Pregnancy has turned me antisocial. I hide out in my room and avoid contact with people whenever possible. Being social just feels exhausting right now. With all that alone time I should be writing. But I'm not. I've slowed way down on my blog recently. Here are the 3 reasons why I think things have changed:
1. I'm too tired to come up with anything to say. I never realized just how exhausting pregnancy would be.
2. I've been pretty busy with my house full of people and with packing. Yes you heard me-packing! I haven't shared the news publicly yet because it didn't seem real, but we are buying our dream house! We close in less than a week. Which means I will probably be writing even less for a while very soon.
3. I'm just not sure what to write about. When I started writing about infertility I never thought about how my blog might change or what I would write about once I got pregnant. Infertility became a part of my identity and with my pregnancy I feel like part of my identity changed.
My infertility is still not cured. I know it might be just as challenging to get pregnant a second time. I also know that there's a slim possibility that this might be my only pregnancy I ever experience it. On the other hand, if endometriosis truly is my only obstacle, this pregnancy could be healing enough that I get pregnant right away next time. The truth is there is no way to know for sure.
I feel like I should still be addressing each post from an infertility standpoint. I know we have lots of people out there cheering us on and celebrating our success with us, but I also know what it feels like to be envious of the success of others and cry when a friend gets pregnant. I don't want to be the person who hurts a woman's feelings by always talking about how happy I am to be pregnant. I hope my success can give others hope, but I know that what they take away from my story is up to them.
I keep reminding myself that my blog is called "The Road to Baby Madsen" and pregnancy is part of that road. Really this is my blog and I can transition it into any kind of blog that I want it to be. I'm not ready to be a "mommy blogger" though--in fact, I have never wanted to be a mommy blogger.
For now I still don't feel like an ordinary pregnant woman. I probably never will. I don't feel like my pregnancy is more or less important or special than anyone else's, it's just that after trying for so long to get here I still feel injured somehow. I feel so fragile and think about our baby constantly. I count down the days to doctor appointments when we get to see our baby or hear the heartbeat to make sure she's still there-that this pregnancy is still real. I'm sure there are moms and other pregnant women out there who can relate. Because of all of these feelings I am not ready to let go of the infertility part of my blog.
Even though I write about pregnancy most of the time these days I still remember how painful certain experiences used to be. For example I went to a baby shower for a friend a couple weeks ago and had fun. It was the first time I wasn't fighting back tears or feelings of envy while trying to celebrate a mom and baby. Even Ryan could see how comfortable I was there.
I have had 2 friends announce pregnancies on Facebook in the last month and both times I've thought about how that might have made me want to push away from them in the past. I'm so excited to be expecting with them that instead of pushing away I have daydreams about how being pregnant together and having babies within a few months of each other is going to bring us closer together (which it hasn't actually...yet). When I heard those announcements though my first thought was how that news would've killed me 6 months ago. I don't think most pregnant women associate baby announcements with pain, but anyone who has ever struggled to get (or stay) pregnant can probably understand.
I do still have some infertility topics that I did not get to write about before I got pregnant. I even have a couple of blog posts I started writing but never completely finished or posted. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if I write a lot about my pregnancy you can still expect to see some posts about crazy feelings and fears rooted in my infertility experiences. I don't think I'm going to relax until I'm holding this baby in my arms.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Thursday, October 2, 2014
No More Shots
On Tuesday night, Ryan gave me my last shot while my sister and nieces watched hoping to see me bleed (morbid, I know...but for some reason the kids get excited when my injection site gushes blood). I bled a little, but nothing compared to the spray of blood that shot out of me the night before (with no one watching). My nieces love watching me get my shot-mostly 7 year old Brinlee-and beg their mom to let them stay up to see it every night. I can't wait to watch them get their flu shots so they can get a glimpse of what I've been going through!
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| My last shot! |
Needless to say, I'm grateful that the shots are over. But a part of me is scared to stop the shots and pills. It's hard to trust that my body is going to produce these hormones on its own when it hasn't always been very reliable with matters of reproduction in the past. We had our first appointment with our new OB yesterday so I mentioned this to her. She assured me that my body and the baby would get the job done. She also said that they really don't know if women even need the progesterone supplemented that long, but they recommend it to be safe. In other words I probably would've been fine to quit the shots sooner, but it's better to err on the side of caution.
