightmares about going in for a routine surgery and waking up to discover they had to remove my uterus!) I admit reoccurring miscarriages are a close second worst fear though...I can't imagine what it would be like to feel the excitement of a pregnancy only to be devastated by the loss of it time and time again.

That same friend got pregnant again within a few months and now has another beautiful little girl. Looking back I think she was in a painful place and just needed someone to talk to. I was too lost in my own painful place to offer the kind of sympathy I wish I could have. Now I think I would be more understanding. I have a calm resolve about my own situation and it has made me feel less anger and jealousy towards those who do not understand exactly what I am going through. I also understand that although she may not have understood what I was going through, I had never had a miscarriage I had no idea what she was going through either.

As for my desire for a miscarriage, that has passed. I guess you could say I came to my senses. I would rather wonder if I will ever get pregnant than wonder if I will ever be able to stay pregnant. I have a friend who had miscarriage after miscarriage (I think 4 or 5 of them) before she got her miracle baby and I cannot imagine the pain she must have felt experiencing the joy of a pregnancy, the fear of a loss and then the devastation of that loss becoming a reality over and over again. My biggest fear right now is that IVF will work and I will become pregnant and then I will have a miscarriage. Losing a pregnancy that was real would be so much harder than losing a pregnancy that might have been. I know that when I do become pregnant, for the first few months I am going to be a NERVOUS WRECK.

Moving Forward

After finding out that our first IVF cycle had failed I did not really start to feel better until after I talked to my doctor to figure out what we could do next (and how soon we could do it). I felt a little lost and defeated all weekend. First thing Monday morning I called the clinic and scheduled an appointment to meet with our doctor for a consultation. The soonest they could get me in was Wednesday afternoon. Not long after I scheduled the appointment Ryan called from work and said that Dr. Moore had actually left him a message on his cell phone offering his sympathies and saying that he could just talk to us on the phone about what to do next. He said to send him an email letting him know a good time when he could talk to both of us. So I cancelled my appointment and emailed my doctor to schedule a phone call instead.

That afternoon I got a fun surprise. My sister-in-law stopped by with our two nephews to see how I was doing and tell me they were sorry that IVF hadn't worked this time around. The youngest nephew was feeling sick and waiting in the car, so they couldn't stay long but they brought me cookies and a coloring book. She had taken the kids to Target and told them to pick something out for me. They had chosen a coloring book and crayons because I was probably sitting in bed and they thought that would give me something to do. It was so sweet of them all to come by! I have colored in that coloring book with my nieces nearly every time they have come to visit since then, so it has turned out to be a fun gift and I think of my sister-in-law and her kids every time I see it. She finished the visit with a hug from her and another from my mother-in-law (who lives about four hours away and could not be there herself).

That night after Ryan got home from work we called Dr. Moore on his cell phone and talked to him for about thirty minutes. He said that they really don't know why it doesn't work sometimes. He also said that often frozen embryo transfers have better success rates than fresh transfers. The first thing I had to do was start taking birth control pills again. Since I had already started my period over the weekend, I would start the pills the following day. In 2-3 weeks he wanted me to come in for an endometrial biopsy. He explained that endometrial biopsies were used to improve the chance of the embryo implanting when they timed it about 4 weeks before an embryo transfer. They only did the procedure on women who had previously had an unsuccessful transfer with a good quality embryo. All of this meant that we would be able to try again in about 6-7 weeks. That was not as soon as I had hoped, but it still was a relief to have a new plan in place. It gave me something to focus on and look forward to. Those who know me know that I plan ahead for EVERYTHING!

A few days later one of the nurses emailed me and said that Dr. Moore would like me to have a sonohysterogram before we did the endometrial biopsy just to make sure the polyp I had removed previously had not grown back. As it turned out I was able to do both at the same appointment so I scheduled it for March 28, 2014.

