From Infertility to Pregnancy

Pregnancy has turned me antisocial. I hide out in my room and avoid contact with people whenever possible. Being social just feels exhausting right now. With all that alone time I should be writing. But I'm not. I've slowed way down on my blog recently. Here are the 3 reasons why I think things have changed:

1. I'm too tired to come up with anything to say. I never realized just how exhausting pregnancy would be.

2. I've been pretty busy with my house full of people and with packing. Yes you heard me-packing! I haven't shared the news publicly yet because it didn't seem real, but we are buying our dream house! We close in less than a week. Which means I will probably be writing even less for a while very soon.

3. I'm just not sure what to write about. When I started writing about infertility I never thought about how my blog might change or what I would write about once I got pregnant. Infertility became a part of my identity and with my pregnancy I feel like part of my identity changed.

My infertility is still not cured. I know it might be just as challenging to get pregnant a second time. I also know that there's a slim possibility that this might be my only pregnancy I ever experience it. On the other hand, if endometriosis truly is my only obstacle, this pregnancy could be healing enough that I get pregnant right away next time. The truth is there is no way to know for sure. 

I feel like I should still be addressing each post from an infertility standpoint. I know we have lots of people out there cheering us on and celebrating our success with us, but I also know what it feels like to be envious of the success of others and cry when a friend gets pregnant. I don't want to be the person who hurts a woman's feelings by always talking about how happy I am to be pregnant. I hope my success can give others hope, but I know that what they take away from my story is up to them.

I keep reminding myself that my blog is called "The Road to Baby Madsen" and pregnancy is part of that road. Really this is my blog and I can transition it into any kind of blog that I want it to be. I'm not ready to be a "mommy blogger" though--in fact, I have never wanted to be a mommy blogger.

For now I still don't feel like an ordinary pregnant woman. I probably never will. I don't feel like my pregnancy is more or less important or special than anyone else's, it's just that after trying for so long to get here I still feel injured somehow. I feel so fragile and think about our baby constantly. I count down the days to doctor appointments when we get to see our baby or hear the heartbeat to make sure she's still there-that this pregnancy is still real. I'm sure there are moms and other pregnant women out there who can relate. Because of all of these feelings I am not ready to let go of the infertility part of my blog.

Even though I write about pregnancy most of the time these days I still remember how painful certain experiences used to be. For example I went to a baby shower for a friend a couple weeks ago and had fun. It was the first time I wasn't fighting back tears or feelings of envy while trying to celebrate a mom and baby. Even Ryan could see how comfortable I was there.

I have had 2 friends announce pregnancies on Facebook in the last month and both times I've thought about how that might have made me want to push away from them in the past. I'm so excited to be expecting with them that instead of pushing away I have daydreams about how being pregnant together and having babies within a few months of each other is going to bring us closer together (which it hasn't actually...yet). When I heard those announcements though my first thought was how that news would've killed me 6 months ago. I don't think most pregnant women associate baby announcements with pain, but anyone who has ever struggled to get (or stay) pregnant can probably understand.

I do still have some infertility topics that I did not get to write about before I got pregnant. I even have a couple of blog posts I started writing but never completely finished or posted. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if I write a lot about my pregnancy you can still expect to see some posts about crazy feelings and fears rooted in my infertility experiences. I don't think I'm going to relax until I'm holding this baby in my arms.

No More Shots

On Tuesday night, Ryan gave me my last shot while my sister and nieces watched hoping to see me bleed (morbid, I know...but for some reason the kids get excited when my injection site gushes blood). I bled a little, but nothing compared to the spray of blood that shot out of me the night before (with no one watching). My nieces love watching me get my shot-mostly 7 year old Brinlee-and beg their mom to let them stay up to see it every night. I can't wait to watch them get their flu shots so they can get a glimpse of what I've been going through!

My last shot!

In 9 months (with a combined total of about 4 months in breaks), I gave myself 93 shots in the stomach and have been given 90 shots (mostly by Ryan) in the lower part of my back. We've had to take the shots with us sometimes because giving them at the same time every day can be a challenge. I have given myself shots in an attorneys office in front of another mediator, in a courthouse parking lot, in a church bathroom, in a cabin in the woods and in my car in my sister's driveway. We have both given me shots in numerous hotel rooms, Ryan's office, and bathrooms in the homes of friends or family members. Sometimes Ryan couldn't be there, so my sister or my mom had to fill in. As I've said before, they sometimes bled and caused bad bruising and the progesterone shots always made me sore.

Needless to say, I'm grateful that the shots are over. But a part of me is scared to stop the shots and pills. It's hard to trust that my body is going to produce these hormones on its own when it hasn't always been very reliable with matters of reproduction in the past. We had our first appointment with our new OB yesterday so I mentioned this to her. She assured me that my body and the baby would get the job done. She also said that they really don't know if women even need the progesterone supplemented that long, but they recommend it to be safe. In other words I probably would've been fine to quit the shots sooner, but it's better to err on the side of caution.

I feel super lucky because we also got to see our baby on an ultrasound AGAIN at our appointment yesterday! We've now seen our tiny human 3 times in the last month (not to brag or anything)! The little one's heartbeat is still holding strong, right around 145 bpm, which she said is perfectly normal and still healthy even though it's slightly lower than at our last ultrasound (of course I asked). In the picture below you can see the baby's tiny arms (which he/she was moving all around) and the umbilical cord.

Our Baby (whose face looks a little creepy in this pic)!

After the ultrasound our doctor had to rush downstairs to deliver a baby. It's so great that we will have our baby (and recover after) in the same building that we see our doctor in for regular appointments. As she pointed out it makes it easy to check on patients who are in labor in between appointments and be able to step out for deliveries without having to leave the building or drive anywhere. It might delay her appointments from time to time, but in a few months it will be me she is rushing to see take care of in the delivery room.

While she delivered the baby, a nurse gave us a goodie bag full of samples, brochures, coupons, a few magazines and even a book about pregnancy. She went through some educational material with us and answered some questions. She gave us a number to call if we ever want to know if a medication is safe or if any food or ingredient is okay to eat. It's great to have a resource other than just my doctor (or the Internet) for little questions between appointments.

The contents of my goodie bag!

Next they sent us to the lab for blood work. They drew 7 vials of blood! I can't believe they need that much for various things-that might be the most blood I've ever had drawn at one time. They also made me pee in a cup (easy when you're pregnant and have to pee all the time anyway!) I'm not sure as to all of what they test for, but I'll update everyone on the boring details as soon as we get the results.

By the time we were done in the lab our doctor was back from the delivery. We went back to our room and waited for her for just a few minutes. Lastly she did a Pap smear on me and answered some questions and we were done.

I really like our doctor. Her name is Dr. Alison DeSano. She is young, very energetic and seems like a fun, happy person. She went over what's normal and what's not (basically when you should worry). She took her time with us and made me feel at ease. Even with the delivery happening in the middle of our appointment I was still happy with our visit. I felt like we really got a good idea of how things work in the clinic/hospital. I also heard rave reviews about the cafeteria from several staff members as well as Ryan (I had my appendix out at that hospital so he's eaten there before).

I'm so excited for all of our upcoming milestones. I keep having "what if" thoughts, but push them out of my mind because I can't imagine we could have any more bad luck after all we've been through. Overall I have a pretty positive outlook...I feel good about this and really think everything is finally going to go our way. I still can't believe that a little living creature is growing and moving inside me!