Kicks and Fun...While I Worry

Since starting my blog I have connected with several friends and acquaintances who have also struggled with infertility (primary or secondary) for years. Now that I'm pregnant I love hearing about the pregnancies of others, but I get especially excited when I find out that a friend who struggled with infertility is pregnant. I'm not sure if it is because I understand how they must feel (excited and scared) or if it lifts some of the guilt I feel for "leaving them behind" or if it just makes me feel like I'm part of a club...maybe a little bit of all of those.

I still feel a little alone at times and I think it stems from all of my irrational fears. I don't see many other pregnant women who seem to be afraid of "what might happen" through their entire pregnancies like I am. For the longest time I was so afraid that our baby and this pregnancy was just going to disappear.

Now that I can feel the baby moving so much I feel more reassured that he's still alive and kicking (literally) in there. I have spent some nights awake for hours trying to get him to move-poking at my stomach, sitting in just the right position, chugging cold water, eating something sweet or just changing positions every few minutes hoping it wakes him up in there. 

I wake up and panic a little sometimes because I can't remember when I last felt him move. Some days when he doesn't move as much as normal I get stressed out--especially if I am too busy to just lay down and wait for him to get active so I can count kicks and be reassured. For the last two weeks I've been counting kicks daily. Per doctor's orders I sit still twice a day and count the baby's movements. He should move 10 times within an hour (usually it doesn't take him even close to an hour though), and if he doesn't I'm supposed to call my doctor. So far, so good.

I hear horrible stories of women losing their babies late in pregnancy. I have a perfectly healthy pregnancy (mostly) and baby so I shouldn't worry, but I still get this gripping fear of "what if that happens to our baby." Maybe that's why this pregnancy seems so long...is because I can't wait for him to be born (that and knowing from so early) so I can breath a sigh of relief knowing he is okay (of course I'm sure an infant will bring all kinds of new fears).  I try to push the fears out of my mind so I can enjoy this life changing experience. I have never experienced anything that causes so much change in me in such a short time.

Week 7 and Week 29 (5 months and 20 lbs. later!)

I've had people tell me not to worry, but that doesn't help at all...I'm still going to worry and there is nothing anyone can do to change that. There is always something to worry about; right now I am worried I will catch Ryan's cold--being sick seems so much worse pregnant! I hope once I've experienced pregnancy all the way through it will get easier; hopefully I can feel more calm and confident with my next pregnancy. 

For now I'm enjoying the kicks (even the painful ones) and feeling grateful for our healthy, growing baby. I will admit I have kindof a love/hate relationship with pregnancy though...for the most part it sucks. But I will take the exhaustion, swelling, irrational emotions, constant hunger, shortness of breath, loose joints (I can't believe I haven't sprained an ankle yet), weight gain, sore boobs, insomnia, aches and pains just to feel a baby moving and kicking inside me. And it's a little fun to watch my belly grow all big and round and to wear maternity clothes! Feeling him move or push his foot under my rib cage-even if it makes me jump-makes all the crappy pregnancy symptoms worth it!

All those women out there who LOVE being pregnant must have a vastly different experience than me. But I don't mean to complain...I am still so happy that I have the opportunity to experience pregnancy, even the uncomfortable parts! It truly is an experience like no other and I would do it again. Overall I am enjoying this time in my life.

A few nights ago our baby boy had the hiccups! If was a first for me (not sure if it was for him too or if I just haven't felt them until now). I was laying in bed feeling him move and realized his little "kicks" I was feeling deep down were more like little rhythmic twitches that made my tummy flinch. Then I realized that it wasn't just normal movement I was feeling, it was hiccups! They only lasted for a couple of minutes but it made me smile. I can't wait to hear some of my other formerly infertile friends' experiences with some of these milestones too.

Despite being uncomfortable and worrying a little too much, I am still savoring this time. I look forward to each pregnancy milestone and appreciate every "last" that Ryan and I get together as a twosome. This weekend was our last Valentine's Day (for many years) to go on a date and not need a babysitter. We went out on Thursday and celebrated early with a fancy dinner at Ruth's Chris Steak House downtown. We have also been enjoying the warm weather and taking the Corvette out for drives, something we won't be able to do any time we want with no backseat and a baby in tow. Soon it will be the Friday night date car!

We left Friday to take our last road trip together in the Corvette and drove to St. George for the weekend. This is also our last St. George trip without a baby! We drove with the top off for the first hour and a half then it started getting late and a little chilly. The road trip came with another first: my first puffy ankles (to match my already swollen hands and feet)! They were normal by morning though. We are staying with Ryan's parents for the long weekend and enjoying the gorgeous weather--it's in the mid-seventies! (Now if Ryan could just kick this nasty cold he has!)

Last road trip together in the Corvette!

On Valentine's Day we took a drive through the Virgin River Gorge at sunset. It was beautiful and peaceful. Corvette drives are always a little romantic too because it's guaranteed to be just the two of us. Ryan loves driving that car and I love seeing him happy. Soon we'll have a son and I have a feeling that will make him very happy too!

Some pictures of our sunset drive (or of the car and the gorge)!