Our appointment brought another surprise. Watching the doctor do the sonohysterogram (to learn what that feels like, read about my first one here) I could tell something was wrong: he had such a serious look on his face as he looked studiously at the ultrasound and he kept having the nurse inject more fluid. It seemed to last forever (which is bad because it hurts). After he was done he told Ryan and I that he had seen something on the ultrasound that he suspected was scar tissue from the polypectomy I had in November by the way it moved when the fluid moved past it. He showed us a picture on the screen and it just looked like little bands of thin tissue. He said there was a possibility it was just some endometrial tissue not scar tissue, but the only way to tell was with another hysteroscopy to get a better look and then remove whatever it was.

They did not check for scar tissue before our first IVF cycle because it is so rare (it only happens in 5% of cases) so it is not usually a concern. After removing the scar tissue they would leave a small balloon inflated in my uterus for about a week (which sounded awful to me) to keep the sides from touching each other and more scar tissue from forming. The bad news was because of the time needed to heal, our second IVF cycle would likely be delayed for about two more months (which meant late June). That was the part that was most upsetting to me. We left the doctor's office very disappointed. It seemed like it was one thing after another! I felt like I should be relieved that maybe we knew why the first embryo transfer did not work, but instead I was upset that we had not checked sooner so we could've had this taken care of before.

We went in for my hysteroscopy on April 3. This one was much easier than the first one. It was a smaller area they had to cut into so it was done as an in-office procedure under conscious sedation (like I had for the egg retrieval) rather than under full anesthesia in a hospital like my first hysteroscopy. After the procedure we found out that the bands of what looked like scar tissue were actually just what the doctor called "wispy polyps" that they had been able to easily snip off. The doctor who did the procedure said that they were not something that would've interfered with implantation our first time around and that I would heal quickly so we could start preparing for our frozen embryo transfer in a couple of weeks.

That was good news and bad news. I felt good knowing that there was nothing we could've done to potentially change the outcome of our first embryo transfer, but it was also worrisome because now we again had no idea why it didn't work so we had no assurance to make us think the second try would be more successful. Overall I was still grateful that we had done the procedure because I felt like we were doing everything possible to make my uterus a welcoming home to a growing embryo and help the process to be a success. One good thing about procedures like this is that you go home feeling a little groggy...sometimes you need a day to turn your mind off and just sleep to get you bearings back.

The recovery this time around was also easier than the previous hysteroscopy. I stayed down the day of the procedure and felt a little crampy after. The next day I felt almost completely normal. When the nurses called to get us on the schedule we discussed dates and I found out that to have Dr. Moore do the transfer we would have to wait about three extra weeks. We decided we wanted to do our next embryo transfer as soon as possible even if it meant that one of the other doctors would do the actual procedure. She emailed me a new calendar and we began planning for our first frozen embryo transfer that would take place the week of May 26. I was already on birth control so the first step would be starting back on Lupron injections on April 27, then an endometrial biopsy the week of April 28 (read about my experience with that here).

My new (and current) calendar.

IVF Cycle #1: The Results

Our blood test to find out if I was pregnant or not was scheduled for Saturday March 8, 2014. Since I just had to go to the lab to have my blood drawn, they did not give me a specific time. On Saturdays they were open from around 8:00 am until noon. Earlier in the week I had emailed the IVF nurses to see if I could go to the Daybreak location in South Jordan location instead of the one by the University of Utah because it is much closer to our house. I said that if they were not open on Saturdays I would rather make the drive to the University than have to wait until Monday. One of the nurses emailed me back and said that yes I could take it at the Daybreak office. She also called my progesterone vaginal gel prescription (so we could stop the injections) into that office so I could start it that day if we got a positive result and told me to wait until I got my results to pick it up.

