I saw this same headline on a page I follow and instead of reading it, I decided to come up with my own list instead. In the last few years as infertility has become a bigger and bigger part of my life; I have learned things about not just the disease, but about myself and others as well.
1. Getting pregnant is actually really hard
I used to think that starting a family was easy. It is a natural process and mammals are meant to procreate so how hard could it really be? In reality there is a slim window each month when conception is possible and most couples don't get pregnant on the first try (although most do get pregnant within a few months of trying). Normal couples only have a 25% chance of becoming pregnant each month. I don't think I ever would have known that if I had not struggled in that area. I've learned a lot about timing, ovulation, how my ovaries work, pregnancy, etc. Basically a woman has a 36-hour window each month, during which time the egg is making its way down the fallopian tube, for the sperm to meet up with the egg. Luckily sperm can survive in a woman's body for about 3 days, so they have time to wait around for the egg if needed. (With such a small window I am constantly amazed at the number of teenagers who get pregnant by accident.)
2. Most people don't know much about infertility I used to think that starting a family was easy. It is a natural process and mammals are meant to procreate so how hard could it really be? In reality there is a slim window each month when conception is possible and most couples don't get pregnant on the first try (although most do get pregnant within a few months of trying). Normal couples only have a 25% chance of becoming pregnant each month. I don't think I ever would have known that if I had not struggled in that area. I've learned a lot about timing, ovulation, how my ovaries work, pregnancy, etc. Basically a woman has a 36-hour window each month, during which time the egg is making its way down the fallopian tube, for the sperm to meet up with the egg. Luckily sperm can survive in a woman's body for about 3 days, so they have time to wait around for the egg if needed. (With such a small window I am constantly amazed at the number of teenagers who get pregnant by accident.)
Most people think (as I did) that if you take fertility medications/hormones that you always end up with multiple babies (not just twins, but like 5 or 6!) I have learned that is definitely not true. Even though the risk for multiples is slightly increased, anything more than twins is extremely rare. Doctors only want you to have one baby at a time because of the risks involved with multiples (except for the Octomom's doctor, who implanted her with 12 embryos and lost his license because of it). I have also found that most people know very little about IVF and are actually very curious about all that is involved in it. Some people are afraid to talk about it until I bring it up. Once they realize I'm okay answering their questions, they ask lots of them. I like letting people know about infertility, not just for me, but also for the other people in their lives who they might understand better after learning a little about it. Talking about it also might help those who easily become pregnant appreciate what a blessing that truly is.
3. Infertility is more common than you think
Infertility is not as rare as I thought, it just seems that way because most people affected by it don't talk about it. Infertility affects 1
in 8 couples. That is almost 10% of couples, which is a lot of people. Not talking about it doesn't make it go away, it just makes people oblivious to the problem. Talking about it actually helps! It
helps me feel better to share my struggles as well as hear about the
struggles of others because it makes me feel less alone. I have had a couple of women going through infertility reach out to me for support after reading my blog and I have reached out to a few women myself. Knowing I am not alone in this and that there are others who understand what I am going through and feeling makes it easier sometimes.
4. You don't know what it's like until you're in it
I have heard this many times before. Every day I realize more and more just how true it is though. Realizing this has made me a little more understanding of those not experiencing it themselves and also has made me feel more compassion toward those suffering from different types of infertility than myself. No infertility struggle is the same, but the one thing all of them have in common is the pain. Further you don't know how you're going to feel about a specific
treatment, procedure or outcome until you get there and experience it yourself.
Some news is more upsetting than other news and you never know what is going to get to you the most. I think it's like that with anything in life though: you never understand completely until you experience something yourself. There are some things that I will only talk about with someone who is experiencing infertility herself. 4. You don't know what it's like until you're in it
5. Things don't always work out the way you think they will
In dealing with constant disappointment I have come to realize that nothing is a sure thing. New treatments don't always work the first time around and some won't work at all. It is still hard not to get excited each time we try a new treatment or procedure though. Every time we try something new I am so confident that this time we figured out the cure to our problem, only to be left disappointed when it doesn't work. I feel like we are getting better at not getting our hopes up too much, but sometimes it is hard. I also have to remember not to have expectations going into our appointments. It has not always been smooth sailing and sometimes we don't get the results or news we expected. I have definitely developed a thicker skin since starting this process. It is what it is and sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.
6. IVF isn't a sure thing
I always thought that IVF was this big, expensive and magical solution. It was the thing we would try once we exhausted all of our other options (and saved up tens of thousands of dollars). Well, we did exhaust all other options and so here we are. As it turns out it is not a magical cure-there is no such thing. It is expensive, but not as expensive as I once thought it was. IVF is the treatment with the best odds, but it's still a gamble. It doesn't always work in the end and it often takes more than just one or two tries. It's a lot more complicated than I thought it would be with all of the injections, exact doses and perfect timing--it's all so precise and really just amazing. It also comes with some risks (like OHSS) and side effects (like night sweats) that I never expected.
