Infertility on Film and Television-Part 2: Rules, Housewives and Friends

The most common infertility topic I see on television is surrogacy, which is strange because in real life it is not as common as IVF, IUIs, use of donor sperm or eggs (topics that are rarely brought up) or even simply medication. One reason surrogacy is more uncommon in reality might be that of all the options, surrogacy is the most expensive (partly because it is a legal process). For some reason on television shows any time a couple is struggling with infertility they immediately look into surrogacy or adoption (which might be why we infertiles get so many people asking “Why don’t you just adopt?”)

In all of the surrogacy movies on Lifetime they make it all look so simple: the doctor takes an embryo and puts it in the surrogate, then she takes a pregnancy test and it’s positive (usually on the first try). The surrogate never needs any injections or hormone supplements leading up to the embryo transfer and the parents are always so happy and calm. These programs never show how much the parents go through before deciding to use a surrogate-things like the tests, ovulation tracking, IUIs or IVF attempts, nor do they mention all the hormone injections and doctor’s appointments the couple and surrogate would go through before having an embryo to put into their surrogate in the first place-like the egg retrieval process. These movies also neglect to address the financial investment and emotional implications that I am sure come with using a surrogate. 

Three television series that I have enjoyed over the years and that have addressed infertility and surrogacy are Rules of Engagement, Desperate Housewives and Friends. I do not think any of these shows were very realistic in their portrayal of surrogacy or the emotions that I am sure come with that decision. Again, none of them show the parents really struggling emotionally with their infertility ("Friends" does a little), nor do they imply that the surrogates did more than have some embryos injected into their tummies and then take pregnancy tests.

Rules of Engagement

In Rules of Engagement (2007-2013) the desire of Jeff and Audrey (played by Patrick Warburton and Megyn Price) to be parents never seems very great (they talk about it in some episodes and don't even mention it in others). They make fun of the semen analysis, with jokes about masturbation and porn. The results show that Jeff has slow moving sperm and the doctor gives him a list of instructions, which he fails to follow (how much does he really want this?) somehow magically leading to the development of "super sperm" at his next test. They save the episode with him admitting near the end that he has been frustrated that they can't get pregnant because he feels like it is his fault, but a scene that could have been emotional is immediately turned comical.

Two seasons later they try IVF (for ONE episode). In one comical scene Jeff stabs himself with the needle when trying to give Audrey an estrogen injection (unrealistic, but fitting for this show). The one realistic part is Audrey complaining about the side effects of the hormones, which is why Jeff is scared when he pokes himself. Later, Audrey declines alcohol, suffers hot flashes (which are more common when estrogen levels drop not increase), and feels forgetful throughout the episode and they even meet a woman who is pregnant as a result of IVF. Overall they seem to dance around the issue of infertility and although I appreciate that the effort (having infertility as a part of the story line raises awareness), I don't think they ever take it seriously enough. 

In the first scene of the next episode they are discussing surrogates. They jump from infertility treatments in one episode to a surrogate in the next, never addressing the emotional implications of a failed IVF treatment (or multiple treatments: Audrey says they decided if the last IVF cycle did not work they had planned to find a surrogate). The surrogate herself is not a main character and there are several episodes where she and the baby are not even mentioned by parents Jeff and Audrey. The series ends with the surrogate giving birth (after over two seasons of being pregnant) and Audrey discovering that she is now, miraculously, pregnant. I hated the end and thought they should have just left it with the surrogate giving birth instead of throwing in a pregnancy on top of it.

Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives (2004-2012) is one of my favorite shows, but as far as infertility goes they really dropped the ball. Spoiled Gabrielle (played by Eva Longoria) never wanted to be a mother, but she ends up pregnant when her husband Carlos (played by Ricardo Chavira) tampers with her birth control pills. Just as Gaby is getting used to the idea of being a mother, she falls down the stairs and suffers a miscarriage. After the miscarriage there is one scene where she finally accepts the loss and deals with her grief. That scene was fairly honest emotionally, but up to that point she went around acting like she didn’t care and it was no big deal (which I am sure was angering for anyone who has ever suffered a miscarriage).

A few months later, when Gabrielle and Carlos decide they want to try to get pregnant again, they discover that Gaby cannot become pregnant because of complications from her miscarriage. I think it is odd that they never found anything wrong right after the miscarriage (probably because the writers did not know where they were going to take the story yet) and also don’t like that they never explain exactly what the problem is. All they say is that she had a miscarriage and now she can’t get pregnant again. It is all so vague, as infertility often is on television.

Next they decide to adopt but the process proves to be difficult because of their pasts (she slept with her teenage gardener and he spent time in prison for child labor in a factory his company owned). They end up going through a somewhat shady private adoption agency. Gaby is picky about the birth mothers’ looks and keeps turning down options, until they meet a pretty exotic dancer. They essentially pay her off, buying her any gift she desires. Just after she has the baby, they find out that the father is not the guy she told them he was so Gaby and Carlos kidnap the baby from the hospital. With the security in hospitals I don’t know how this would even be possible!