I feel super lucky because we also got to see our baby on an ultrasound AGAIN at our appointment yesterday! We've now seen our tiny human 3 times in the last month (not to brag or anything)! The little one's heartbeat is still holding strong, right around 145 bpm, which she said is perfectly normal and still healthy even though it's slightly lower than at our last ultrasound (of course I asked). In the picture below you can see the baby's tiny arms (which he/she was moving all around) and the umbilical cord.
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| Our Baby (whose face looks a little creepy in this pic)! |
While she delivered the baby, a nurse gave us a goodie bag full of samples, brochures, coupons, a few magazines and even a book about pregnancy. She went through some educational material with us and answered some questions. She gave us a number to call if we ever want to know if a medication is safe or if any food or ingredient is okay to eat. It's great to have a resource other than just my doctor (or the Internet) for little questions between appointments.
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| The contents of my goodie bag! |
By the time we were done in the lab our doctor was back from the delivery. We went back to our room and waited for her for just a few minutes. Lastly she did a Pap smear on me and answered some questions and we were done.
I really like our doctor. Her name is Dr. Alison DeSano. She is young, very energetic and seems like a fun, happy person. She went over what's normal and what's not (basically when you should worry). She took her time with us and made me feel at ease. Even with the delivery happening in the middle of our appointment I was still happy with our visit. I felt like we really got a good idea of how things work in the clinic/hospital. I also heard rave reviews about the cafeteria from several staff members as well as Ryan (I had my appendix out at that hospital so he's eaten there before).
I'm so excited for all of our upcoming milestones. I keep having "what if" thoughts, but push them out of my mind because I can't imagine we could have any more bad luck after all we've been through. Overall I have a pretty positive outlook...I feel good about this and really think everything is finally going to go our way. I still can't believe that a little living creature is growing and moving inside me!
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
A Lot of Hope and A Growing Baby
We got to have another ultrasound today. This one was so much more exciting than the first...our baby-who is actually starting to look like a baby-was moving all over the place wiggling his/her little arms and legs! Our baby is measuring nine weeks and one day (still a day ahead, that little overachiever). We saw the umbilical cord and got to hear the heartbeat again: a strong 165 bpm. And of course we took home another dozen pictures!
The vanishing twin is now just an empty sac measuring 7 weeks. The doctor said this isn't a concern and that my body will continue to just absorb it until it's gone. He doesn't think it ever even developed enough to really consider it viable.
It's a little sad that this was our last appointment with Dr. Moore, but his job is now done. We have worked with him for over a year and he helped us to get pregnant, but now we have to switch to an obstetrician for the remainder of my pregnancy and the delivery. Our first appointment with my OB is next Wednesday. That will be another first for us; I've heard the first appointment can be lengthy, going over medical history and everything, but other than that I'm not sure what to expect.
We are so lucky that we got these extra ultrasounds we've had over the last few weeks. Most pregnant women don't get to see their baby until at least week ten and only get two ultrasounds their entire pregnancy unless something is abnormal or they are high risk. I'm nine weeks today and just had my second ultrasound. I look at the extra ultrasounds as our consolation prize for having to take the long, hard way to get pregnant.
One thing I wish I could've done was surprise Ryan with the positive pregnancy test. I always imagined I would take a pregnancy test at home then surprise my husband with a lunch date and a small wrapped gift with a little baby surprise inside. When you're trying to get pregnant with infertility you're together through it all-and you need to be with all the disappointments and heartbreaks that litter that road.
We also didn't get to come out and announce our pregnancy in a fun, cute way. I think we still could've done that, but it would've been a hard secret to keep until we made the announcement and I'm happy with the way we did things. By sharing our journey every step of the way we received an unbelievable amount of support and I am forever grateful for that and wouldn't trade the experience of being on the receiving end of so much love.
Maybe next time things will happen "normally" for us and I'll get to surprise Ryan and we'll get to announce baby #2 in a fun, creative way. I can always hope for a smooth road next time. If there's anything I've learned, it's that you can't lose hope. I feel like hope was what kept us going through this whole journey. I think if I had ever lost hope, we would've given up and then we wouldn't be where we are today.
I've been wondering a lot about couples who choose to live without becoming parents; I wonder if they try until they're so exhausted that they can't hope any longer, or if they still hold onto a little bit of hope even though they're no longer actively trying or expecting to get pregnant. Or maybe it's not a matter of losing hope, but just of accepting reality. (On a side note, I don't like the term "child-free living" because I think most couples have children in their lives whether they're their own or someone else's.)
I'm glad we're finally getting our miracle baby. I know not all couples get their miracle. Really we are lucky we only had to do IVF 3 times...many couples go through treatments for years (and many get pregnant their first try). I'm also glad that we never had to make the decision as to when/if we should stop treatments.
