Pressure and Pain

While struggling to get pregnant, I felt like there was so much pressure to become a parent. I did not realize how much pressure was on parents though-especially mothers! I feel like there is a lot of pressure on women lately, especially on social media, to make certain choices as a parent: exclusively breast feed, stay at home with your baby, make your own baby food, wear your baby, cosleep, have a natural birth, let your baby cry it out, etc.  Women who don't do everything just right are often made to feel like they are inadequate as parents.

Being that the first of these I will experience is the birth part, having a natural child birth experience is one of the pressures that seems to stand out to me the most right now. So many moms talk about all the benefits and sometimes it makes me feel like if I have an epidural (or end up needing a c-section as many women do) I'll be taking the easy way out or not be as much of a woman as those who have given birth unmedicated.

I have yet to feel labor pain, but I have felt physical pain. I've felt pain just enough to know that if I have a choice, I don't want to feel pain. It started with painful periods in my teen years. I had cramps painful to the point that I sometimes missed school. At the time I didn't know the cause, I just thought I had really bad cramps like some women do.

Sometimes I had pain in between periods too. Years later I would have to rely on prescription pain medication for the first 2-3 days of my periods to go about my normal routine and I sometimes even missed work for the pain in between my periods. I went to the doctor twice when the pain was so bad I thought one of my ovaries was about to explode. Ultrasounds always revealed cysts which my doctor began to monitor regularly until I had some that weren't going away on their own.

Surgery to remove the cysts would reveal severe endometriosis that had one ovary twisted and stuck to the side of my uterus. Using a laser they burned off the misplaced endometrial tissue. Recovery from that I imagine is similar to recovering from a c-section, but not as bad (smaller incision and less trauma to internal organs since nothing has to shrink back down to its normal size). I still could not sit up on my own for a couple of days or lift anything for a few weeks, but it only took a week to move normally without pain. After the surgery, with the help of the right birth control, the pain became bearable again.

Two years later, Ryan and I got married and decided to try to get pregnant. That is when painful tests came. First came the hysterosalpingogram, a type of ultrasound where they inject dye into my uterus and watch on a screen as it travels through my fallopian tubes to check for blockages. Luckily my tubes were all clear, but this still stands out in my mind as one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. It took my breath away and I squeezed the poor nurse's hand so tight I probably bruised the poor woman. It was the worst cramping type feeling I have ever had.

The next painful test over a year later was a sonohysterogram (which I had to have a second time just a few months after the first...read about the first one here and second one here). This is another ultrasound guided test involving fluid being injected into my uterus to check for abnormalities. Both sonohysterograms revealed polyps which had to be removed. Both surgeries were done under anesthesia so I didn't feel a thing (I also don't remember the procedures, thankfully) and the recoveries were pretty easy. But the sonohysterograms hurt! Again they feel like an intense cramping sensation every time the doctor pushed more saline into my uterus.

Lastly came the endometrial biopsy-also called womb scratching-which is just as bad as it sounds (read about that here). The doctor used a catheter to scrape the inside of my uterus with the intention of improving the chance of embryo implantation. I've had this done twice as well (luckily the second time it worked and I got pregnant). I hope I never have to have one of these again, but I know I might. The only thing that makes this procedure bearable is knowing that there is an end in sight. The doctor would make about 8 passes scratching the inside of my uterus so I always knew how much pain was left.

You never know how long labor is going to take: it could take an hour or 10. You can't see the finish line and don't know how long the race is. My point is that when you go into the pain you don't know how much longer you have to endure it before you're holding your baby. If women knew going in how long labor was going to take, more might choose a natural birth. I still don't know if I would consider it though. If I can do something to avoid experiencing pain-especially cramping uterine pain-I will. I haven't always had that option, but when it comes to labor, I am so glad that I can choose to not feel the pain of childbirth (I am sure the recovery will be painful enough for me!)

I don't think there is anything wrong with going all natural; I think it's a personal choice. (And I will admit that recovering in your own bed immediately after delivery makes a home birth sound somewhat nice). People say going through labor unmedicated is better for the baby, better for mom, makes recovery easier, reduces the risk of complications and speeds up the labor process. Nobody ever praises giving birth with an epidural. Is it just because it's so common? I have been witness to both a medicated and an unmedicated labor and both were hard work for the mom. Both moms also had healthy babies and recovered just fine. 

Moms talk about how empowered having a natural birth makes them feel and sometimes I think all this talk makes women who don't choose this route feel inadequate. I will agree that women have given birth without medication for centuries, but women and babies also used to die during childbirth much more frequently than they do today. Patients used to go through surgery without being numb also. We've made medical advances for the health, safety and comfort of patients in all types of medical procedures.

Modern medicine is a wonderful thing and I plan to take full advantage of it. Plenty of women still have short labor, healthy babies, no complications and normal recoveries even with an epidural. I think I am lucky to live when I do-modern medicine helped me get pregnant and I am going to let it help me deliver this baby too. I plan on taking full advantage of the conveniences available to me and this includes the convenience of choosing to not feel all that pain. I don't think any one birth plan is better than another-they all have their advantages and disadvantages.  

What is most important is what you feel is right for you and your baby. For some moms that means working full time because that is what makes them happy and a happy mom is a good mom. For some moms that means formula feeding because they can't breastfeed or because the baby needs the nutrition from formula. Maybe cosleeping isn't a feasible option for some couples so the baby is safer in their own bed. Instead of judging we should trust that each mom knows what is best for her baby in her situation. Being a parent is an important job--the job of people making, which is pressure enough on its own. Raising children itself seems like an empowering experience to me, even if it is exhausting at times.

How a baby is brought into this world isn't the empowering part. Even women who don't feel the full pain of labor still have to work to deliver their babies and their bodies go through so much (especially if they need a c-section). If feeling pain is empowering then why don't people choose to go through minor surgeries without anesthesia? What I think is empowering is the fact that a woman can nurture a single cell as it multiplies, develops and grows into a human inside her body. The creation and growth of life is the real miracle. The rest is just personal choice.