Somehow they are granted temporary custody (after kidnapping? really?) until the teen birth father can be found (he on vacation for spring break). The most realistic emotional scene in the whole thing is when the birth mom changes her mind and shows up with cops to take her baby back. Gaby is completely DEVASTATED (even thought her maid was doing most of the work caring for the baby) and left sobbing in front of her house after having to be physically restrained when social services takes the baby. That scene made me cry! 

Then it gets unrealistic AGAIN when they decide to get a surrogate. Gaby seems so calm telling her friends that they won’t adopt again and that surrogacy is the only option saying she has some eggs on ice. She says it like it’s nothing. I have been through egg retrieval and the routine of the shots and the side effects of the hormones are not something that I can imagine a diva like Gaby would get through without some complaints. The show's writers should have addressed that better. It was almost insulting that they brushed over it like that with no discussion (or research on the topic).

Gaby and Carlos convince their Chinese live-in maid to be their surrogate (who agrees to have their baby in hopes of avoiding deportation-again, really??) and just like that she is pregnant. After months of Gabrielle catering to their surrogate’s every need, Carlos becomes overly attracted to the woman carrying his child and starts having an affair with her.

Even though they are getting divorced by the time their surrogate goes into labor, they both show up at the hospital for the birth of their child. Then the baby is born and it is black…they are both Hispanic. This is when it gets really ridiculous: the clinic mixed up their embryo (oops) with another couple’s (their embryo didn’t take). As they leave the hospital they seem tired and defeated but not devastated the way I think a real life couple would be after so much.

Of course, they bounce back and several years later she miraculously gets pregnant not once, but twice! <insert eye roll> I know TV needs drama, but how much does one couple really have to go through?! I have a hard time believing any real life couple has had so much bad luck in every avenue of attempting to become parents (miscarriage, infertility, failed adoption, mixed up embryos). I’m not saying a mix-up has NEVER happened, but I really doubt with all of the precautions nowadays that any reputable clinic would just mix up embryos. It all happens so fast and is all so unrealistic. I feel like they almost made a mockery of the entire situation.

Friends 

In the fourth season of Friends (1994-2004) Phoebe's brother marries an older woman, and they quickly learn they can't have kids. They ask Phoebe (played by Lisa Kudrow) to be their surrogate. The show does find a way to explain some detail: like the uterus is ready for the embryos when the endometrial layer is thick. The same day Phoebe goes in for an ultrasound the doctor transfers 5 embryos and tells her that she has a 25% chance that one will take. The characters also discuss the costs (which I liked because most shows don't do it): Phoebe’s sister-in-law tells her this is their only shot because it cost $16,000 and they cannot afford to try again. These details might have been true when the show aired 16 years ago, but Phoebe having a moment alone with a petri dish containing the embryos, is completely unrealistic (and unsterile).

Phoebe comes home from the doctor and immediately takes a pregnancy test, saying that even though the doctor says it usually takes a couple days, her body has always worked faster than western medicine. No surprise, it’s negative. The next day (I assume she only laid upside down in a chair wearing the same clothes overnight) she takes another test and it is positive. She WAS pregnant with triplets, but even with multiples her hormone level would not have been elevated enough to get a positive after only one day-the embryos usually take a day or two to even implant and then it is typically at least a little over a week before a woman’s hCG levels are elevated enough for a home pregnancy test to detect.

In the ninth season I think the show’s writers redeemed themselves with the story of Chandler and Monica (played by Matthew Perry and Courtney Cox Arquette). Chandler and Monica’s story revolves around their desire and attempts to become parents for the last season two seasons. After trying to get pregnant for about a year, they see a doctor. Chandler is nervous about the semen analysis and makes jokes like he always does, but overall he seems okay about it. I like that they did not make too big of a deal about it because it seems like that is often given more attention than the women’s tests even though the women have more tests (and more invasive ones).

One part about the testing that I liked was that Monica said she had TESTS (plural) at one point, because women really do have to undergo more testing than men, and she says a minute later that she has an “invasive vaginal exam” to get to. I like the latter comment because it is the first (and only) time where I have ever heard a woman in any TV show or movie even mention what might be involved in the tests. She doesn’t go into detail, but she at least reveals that she will be undergoing more than a blood test. Women do so much more than just have blood drawn-there are so many exams and procedures to check different things related to infertility and they are all uncomfortable and at least a little invasive.

The show displays some serious situations sprinkled with comedy, but never at the wrong times. Moments that need serious emotion are given time for that emotion to show. For example, Chandler gets the call with the results of their fertility tests and then has to tell Monica the bad news: his sperm have low motility and she has a “hostile uterus,” which means they pretty much have no chance of conceiving on their own. They don’t make jokes; they just hug and agree that they are going to figure out what to do. In contrast, at the doctor’s office they say some funny one-liners about the causes of their infertility issues and Chandler makes jokes when the doctor discloses their options. Fans still feel for them, but comedy is what the show is about and is very much a part of Chandler’s character.