I woke up somewhat early (for me) and got ready. We were at the Daybreak office by about 9:30 am. We were both excited and nervous. Before they drew my blood I asked how long it would take to get the results. There were two young women working in the lab that day. The one that walked me back said they usually called with results within a couple of hours. After the other girl came in and drew my blood I verified that they would call me around 11 or so and she said that no, they had to send the blood out to anther lab. The first girl seemed as surprised as I was and the second one explained that on Saturdays a courier picked up the blood samples around 12:30 and that they wouldn't have the results until after 2:00 or 3:00 pm! Ryan and I were both so disappointed. We thought we were going to find out the results while we were there.

Before we left we stopped by the pharmacy to pick up my prescription; we could not wait to pick it up after we got the results because the pharmacy also closed at noon on Saturdays. On the drive home I tried calling the main number for the IVF clinic and left a message (they don't have a receptionist on Saturdays). Once we got home I started getting very frustrated. The results were not going to be in until after the clinic was closed, so I really just wanted to know if we would for sure be getting the results that day. 

Ryan went in to work for a few hours. I spent the next hour impatiently calling every number I could find trying to get someone to get one of the IVF nurses on the phone. One person I talked to said that they would not give me the results until the doctor reviewed them on Monday! I also sent an email to the IVF nurses hoping between that and my voicemail I would get a response (I was pretty sure there was only one nurse working on the weekend, so I just hoped she wasn't too busy to check messages!) We decided that if we did not hear from anyone by 4:00 pm that we would just take a home pregnancy test. We had decided early on that we were not going to "cheat" by taking a home test early, but our current circumstances had made us feel like our only other option was to wait until Monday and we did not like that option! I always have pregnancy tests on hand (anyone who has TRIED to get pregnant can probably relate), so I dug one out of the vanity drawer and placed it on the bathroom counter.

Finally someone called us back. One of the nurses called Ryan. At first he was not very nice on the phone, but she calmed him down. She explained that a courier picks up all the tests from the various locations and takes them to the University location on Saturdays because that is the only lab that works on weekends. She told him that they probably would not get the blood until around 2:00 pm, and not have results until around 4:00 pm. By then everyone in the clinic would be gone, but she said she would call to see if the lab would release the results to her and then she would call us herself from home. She apologized that nobody told us how it worked and told him that next time the fastest way to get the results is to go to the University location. Ryan called me with the update, and although I was disappointed that we would have to wait for several hours, I was just relieved that we would still know that day. The same nurse also responded to my email and verified that I had picked up my prescription, just in case.

To kill some time we decided to go to a movie after Ryan got home from work. We saw "3 Days to Kill" starring Kevin Costner (somewhat entertaining movie, but neither of us really liked it much) at the District Megaplex Theaters. I put my phone on vibrate and held it on my lap so that if the nurse called I could step out and talk to her. The movie should be over before then, but we didn't want to risk missing her call. I can't remember if it was during the previews or right after the movie started that my phone vibrated. I ran out of the theater and answered it. It was the nurse. She was calling to give me instructions in case the test was positive before she left the office for the day. Ryan came out a minute later and I whispered that they did not have the results yet. She scheduled my first screening ultrasound and went over how to use the progesterone gel applicators. She said that the lab would call her at home as soon as they processed my blood sample and then she would call me. She also explained that the reason it takes so long is that it is not a regular pregnancy test; it is a beta test. Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (hCG) is produced by the body during pregnancy. It can be detected in the blood 11 days after conception (which technically happened in a lab before the embryo was even inside me) and doubles every 72 hours for the first 8-11 weeks of pregnancy. The blood test they were doing was to get my hCG levels, which would be on the rise if I was pregnant.

After the movie ended we still had not received a call with the results. We both used the restroom and as we were walking out the door I noticed that I had missed a call while I was in the restroom: the only time my phone had not been in my hand all day! I immediately called the number back. We were walking past the fountain out in front of the theater when she answered. My heart immediately sank. I could tell by her tone that she did not have good news. I stopped walking and just listened. The test was negative. She said she was so sorry and that the doctor would be in contact with me. Ryan had stopped and was facing me. I looked up at him as I asked the nurse what was next. We started walking again and she said that I could schedule an appointment to figure out what our next steps should be.

