Still Pregnant!

It feels so strange to be just sitting back waiting for my body to change, waiting to feel something different. It still feels unreal and I have this irrational fear that it could disappear; I want to take a test every morning when I wake up just to be sure it's still true, that it's not a dream. Even morning sickness would make me feel relieved-like that would be a daily reassurance that something is different. (I'll probably regret that comment if sickness hits the week we're on vacation in Houston!) I have gotten so used to disappointments and negative test results that I can't believe this is finally happening for me!

Flowers, teddy bear and cookies from Ryan's sister and brother-in-law...brightened our happy Saturday!

I'm still checking every morning to see if my boobs are sore...still normal. I really don't have any symptoms-I feel TOO normal! I'm still feeling tired though and mostly just want to sit at home because it requires too much energy to do anything.

Today, however, I was very productive. I had breakfast, went to the doctor for another blood test, came home and ate lunch, then Melissa and I went to the funeral home in Spanish Fork to pick up Brandon's ashes, to the grocery store for 3 items (all I could handle by this point), picked up the kids from school, came home and had snacks then I supervised/helped the girls scrub the bathrooms. That felt like more than enough for one day! Now it's nap time (as soon as I finish writing)...for me and Melissa (who has to work all night doing inventory)-the kids are playing and watching a movie. <Note: I did sleep for over over an hour.>

My blood test this morning was a bit of an adventure. My veins are deep so they require nurses to go in blind. Today, the guy that called me back tried twice and my vein kept rolling away from him. So he went to get "the expert". Once she (the expert) came into the room she felt for another vein in a less traumatized part of my arm until my arm was practically turning purple from the tourniquet. Then she switched arms and after several minutes found a good one. She used a smaller needle and was able to poke my vein on her first try. So long story short, 2 nurses, 3 needles and 30 minutes later I was leaving the office with a stylish blue band on each arm.
 
The highlight of my day was the phone call from the IVF nurse around 1:00 with my beta count. It was 719 on Saturday and that number will typically double every 48 hours. Today-48 hours later- it is at 1887! That is more than double, which she said could be a good indication that both embryos took. We won't know for sure until our viability screening (fancy name for our first ultrasound) which I scheduled today for Wednesday September 10.

I have to admit that even though the thought of twins was scary to me months ago, now I'm kinda hoping for twins. I'm sure it would be a challenge (even a singleton would be challenging) but it would also be fun!

I'm also hoping that both embryos took because I know that a miscarriage is always a risk, but I figure the chance of losing both is very slim. I guess two just makes me feel a little more reassured that we will be bringing home at least one baby in 8 months.

My biggest complaint so far: my backside is SO sore from the progesterone injections! And I still have 5 more weeks of them ahead of me (until October 1st). I feel guilty complaining about them though, because the only reason I have to keep doing them is because I'm pregnant so I should be grateful.

I feel like time is passing so slow right now. My due date as of right now is April 29...that sounds so far away! I know everyone keeps saying it will be over before I know it, but I think this first week is going to feel as long as the 2 Week Wait! Next week we'll be in Houston, then the week we get back is our ultrasound. I can't wait for the ultrasound! I feel like seeing the embryo(s) will make it more real for me.

IVF Cycle #3 Results

I dreamed about positive pregnancy tests all night until just before 7 when Kenzie woke me up to remind me that I needed to take my pregnancy test today! We had decided that since we had such a full house this time (my dad is here for the weekend and Kenzie had a friend coming over to play) and it would be impossible to be alone, that we would take a home pregnancy test before going to the doctor for our blood test to make the results phone call less of a surprise. 

I'd been itching to take a test for days, but as soon as the time came, I got scared! I'd been feeling really good about this transfer and a negative result seemed impossible...which is what made it so terrifying. I laid in bed holding in my pee for 15 minutes. Who knew it would be so hard to convince myself to just do it?

Finally I couldn't hold it any more so I got up and peed on the stick. By the time I stood up to wash my hands there was already a plus sign showing in the window of the pregnancy test sitting on my counter! I couldn't believe it! This is the FIRST positive pregnancy test I have ever had! I always thought I would cry, but instead I just smiled and bounced up and down for a second. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face! Then I capped the test, washed my hands and mouthwashed (so I could have fresh breath when I delivered the news to Ryan, of course). 

My FIRST positive test EVER!

I carried the pregnancy test into Ryan who was still groggy in bed and handed it to him. I'm sure he could tell by my big grin what the result was, but he still looked at the pregnancy test and then turned on his bedside lamp to get a better look. Then he said, "Don't get too excited. Let's wait for the blood test." I told him that this clear of a positive on a home test was a good sign; home tests are not near as sensitive as blood tests. 

We hugged each other for a couple minutes-me excited and him reserved. Then I asked if he wanted to come upstairs to tell Melissa and the kids with me. I glanced up the stairs and saw Kenzie standing at the top with a huge smile on her face. I walked away so she wouldn't see me smiling and she came downstairs. I kept my back to her as she asked if I took the test and I told her we would come upstairs and tell them in a minute. 

We walked up and showed Kenzie the test first since she was practically bouncing off the walls with excitement. I told her plus means yes, minus means no. She looked at it for a minute then started laughing and jumping up and down. Melissa was just waking up on the couch so I showed it to her. She jumped up laughing and gave me the tightest hug ever! Then my dad walked in the back door and Brinlee wandered into the living room, fresh out of bed so I told both of them and we shared hugs all around before we got ready to go to the doctor and have my blood drawn for the beta count. I knew it was at LEAST 25 because it had to be for a home pregnancy test to detect the hcg hormone.