Their options are surrogacy (again, this less common approach is brought up) or insemination with donor sperm. Surrogacy could be an option, since it’s Monica’s uterus that is the problem, not her eggs. They never say what the problem is exactly though (endometriosis? polyps? fibroids?) and leave the audience to assume whatever it is cannot be treated. One problem with the storyline here is that the doctor suggests insemination (which is a broad term that could encompass IUI) with donor sperm, but if her uterus is “an inhospitable environment” I don’t see how donor sperm would succeed any better than Chandler’s lazy sperm. The other big question I have is why did the doctor not suggest IUI specifically or IVF, both of which are options in cases of low motility? If Monica can get pregnant with donor sperm there is no reason she would not be able to get pregnant using Chandler’s sperm and one of these procedures. But, this is TV and it is not always realistic.

The first option Chandler and Monica decide to go with is that of a sperm donor. They sort through profiles and end up inviting Chandler’s colleague (played by John Stamos) over for dinner where they scare him away with all their questions about his genetics and family medical history. By the end of the night Chandler thinks the sperm donor is a better specimen than he is and Monica has decided that she doesn’t want to use a donor. She says that if she can’t get pregnant with Chandler’s baby she doesn’t want to get pregnant with anyone else’s. I like this scene because when it is all said and done Chandler confesses that he feels the same way, but was being supportive of a donor because he thought that was what Monica wanted (the things we do for love). I understand how Monica feels. I think if we couldn’t have a child that was genetically both of ours that I would rather adopt.

Adoption is what they end up doing. The scenes with the birth mother are a little goofy and I am sure no prospective parents are ever surprised by twins in the delivery room with the way things are handled today, but it made for a fun surprise on the show and led to some comical solutions from Chandler. I think even with the extra comedy thrown in, once the characters decided to adopt the show still managed to display some real emotions (especially when Chandler and Monica are holding their new babies, smiling and hardly looking away) and brought attention to the idea of adoption and infertility. 

I would not watch this show expecting to get a completely realistic and honest story about infertility, but as far as comedies go, it does well. I know that it is fiction and it is a comedy, so they are going to make light of all types of serious situations. Even though they take a comic approach, it is impressive that a sitcom would even tackle such a serious subject especially when it was not something that was openly discussed at the time. This show is more truthful and detailed about the process of infertility testing and exploring options than most shows out there.

Infertility on Film and Television-Part 1: The Movies

If you know me, you know I love movies. So it really probably does not come as a shock that I have noticed themes of infertility in movies and televisions shows. Infertility is not a common theme in film and television, but it is a topic that is occasionally touched on. I wish there were more shows about it and I wish the ones that have addressed it had gone into more detail about it or were more realistic. Infertility is usually just a side story that plays out in the background. In reality, infertility is much more consuming than that. Most of the time, they screw up the details and just make it look too easy; nothing about infertility or the treatments for it is easy or simple.

For example on the BBC America drama Orphan Black some bad guys take eggs from a girl without her knowing, fertilize them and then put the embryos into 2 different girls who we are to assume become pregnant (I won’t go into too much detail because this is a show that is currently on the air). There are no hormone injections or supplements leading up to the egg retrieval or embryo transfers. The whole thing looks very easy (and dark). I have gone through an egg retrieval and it is definitely NOT easy. There are hormones (with side effects) involved to help the eggs mature to the point needed before they can be harvested and fertilized.

The Movies

There are only a handful of movies out there that touch on infertility. Some touch on it without ever really addressing it. For example, in Legends of the Fall (1994) Julia Ormond’s character Susannah never becomes a mother despite her obvious desire. She carries a sadness with her that is evident when she holds back tears while talking to Tristan's young son, but the topic is never discussed. Another movie that touches on infertility is The Good Girl (2002) starring Jennifer Aniston. I feel like infertility was only thrown in for extra drama in this case because the adulterous main character finds out she is pregnant just as her husband finds out he is the reason they cannot get pregnant.

Even though television shows have more time with their characters, there are some movies out there that handle the topic better than some of the TV shows (would it kill writers to do a little research?) Still it seems like a lot of the scientific and emotional details are left out when it comes to film. I am sure there are more movies with infertility themes running through the plot, but I will only mention a few.

High Crimes

One movie that comes to mind is the thriller High Crimes (2002). In the very beginning of the movie, Claire (played by Ashley Judd) is taking an ovulation test. When she gets a positive she goes running into her husband’s workshop to have a quickie on the couch. There is even some talk of position in order to up their chances of conception. I feel like this scene was there just to show what a happy couple this was that was about to have their world turned upside down. Nobody gets THAT excited about ovulating. Later in the movie, I think her reaction to a miscarriage (of a pregnancy she did not know she had) was more real than her excitement over ovulating. It seemed like they gave some attention to her desire to have a baby, but brushed over the possible infertility part. Claire's infertility is left in the background and made to be less of a big deal than it actually would be in real life.