I've always felt I was meant to be a mother. Adoption has always been an option I considered, but I've always wanted to experience pregnancy and feel a baby growing and moving inside me. I feel like I'm getting everything I want! Even though I often think about what it might be like when we try to get pregnant again, and I do want more than one child, I feel like even if we only have this one I would still be happy with that.
For now I am looking forward to the more enjoyable and exciting parts of pregnancy. I cannot wait to start seeing changes on the outside (bring on the baby bump)! I'm also excited for the exhaustion and nausea to subside (and hopeful that it will). I'm feeling a little better since I started taking Unisom (1/2 a tab each night) and vitamin B (during the day). I didn't realize just how much the Unisom was helping until I forgot to take it Saturday night-I felt horribly sick all day Sunday (thank goodness for ginger tea!) I'm really just hoping everything goes smooth and we don't run into any more roadblocks before we get to hold our very own baby. I'm so grateful for this baby!
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| Our growing little baby! |
It's a little sad that this was our last appointment with Dr. Moore, but his job is now done. We have worked with him for over a year and he helped us to get pregnant, but now we have to switch to an obstetrician for the remainder of my pregnancy and the delivery. Our first appointment with my OB is next Wednesday. That will be another first for us; I've heard the first appointment can be lengthy, going over medical history and everything, but other than that I'm not sure what to expect.
We are so lucky that we got these extra ultrasounds we've had over the last few weeks. Most pregnant women don't get to see their baby until at least week ten and only get two ultrasounds their entire pregnancy unless something is abnormal or they are high risk. I'm nine weeks today and just had my second ultrasound. I look at the extra ultrasounds as our consolation prize for having to take the long, hard way to get pregnant.
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| Our baby's heartbeat: 165 bpm |
We also didn't get to come out and announce our pregnancy in a fun, cute way. I think we still could've done that, but it would've been a hard secret to keep until we made the announcement and I'm happy with the way we did things. By sharing our journey every step of the way we received an unbelievable amount of support and I am forever grateful for that and wouldn't trade the experience of being on the receiving end of so much love.
Maybe next time things will happen "normally" for us and I'll get to surprise Ryan and we'll get to announce baby #2 in a fun, creative way. I can always hope for a smooth road next time. If there's anything I've learned, it's that you can't lose hope. I feel like hope was what kept us going through this whole journey. I think if I had ever lost hope, we would've given up and then we wouldn't be where we are today.
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| Baby's lifeline...the umbilical cord |
I'm glad we're finally getting our miracle baby. I know not all couples get their miracle. Really we are lucky we only had to do IVF 3 times...many couples go through treatments for years (and many get pregnant their first try). I'm also glad that we never had to make the decision as to when/if we should stop treatments.
I've always felt I was meant to be a mother. Adoption has always been an option I considered, but I've always wanted to experience pregnancy and feel a baby growing and moving inside me. I feel like I'm getting everything I want! Even though I often think about what it might be like when we try to get pregnant again, and I do want more than one child, I feel like even if we only have this one I would still be happy with that.
For now I am looking forward to the more enjoyable and exciting parts of pregnancy. I cannot wait to start seeing changes on the outside (bring on the baby bump)! I'm also excited for the exhaustion and nausea to subside (and hopeful that it will). I'm feeling a little better since I started taking Unisom (1/2 a tab each night) and vitamin B (during the day). I didn't realize just how much the Unisom was helping until I forgot to take it Saturday night-I felt horribly sick all day Sunday (thank goodness for ginger tea!) I'm really just hoping everything goes smooth and we don't run into any more roadblocks before we get to hold our very own baby. I'm so grateful for this baby!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Growing a Human is Rough!
Who knew growing a baby would be so exhausting! In fact the last year with all of the hormones and treatments has all been pretty exhausting. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I just keep thinking that I'm going to have to go through all of this again-and I do mean ALL of it.
There's a chance that when we try for a second baby that we will be able to make it happen on our own, but likely we will have to do IVF again. That means months of medication and injection schedules in addition to the typical pregnancy symptoms.
If we're lucky, we'll get pregnant on our our first or second try with one of our remaining 3 frozen embryos (2 are frozen together so we have to use them together) so we won't have to go through the misery of egg retrieval again, but there's no way to know for sure. It's crazy that I'm even thinking that far ahead right now, but it's always there lingering in the back of my mind. That's how being infertile makes me feel different: I don't just have to go through pregnancy again to have another child, but I'll likely have to go through a lot to get pregnant in the first place-it really is quite a process.