The drive to and from the doctor is the first time I've stayed awake in the car for 3 days! Which brings me to my next topic: symptoms. For all my curious friends who are also trying to conceive and obsessing during the 2-week wait, I really didn't have symptoms that couldn't be attributed to the hormones I'm on, until yesterday when I'm pretty sure I peed more liquid than I took in (frequent urination is a symptom that is usually caused by rising hCG levels). 

Starting on Tuesday (9 days post transfer) I was feeling tired (which can be a side effect of the progesterone injections). I thought I was just worn out from the busyness of the last couple of weeks, but then while we were in Idaho it got worse: I fell asleep every time we got in the car, took naps a couple hours after waking up and was in bed (and exhausted) by 11 every night...not like me at all! 

Me napping in Idaho

Starting Wednesday I felt like no matter how much I ate I was never completely full and always hungry again within an hour. I'm hungry now, but nothing sounds good...in fact the thought of most food turns my stomach right now.

I also have had some cramping for the last week. I was scared it was my period trying to break through, but I guess it was just my uterus changing to make room for the growing embryo as it implanted. I had no CM, where most have lots during pregnancy so I was afraid that was a bad sign (probably tmi for those of you not going through this) and I woke up every morning and felt my boobs to see if they were sore (that's usually one of the first signs)...they still feel completely normal.

After going to the clinic for the blood draw this morning at 8:00, we came home and I ate breakfast and took a nap (shocking, right?) while we waited for the call. And then we waited some more. Finally Ryan got impatient and started trying to get ahold of them around 11:30 (a hard thing to do on a Saturday). Just after noon he reached the nurse. She said my beta is over 700! That's high for how far along I am so she said there's a good chance that BOTH embryos stuck! We might be having twins!!! 

I can't believe I am FINALLY pregnant!!! It seems so weird! I'm so excited and so glad we have some HAPPY news to share this time! I'm also feeling a bit impatient...I'm excited to experience pregnancy, but I'm more excited to meet this little baby or babies! I keep having to slow myself down and focus on the next milestones: more blood tests and ultrasounds next week! I don't "feel pregnant"...all I want to do is sleep, but I'm too excited to nap right now!

Lives Forever Changed

This week I've realized that my life is never going to be the same. I have always been close to my sister's two daughters, but now that they've lost their father their lives are forever changed and they are going to need me and Ryan more than they ever did before. My sister lost her best friend and husband, so her life is also changed forever. I think she is going to need us more than she ever thought she would.

Right now that change is very evident because the three of them are living with us. Ryan and I left yesterday to go visit his grandma for a couple days and after just being gone for one day I find that I miss my sister and her kids. I worried about the kids at school yesterday on their first day and I worried about my sister being alone last night for the first time since losing her husband. I realized that even though they need me more, I am already used to this change in my life and I need them too. I'm already getting used to the chaos and excitement of having kids in our home.

Being away from home last night, my shot was not the big exciting production it has been this week. The girls get so excited to watch Ryan jab me with a needle every night before they go to bed and always beg me after to poke them with a needle so they can see what it feels like! I assure them that it doesn't feel good. They've seen me bleed (we had a real gusher last weekend) and they've seen my bruises. Even though it seems weird to hear kids begging to get a shot, it's also a little flattering that they want so badly to experience for themselves something I have to go through every night. (Don't worry...I'm not going to stab any kids with needles!)

Top two: my left side bruises at various stages of healing; Bottom: bruise on my right side from a few nights ago (it doesn't look that bad but there is a big, hard lump behind it!)

Melissa even got in on the excitement and Ryan helped HER give me my shot a couple of nights ago. The girls fought over a spot to stand for the best view. This was a big deal! Melissa has always been scared of needles and less than two weeks ago, as she and Brandon watched me get my shot she assured me if Ryan is ever unavailable Brandon would be happy to give me my shot, but she could never do it. She overcame her fear though and did perfect! I barely even felt the needle go in, it was done before I realized and I didn't bleed a drop. She kept her hands steady and it was all just smooth. I was so proud of her!

Without the kids around today, nobody will ask me how many more days til I find out if I'm pregnant (it's only 2 by the way). I feel like the girls have been bringing my focus back to the possible baby (or two) growing inside me. I don't know if it's just their hopefulness rubbing off on me, but I have a really good feeling about it this time!

I am also getting a little more nervous about twins. Between having my nieces (ages 7 and 9) live with us full time and babysitting my other niece (2) and nephew (2 months) a couple times these past few weeks, I understand why people only have one baby at a time-and I definitely don't want 4 kids! Keeping up with two kids, a toddler (who I can't lift right now because I'm supposed to be taking it easy...I know, funny right?) and a baby is exhausting! 

I did get an hour and a half of baby napping in with Dylan on Tuesday evening while Brinlee and Bailey played/"helped" their moms change Melissa's oil in her car in the backyard (yes my sisters are superstars). As tired as I was, I was not able to nap with him; every time I was about to doze off Kenzie would say something to me! She was so helpful though: grabbing Dylan's bottle or a blanket so I wouldn't have to move him off my chest. Maybe a nine year gap between kids would be good...

Dylan sleeping peacefully...while I wished I was sleeping too!

The girls are all so hyper when they get together with Bailey and the baby usually gets so fussy (probably because he constantly gets woken up by the squealing girls running wild). Cleaning up lunch after the kids is a big job and my living room looks like a tornado went through it by the time they're done playing! Fortunately they are all old enough to help clean up, when I can get them all to cooperate-Brinlee is really good at saying no as she dances to another room (we're working on that).