Julie and Julia

The topic of the movie Julie and Julia (2009) is food and cooking, but infertility is something that subtly weaves its way through the plot. Julia Child and her husband were never able to have children (maybe partially due to age: she was in her late 30s by the time they married), but also never publicly discussed it. I am so glad that the movie included that part of her life in it though. Early in the movie, Julia Child and her husband Paul (played by Meryl Streep and Stanley Tucci) are passed by a woman pushing a baby in a carriage down the street. Julia looks down at the baby and her breath seems to catch in her throat as her face grows sad and her happy demeanor fades. Her husband kisses her hand, acknowledging the pain she feels. I love how this scene shows that something as small as passing a baby on the street can bring even the happiest woman down when the desire for a baby has never become a reality for her. Maybe this desire (or void she feels from lack of children) is partly what drove her to look for things to keep her busy in France. I can relate…instead of bridge club and cooking classes I took a mediation class and started blogging.

There is another short scene where Julia finds out that her sister is pregnant. She sits down as she reads the letter leading the audience to believe she is about to share bad news. Then she tells her husband standing beside her that her sister is pregnant. She says she is so happy for her as she stares out the window, then immediately buries her face in her husband’s chest and begins to quietly sob. This short scene brings tears to my eyes every time I see this movie. She knows she should be happy for her sister, but her own infertility makes it hard for her to feel anything but sadness. Her reaction is so real and perfectly played (I would expect nothing less from Meryl Streep). I love that they included this small moment in the movie. I have experienced the sting of a pregnancy announcement more times than I can count. It is nice to see a movie show what the experience of a pregnancy announcement can feel like for infertile couples.

Up

The Disney/Pixar film Up (2009) only briefly touches on infertility, but they do a good job sharing the emotions without saying a word. In the touching opening scene where we get to know Carl and Ellie, they show the happy couple seeing babies in the clouds and cheerily decorating a nursery. Then the music slows and we see the couple sitting in a doctor’s office, Carl standing behind a seated Ellie with his hands on her trembling shoulders as she sobs. She is clearly devastated over news of (I assume) losing a baby, being told she will never become pregnant or both. In the next scene Carl looks out the window at Ellie who is sitting in the yard staring at nothing, with a look of sadness. I like this scene because it makes their infertility news something that follows them home and becomes part of their life. They end up living out their life together childless and happy, working toward a dream they never accomplish before Ellie dies (although a spunky little boy named Russell later helps old man Carl accomplish their dream adventure). As sad as the short clip is, it also shows that a couple can live a good, happy life together filled with purpose and love, even without children. I still think with children, Carl would not have been so lost without Ellie. The relationship he develops with Russell reinforces that idea.

What To Expect When You’re Expecting

There are two couples with a history of infertility in the movie What to Expect When You're Expecting (2012): Wendy and Gary (played by Elizabeth Banks and Ben Falcone) and Holly and Alex (played by Jennifer Lopez and Rodrigo Santoro). Wendy and Gary have been trying to conceive for two years without any luck, but we never find out why (which is slightly annoying). The only thing we know they are doing about it for sure is tracking her cycles to time sex during ovulation.

Towards the beginning of the movie, they toast with glasses of wine-her first in two years- and Wendy remarks, “I think we should take a break from trying. If that doesn’t work we’ll do three rounds of IVF. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll just adopt.” Even though the scene is somewhat comical, the sentiment is real. With infertility there is no such thing as a break, unless a couple is using birth control or remaining abstinent during that break (which no couple who wants a baby is going to do without medical reason or hope for improving chances in the near future). Even when "taking a break" from treatments or trying, there is still a secret hope that a pregnancy will happen during that break (and if not, you try something else). Any couple who wants a baby that bad is always trying or hoping.

I HATE that they get pregnant after a drunken night of sex as soon as they “relax” and decide take a break because it is such a cliché. In real life that is not the way infertility works. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but it is very rare. It is probably even more rare that a couple becomes pregnant the same night they decide to take a break from “trying” or treatments.

I love Wendy's reaction to finding out she is pregnant. Wendy shows up at a public pool where Gary is swimming, waving 5 pregnancy tests in the air and shouting his name. She then jumps in the pool, fully clothed, laughing and screaming that they are pregnant. It’s a little over the top, but I love that she is so excited. After two years of trying I think over-the-top excitement is a realistic reaction. Some of her reactions later on were a little too much: like when she smashes a cell phone claiming that she needs to protect her little miracle.

Another thing I liked about the movie is how Wendy seems to have a miserable pregnancy and always looks uncomfortable and tired, but she doesn’t really complain. She views her baby as a miracle and she is not going to complain about anything relating to that miracle. Her only complaint is that her father-in-law’s young, supermodel wife has such an easy pregnancy and still looks so good (and she is having twins). Wendy never complains until the end when she breaks down and tells the honest truth of all the uncomfortable details to an audience at a seminar where she is speaking. She finally admits that pregnancy is not what she expected it to be. I think in real life a lot of women who have experienced infertility and then become pregnant feel like it is not okay for them to complain because they finally have the pregnancy they wanted for so long. I know I am going to try and suffer silently through any uncomfortableness I feel even though deep down I know it is okay to admit it if I am miserable.