The phone call was short, but I could not have held it in much longer. As soon as I hung up I looked down and said "It didn't work." My voice was shaking and I was sobbing before I could even get the words out. Ryan put his arm around me and held me close to him as we walked to the car. I didn't even care if strangers walking by saw me sobbing or stared at me. I was so upset that I just wanted to go to bed. I stared out the window with tears pouring down my cheeks the whole drive home. Ryan held my hand and we rode in silence.

Once we got home and inside I threw all my medications in a box and put any little reminders of a baby away and out of sight, including the pregnancy test I had put on the bathroom counter earlier. Ryan came inside after me and we hugged for several minutes. I just wanted to collapse into him. I ended up in bed crying. I texted friends and family the bad news while Ryan sat on the porch crying and texting family. Eventually I fell asleep. I woke up staring at baby pajamas hanging on the knob of my dresser-the one thing I had forgotten to put away (and still have hanging where I can see them from my bed-now I look at them as a symbol of hope). I felt numb for a couple days after. It was like all of the emotional weight of the past month came crashing down. I finally let the death of my grandpa really hit me and I was angry that I had missed his funeral when it wouldn't have made any difference in this outcome if I had gone.

A few weeks later I asked Ryan why he didn't come downstairs to our bedroom where I was that day. He said that he was too upset and couldn't be strong for me so he stayed away. He didn't want to make me more upset by crying in front of me. I told him that I don't always need him to be strong, I just need him to be there. I told him that it is okay for him to break down and be upset too and that those are the times we need each other most. We really are kind of alone in this together-we have tons of support from friends and family, but none of them feel the same way we do because we are in the middle of this and it is happening to us. That night we had a few minutes to talk and mourn the loss we felt together. I think it helped us heal and grow a little closer.

I still get sad thinking about it-we were both so excited and I was so sure it was going to work that it was a HUGE letdown. We had an emotional roller coaster of a day, but we know how it works and where to go to speed things along now (From this experience I learned to always ask questions and never make assumptions). I don't think it will be as hard this next time if the results are negative because it won't be as surprising; we will have experienced the pain and disappointment before.  It seems like it HAS to get easier. I hope I don't have to experience that feeling again though. Even though I have hope, I now know firsthand that sometimes you just have to heal and try again.

IVF Cycle #1: The 2 Week Wait

Anyone who has tried to get pregnant has experienced the anxiety of the Two Week Wait (2WW). Whether you have tracked cycles, done an IUI or gone through IVF you know just how long that two weeks can seem. For those who have not experienced this (you are lucky), the Two Week Wait is the two weeks between ovulation (the time of month when a woman can get pregnant) and your period due date-or in other words, the time you can test to find out if you are in fact pregnant. My embryo transfer was done on February 24, 2013 and I had to wait until March 8 to go in for my pregnancy test (technically my 2WW was only 12 days).

I don't think most people realize just how hard it is to get pregnant. The average woman only has a 25% chance of getting pregnant each month and the time when conception can actually occur is only about a 36 hour window each month. Until I started actively trying to become pregnant (tracking my cycles and using ovulation prediction kits) I thought that you could get pregnant any time of the month (although, since you have no idea when ovulation will occur, I guess you kinda could). There is no set time between your period and ovulation (all women's cycles vary), but your period will almost always come 13-14 days after ovulation occurs. Learning all of this, I was amazed that ANYONE could just get pregnant without making some kind of an effort to time it just right!