The meltdowns have been more frequent as emotions have been running high (I admit that I've had a couple myself). Brinlee gets so nasty sometimes that it's appalling! She gets angry and stubborn. Melissa had to literally drag her to the car the other day because she didn't want to go. She calls her sister (or me or Melissa) names when she's mad and is a pro at pushing buttons. I know she's worse than normal because she doesn't know how to process her loss and let out her emotions. 

Kenzie is the opposite: she just plain breaks down sobbing when she doesn't get her way or feels like Brinlee is being mean. Any time I tell her no she runs crying to her mom. Sometimes mom can help her work it out and sometimes Kenzie ends up crying on the floor between her bed and the wall; which is what she did Tuesday night for about an hour because she didn't want to go to school. She went to bed sad, woke up grumpy and even refused to smile for a picture on their first day of school. Tears are a frequent thing with Kenzie these days, but she suffered a terrible loss and deserves time to grieve. I think losing her dad is at the root of her tears, but they come out over everything because she's having trouble processing her loss.

It's hard to see the kids this way because I know there are some strong underlying emotions causing their behavior. It's like Melissa pointed out to me the other day: they lost their house, all their stuff (that was supposed to be in storage for a week but is now there indefinitely) and their dad within 3 days. That's A LOT for a kid to handle! That's a lot for any person to handle! Melissa is getting stronger every day as she adjusts to her new normal, but I don't know if she'll ever be the same. A tragedy like this changes a person forever and Melissa was the closest one to the tragedy. It's so sad how many big changes they are going through so soon after such a great loss. It's a huge adjustment for them all.

Melissa has been talking to the school psychologist and is working with her to find a grief counseling group for the kids (and herself eventually) which I think will be hugely beneficial. All 3 of us are there for them, but we don't know how to help them process their grief. Ryan and I don't even know how to help Melissa process her grief. But we can tell she's slowly starting to heal.

I keep thinking of the 90s sitcom "Full House" because I feel like we are in a similar situation-only with fewer men. We have a widow, an aunt and an uncle helping to raise two girls. We all 3 went to take the kids to their first day of school yesterday because Ryan and I didn't want to miss it (and of course their mom wasn't going to miss it)! We even worried about them and I know I thought about them all day! 

Yesterday morning was a new experience, getting up early with kids on their first day of school. Kenzie was a grump all morning because she was scared to start late and afraid she wouldn't make any friends. Brinlee was adorable in her purple dress and pigtails, bouncing around the house wearing her backpack, so excited to go to her new school. They both seemed so grown up and yet so young.

First day of 4th Grade for Kenzie and 2nd Grad for Brinlee

It all worked out in the end despite our worries: Brinlee (2nd grade) made 4 new friends in her class full of mostly girls and said her teacher is really nice. Mackenzie (4th grade) likes her teacher (her first male teacher, which might be good for her right now), made a new friend and had boys flirting with her all day! They are in year-round school now, something new to all of us, and started about 3 weeks late (because of the track they were assigned to) so they were very nervous going in. I'm so glad things worked out and they came home happy! They are both charming, adorable girls...I knew they'd have no trouble making friends.

I know we still have lots of changes ahead of us. It's like we just became a family of 5 overnight. We're helping to raise two kids and we don't even know if we're pregnant yet! I know it's not going to last forever (probably just for a few months) but I am sure when Melissa and the kids move into a place of their own that too is going to be a big adjustment for all of us too! I feel like we're getting a crash course in parenting! Ryan (as well as the girls' other 3 uncles, Flint, Jake and Jorden) will be father figures to these girls (and Lexi who is living with her mom's family) for the rest of their lives; that's a big role to take on.

Our lives are changed and will continue to change. It feels like the start of an adventure, with good times and bad times ahead, and in the beginning probably lots of hard times. I know we can all do it. As big of a change as it is for me and Ryan, it is a much bigger change for Melissa and the kids. We're going to need to be there for each other and work together more than ever. For now we are all just living our new changed life together, getting used to it as it becomes our new normal. 

Saturday afternoon we find out if we have another change coming: a baby (or two)! We're crossing our fingers and toes...our family could use some happy news!

Saying Goodbye During The Two Week Wait

So far this has been the quickest 2 Week Wait ever. All week, my life has been consumed with kids and funeral planning. It has been a whole different kind of stress than usual in that I've hardly thought about my upcoming pregnancy test. The kids have asked several times how many more days until we find out; usually I know exactly how many days I have left to wait, but this time I keep having to check the calendar.

Mackenzie and Brinlee have settled in pretty well, but we still need to get them on a routine with bed times and chores; this week they deserved a break though. They have their room decorated and seem almost completely comfortable. I feel bad that Melissa isn't settled in yet-she's been living out of a bag and sleeping on the couch. She doesn't seem in any hurry, but I understand; I think she just feels lost and I know even with all of us around she must feel so very alone. I still can't believe he is gone. It makes me so sad to think that my sister is a widow at 29-years-old and that my nieces are going to grow up without their daddy.

The girls have had several play dates  this last week with friends and family and even got to go to Chuck E. Cheese's with one of Brandon's good friends, their "Uncle Derek". They've made some new friends, spent some time with my sister-in-law and nephews and visited their Grandma Grace. I have appreciated the help so much! Melissa and I have had a lot to do to get the funeral planned. I have never planned a funeral before this and I never realized how much there is to do. The funeral home was so great to work with though and made sure we did everything we needed to and that everything was just right.

We've had family come by (ours and Brandon's) and friends or family bring us dinner every night this week. It has been so nice to not have to worry about dinner with all the work and errands we've had to do to make sure the funeral was just how Brandon would want it.