As far as pregnancy goes I know I've been pretty lucky so far. I am nauseous almost all of the time, but I have not actually thrown up (yet...although I've wanted to!) I dread showering because showers always make me more nauseous. I know it's the heat, but I've cooled my showers considerably from what is usual for me--if I turn the water any colder I'll freeze! I just keep reminding myself that it's all part of growing a human being!
I miss the first couple weeks of my pregnancy when all I wanted to do was eat and everything tasted so good! Now I get more sick when I'm hungry but the thought of eating always turns my stomach--I feel like I have to force myself to eat.
I am exhausted all the time (probably because I'm not sleeping well, which is likely contributing to my nausea) and I feel like a royal bitch most days (which my sister confirmed last night that I have been acting like one), but my family has been putting up with it. It's amazing what stress and exhaustion can do to your mood and how it can affect what comes out of your mouth! My doctor told me to take 1/2 a Unisom at night and 50 mg of vitamin B three times a day to help battle my nausea by helping me get a good night's sleep...it doesn't seem to be working well.
One reminder of my infertility process is the nightly progesterone injections I have to endure. I know I've complained about them before, but they really are a miserable experience and seem to get worse. Sometimes they are very painful and they have been leaving hard lumps, some numb spots and making me very sore (only 15 more shots to go! Yay!)
I keep wondering if it's normal to worry as much as I do. I worry if I feel too good for a day, I worry when my nipples aren't as sore as the day before, I worry when I get upset or stressed--I worry that any of these things means my pregnancy is going away. Today has been a bad day; I've been in bed feeling nauseous and tired most of the day...I'm not worried about my pregnancy at all today! I am worried that I may be coming down with a cold: my throat is very sore!
I'm not all negative these days though. I'm so excited for every appointment: one week until my next one. I look forward to every week--I am 8 weeks today; our baby is the size of a large raspberry and growing every day. I am SO excited for all the future pregnancy milestones (which I'm sure will bring more surprises, joys and miseries)! I'm also enjoying being able to relate to friends' pregnancy complaints on Facebook instead of being jealous of them. I feel like I'm part of a new little club of pregnant women. Sometimes it even feels like the past doesn't matter, all that matters is that we're all going to have babies within the next 7 months.
What's more exciting is that I recently found out that one of my friends who has also been struggling with infertility for years is pregnant and just 3 weeks ahead of me. She's my one pregnant friend who I feel like really understands what it feels like to want to be pregnant and have a baby more than anything and then finally get what you want. She's the one person who can agree that even if we feel miserable and complain, we still wouldn't want it any other way!
There's a chance that when we try for a second baby that we will be able to make it happen on our own, but likely we will have to do IVF again. That means months of medication and injection schedules in addition to the typical pregnancy symptoms.
If we're lucky, we'll get pregnant on our our first or second try with one of our remaining 3 frozen embryos (2 are frozen together so we have to use them together) so we won't have to go through the misery of egg retrieval again, but there's no way to know for sure. It's crazy that I'm even thinking that far ahead right now, but it's always there lingering in the back of my mind. That's how being infertile makes me feel different: I don't just have to go through pregnancy again to have another child, but I'll likely have to go through a lot to get pregnant in the first place-it really is quite a process.
As far as pregnancy goes I know I've been pretty lucky so far. I am nauseous almost all of the time, but I have not actually thrown up (yet...although I've wanted to!) I dread showering because showers always make me more nauseous. I know it's the heat, but I've cooled my showers considerably from what is usual for me--if I turn the water any colder I'll freeze! I just keep reminding myself that it's all part of growing a human being!
I miss the first couple weeks of my pregnancy when all I wanted to do was eat and everything tasted so good! Now I get more sick when I'm hungry but the thought of eating always turns my stomach--I feel like I have to force myself to eat.
I am exhausted all the time (probably because I'm not sleeping well, which is likely contributing to my nausea) and I feel like a royal bitch most days (which my sister confirmed last night that I have been acting like one), but my family has been putting up with it. It's amazing what stress and exhaustion can do to your mood and how it can affect what comes out of your mouth! My doctor told me to take 1/2 a Unisom at night and 50 mg of vitamin B three times a day to help battle my nausea by helping me get a good night's sleep...it doesn't seem to be working well.
One reminder of my infertility process is the nightly progesterone injections I have to endure. I know I've complained about them before, but they really are a miserable experience and seem to get worse. Sometimes they are very painful and they have been leaving hard lumps, some numb spots and making me very sore (only 15 more shots to go! Yay!)