The other couple, Holly and Alex, are preparing for a foreign adoption. They have a home visit by someone from the adoption agency then shortly after, get a call that a baby will be available sooner than expected so they buy a house. Holly and Alex get into an argument outside a bar one night after he learns that she has lost her primary photography job. The argument moves from money and the new house to the cost of infertility treatments. This is when we find out why they are adopting. She says she blames herself for their money troubles because she's the one who had bad eggs (which is a more common reason for infertility than most TV shows give) which is reason they had to spend their 401k money on IVF. Holly nails it when she says, “I am the one who can’t do the one thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do.” That is exactly how I feel sometimes.

Overall, I enjoyed this movie. It got pretty bad reviews, but I thought it was realistic enough for a comedy and had characters I could somewhat relate to. The real over-the-top moments are about the relationships and pregnancies, not the infertility or adoption stories. This movie could have been all about pregnancy, but I am glad that they wove some infertility stories into mix. As far as how it all ends, I like happy endings so I was glad everyone got their babies in the end (with the exception of a couple who got pregnant after a one night stand and then suffer a miscarriage early on).


There are also several popular television shows that have woven infertility into their story lines and I still have more to say about it. When I got the idea for this topic I never imagined what a beast it would become. Check back next week for my opinions on some of my favorite television shows that have tackled (or tried to tackle) the topic of infertility.

Shopping for Baby

Back in the beginning when I was so young and trying to get pregnant for the first time, I would buy baby clothes almost every time I walked into a store. At one point I had nearly half a closet full of tiny clothes handing beside my own. I had clothes for girls, boys and either in sizes ranging from newborn to 2T. Over the years I started to lose hope and gave many of the clothes to my sister for my first niece to wear. The rest I gave away at baby showers and visits to new mothers throughout the years. The last one I gave away was a pajama set with that came with a baby hat and a blanket with baby giraffes on them. I gave the set to my sister in law for my nephew when he was born two and a half years ago. The only item left from that time is a tiny yellow bathrobe with a duck on it...it was always my favorite so I held onto it.

In the last couple years I've started buying stuff again. I've also been accepting hand-me-downs from my sister and about a year ago my mom gave me a box of baby items she had saved for me (blankets that were mine as a baby, some little burp cloths and bibs she made herself and a few bottles). I have a peach and white afghan that my great grandma made for me to give my first baby. She died when I was a teenager, but gave the blanket to my mom years before to hold onto for me. I think she did the same for several of the other young great-grandchildren (all of the grandchildren already ha theirs).

Some of the items I purchased years ago have even come back to me now that my sister's two girls have outgrown them. My youngest sister recently gave me TEN diaper boxes packed full of little girl clothes in sizes from newborn to 2T (I decided since I have room to store them I may as well hold onto them in case we have a girl). I even have a convertible crib and teddy bear bedding that belonged to my older nieces and a nearly brand new playpen and car seat that were only used a few times before they were left in my dad's storage unit by his old roommate (as long as we have a baby in the next 5 years before the car seat expires...even then it will likely be fine since it will have been stored in a temperature controlled environment our of the sun).

In the past few years I have bought books of all kinds, and even some Baby Einstein CDs and DVDs when I found them on sale a year or two ago. I've collected Disney animated movies for years (because I love them) and have quite the selection (including the soundtracks for the classics). I even have a vintage Jungle Book poster and some stuffed animals that I thought would be good for a baby's room. I don't even consider the full toy closet stuff for a baby! Ryan and I have quite the collection of old toys of our own that our nieces and nephews play with when they come over that I am sure our own children will also enjoy someday.

I love looking at tiny baby clothes! I try to buy clothes for existing babies rather than future babies now; it seems like there is always a baby in the family (or one belonging to a close friend) in need if I see a darling outfit I just have to buy. I've decided that since I have no idea if we'll have a boy or a girl (or both) or what time of year it might be, I should wait. Sometimes I just can't resist though, so we do have a few clothing items, most of which would work for a girl or a boy. Most of my stuff fits in a Rubbermaid tub that has become so full I can no longer add to it.

My baby box unpacked

One clothing item in particular is meaningful to me. Not long after our first embryo transfer I was at Walmart and wandered past the baby department (accidentally...on purpose). I came home with white newborn pajamas with little yellow ducks all over them, a big duck face in the middle and tiny ones on the feet. When I got home I told Ryan I had bought something for our baby and pulled it out of the bag. I thought it would be a cute little outfit for our little one to wear home from the hospital and because it was yellow it would work for a boy or a girl. I hung it on the side of my dresser so every morning I would wake up and see it. It made me smile every time I looked at it.

About a week later we got our negative results and I packed away all of the baby stuff that had leaked into the house as well as all evidence of that cycle (like the medications that were out on the counter). I forgot about the little pajamas though. The first time I woke up and saw them still there I cried. But after a few days they started giving me hope. Once we talked to the doctor and had a new plan in place I was able to start focusing on the future again and the pain of that first cycle slowly faded. It still hurts to think back on the day we got the news and remember the details. But now I am able to look at those little pajamas every morning and imagine them on a little baby and instead of feeling a sense of loss, I have a feeling of hope. So I'm going to leave them there until I know for sure when they will be worn by our own son or daughter.