I think that the worst part of the Two Week Wait for me was not knowing if what I was feeling was the effects of the hormone injections or actual pregnancy hormones. My estrogen level was still elevated some (which it will be if you're pregnant as well) and I was still getting daily progesterone injections (Ryan was a pro at those from day one).  I have never been so in tune with my body. EVERY little cramp became significant. Once the bloating and heartburn (from all that Gatorade I had to drink) subsided I felt pretty normal except for some mild cramping, which I took as a good sign. Cramping (as well as some spotting) can be a sign of implantation. After IVF, implantation of that little embryo is the one thing I was praying for! I had mild cramping for two days, then it got a little worse for a day and was mild off and on for two more. I thought for sure this had to be a good sign...the embryo was implanting and my uterine lining was preparing-what else could it be?

On the fourth day I went to my class at the U of U and after walking back to my car (if you've been to the U you know there are lots of hills and no such thing as a short walk or a close parking spot) I started getting these painful back spasms-so bad that it hurt to breath or move at all! This I knew was not a sign of pregnancy, but it made the wait feel that much longer! I figured that because I had been taking it easy for a couple weeks and then had been on bed rest for three days, my muscles were just not used to moving that much and even a little walk up a hill was enough to do them in! I was in pain for FIVE days; it always started off mild and got worse as the day went on and I did more, until I would have to call it a day and park myself on the couch. I was putting heat on my lower back every night until it started getting better and then after five days just went away.

For a couple of days during the first week I had slight pains in my lower right abdomen (similar to ovulation pains which I get every month, thanks to my endometriosis) that would last for a few hours then go away. During the second week I had a few days where I would get these slight twinges of pain in my breasts. Every time I had any little symptom I was googling it to see if other women had experienced the same thing and gotten a positive pregnancy test.

I was so sure that it was going to work. Everyone was wishing us luck and praying for us. I would put my hands on my lower abdomen multiple times a day as if I were protecting our sweet little embryo inside me and think pregnancy thoughts. I was mostly calm and felt peaceful about the whole situation, despite the fact that I was spending hours a day looking up pregnancy symptoms and reading message boards about successful IVF stories. I was only allowing myself to think positive thoughts.

Ryan was not so positive. He was not negative either. He was just very calm, but neutral. He said he did not want to encourage me to get my hopes up too much because he knew if it didn't work that I would be that much more devastated. He said he was saving his excitement for the day we get a positive pregnancy test, until then he would just stay calm and go on living like normal. He did keep me slightly more grounded than I would have been without his realistic approach. Deep down I knew that many women do not get pregnant on their first try.

Seven days in I got the worst symptom of all: night sweats. It was a miserable experience! I would wake up 2-4 times a night soaking wet (but not hot, in fact sometimes I was cold because I was so wet). I was going through about three sets of pajamas a night and spending half of the night awake. I would wake up so soaked that my sheets would be drenched and the mattress damp underneath me. I tried sleeping on towels so that I could just change out the towels each time I woke up, but I still ended up on the leather couch most nights. I would read-sometimes for two or three hours-until I could fall back to sleep. Then I would just hope I was not going to wake up again! I was tired all day and had a hard time falling asleep at night because I was dreading the night sweats so much. This was the first bad sign. I looked it up (like I did everything else) and found that night sweats are a common sign of dropping estrogen levels (common for women going through menopause or coming off of estrogen supplements). My estrogen level had already dropped a lot since egg retrieval, but if I was pregnant it would not be dropping more, it would be leveling out or likely increasing again (slightly). I still tried to stay hopeful and thought that maybe it was the progesterone shots...I had heard progesterone causes all kinds of uncomfortable things.

The progesterone shots themselves were becoming very uncomfortable. The first shot that was so easy was not a sign of what was ahead! The shots got more painful every time and I was starting to bleed nearly every time Ryan gave me one. I had bruises and numb areas on both sides where he had been injecting me. I could not wait to find out if we were pregnant and hopefully switch to the progesterone vaginal gel (it was much more expensive, but worth it). The only advantage of the shots was that I got to see Ryan every afternoon, even if it was just for a five minute break from work! <Side note: I am dreading the progesterone injections for this upcoming cycle and my doctor said that I will have to do the injections the whole time (because they have better outcomes with the injections than the gel on frozen transfers), which is until week 10 of pregnancy if our cycle is a success!>