I keep wondering if it's normal to worry as much as I do. I worry if I feel too good for a day, I worry when my nipples aren't as sore as the day before, I worry when I get upset or stressed--I worry that any of these things means my pregnancy is going away. Today has been a bad day; I've been in bed feeling nauseous and tired most of the day...I'm not worried about my pregnancy at all today! I am worried that I may be coming down with a cold: my throat is very sore!
I'm not all negative these days though. I'm so excited for every appointment: one week until my next one. I look forward to every week--I am 8 weeks today; our baby is the size of a large raspberry and growing every day. I am SO excited for all the future pregnancy milestones (which I'm sure will bring more surprises, joys and miseries)! I'm also enjoying being able to relate to friends' pregnancy complaints on Facebook instead of being jealous of them. I feel like I'm part of a new little club of pregnant women. Sometimes it even feels like the past doesn't matter, all that matters is that we're all going to have babies within the next 7 months.
What's more exciting is that I recently found out that one of my friends who has also been struggling with infertility for years is pregnant and just 3 weeks ahead of me. She's my one pregnant friend who I feel like really understands what it feels like to want to be pregnant and have a baby more than anything and then finally get what you want. She's the one person who can agree that even if we feel miserable and complain, we still wouldn't want it any other way!
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
One or Two Babies
We had our viability ultrasound this morning. The first thing the doctor said when he looked at the screen was that he saw two sacs which means twins. But upon closer inspection he realized that one of the sacs was considerably smaller than the other and that he could only see a trace of an embryo in it. Even though I am 7 weeks today, the small sac was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days. What we likely have is a vanishing twin.
A vanishing twin is a twin that never really develops normally and is eventually just reabsorbed by the body. We have to go back in for another ultrasound in two weeks to see if the vanishing twin has actually vanished. There is a VERY slim possibility that it could continue to develop but that is very unlikely and it would actually be better for it to disappear sooner rather than later. If it continues to develop it would likely result in a miscarriage which could cause some minor complications for the healthy baby.
The other embryo is perfect! It measures at 7 weeks 1 day (a day ahead) and looks exactly the way a 7 week embryo should. The doctor said it is just a tad smaller than a kidney bean. He also said that with how good and healthy everything looks we only have about a 5% chance of a miscarriage (which eased my fears). They gave us a bunch of pictures to take home (at least a dozen)...I want to carry them around with me! We even got to see and hear the heartbeat-a healthy 140 beats per minute!
We are so excited! One perfect, healthy, growing baby is such good news! I was a little nervous, excited and scared this morning, so I am happy to have gotten good news. I admit that I had kindof gotten my hopes up for twins, but knowing that we are only going to have one is a bit of a relief; two babies would have been a little overwhelming (of course if you know me you know I'm always up for a challenge). I'm a little sad that one of the embryos isn't going to make it, but I'm glad the other one is so healthy! I'm SO excited!!! I think it's finally feeling more real for Ryan too (the constant nausea has made it pretty real to me). I'm already getting excited to see what our baby looks like in another 2 weeks!
A vanishing twin is a twin that never really develops normally and is eventually just reabsorbed by the body. We have to go back in for another ultrasound in two weeks to see if the vanishing twin has actually vanished. There is a VERY slim possibility that it could continue to develop but that is very unlikely and it would actually be better for it to disappear sooner rather than later. If it continues to develop it would likely result in a miscarriage which could cause some minor complications for the healthy baby.
The other embryo is perfect! It measures at 7 weeks 1 day (a day ahead) and looks exactly the way a 7 week embryo should. The doctor said it is just a tad smaller than a kidney bean. He also said that with how good and healthy everything looks we only have about a 5% chance of a miscarriage (which eased my fears). They gave us a bunch of pictures to take home (at least a dozen)...I want to carry them around with me! We even got to see and hear the heartbeat-a healthy 140 beats per minute!
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| Our healthy little blueberry! |
Saturday, September 6, 2014
On Vacation: Sick, Sore and Sleepy
I have had plenty of opportunities to write something this past week but have chosen to nap instead every time! I actually just woke up from an hour (maybe 2 hour) long nap to finish writing this. I have had a busy couple of weeks! Busy and good that is. Last weekend I packed up my nieces and drove to Idaho with my mom (and my aunt's two dogs) for our annual family trip and we went to the State Fair in Blackfoot with my grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins.