The funeral was beautiful. And so very sad. The flowers were so perfect, with a Bears (his favorite team) football to finish the look and we had so many pictures and photo albums out for everyone to see what a good life Brandon had and how loved he was.

(A table with childhood photos is not pictured-it was cleaned up before the pictures were taken)

I'm still in awe of Ryan's talk. He made us all laugh and cry as we remembered Brandon through his stories of their experiences together. He and Ryan were such good friends and I think writing about Brandon might have helped Ryan get through this week. The funeral service was filled with music: there was a wonderful guitar solo and vocal performance of Metallica's Nothing Else Matters by two of Brandon's childhood friends, a vocal solo by the sister in the duo and song recordings in place of the opening and closing prayers (Live Like You Were Dying and the song Brandon had always said he wanted played: It's a Great Day to be Alive).

The turnout was amazing! So many friends, new and old, and so much family showed up to celebrate Brandon's life and support Melissa and the kids. I didn't even get to say hi to some, but I am so grateful to everyone who made it to support my sister as well as Ryan and myself.

The hardest part for me was when they closed the casket and my sister dropped to her knees. It hurts so much to see my sister in so much pain. She doesn't deserve to suffer such a life-changing tragedy. I've never seen her so sad. I cannot imagine what she must be feeling through all of this and I don't know how to help. My mom went to Melissa and my dad hugged me as I sobbed with Kenzie and Brinlee holding my hands. Even Kenzie and Brinlee started crying. Melissa came over and held them. Then I saw Lexi, who has now lost both parents, sobbing and standing there alone-it just broke my heart. I tried to comfort her but I know ultimately all I can do is make sure she knows that we're all here for her and still her family. 

Melissa cuddled all 3 kids through the service with my dad and me on one side of them, Kim on the other and my mom and Flint (Kim's husband) behind us. I'm so glad we were all able to have each other there and keep each other so close through the service. I hope we can all be there together this coming week for Melissa when she picks up his ashes after he's cremated and then for the scattering of his ashes when Melissa is ready to do that.

After the funeral, we all went to a church and had a lunch that was planned last minute, but prepared so well. My great-uncle and aunt from Alabama are on an LDS mission in Salt Lake right now so they came to the service and lunch. My uncle gave Ryan and I blessings when they brought dinner Tuesday night and also said a family prayer over the 3 kids (who were too shy to get blessings themselves). He told me yesterday that he'd had a good feeling all week and said he hoped I was taking care of my babies.

We went to Brandon's brothers' house (the house Brandon actually grew up in) after we left the church. Brandon's mom pulled me aside and said she's sure that Brandon is making sure we get our baby, whether it be one or two, boy or girl, she's sure it's going to happen. I am so glad that my possible pregnancy is giving some people hope during such a sad time. (It makes me feel extra pressure though-I hope everyone is not too disappointed if it doesn't work out.)

Brandon did love children and babies so much. He's the only man I've ever met who was eager to hold newborns or feed babies bottles-he's even been known to change diapers. I think it brings back memories of when his own girls were that small. It makes me sad to think that my own children will never get to experience Brandon as their uncle. We will make sure they know who he was through pictures and stories though.

<Thank you to Ryan's mom for taking pictures! I only took one, but she made sure we had some more to remember the beautiful service.>

A Great Loss and Hope of New Life

Today was embryo transfer day. It's been an entirely different experience this time around and we even considered delaying our cycle because of a family tragedy. Ultimately we decided that we had come so far and done so much to prepare that it would be better to go through with it as planned.

Melissa and Brandon 2014

On Thursday my sister, Melissa, her husband, Brandon and their 2 daughters came to stay with us. They had to move out of their house and had nowhere to go and no money, so they were going to stay through the weekend until he got his paycheck and they could find an apartment or some place to live. 

On Friday Brandon had lunch with his family and left for work at 1:00 pm. Melissa didn't hear from him and couldn't get ahold of him all afternoon (which is very unusual...they usually talk to and text each other throughout the day). Around 7:30 she and Ryan went to the dealership where Brandon worked to find him. His truck was in the parking lot but nobody had seen him all afternoon and he didn't come when they paged him over the intercom. They came back home to wait for him. 

October 4, 2008

He got off work at 9:00, but at 9:45 he still wasn't home. Melissa and Ryan went back to the dealership. They were closed and his truck was still in the same place. The gates are closed and locked at 10, so at this point his truck was locked in for the night. 

They came home again and she called the police. I put the kids to bed and told them their dad was staying the night at grandma's house to help her with something. We waited up all night hoping to hear from Brandon. At 3:00 am Saturday, two police officers came to the door. We stood on the porch with them as they delivered the news that they had found Brandon but he had passed away. Some time after midnight a janitor found him in the bathroom of the dealership. According to surveillance videos he had been in there all afternoon and nobody had noticed.

2006 (you can't tell, but Melissa is pregnant with Brinlee)

Melissa was devastated. I've never seen my sister so lost and empty. At 5:00 am another officer came by to give Melissa Brandon's wallet, keys and cell phone-he had 42 missed calls and 30 text messages. We didn't sleep at all that night. We called and woke up our parents and other sister to deliver the news. Ryan booked my dad a flight in from Las Vegas.

Just after 6:00 am we convinced Melissa to come lay in bed with us. She fell asleep fast and I wanted to hold her so bad, but I didn't want to wake her up. At 8:00 I woke Ryan up to go get my dad from the airport and I sat upstairs waiting for the girls to wake up.