The baby pajamas I bought (the raggy thing above it is my teddy bear that I slept with every night as a child)

Right now all of this stuff is packed up and stored in the bedroom we thought we would use as a baby's room when we moved into this house two years ago. The room is a cluttered mess. All of the pictures we have no place for are leaning against the wall in there along with a few other random items and boxes, a spare dresser and my sewing desk. I have thought about setting up the crib and making it into a baby's room, but I'm scared it would just make me too sad to have a baby's room and no baby. Besides, at this point we don't even know for sure that we will still be living in this house by the time we have a baby. For now, I just don't see the point in cleaning it out until I am at least pregnant. I feel like I just need to do whatever I feel good about...if buying baby stuff makes me happy then what is what I will keep on doing.

A Birthday Party in Pictures

Yesterday was my younger sister Melissa's (29th) Birthday, so we got together today to celebrate! I fought through a yucky summer cold and prepped for the barbecue (including baking a cake) this morning while Ryan went fishing with a friend and our brother-in-law. Once everyone arrived, we grilled burgers and just hung out with the family (and Melissa's best friend from high school). It was a fun day! We had fun with the kids (as always)! Bailey (2) was my shadow for most of the day (and cute as ever) and everyone got a chance to cuddle new baby Dylan. The kids didn't want to leave, but every party must end sometime. 

I want to give a special thank you to Kenzie (9) who was a HUGE help: she helped me make frosting and finish the cake (and later placed and helped light the candles), then after we ate she helped load the dishwasher, dried the big dishes I hand washed and swept the kitchen floor and even offered to mop!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA!!!

I went out to show Brinlee (7) our garden and came back to find everyone sharing in technology time!

Endometriosis and Unexplained Infertility

We often get asked why we are what I like to call "Reproductively Challenged." (Almost as awkward of a question as whether or not we have kids just because of the long explanation I feel both questions require). Really we are not one hundred percent sure why, but it might partially be due to my having endometriosis. Endometriosis is common in women who have never had children and those in their 30s and 40s. 

I was diagnosed in my mid–twenties, but suspect that I have had it even longer than that-maybe even since I was a teen. I have always had symptoms: long periods and extremely painful menstrual cramps (so bad that I missed school and work sometimes) and pain between periods (likely around ovulation, but I did not know as much then as I do now). I found out I had cysts on my ovaries in my early twenties, which is another common symptom of endometriosis. The most common noticeable symptoms of Endometriosis are:

• Pain before and during periods 
• Painful Intercourse 
• Infertility 
• Fatigue 
• Painful urination and/or bowel movements during periods 
• Other gastrointestinal upsets such as diarrhea, constipation, nausea, etc. 

Every month hormones in a woman’s body cause the endometrium inside the uterus to thicken, then if a pregnancy does not occur the lining is shed during her period. With endometriosis, the hormones cause tissue to grow outside of the uterus, but there is no way for it to escape the body so instead it causes inflammation and scar tissue, which causes pain.

The rogue endometrial tissue can grow on the ovaries, the outside of the uterus, the lining of the pelvic cavity and the fallopian tubes (really it can grow anywhere in the body-brain, lungs, skin, etc.-but it is rare for it to grow in places not around the reproductive organs). Many women who cannot conceive find out they have endometriosis when it is discovered that their fallopian tubes are blocked with scar tissue. Sometimes a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), the test that allows doctors to see if there is a blockage by doing an x-ray while injecting dye into the uterus and through the fallopian tubes (painful), actually clears the blockage. I have several friends who have become pregnant shortly after having an HSG.

Doctors can assume you have endometriosis based on symptoms and the discovery of cysts when doing an ultrasound, but the only way to know for sure is for a doctor to perform a laparoscopy. A laparoscopy is a minor outpatient surgical procedure done under anesthesia where a doctor inflates the abdomen slightly with a gas and through a small incision inserts a small instrument with a light and a camera on the end in order to look around the inside the abdomen. This allows them to actually see the endometrial growth in most cases (sometimes they have to do a biopsy and look at the tissue under a microscope). In used to be common for women struggling to conceive to have a laparoscopy in order to check for endometriosis, but that is not the case today.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis at the age of 26 when I had a laparoscopy to remove what looked like bad ovarian cysts that were not getting better on their own. As it turned out, I had endometriosis so bad that one of my ovaries was actually twisted and stuck to the sidewall of my uterus. A laparoscopy is also the best treatment for the disease. Women with endometriosis have a higher chance of becoming pregnant within a year of having endometrial growths removed and scar tissue burned away during a laparoscopy.

The most common treatment is birth control pills. They usually will help keep the endometrial tissue from growing so rapidly, shorten periods and reduce pelvic pain. I was on birth control after my laparoscopy to slow the growth of my endometriosis. The problem with endometriosis is that every time I ovulate it gets worse. Birth control pills help keep it at bay, but when you are trying to get pregnant, birth control is not really an option (unless you do IVF…then it is part of the process!)

My current doctor did not recommend another laparoscopy because my fallopian tubes were clear, my cysts were not worrisome and all of our other tests came back normal. Besides that, it is nearly impossible to treat endometriosis with a laparoscopy without damaging some eggs. Even though large legions often need to be removed, smaller ones are generally better left in place. Our doctor thought that even though I have good ovarian reserve, that given my age and history, if I had the procedure it could potentially do damage (by depleting ovarian reserve) and it was still not likely we would get pregnant on our own.