We drove home (luckily my aunt who hitched a ride home with us offered to do the actual driving) from Idaho Monday evening and Tuesday morning Ryan and I boarded a plane for Houston, Texas. As you can imagine, back-to-back vacations required a lot of packing, before and in between, so last week was pretty stressful for me. We are in Houston because Ryan and I have tickets to the Texans NFL season opener on Sunday (they play the Redskins)-our own little annual tradition (although this is a tradition that will likely change when we're parents). We will be here until Monday.
I had a friend email me recently (I've been meaning to email you back); she said to not feel like I can't complain just because I finally got something I wanted so bad. I keep thinking about that because I feel bad every time I complain-I did want this more than anything, so should I really be complaining now that I got what I wanted? She also said that pregnancy is the most wonderful and miserable experience ever! I think about what she said every time I tell someone I don't feel so great; I am definitely experiencing some of the miserable part.
I'm still waiting for the wonderful part. Right now I'm tired all the time, bloated to the point my jeans are uncomfortable (I had to buy some ponytail holders to hook the button through the loop) and I feel more nauseous every day. I do best if I make sure not to get too hungry so I've started carrying pretzels and granola bars in my purse and ordering sprite everywhere we go (since nobody seems to have ginger ale). And my boobs are finally sore-more specifically my nipples-they are super tender...like they've been chewed on or smashed. Deep down I'm grateful for all of these symptoms: I keep reminding myself that I feel crappy because my body is focused on making sure the little human(s) growing inside me is thriving.
I have an extra miserable experience to add to the list that most women don't have to go through: because I did not ovulate and conception did not actually take place in my body, I have to continue progesterone and estrogen (pill) supplements until the placenta is fully developed and can regulate those hormones for me. The progesterone injections are getting worse every day-I am SO sore from them and still have almost a month more to go (until October 1st). It hurts when my purse bumps my love handles and is uncomfortable to lay on either side (I'm a side sleeper so I've had to make that work). This week has been particularly bad-no dark visible bruises, but I've gushed blood three out of the last four nights and I definitely feel bruised. Ryan's running out of places to poke me with the needles!
Besides sick, I also feel a little guilty. First, because I feel like I should be more excited on the outside. Don't get me wrong-I'm very excited; in fact I (Ryan's been doing this too) have even told every waitress and checker that I'm pregnant and it might be twins. I want to tell EVERYONE! When I tell people though, it sometimes seems like they express more outward excitement than I do. It's hard to enjoy being pregnant when I'm worried about what might go wrong. I will admit that part of my laid back attitude is just because I'm simply exhausted and don't have the energy to be excited. The only thing on my mind is my pregnancy right now. Especially since I feel like I might throw up at any second most of the time...it makes it hard not to think about it!
The second reason I feel guilty is because of all of my friends who are still trying to get pregnant: I feel like I left them all behind. It's strange because I have felt connected to women struggling to conceive even if we weren't in contact regularly or had never met in person, simply because we had this shared struggle. Now I feel like I've left these friends behind, but I don't want to. I guess I just feel like they won't accept me any more. I feel like I'm disconnected from my infertile friends, but I also don't feel like I fit in with friends who never went through what I did to become pregnant themselves. Because I struggled for so long and wasn't able to plan my pregnancy or time it how I wanted I feel like my lucky fertile friends don't understand exactly what I'm feeling right now. I never expected to still feel so affected by my infertility after getting pregnant.
I do have a handful of girls who keep easing my fears-some of these girls are friends who struggled for years like I did but finally became pregnant and gave birth to healthy babies (some are just close friends who know how I've struggled emotionally). One said she was sure her baby wouldn't have a heartbeat at the first ultrasound, even though everything turned out fine. I can totally relate to that because after going through so many disappointments it's hard to imagine everything progressing normally and working out. It's nice to know that pregnancy was a little scary and not all happy and perfect, because I feel like it is a little scary. I can't wait until I can feel movements-I'm even considering buying a baby doppler so I can listen to the little heartbeats every day!
I thought I would be terrified of having a miscarriage for the first trimester, but I'm halfway through it and I'm not as scared as I thought I would be. I can't imagine that something that terrible could happen to us after everything we've been through. Overall, the best part is that I am actually pregnant (still feels weird to say that) and no matter what at least now I know that I can get pregnant. If we have to go through all of this again to get pregnant again in a few years then I feel like knowing I've done it once will make it easier the second time around. I really feel confident that it is going to work out for us this time. I can't wait to find out if it's twins next Wednesday!!