On Friday morning, the day before our pregnancy test, I woke up feeling a little less confident. I had the most minor symptoms (which really means nothing because most women have no symptoms this early anyway) and I just did not really "feel pregnant" (whatever that feels like). I was starting to get a bad feeling. I was an emotional wreck and cried in the shower for about thirty minutes before even starting my day. Here is an entry from my journal that morning:

       "I've been so calm these last few weeks, but now that the pregnancy test is tomorrow I'm freaking out a little! I've been so positive this whole time trying to think happy pregnancy thoughts, but now I'm terrified that I'm not pregnant. I don't know how I'm going to handle it if the test is negative. At the same time I keep wondering if I'm just freaking myself out because I've never had a positive one before so it's hard to imagine any different. I know it's going to happen for me eventually because I can (but also can't) imagine what it is going to feel like to have a big belly with a little human growing inside and I can almost feel that baby in my arms. I've just waited for so long and have been disappointed so many times before that it's hard to be excited and not brace myself for bad news. I cry when I think about hearing a positive result and I feel like crawling in a hole when I think about it being negative. I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I don't know what to say. I don't want to say anything negative out loud and put that negative energy out there. I don't want to admit how terrified I am or have people ask me questions about how I feel or why I feel that way. I just want to keep hoping and praying that it worked this time and that after all these years it's my turn to have a baby and finally become a mom. I want to stay in my head and deal with this in my own way. I want to keep saying happy things and putting positive energy out there, but it's hard. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything before."

The next morning was pregnancy testing day!

Mother's Day

Every year as Mother's Day approaches I carry a sadness that gets heavier as the day gets closer. Mother's Day is a holiday that celebrates the one role in life that I so strongly desire but have not yet been able to fill. The day itself is always tough, especially when we get together with family. Family gathering always involve hearing lots of well wishes to the mothers around me and seeing cards and gifts given to all the women but me. Sometimes it makes me feel awkward, other times I just feel invisible. I feel left out being childless on normal days and hear "just wait until you have kids" all too often (believe me...I've been waiting for a VERY long time) but an entire day of celebrating what I don't have really makes it feel like my shortcomings are being flaunted in my face!

It hurts when I am the only one who doesn't get a gift or a card from someone...I sometimes wish friends and family would be more sensitive, especially when they bring gifts for all the women in room except for me. I'm not saying that they shouldn't exchange gifts or that I expect something, just that I wish they wouldn't do it in front of me; it just reminds me of what I am missing and want so desperately.

The closest thing I can think to relate it to is being single on Valentine's Day and wondering if I would ever find someone, but it feels worse because I've been childless for this holiday EVERY YEAR OF MY LIFE! I think what if it never happens for me? Will I never get to celebrate? Will this day cause me pain for the rest of my life? It just feels so unfair. I wish we could use the day to celebrate the feminine spirit and the nurturance it provides, celebrating those who are mothers as well as those who mother others or wish to be mothers one day.

There are plenty of people who have lost children or mothers who probably struggle with this holiday as well. I know my dad has always had a hard time celebrating because he lost his own mother around Mother's Day when he was in his early 20s. My mom was always sympathetic towards him for not making a huge deal out of the holiday, but he always made sure to do something for her despite the sadness I am sure he still carries in his heart.

My dad always remembers to wish me a happy Mother's Day and will give me something as well as my sisters if he buys them gifts. He says that even though I don't have a child yet that I'm still a mother. That always makes me feel good and I appreciate that small gesture more than he knows! He even called me today just to wish me a happy Mother's Day...that was the only phone call I got today.

I have not come up with a good coping strategy. Every year is different. Last year we had a big barbecue and invited my mom and sisters and their families over. I love entertaining and having guests over for dinner, so that kept me busy and kept my mind off of me and my feelings. I love to give gifts too, so last year my husband and I spoiled my mom and sisters (we got them things they really needed but couldn't afford). It felt so good to help them out and see how happy they were (and how excited our nieces were as they helped us bring out the gifts). I really do have the greatest sisters...they are my best friends.