Endometriosis has no cure, but pregnancy has been shown to temporarily halt the disease and in some cases symptoms are never as bad after pregnancy. It’s like a mean joke though: the one “cure” for the disease is the one thing the disease makes hard for you to achieve. It’s a cruel disease that doesn’t want to go away! Many women with endometriosis are able to get pregnant. It is hard to say just how many infertile couples are that way due to endometriosis because in the world of infertility endometriosis patients are diagnosed with “unexplained infertility” if they have good ovarian reserve, clear fallopian tubes, regular ovulation cycles and good results on a semen analysis. We had all of the above, so technically I have unexplained infertility.

As far as I’m concerned, “Unexplained Infertility” is the worst kind because there is no explanation. It just is what it is and that is a hard reality to accept. There isn’t something that can be regulated or fixed. I do not know why I don’t get pregnant and do not know if I ever will get pregnant. Every test has come back normal, every little minor issue has been fixed and everything that can improve my chances has been done, yet still pregnancy eludes us. It is so hard to feel like my body is broken, but not know how so I can fix it or change something. So we just keep trying, doing everything we can and hoping to get pregnant. I have heard stories of couples with unexplained infertility that never get pregnant and don't know why and I have heard stories of couples that get pregnant after giving up and nobody can explain why (maybe that's where God steps in). What we do know, is that IVF gives us our best chances so we will keep doing it until we achieve a pregnancy or can no longer continue emotionally or financially.

Finding Direction While Waiting

My adult life has not gone quite the way I planned. I thought after high school I would start college, meet a great guy my sophomore year, marry him right after graduation, travel for a couple years, then we would have our first baby. By the age of 25, I would be living happily ever after in a nice house with a perfect little family and blossoming career. Instead, at 25 I found myself divorced, single, working an hourly job, living with my dad (for the third time since high school) and trying to transfer my 50 or so completed credits from the Salt Lake Community College to the University of Utah. Less than a year later I met Ryan and started going to the U on student loans. My life finally seemed to be getting on track! Even if my goals were delayed, at least I was on my way to reaching them.

Then infertility struck (again, really) and suddenly I felt like my life was not moving forward. I had always wanted to go to school full time and just get it done, and Ryan and I were finally in a position where we could make that happen. I quit my job in August 2012 and became a full time student. Three long semesters later (fall 2012-summer 2013), I was finally graduating a few months before my 31st birthday. Graduating from college was a huge accomplishment of a lifelong goal, but as the end drew near, all of my friends were looking for jobs, I was left wondering, “Where do I go from here?”

Ryan and I had been trying to get pregnant for over two years and I thought by the time I finished college we would have a baby (or at the very least, I would be expecting). Instead we were getting ready to start IVF, but even that kept getting delayed to the point that I felt like our pregnancy plans were on hold too. I felt like my life was at a stand still and I felt lost. I struggled with my situation because it seemed like everyone around me had career plans in place or children they were raising (or both). I did not have either.

Although my having a job might have helped us save money, the schedule and stress of the strict routine that goes with IVF felt overwhelming. The days I would need off for appointments, procedures and bed rest and then hopefully maternity leave eventually, seemed like too much to ask of a new employer. In addition, I did not know what I wanted to do with the degree I had just earned. All of the careers I had previously dreamed of (like writing for those paper things people read before the internet or traveling the country reporting for an NFL team) no longer interested me or would conflict with my family goals. Although a career is important to me, being able to raise my own kids is more important.

The spring before my last semester of college (2013) I started seriously considering mediation as something I might want to do. I thought a mediator was the perfect combination of the first two degrees I considered pursuing, psychology and law (which it's really not, except for that it involves a lot of listening and is often an alternative to costly legal action) and it seemed like something that would put my communication degree to work. Most importantly, I felt like I could actually do something that would make a difference in people’s lives-especially if I could mediate divorces and family disputes to hopefully help parents make tough family situations easier on their children. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to figure out how to do it.

About a month later, I received an email from the University of Utah’s Communication Department about a Graduate Certificate Program in Conflict Resolution that the university was offering to graduates. The class fulfilled the state’s requirement for training hours and the even promised to help students take the steps to become a court-rostered mediator upon completion of the course. It was like a sign that this was what I was meant to do! I got everything I needed to apply together and started working on my application essay. I had everything turned in before the July deadline and figured if I got accepted then it was meant to be. I got my acceptance letter before summer semester was over. Even though I still didn't have any immediate career plans like most of my fellow graduates, I felt better knowing that I was working towards something. Part of me wasn't ready to say goodbye to college just yet. I knew I my education wasn't complete and I felt so good about my decision to take this course.