Brandon and Melissa with daughters Alexia, Brinlee and Mackenzie

It took all my energy to act normal for them! They woke up around 9:00 excited to start the day. They kept asking about our plans for the day and when their dad would be here so they could show him the baby snake they caught with Uncle Ryan in the yard the day before. 

We watered the garden and I told them the whole family was coming over for breakfast. My mom, aunt, and youngest sister and her family all arrived and we made pancakes, bacon and smoothies (although the kids were the only ones who ate much). Before long my dad and Ryan got home and then we got a surprise visit by my other aunt and her 2 daughters (ages 8 and 11) who had driven down from Idaho Falls. The girls were thrilled!

2008

Melissa woke up around 10:00 and an hour later my sisters and I pulled Kenzie and Brinlee into the bedroom to tell them their dad was never coming home again. I'll never forget the looks on their faces as Melissa delivered the hardest news of her life. Brinlee looked so small with her arms and legs wrapped around her mom and Kenzie's shoulders shook as she sobbed sitting between me and Kim. We assured them that the whole family was going to make sure they were okay. Kenzie worries about everything and I especially wanted her to know that she and her mom and sister had a home with me and Ryan for as long as they wanted. When we walked out the whole family was waiting in the kitchen with hugs and tears.

May 2014

Later that afternoon the kids wanted to go buy posters for their rooms. Kenzie also had a shoe box she wanted to decorate to keep things that reminded her of her dad in. I packed up the four girls (Kenzie, Brinlee and the cousins) in the car and we went to Walmart. They each picked out 2 posters and we bought all kinds of craft supplies to decorate their memory boxes. Then they picked out journals and stickers so they could write down their feelings and memories of their dad. They even picked out a small gift, some flowers and a journal for their mom. We came home and I helped them decorate their boxes and journals.

For the last few days they've both come to me separately several times saying they wanted to write in their journals and asking if I would make sure nobody came into their room. The kids seem to be coping the best, but they still have their moments of sadness and tears. Melissa is surviving, but I'm worried about her. I know the only thing that will help her feel somewhat normal again is time; I wish I could speed it up. Ryan has been so good just being with her and getting her out of the house when he can. Having cousins for the girls to play with was the best thing for them; they have had fun and stayed busy while their mom has had time to process and grieve.

Kenzie and Brinlee with 2nd cousins Jocelynn, Kaeley and 1st cousin Bailey

Our embryo transfer appointment was at 10:15 this morning. Before that I had scheduled another acupuncture treatment, so we stopped by the acupuncturist's office on our way to the clinic. This treatment was similar to the one Thursday, but with a few more needles. Again it hurt a little in some spots, but left me so relaxed! After she removed the needles she used this special tool to send little electrical surges through some of the meridians on my legs and stomach. That felt strange and hurt a little; it felt like a little pointy thing vibrating against my skin, but then I also felt a little zing deeper down.

Pin cushion

After acupuncture we headed to the clinic. They were packed! We waited for almost 30 minutes before they took us back to the room. This time it was Dr. Erica Johnstone who did the procedure. She came in, went over the paperwork and gave us a picture of our embryos. Both of the embryos survived thawing; both were what she called fair quality. One was not quite to the full blastocyst stage, but it could still continue to develop just fine. She said she thought our chance of twins was about 20%.

Our embryos!

We signed papers and she gave me 2 Valium, then left us to let it start working. That part was different. By the time she came in to do the embryo transfer I was already feeling the effects of the Valium, so the actual transfer is a little blurry in my head. Dr. Johnstone was wonderful though-very personable and gentle. After they were done they left me to relax for 30 minutes. Usually I spend this time reading; today I was asleep in minutes, practically drooling all over myself. Before I knew it they were telling me to get dressed and wheeling me out to the car.

Waiting to get started

My aunt and her daughters left to drive back to Idaho this morning and my mom took the day off to be with the kids and help me out after our embryo transfer. With all the people at our house over the weekend I did not really have time to prepare for my embryo transfer (I didn't do things like grocery shopping and cleaning). She and the girls spent the morning cleaning then my mom took them shopping for school clothes. Ryan and I were so excited to come home to a clean house after the busy weekend. I went straight to bed and when the kids got home they came downstairs and showed me what they got with grandma and gave me cards and gifts. They are the sweetest little girls!

Letter, candy and necklace from Kenzie and card and flower from Brinlee!

Melissa and the two girls will be living with us for a while now. Melissa lost her best friend and soul mate, three girls lost their father (Lexi is living with her grandpa and aunt) and Ryan lost one of his closest friends this weekend. Brandon will be greatly missed by all of us. I will never forget him playing in the yard with the kids or teasing our niece (he would poke her head with his finger and she would yell, "no B!" but she always came back for more). He was such a good father and friend. I cannot imagine football season without Brandon and Ryan playing pool while Brandon cheers for the Bears. We have a long tough road ahead-especially the children who are not going to get the experience of growing up with a father, a girl's first love. It still doesn't seem real. It's hard to picture a future without him in it.

2011

The Berrett family has a lot of healing ahead of them. If anyone can afford to donate, every dollar helps. Brandon did not have life insurance so we are doing everything we can to help them pay for the funeral and get back on their feet. Click here to make a donation online or go into any Mountain America Credit Union and donate to the Brandon Berrett Memorial Fund. For funeral information, read the obituary here.

An Ultrasound, Acupuncture and Choosing Embryos

This has been a busy week! I helped my sister move, had my screening ultrasound, mediated in Sandy and Utah County courts, had 3 cavities filled at the dentist, saw Wicked (the musical), went for my first acupuncture treatment and am babysitting two of my nieces as I write this!