Ryan and I don't do much for each other because it's a painful reminder that though we are parents in our hearts, we still don't have babies in our arms. We wish each other a happy day and usually go on a date or do something special for our own parents to take our focus off of our own feelings of inadequacy.

This year we brought my mom lunch after church and then stayed at her house all afternoon relaxing and talking. Ryan napped while my mom and I went through all of her piano music and she let me borrow some new songs I want to learn to play on the piano. The time flew by and it was so nice to spend time alone with my mom. We even made some plans for the next time we can get together for a day.

Me and my Mommy

On our way home we stopped by my sister's house to drop off the Mother's Day presents I helped my nieces make yesterday. By the time we got home Mother's Day 2014 was practically over...and overall it was a good one this year.

Kenzie and Brinlee with their Mother's Day gifts I helped them make.

I have had a couple of pleasant surprises for Mother's Day this week and those acts have kindness have made me feel so loved and made this week easier than past years have been. Today, my sister-in-law posted message on my wall on Facebook wishing me a Happy Mother's Day and saying that she thinks I am an amazing aunt and that I inspire her to be a better mom and aunt. I look at her as such a great example of a mother, so that came as a great compliment! I love her and just wish she lived closer so I could see her and her family more. I am so lucky to have gained three wonderful sisters when I married Ryan.

Yesterday my husband's best friend, Matt showed up at my house with my sister to surprise me with a Mother's Day lunch. He took my sister and I (along with the kids and Ryan) out to lunch to The Olive Garden for Mother's Day then out or ice cream after. It felt so good to be included and remembered on a weekend when I usually feel forgotten. I am so grateful for Matt and his kindness.

Last weekend at my youngest sister's birthday party (which kind of doubled as a Mother's Day dinner), my 9-year-old niece, Kenzie (other sister's daughter) gave me a Mother's Day card she had made for me. Inside the card she wrote that even though I don't have kids yet I'm like her second mom! It was the sweetest, most thoughtful message. I smile every time I look at it on my fridge. I just love her! She even lit candles for all the moms to blow out and make a wish. She lit one for me (as well as my mom and my sisters) because she said she knows I'm a mom on the inside and a mom to Saisha (my 13-year-old dog).

I do have my fur-baby, Saisha. With her every day is Mother's Day! She is SOOO excited to see me every time I come home-she looks so sad watching from the living room window as I drive away any time I leave and acts like I've been gone for a week even when I leave for an hour. She whines until we call her up on our bed with us every morning and cuddles with us when we watch movies. I feed her and take care of her just like a mother does. We tuck her in at night and I take pictures of her sleeping. I get excited when I see her excited. She follows me around the house and keeps me company when I work in the garden. I've loved her for 13 years now. She may not be a human baby but she is my baby.

Our Little Family

This year it has been hard reading posts and seeing pictures of gifts on Facebook and hearing friends speak of how grateful they are to be moms. I'm happy for them, and I'm very grateful for my own mom and mom-in-law. There are so many great moms in my life and they all have such lucky children. If only I could focus on just that. I imagine this is how people who wish to marry but have been single for most of their lives feel at weddings. It is hard seeing so many friends having 3rd, 4th or 5th babies. I even get sad when I hear someone say "this is my last" because I don't even have my first; I feel sad for my unborn children because none of our friends will have kids their age to play with our kids. I try to turn that around and think of how showered with attention our little ones might be by all the older kids, especially our nieces and nephews who all just love new babies. With IVF coming up in a couple weeks I just keep thinking that maybe next year will be the first Mother's Day I get to celebrate as a mother to a child of my own...I really hope so. This year I just want to say thank you to all of those who thought of me this year and Happy Mother's Day to all the women in my life!