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| Mom, Me, Kenzie and Brinlee during our weekend in Idaho visiting Grandma |
Just my luck, all of those pesky pregnancy symptoms are starting to kick in on our vacation. Luckily our vacation has mostly consisted of visiting with Ryan's high school friends, (we did do something touristy-we went to the Museum of Natural Science today) so it has been fairly low key. Tomorrow will be anything but low key: we have a full morning of tailgating then the game (look for us on the 3rd row behind the end zone!) I hope I can keep up!
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| A few pics from the first part of our Houston trip |
I'm still waiting for the wonderful part. Right now I'm tired all the time, bloated to the point my jeans are uncomfortable (I had to buy some ponytail holders to hook the button through the loop) and I feel more nauseous every day. I do best if I make sure not to get too hungry so I've started carrying pretzels and granola bars in my purse and ordering sprite everywhere we go (since nobody seems to have ginger ale). And my boobs are finally sore-more specifically my nipples-they are super tender...like they've been chewed on or smashed. Deep down I'm grateful for all of these symptoms: I keep reminding myself that I feel crappy because my body is focused on making sure the little human(s) growing inside me is thriving.
I have an extra miserable experience to add to the list that most women don't have to go through: because I did not ovulate and conception did not actually take place in my body, I have to continue progesterone and estrogen (pill) supplements until the placenta is fully developed and can regulate those hormones for me. The progesterone injections are getting worse every day-I am SO sore from them and still have almost a month more to go (until October 1st). It hurts when my purse bumps my love handles and is uncomfortable to lay on either side (I'm a side sleeper so I've had to make that work). This week has been particularly bad-no dark visible bruises, but I've gushed blood three out of the last four nights and I definitely feel bruised. Ryan's running out of places to poke me with the needles!
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| Just so you can see what I mean by "gushed" here are paper towels from the first 2 nights. |
The second reason I feel guilty is because of all of my friends who are still trying to get pregnant: I feel like I left them all behind. It's strange because I have felt connected to women struggling to conceive even if we weren't in contact regularly or had never met in person, simply because we had this shared struggle. Now I feel like I've left these friends behind, but I don't want to. I guess I just feel like they won't accept me any more. I feel like I'm disconnected from my infertile friends, but I also don't feel like I fit in with friends who never went through what I did to become pregnant themselves. Because I struggled for so long and wasn't able to plan my pregnancy or time it how I wanted I feel like my lucky fertile friends don't understand exactly what I'm feeling right now. I never expected to still feel so affected by my infertility after getting pregnant.
I do have a handful of girls who keep easing my fears-some of these girls are friends who struggled for years like I did but finally became pregnant and gave birth to healthy babies (some are just close friends who know how I've struggled emotionally). One said she was sure her baby wouldn't have a heartbeat at the first ultrasound, even though everything turned out fine. I can totally relate to that because after going through so many disappointments it's hard to imagine everything progressing normally and working out. It's nice to know that pregnancy was a little scary and not all happy and perfect, because I feel like it is a little scary. I can't wait until I can feel movements-I'm even considering buying a baby doppler so I can listen to the little heartbeats every day!
I thought I would be terrified of having a miscarriage for the first trimester, but I'm halfway through it and I'm not as scared as I thought I would be. I can't imagine that something that terrible could happen to us after everything we've been through. Overall, the best part is that I am actually pregnant (still feels weird to say that) and no matter what at least now I know that I can get pregnant. If we have to go through all of this again to get pregnant again in a few years then I feel like knowing I've done it once will make it easier the second time around. I really feel confident that it is going to work out for us this time. I can't wait to find out if it's twins next Wednesday!!
Monday, August 25, 2014
Still Pregnant!
It feels so strange to be just sitting back waiting for my body to change, waiting to feel something different. It still feels unreal and I have this irrational fear that it could disappear; I want to take a test every morning when I wake up just to be sure it's still true, that it's not a dream. Even morning sickness would make me feel relieved-like that would be a daily reassurance that something is different. (I'll probably regret that comment if sickness hits the week we're on vacation in Houston!) I have gotten so used to disappointments and negative test results that I can't believe this is finally happening for me!
I'm still checking every morning to see if my boobs are sore...still normal. I really don't have any symptoms-I feel TOO normal! I'm still feeling tired though and mostly just want to sit at home because it requires too much energy to do anything.
