I had just taken what I thought was my last vacation before IVF. My sister and I spent 4 days in San Francisco and Napa where we toured several wineries, shopped and relaxed.
Ryan and I were planning for our first embryo transfer in January and I was thinking I'd soon have my first baby's birthday to celebrate in October along with my birthday and Ryan's and my anniversary.
We were playing Secret Santa to 2 little girls and daydreaming about shopping for our own baby next year and for every year after that.
I was anxiously waiting for my period to start so I could call the doctor and get us on the schedule for our first IVF cycle.
I was enjoying the Christmas season, celebrating what I thought was our last Christmas without kids, but I was focusing on our future. It was our year with Ryan's side of the family so we were in St. George the week of Christmas staying with his parents, along with Ryan's youngest sister and her family who were visiting from out of state. I was hopeful, and anxious. I was so busy looking forward to what was next for us, that I wasn't fully enjoying the present; I feel like I don't even remember a lot of last December, which makes me a little sad.
My period started just before Christmas and I was disappointed to find out that the IVF clinic couldn't get us in with our doctor until the end of February! I started on birth control pills (first step in IVF, to control my cycle) on Christmas Eve and would stay on them through the first week of February...I wouldn't even be starting on the hormone injections for another month. In the meantime I would get one more vacation...a big one: Disney World!
Now, one year later, we are about to celebrate another Christmas without kids, although this one really is our last! I'm trying not to shop for a baby who isn't here yet and I keep daydreaming about new family traditions and Christmases to come! (And a spring baby with an April birthday!)
I can't believe how different the last year was from what I imagined it would be. I really didn't think it would take THREE embryo transfers (and 8 months) to get pregnant and I never could have anticipated just how much the failed cycles would hurt emotionally. You would think I would know by now that life does not always go as planned. Looking back, I am thankful that it only took three!
One thing this year has in common with last year is the daydreaming. Now that a baby is definitely in our future the daydreams are much more real. I've been thinking about a lot more of the little details. This time next year our baby boy will be crawling and getting into things. My tree might be decorated a little differently, with ornaments out of reach of tiny hands. I might not have time to make all the cookies, fudge, truffles and sweets that I usually make for friends, family and neighbors every year. But we will get to play Santa for real in just a few short years!
This year I am still hopeful and looking forward, but I feel like I'm also taking the time to enjoy the season. I'm focusing on Ryan and I and on creating our own traditions instead of trying to keep up family traditions of the past with my sisters who have moved on with their own families.
Since Ryan and I will be spending our first Christmas in our new house alone, we are planning a quiet Christmas Eve at home where we will start our own family tradition (carrying on my childhood family tradition) of a bible story, a Christmas movie and the exchange of one gift before bed (unless we decide to take advantage of our last year as a twosome and break the rules by opening all of our gifts to each other...something we have done before!) Another little thing to enjoy: our last Christmas morning for many years to sleep in!
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| Merry Christmas! |
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