Screening Ultrasound

Our embryo transfer day is coming up fast, so on Tuesday I went in for my screening ultrasound. In the screening they just look to make sure my uterine lining (endometrium) has thickened enough to make a nice home for a growing embryo. Mine measured 12 mm thick, which means the estrogen pills I have been taking are working. The doctors want the lining to be 7 mm or more, so I am in good shape.

Endometrial thickness has become my topic of research this week! I asked the nurse and found out that mine was 14 mm thick at this time in my last cycle. From what I have found, most doctors consider optimal thickness between 7 or 8 mm and anywhere from 14 to 16 mm (most reliable websites said 14 mm). I figure 12 mm is pretty good since it will likely continue to thicken some over the next few days. Too thin is not good for implantation-in fact if it is less than 5 mm it is very unlikely a pregnancy would occur. Thicker is usually better, but some studies have found a decrease in pregnancy rates when the lining is thicker than 14 mm (which mine probably was at the time of my last transfer, since it was at 14 mm a week before it).

After the ultrasound I met with the nurse and she put me on the schedule for our embryo transfer: Monday August 11. We won't have an exact time until Sunday, but I suspect it will be in the morning since our other two have both been before noon. She also reviewed the medication changes with me: same protocol as last time...decrease estrogen from 3 pills a day to one and start progesterone injections (which we did last night and the shot was just as bad as I remember it).

Choosing Two Embryos

At my appointment on Tuesday, Dr. Moore mentioned our embryos and I told him we for sure wanted to use the best one, but hadn't decided which other one to use yet. I assured him we would email him with our decision in the next two days.

Yesterday Dr. Moore called Ryan with some interesting news that would impact our decision: the embryologist had not frozen all of our remaining embryos each in their own straws; the 5B2- was frozen in its own straw, but the two 6B2- embryos were frozen together and the two 6B3 embryos were frozen together. (To read about the quality of the embryos and the chances of twins click here.) In other words, if we want to transfer two embryos we can't use our best one as one of those. We decided to do the two second best of our remaining embryos (the 6B2- embryos). We emailed the doctor last night just before walking into the theater to see Wicked, so our decision is final.

Acupuncture

I have been reading a lot about acupuncture and infertility lately and found that many women use acupuncture to help improve their chances of achieving a pregnancy with IVF. I have read about women who go in for regular treatments once a week for months before a transfer and even some who go in for daily treatments the week before or treatments right before and immediately after an embryo transfer. In several studies acupuncture has been shown to improve the chances of IVF resulting in a pregnancy. Even though it is not a surefire remedy, it can't hurt. I decided that since we have failed twice, I might as well try something new this time around.

Acupuncture is a useful treatment for IVF because one of the main benefits increased blood flow throughout the the body-including to the uterus. Good blood flow to the uterus is important for implantation of an embryo. Acupuncture can also help to balance hormones and align meridians. In Chinese medicine, meridians are the defined pathways that allow the flow of energy (chi) to reach specific organs. It is believed that illness occurs when there is a blockage in one of the meridians. Acupuncture is also great way to relieve stress and help keep the body balanced and healthy.
 
Today I had my first acupuncture treatment at the Center for Reproductive Wellness in Millcreek. Lisa, the acupuncturist,  has 14 years experience in acupuncture and even did an extended internship in Beijing in 2001. She specializes in fertility treatment, but practiced general acupuncture for several years and worked in the medical field for years before that. I like her approach to treatment because she practices eastern medicine, but supplements her treatments with western medicine ideas.

When I first arrived we discussed my medical history with an emphasis on my past infertility problems, treatments and procedures. I really liked Lisa and felt very at ease with her. We discussed some of the different options for using acupuncture to improve the chances of IVF; for example she offers a service where she actually comes to the office where a patient is having their embryo transfer done and does a treatment right before and immediately after the procedure (that costs more than we can spend right now). She was not pushy at all and just told me about some of the different things she has had patients try.

About an hour in, we finally got to the treatment part. She dimmed the lights and had me lay down on the table (like a massage table) with a pillow under my head and one under my knees, and rolled up towels under my hands at my sides to elevate them slightly. Next she used cotton balls with rubbing alcohol to cleanse the areas where she was going to place the needles. 

I have always heard that you can't even feel the needles go in, but I found that is not true. I did not feel all of them, but I did feel most of them. The needles are very thin and about two or three inches long with light blue ends. She started by putting some needles (2 or 3?) in my forehead, then in my scalp, then one in each ear and hand. By the time she was done I had several needles in my stomach, down my legs, in the sides of my heels, one in each foot between my big toe and the toe next to it and one behind each ear (sorry I did not get a picture). I never felt more than a little pinch-almost like the feeling of plucking out a single hair from your head.

The next part felt a little strange: she flicked each needle to sort of activate them and I felt a sensation like a little jolt of electricity (she called it a zing). She put an infrared heat lamp over my feet and legs and turned the lights all the way off. Then she left me to just lay still, listen to the calming music and relax for 30 minutes. A couple of the needles caused a dull achy pain (one hand and one foot), but she said that some pain or tingling was normal and after a few minutes it went away.

She came in and "zinged" the needles one more time and moved the heat lamp up over my stomach about 10 minutes in. Before long my hands started to feel heavy and the feeling slowly moved up my arms. By the time she came back to take the needles out I felt like I had a heavy quilt over my body. I felt like I was sinking into the table...and I was SO relaxed and even a little tingly. I left the office feeling great (and ready to take a nap)! I lay still on a warm massage table with my eyes closed and soft music playing in the background for an hour once every three weeks while I get my eyelashes filled and that leaves me pretty relaxed, but this was a totally different feeling than that. It's hard to describe. I just felt so at peace and calm.

