On Vacation: Sick, Sore and Sleepy

I have had plenty of opportunities to write something this past week but have chosen to nap instead every time! I actually just woke up from an hour (maybe 2 hour) long nap to finish writing this. I have had a busy couple of weeks! Busy and good that is. Last weekend I packed up my nieces and drove to Idaho with my mom (and my aunt's two dogs) for our annual family trip and we went to the State Fair in Blackfoot with my grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Mom, Me, Kenzie and Brinlee during our weekend in Idaho visiting Grandma

We drove home (luckily my aunt who hitched a ride home with us offered to do the actual driving) from Idaho Monday evening and Tuesday morning Ryan and I boarded a plane for Houston, Texas. As you can imagine, back-to-back vacations required a lot of packing, before and in between, so last week was pretty stressful for me. We are in Houston because Ryan and I have tickets to the Texans NFL season opener on Sunday (they play the Redskins)-our own little annual tradition (although this is a tradition that will likely change when we're parents). We will be here until Monday. 

 

Just my luck, all of those pesky pregnancy symptoms are starting to kick in on our vacation. Luckily our vacation has mostly consisted of visiting with Ryan's high school friends, (we did do something touristy-we went to the Museum of Natural Science today) so it has been fairly low key. Tomorrow will be anything but low key: we have a full morning of tailgating then the game (look for us on the 3rd row behind the end zone!) I hope I can keep up!

A few pics from the first part of our Houston trip

I had a friend email me recently (I've been meaning to email you back); she said to not feel like I can't complain just because I finally got something I wanted so bad. I keep thinking about that because I feel bad every time I complain-I did want this more than anything, so should I really be complaining now that I got what I wanted? She also said that pregnancy is the most wonderful and miserable experience ever! I think about what she said every time I tell someone I don't feel so great; I am definitely experiencing some of the miserable part.

I'm still waiting for the wonderful part. Right now I'm tired all the time, bloated to the point my jeans are uncomfortable (I had to buy some ponytail holders to hook the button through the loop) and I feel more nauseous every day. I do best if I make sure not to get too hungry so I've started carrying pretzels and granola bars in my purse and ordering sprite everywhere we go (since nobody seems to have ginger ale). And my boobs are finally sore-more specifically my nipples-they are super tender...like they've been chewed on or smashed. Deep down I'm grateful for all of these symptoms: I keep reminding myself that I feel crappy because my body is focused on making sure the little human(s) growing inside me is thriving.

I have an extra miserable experience to add to the list that most women don't have to go through: because I did not ovulate and conception did not actually take place in my body, I have to continue progesterone and estrogen (pill) supplements until the placenta is fully developed and can regulate those hormones for me. The progesterone injections are getting worse every day-I am SO sore from them and still have almost a month more to go (until October 1st). It hurts when my purse bumps my love handles and is uncomfortable to lay on either side (I'm a side sleeper so I've had to make that work). This week has been particularly bad-no dark visible bruises, but I've gushed blood three out of the last four nights and I definitely feel bruised. Ryan's running out of places to poke me with the needles!

Just so you can see what I mean by "gushed" here are paper towels from the first 2 nights.

Besides sick, I also feel a little guilty. First, because I feel like I should be more excited on the outside. Don't get me wrong-I'm very excited; in fact I (Ryan's been doing this too) have even told every waitress and checker that I'm pregnant and it might be twins. I want to tell EVERYONE! When I tell people though, it sometimes seems like they express more outward excitement than I do. It's hard to enjoy being pregnant when I'm worried about what might go wrong. I will admit that part of my laid back attitude is just because I'm simply exhausted and don't have the energy to be excited. The only thing on my mind is my pregnancy right now. Especially since I feel like I might throw up at any second most of the time...it makes it hard not to think about it!

The second reason I feel guilty is because of all of my friends who are still trying to get pregnant: I feel like I left them all behind. It's strange because I have felt connected to women struggling to conceive even if we weren't in contact regularly or had never met in person, simply because we had this shared struggle. Now I feel like I've left these friends behind, but I don't want to. I guess I just feel like they won't accept me any more. I feel like I'm disconnected from my infertile friends, but I also don't feel like I fit in with friends who never went through what I did to become pregnant themselves. Because I struggled for so long and wasn't able to plan my pregnancy or time it how I wanted I feel like my lucky fertile friends don't understand exactly what I'm feeling right now. I never expected to still feel so affected by my infertility after getting pregnant.

I do have a handful of girls who keep easing my fears-some of these girls are friends who struggled for years like I did but finally became pregnant and gave birth to healthy babies (some are just close friends who know how I've struggled emotionally). One said she was sure her baby wouldn't have a heartbeat at the first ultrasound, even though everything turned out fine. I can totally relate to that because after going through so many disappointments it's hard to imagine everything progressing normally and working out. It's nice to know that pregnancy was a little scary and not all happy and perfect, because I feel like it is a little scary. I can't wait until I can feel movements-I'm even considering buying a baby doppler so I can listen to the little heartbeats every day!

I thought I would be terrified of having a miscarriage for the first trimester, but I'm halfway through it and I'm not as scared as I thought I would be. I can't imagine that something that terrible could happen to us after everything we've been through. Overall, the best part is that I am actually pregnant (still feels weird to say that) and no matter what at least now I know that I can get pregnant. If we have to go through all of this again to get pregnant again in a few years then I feel like knowing I've done it once will make it easier the second time around. I really feel confident that it is going to work out for us this time. I can't wait to find out if it's twins next Wednesday!!