Today, however, I was very productive. I had breakfast, went to the doctor for another blood test, came home and ate lunch, then Melissa and I went to the funeral home in Spanish Fork to pick up Brandon's ashes, to the grocery store for 3 items (all I could handle by this point), picked up the kids from school, came home and had snacks then I supervised/helped the girls scrub the bathrooms. That felt like more than enough for one day! Now it's nap time (as soon as I finish writing)...for me and Melissa (who has to work all night doing inventory)-the kids are playing and watching a movie. <Note: I did sleep for over over an hour.>
My blood test this morning was a bit of an adventure. My veins are deep so they require nurses to go in blind. Today, the guy that called me back tried twice and my vein kept rolling away from him. So he went to get "the expert". Once she (the expert) came into the room she felt for another vein in a less traumatized part of my arm until my arm was practically turning purple from the tourniquet. Then she switched arms and after several minutes found a good one. She used a smaller needle and was able to poke my vein on her first try. So long story short, 2 nurses, 3 needles and 30 minutes later I was leaving the office with a stylish blue band on each arm.
The highlight of my day was the phone call from the IVF nurse around 1:00 with my beta count. It was 719 on Saturday and that number will typically double every 48 hours. Today-48 hours later- it is at 1887! That is more than double, which she said could be a good indication that both embryos took. We won't know for sure until our viability screening (fancy name for our first ultrasound) which I scheduled today for Wednesday September 10.
I have to admit that even though the thought of twins was scary to me months ago, now I'm kinda hoping for twins. I'm sure it would be a challenge (even a singleton would be challenging) but it would also be fun!
I'm also hoping that both embryos took because I know that a miscarriage is always a risk, but I figure the chance of losing both is very slim. I guess two just makes me feel a little more reassured that we will be bringing home at least one baby in 8 months.
My biggest complaint so far: my backside is SO sore from the progesterone injections! And I still have 5 more weeks of them ahead of me (until October 1st). I feel guilty complaining about them though, because the only reason I have to keep doing them is because I'm pregnant so I should be grateful.
I feel like time is passing so slow right now. My due date as of right now is April 29...that sounds so far away! I know everyone keeps saying it will be over before I know it, but I think this first week is going to feel as long as the 2 Week Wait! Next week we'll be in Houston, then the week we get back is our ultrasound. I can't wait for the ultrasound! I feel like seeing the embryo(s) will make it more real for me.
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| Flowers, teddy bear and cookies from Ryan's sister and brother-in-law...brightened our happy Saturday! |
Today, however, I was very productive. I had breakfast, went to the doctor for another blood test, came home and ate lunch, then Melissa and I went to the funeral home in Spanish Fork to pick up Brandon's ashes, to the grocery store for 3 items (all I could handle by this point), picked up the kids from school, came home and had snacks then I supervised/helped the girls scrub the bathrooms. That felt like more than enough for one day! Now it's nap time (as soon as I finish writing)...for me and Melissa (who has to work all night doing inventory)-the kids are playing and watching a movie. <Note: I did sleep for over over an hour.>
My blood test this morning was a bit of an adventure. My veins are deep so they require nurses to go in blind. Today, the guy that called me back tried twice and my vein kept rolling away from him. So he went to get "the expert". Once she (the expert) came into the room she felt for another vein in a less traumatized part of my arm until my arm was practically turning purple from the tourniquet. Then she switched arms and after several minutes found a good one. She used a smaller needle and was able to poke my vein on her first try. So long story short, 2 nurses, 3 needles and 30 minutes later I was leaving the office with a stylish blue band on each arm.
The highlight of my day was the phone call from the IVF nurse around 1:00 with my beta count. It was 719 on Saturday and that number will typically double every 48 hours. Today-48 hours later- it is at 1887! That is more than double, which she said could be a good indication that both embryos took. We won't know for sure until our viability screening (fancy name for our first ultrasound) which I scheduled today for Wednesday September 10.
I have to admit that even though the thought of twins was scary to me months ago, now I'm kinda hoping for twins. I'm sure it would be a challenge (even a singleton would be challenging) but it would also be fun!
I'm also hoping that both embryos took because I know that a miscarriage is always a risk, but I figure the chance of losing both is very slim. I guess two just makes me feel a little more reassured that we will be bringing home at least one baby in 8 months.
My biggest complaint so far: my backside is SO sore from the progesterone injections! And I still have 5 more weeks of them ahead of me (until October 1st). I feel guilty complaining about them though, because the only reason I have to keep doing them is because I'm pregnant so I should be grateful.
I feel like time is passing so slow right now. My due date as of right now is April 29...that sounds so far away! I know everyone keeps saying it will be over before I know it, but I think this first week is going to feel as long as the 2 Week Wait! Next week we'll be in Houston, then the week we get back is our ultrasound. I can't wait for the ultrasound! I feel like seeing the embryo(s) will make it more real for me.
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