I definitely liked the acupuncture treatment and will do it again. I plan to go in on Monday before our embryo transfer if Lisa has an opening (she gave me her cell phone number so I can call her on Sunday night after I get assigned a time) and then probably one more time about three days after. If it increases my chances I am in. Plus I felt good enough after that even if it didn't work I would still want to get an occasional treatment for the stress relief benefits.

Camping With Kids

I spent last week preparing for our camping trip (so much harder to pack for than a normal hotel vacation with amenities and restaurants)...our last trip before our frozen embryo transfer next week! Friday morning Ryan and I left to go camping with my youngest sister, Kim, her husband, Flint and their two kids (Bailey, 2 years and Dylan, 2 months). We went two and a half days with absolutely no cell phone service or Internet (so no blogging or Facebook)...tough, but refreshing.

We stayed on Flint's family's property in Joe's Valley (in the Manti La Sal National Forest). The large property owned by his grandfather and his 11 cousins and has been in their family for about a century. Flint's family has a small cabin (bigger than some on the property though) with a living room, kitchen and loft. The loft has 5 queen beds and a bunk bed, so we did not exactly rough it. The cabin is nice, but does not have water or electricity (and we wanted to keep it as clean as possible), so we spent most of our time down a hill behind the cabin at a little camp area we set up by the fire pit.

We had a list of activities and only a day and a half to do them all: four-wheeling (we rented 2 Arctic Cats), swimming at the reservoir and shooting guns (it was Ryan's first time). My other sister and her husband were not able to come so Ryan and I brought their two daughters (Brinlee, 7 and Kenzie, 9) along with us. 

Seabee Kim taught the kids to shoot a .22...Ryan got to shoot an AR-15 (I did not get a pic)

This was the first time we have taken a vacation of any kind with kids that we were in charge of so it was a bit of a learning experience. I learned some things about children and myself on the trip.

1- Make sure to have entertainment in the car. 

Snacks we always have covered because we never take road trips without candy, beef jerky and Pringles, but entertainment I did not plan for. It was only a two hour drive...I went on plenty of 4-hour trips to Idaho as a kid and was entertained listening to the music and watching out the window (and asking "Are we there yet?"). Kids today are not so easily entertained. Luckily I brought my iPad (like I always do)...although next time I will plan ahead and make sure I have some kid movies loaded on it (Bridesmaids and The Hangover are not exactly family friendly flicks). Kenzie watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes (she had that or The Avengers to choose from) while Brinlee played games on her Nintendo DS (good thing their mom thought to pack it!) We also had fun listening to my Disney playlist and guessing which movie the songs were from (Brinlee is a champ!)

2- Meltdowns are inevitable. 

The first one happened less than an hour into the drive when Brinlee realized she forgot her shoes. She panicked thinking that now she would not be able to ride on the four-wheelers at all and started bawling. We told her she still could and she insisted that her mom said she had to have her shoes or she couldn't. We calmed her down within 10 minutes and I feared anything else unexpected that might happen over the weekend. 

Another mini-meltdown occurred when Brinlee woke me up in the night. She said she couldn't sleep and I asked if she needed me to walk her to the bathroom or if she wanted a drink of water and she said no. I told her to just get back in bed and close her eyes and eventually she would fall asleep. I was not going to let her in bed with me because I was already hot and her bottom bunk was only maybe 3 feet from where I was sleeping. She just stood there and whined that she couldn't sleep and that she had been awake ALL night (which wasn't true...she was the first one to fall asleep when we all went to bed). I finally asked her what she wanted me to do about it. She was quiet for a minute then jumped back into bed and started crying. In less than 5 minutes she was asleep. (Maybe I did something right?) I honestly was not sure what to do in this situation.

Even Kenzie threw a little fit, pouting and on the verge of tears because I made her do up her chin strap on her helmet before we would go out on the four-wheelers the first time. She pouted and yelled that it felt like it was choking her and loosened it to the point I could pull it around her chin. I told her it had to be tight enough that you couldn't pull the helmet off with it buckled and she freaked out a little and whined that she didn't want to wear it. Finally I got her to leave it tightened (I could still fit two fingers under it easily) and we left. Before we were out of sight of the cabin, she was fine.

The last meltdown that stands out in my mind happened on Saturday before we left to drive down to the reservoir to swim: All of us girls were in the loft changing. Kim got Bailey changed into her swimming suit and ready to go and then went to put her sandals on and the kid started screaming. She did not want to wear anything on her feet. Within minutes she was in a full tantrum mode: jumping on the bed, screaming and flinging her arms around. My sister walked out of the cabin, leaving her to scream it out and calm herself down. It was over in a matter of minutes, but the battle of wills did not end for about 15 minutes. Once she realized how uncomfortable it was to walk barefoot on dirt and pine needles in our camp area (yes, I gave in and carried her down), she let her cousin Kenzie help her with her sandals. (This one is particularly funny because she threw a fit the night before when Kim tried to take her shoes OFF!)

3- Kids are MESSY. 

Every time Kenzie and Brinlee changed their clothes or dug anything out of their bags, I spent 10 minutes re-organizing and telling them to put things in specific places. I can't count the number of times I had to separate their dirty clothes from their clean ones and pick up random items off the floor. Every night after s'mores we had 3 little girls with dirty faces and sticky hands. Kim and I even found marshmallow in our own hair and I found a sticky spot on the back of my sweatshirt while packing to leave. S'mores are fun, but the stickiest, messiest treat ever! 

