Lives Forever Changed

This week I've realized that my life is never going to be the same. I have always been close to my sister's two daughters, but now that they've lost their father their lives are forever changed and they are going to need me and Ryan more than they ever did before. My sister lost her best friend and husband, so her life is also changed forever. I think she is going to need us more than she ever thought she would.

Right now that change is very evident because the three of them are living with us. Ryan and I left yesterday to go visit his grandma for a couple days and after just being gone for one day I find that I miss my sister and her kids. I worried about the kids at school yesterday on their first day and I worried about my sister being alone last night for the first time since losing her husband. I realized that even though they need me more, I am already used to this change in my life and I need them too. I'm already getting used to the chaos and excitement of having kids in our home.

Being away from home last night, my shot was not the big exciting production it has been this week. The girls get so excited to watch Ryan jab me with a needle every night before they go to bed and always beg me after to poke them with a needle so they can see what it feels like! I assure them that it doesn't feel good. They've seen me bleed (we had a real gusher last weekend) and they've seen my bruises. Even though it seems weird to hear kids begging to get a shot, it's also a little flattering that they want so badly to experience for themselves something I have to go through every night. (Don't worry...I'm not going to stab any kids with needles!)

Top two: my left side bruises at various stages of healing; Bottom: bruise on my right side from a few nights ago (it doesn't look that bad but there is a big, hard lump behind it!)

Melissa even got in on the excitement and Ryan helped HER give me my shot a couple of nights ago. The girls fought over a spot to stand for the best view. This was a big deal! Melissa has always been scared of needles and less than two weeks ago, as she and Brandon watched me get my shot she assured me if Ryan is ever unavailable Brandon would be happy to give me my shot, but she could never do it. She overcame her fear though and did perfect! I barely even felt the needle go in, it was done before I realized and I didn't bleed a drop. She kept her hands steady and it was all just smooth. I was so proud of her!

Without the kids around today, nobody will ask me how many more days til I find out if I'm pregnant (it's only 2 by the way). I feel like the girls have been bringing my focus back to the possible baby (or two) growing inside me. I don't know if it's just their hopefulness rubbing off on me, but I have a really good feeling about it this time!

I am also getting a little more nervous about twins. Between having my nieces (ages 7 and 9) live with us full time and babysitting my other niece (2) and nephew (2 months) a couple times these past few weeks, I understand why people only have one baby at a time-and I definitely don't want 4 kids! Keeping up with two kids, a toddler (who I can't lift right now because I'm supposed to be taking it easy...I know, funny right?) and a baby is exhausting! 

I did get an hour and a half of baby napping in with Dylan on Tuesday evening while Brinlee and Bailey played/"helped" their moms change Melissa's oil in her car in the backyard (yes my sisters are superstars). As tired as I was, I was not able to nap with him; every time I was about to doze off Kenzie would say something to me! She was so helpful though: grabbing Dylan's bottle or a blanket so I wouldn't have to move him off my chest. Maybe a nine year gap between kids would be good...

Dylan sleeping peacefully...while I wished I was sleeping too!

The girls are all so hyper when they get together with Bailey and the baby usually gets so fussy (probably because he constantly gets woken up by the squealing girls running wild). Cleaning up lunch after the kids is a big job and my living room looks like a tornado went through it by the time they're done playing! Fortunately they are all old enough to help clean up, when I can get them all to cooperate-Brinlee is really good at saying no as she dances to another room (we're working on that).

The meltdowns have been more frequent as emotions have been running high (I admit that I've had a couple myself). Brinlee gets so nasty sometimes that it's appalling! She gets angry and stubborn. Melissa had to literally drag her to the car the other day because she didn't want to go. She calls her sister (or me or Melissa) names when she's mad and is a pro at pushing buttons. I know she's worse than normal because she doesn't know how to process her loss and let out her emotions. 

Kenzie is the opposite: she just plain breaks down sobbing when she doesn't get her way or feels like Brinlee is being mean. Any time I tell her no she runs crying to her mom. Sometimes mom can help her work it out and sometimes Kenzie ends up crying on the floor between her bed and the wall; which is what she did Tuesday night for about an hour because she didn't want to go to school. She went to bed sad, woke up grumpy and even refused to smile for a picture on their first day of school. Tears are a frequent thing with Kenzie these days, but she suffered a terrible loss and deserves time to grieve. I think losing her dad is at the root of her tears, but they come out over everything because she's having trouble processing her loss.

It's hard to see the kids this way because I know there are some strong underlying emotions causing their behavior. It's like Melissa pointed out to me the other day: they lost their house, all their stuff (that was supposed to be in storage for a week but is now there indefinitely) and their dad within 3 days. That's A LOT for a kid to handle! That's a lot for any person to handle! Melissa is getting stronger every day as she adjusts to her new normal, but I don't know if she'll ever be the same. A tragedy like this changes a person forever and Melissa was the closest one to the tragedy. It's so sad how many big changes they are going through so soon after such a great loss. It's a huge adjustment for them all.

Melissa has been talking to the school psychologist and is working with her to find a grief counseling group for the kids (and herself eventually) which I think will be hugely beneficial. All 3 of us are there for them, but we don't know how to help them process their grief. Ryan and I don't even know how to help Melissa process her grief. But we can tell she's slowly starting to heal.

I keep thinking of the 90s sitcom "Full House" because I feel like we are in a similar situation-only with fewer men. We have a widow, an aunt and an uncle helping to raise two girls. We all 3 went to take the kids to their first day of school yesterday because Ryan and I didn't want to miss it (and of course their mom wasn't going to miss it)! We even worried about them and I know I thought about them all day! 

Yesterday morning was a new experience, getting up early with kids on their first day of school. Kenzie was a grump all morning because she was scared to start late and afraid she wouldn't make any friends. Brinlee was adorable in her purple dress and pigtails, bouncing around the house wearing her backpack, so excited to go to her new school. They both seemed so grown up and yet so young.

First day of 4th Grade for Kenzie and 2nd Grad for Brinlee

It all worked out in the end despite our worries: Brinlee (2nd grade) made 4 new friends in her class full of mostly girls and said her teacher is really nice. Mackenzie (4th grade) likes her teacher (her first male teacher, which might be good for her right now), made a new friend and had boys flirting with her all day! They are in year-round school now, something new to all of us, and started about 3 weeks late (because of the track they were assigned to) so they were very nervous going in. I'm so glad things worked out and they came home happy! They are both charming, adorable girls...I knew they'd have no trouble making friends.

I know we still have lots of changes ahead of us. It's like we just became a family of 5 overnight. We're helping to raise two kids and we don't even know if we're pregnant yet! I know it's not going to last forever (probably just for a few months) but I am sure when Melissa and the kids move into a place of their own that too is going to be a big adjustment for all of us too! I feel like we're getting a crash course in parenting! Ryan (as well as the girls' other 3 uncles, Flint, Jake and Jorden) will be father figures to these girls (and Lexi who is living with her mom's family) for the rest of their lives; that's a big role to take on.

Our lives are changed and will continue to change. It feels like the start of an adventure, with good times and bad times ahead, and in the beginning probably lots of hard times. I know we can all do it. As big of a change as it is for me and Ryan, it is a much bigger change for Melissa and the kids. We're going to need to be there for each other and work together more than ever. For now we are all just living our new changed life together, getting used to it as it becomes our new normal. 

Saturday afternoon we find out if we have another change coming: a baby (or two)! We're crossing our fingers and toes...our family could use some happy news!