I always thought that IVF was this big, expensive and magical solution. It was the thing we would try once we exhausted all of our other options (and saved up tens of thousands of dollars). Well, we did exhaust all other options and so here we are. As it turns out it is not a magical cure-there is no such thing. It is expensive, but not as expensive as I once thought it was. IVF is the treatment with the best odds, but it's still a gamble. It doesn't always work in the end and it often takes more than just one or two tries. It's a lot more complicated than I thought it would be with all of the injections, exact doses and perfect timing--it's all so precise and really just amazing. It also comes with some risks (like OHSS) and side effects (like night sweats) that I never expected.
7. Our infertility does not define who we are
This thing we are dealing with is more important to me (and Ryan) than anyone else. It's hard to get used to our infertility and treatments not being the top thing on the minds of those around us when those things are such a central part of our own lives. Sometimes, when I tell someone what a big, important thing this is to me, they don't say much and move on to other topics more quickly than I would like. IVF is always on my mind. But people don't know what a big part of my life this is unless I tell them. Ryan and I are still who we are and our friends and families still see us for who we are, not just as this infertile couple they know. I have to remind myself to focus on my accomplishments and things I am good at so I don't define myself by this one thing I can't seem to do. I am so much more than just "infertile."
This thing we are dealing with is more important to me (and Ryan) than anyone else. It's hard to get used to our infertility and treatments not being the top thing on the minds of those around us when those things are such a central part of our own lives. Sometimes, when I tell someone what a big, important thing this is to me, they don't say much and move on to other topics more quickly than I would like. IVF is always on my mind. But people don't know what a big part of my life this is unless I tell them. Ryan and I are still who we are and our friends and families still see us for who we are, not just as this infertile couple they know. I have to remind myself to focus on my accomplishments and things I am good at so I don't define myself by this one thing I can't seem to do. I am so much more than just "infertile."
8. Be forgiving and don't judge others
Not everyone understands what I am going through. I have learned that I need to be understanding of others when they say things I think of as insensitive because they probably didn't mean for it to sound that way. Sometimes good-intended advice hurts and jokes can strike a nerve. I have to remind myself that it is okay if people who know about our journey don't ask questions along the way; it doesn't mean they don't care-maybe they just don't know what to say. I also have to not let it get to me when someone close to me asks questions that I've recently addressed in my blog: not everyone reads every post and that is okay (there are only 3 people that I know read every single post: Ryan, his mom and my dad; for that I am so grateful).
Not everyone understands what I am going through. I have learned that I need to be understanding of others when they say things I think of as insensitive because they probably didn't mean for it to sound that way. Sometimes good-intended advice hurts and jokes can strike a nerve. I have to remind myself that it is okay if people who know about our journey don't ask questions along the way; it doesn't mean they don't care-maybe they just don't know what to say. I also have to not let it get to me when someone close to me asks questions that I've recently addressed in my blog: not everyone reads every post and that is okay (there are only 3 people that I know read every single post: Ryan, his mom and my dad; for that I am so grateful).
9. Support shows up in unexpected places
You never know where support might come from. I
have received messages of encouragement from friends who I rarely see
or haven't spoken to in years. Some of them are parents, some are single and some don't want children of their own, but all of them are cheering me on and praying for us in our journey to parenthood. I have even run into old friends who have told me they read my blog and are really hoping things work out for us. The messages of sympathy and encouragement we receive along the way are so inspiring and really do lift my spirits. I never realized just how many great friends we had in our corner until I shared our struggle on this blog and Facebook.
10. Appreciate the little things in life
All the time spent waiting for a baby has really taught me to appreciate the simple pleasures in life. It's not just the little things, it's everything. If I get too caught up in our infertility I miss out on all the fun my life can be. Ryan and I make plans for the weekends, go to movies, eat dinner together every night, go for walks or drives, or out for ice cream. Lately we have really been enjoying sitting on the porch or in the backyard and just taking in this beautiful weather and relaxing together. I love all of these things.
I do things for me too: I clean and garden to beautify my life, exercise and get ready every day to feel better about myself, cook and write because I enjoy it, mediate and do crafts because I feel accomplished when I do and read or play the piano to relax. I enjoy the free time I have to do the things I love and I also know that once we have children I might not be able to do as much of those things. All of these things keep my mind off of infertility and IVF. Appreciating what I do have and what I can do helps to keep me balanced and centered.
Did I miss anything? I am sure I still have more that I will learn as we progress through more treatments and cycles, but for now I feel pretty content with this list. Looking back, I wish I could remember better exactly when some of these lessons occurred to me (some of them I am still learning). I honestly don't know when infertility came onto my radar because it seems like it lingered in my peripheral for a long time before it came into full view a couple of years ago. It's crazy how you just seem to fall further and further down the rabbit hole until you don't even remember what life was like on the other side.
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