The biggest mess of the trip was Dylan's though: less than 10 minutes after Kim and Flint left on a four-wheeler ride (with Bailey and Brinlee riding passengers) Kenzie, who was holding Dylan, told me Dylan had pooped. All morning the baby had been gassy and he had already fooled us once with stinky farts. I told her he had probably just farted again, afterall Kim had just changed him before she left. Then Kenzie moved him aside and said, "No, he pooped on me!" I looked and saw that one whole side of her shorts was covered in yellow, sticky poop. Dylan had poop up his back and coming out the side of his diaper. I had to change his diaper and his onesie and Kenzie had to change her shorts. This all happened 5 minutes after he sneezed and I pulled the biggest booger I have ever seen out of his nose. Babies are cute, but kinda gross sometimes!

Kenzie and Dylan minutes before the blow-out!

4- Kids scare the crap out of me! 

I am paranoid about safety! Just watching the girls run made me nervous with all of the sticks and rocks to trip on, fall on or poke out an eye. (Not to mention the marshmallow skewers and their pointy ends...try getting a toddler to hold still with one of those in her hand).

My biggest fear around kids is always water. I learned how dangerous it can be 13 years ago when some good friends lost their 2-year-old little girl in a drowning accident at Lake Powell. My sister and I had already planned for swimming and she bought a life jacket for Bailey on our pre-camping grocery shopping trip. I helped her put it on the moment we arrived at the beach. Like most toddlers she is fearless around water. Kenzie and Brinlee are both good swimmers and know to stay in the shallow waters, so I wasn't as concerned about them (although we still made sure they had the full supervision of at least one adult at all times).

Kim walked Bailey down into the water to let her feel it on her feet then they walked back up onto the beach where I was helping Flint get the inner tubes inflated. Bailey walked down to the edge of the water with the other two girls and one of them threw a beach ball out into the water. Kim turned to look at me and Bailey ran after the ball. Kim looked back at Bailey to see she had tripped and was facedown, kicking and splashing her arms in less than two feet of water. Kim ran and I froze, imagining my friends' late daughter and seeing the fear she probably experienced in the face of my niece as my sister pulled her to her feet where she coughed and started crying.

For a few minutes after that she sat between Kim and I on the beach, shivering in a towel, until she got over the shock and was back to her normal happy self. It scared her more than anything and she refused to go close to the water without her mommy after that (which is a good thing). Kim and I floated out with the three little girls on two tubes tied together with a rope while Ryan or Flint pulled us back and forth across the beach in the shallow water and all the kids ended up having fun (although Bailey was very concerned any time one of the big girls climbed off their tube into the water).

The only group photo we got!

As if the water wasn't bad enough, we had to bring fire into the mix as well. I have never been so scared around a campfire as I was Friday and Saturday nights watching all of the kids walk around. On Saturday night Bailey climbed off of my lap to walk over to her mom (who was tending to baby Dylan in his stroller one chair away from me) and instead of walking back between the chairs to where her mom was taking care of the baby, she decided to walk in front of everyone and around. She tripped and fell forward toward the firepit; I jumped and caught her before she fell over the hot rocks around the fire. (I felt relieved that I still have fast reflexes after I froze up when she tripped in the water.)

Bailey with her first marshmallow to roast (I couldn't catch her looking forward AND smiling!)

Even with the tantrums and whining and scares and shared bathroom trips and early bedtimes (Brinlee was scared to go in the outhouse by herself and she and Kenzie were both afraid to go to bed before I did) I still had a great time on the trip. Kids make camping a little more work (Kim was a champ with her tiny ones), but so much fun! 

I LOVE all of these cute little faces!

There were five little experiences that made me so excited to have kids of my own:

1. Kenzie literally bursting with excitement on the way there and before we went to do any activity (she would squeal and jump and grab onto me-her excitement is contagious!) She was so much fun.
2. Brinlee walking up to me while we were loading the cars to leave and just putting her arms around me and leaning against me hugging me while I talked to Kim. Brinlee can be so sweet.
3. Snipe Hunting. The kids were so excited to go they would hardly let me finish my dinner. Even after Kim and I brought the third "snipe" back to the campfire so the girls could see it (for those who didn't get this camp experience as kids, it was a rock), Kenzie still wanted to go out and "hunt" for some more (Brinlee was too scared of the dark and had us walk her back to her uncles at the fire after the first two)! It was fun to share this "first" with them. 
4. Helping Bailey pet the horses and seeing how gentle she was (there are 3 horses that live on the family property). She even named the black one Peggy before we left. The other two girls named them Shadow, Maximus and Blackie the day before. It was actually fun watching all 3 girls get so excited about petting the horses (and chasing chipmunks).
5. Bailey falling asleep on my lap in front of the fire our first night there. (Side note: I love that Bailey lets me hold her and always wants me to carry her around-probably because she knows I can't say no. I also LOVE hearing her say "Aunt Char" when she sees me because she always smiles and seems so happy that I am there.)

Petting "Shadow"

Moms get to experience moments like these all the time; as an aunt they are not so common. When those precious moments do occur I appreciate them so much and it makes me look so forward to being a mom myself. (Hopefully I'll be one soon...my screening ultrasound is tomorrow, so our third try at IVF is getting close!) Seeing my nieces and nephews experience the joys of childhood and feeling so proud or loved only makes me wonder how much better it feels for their moms. Seeing Bailey look up at Kim and call her "Mommy" just melts my heart! I can't wait to be someone's Mommy.

Bailey and her Hero
(Bailey's shirt says "My Mommy, My Hero". Kim got that and her cute camo pants for her just before her enlistment in the Navy ended.)