Once the class started in the fall of 2013, I discovered whole new reason to feel inferior. On the first day of class, and throughout the year whenever we had a guest speaker, everyone in the class would introduce themselves explaining what they did for a living and how they planned to use what they learned in the course or what they planned to do when it was over. I never knew what to say. I had always worked, except for the time I was a full time student. I felt like a spoiled brat because I did not have a job and I could not give a good reason for my lack of employment. I felt like people would think I was hiding out, taking more classes to delay the job hunt. At this point, I was not completely comfortable with sharing our infertility story. Besides one stay-at-home mom, I think that I was the only one in the class who was not employed. Even the select few students accepted to the program who were still wrapping up their senior years had jobs in addition to a full class schedule. There were even several doctors and a lawyer taking the class and here I was: a 31-year-old college graduate with no kids and no job. I always breezed through the employment part of the introduction and then talked about my desire to become a full-time mediator.

I feel caught off guard quite often in life-whenever anyone asks what I do, I am never sure what to say other than “Nothing.” That sounds pathetic: I do nothing. Then I feel the need to tell my whole story about infertility and IVF as a kind of excuse for doing nothing. A month or so before I graduated from the program I started to say, “My husband and I own a business.” I guess it is kind of true…my husband owns his own business and I am married to him, so through marriage I sort of have somewhat of a stake in the business, but I don’t work for him or anything. Overall I just feel awkward any time anyone asks what it is that I do. Since opening up about infertility and IVF it has gotten easier because I don't get questions about what I do or what I am going to do (now that I've graduated) quite so often.

Now that I am actually mediating, I still want to be a mediator. I am so glad I took that class; I really enjoyed it and learned so much! I would recommend it to anyone. I took it to become a mediator, but the skills I learned are helpful in any relationship: spousal, parent-child, business, neighbor, etc. I really do use the skills I learned in all areas of my life and will always use them personally even if I do not always practice professionally. I also met some really great people and made some new friends. By the end of the course I think the entire class knew I was doing IVF and I had so many people cheering me on and even a few who shared their own stories.

At the Graduation Ceremony and Dinner, April 24, 2014 (I was even voted "Best Evaluative Mediator" by classmates!)

In the last month things have been going really well. I have been working hard to complete my observation and volunteer hours (20 in all) to get on the court roster so I can get some work. I am a mediator already, but cannot mediate court-mandated cases until I am on the court roster. To get my hours I have been spending several days a week (1-3) volunteering at justice courts, all over Utah County and in Sandy, mediating small claims cases. I often spend 4+ hours hoping to get at least an hour of actual mediation experience. It is a slow process, but it makes me feel like I am making some progress. Once I get on the court roster I still have another class on divorce and a mentorship to complete before I can mediate court ordered divorce cases, but I can mediate pretty much anything else.

I really enjoy helping people come together and negotiate an agreement they can both live with. When two parties come to an agreement in mediation it is such a rush and such a great feeling of accomplishment knowing I helped them through the process. Mediation really is such a good alternative to court, where one party will win and the other will lose. In mediation people compromise and come up with creative solutions so nobody has to lose. I love being part of that process. Not every case comes to an agreement, but that is okay too and I think that is a helpful lesson to me that I cannot control every situation. Even though I can control the process of mediation, I cannot control the outcome (just like with IVF).

Having a career path has also makes me feel less lost in life. I feel like while we work through infertility waiting for good news, I have something to pursue. It makes all the waiting easier because I have something to do while I wait. During the second week of my two-week wait of my last cycle I went to court in three different cities and spent several days mediating and hearing cases. I feel like even if I am struggling to accomplish my family goals, I am accomplishing my career goal and putting my communication degree and conflict resolution certificate to good use. In addition to be fulfilling work (most of the time) it is a job where I can set my own schedule and work as little or as much as I want (as long as there is work). This means it will be a job I can easily work around my family life. I can still be a stay-at-home mom (which is what I want), but I can also have a career and my own (hopefully) successful business!

One last thing...I owe Ryan a big THANK YOU for supporting me through the year of training and now in my pursuit of this career!! He always has my back!

A Thank You to the Fathers in My Life

I do not know what Father's Day is like for men who are going through infertility or dealing with it with their wives, but I imagine the day carries the same sadness for them as Mother's Day does for me. Ryan loves to spend time with his father and I know that relationship is part of the reason he wants to have his own children so bad. Ryan's dad has been such a great influence on his life. As a child, Ryan has always told me that he used to watch his dad leave for work every morning in a suit, clean-shaven with his hair done, and think, "I want to be like him someday." I think much of his success today can be attributed to his dad's example of what a hard working father is.

Some of Ryan's favorite memories as a teen revolve around his Mustangs. Ryan and his dad both love fast cars and bought several Ford Mustangs that they worked on together when Ryan was a teen. Last year for Father's Day Ryan surprised his dad by taking him to a racetrack in Las Vegas where they both got to drive Ferrari racecars. That is something neither of them will ever forget and I know Ryan is itching to do again!

Ryan also shares the spontaneous tendencies of his father (which I am sure everyone has seen in our last minute vacation plans). Ryan does things in a big way with little to no planning just like his Dad. He has told me stories of his dad taking him out of school to "go for a drive" and ending up in Louisiana or Mexico (they lived in Texas so it's not as far as it sounds). Ryan's dad is such a fun grandpa and all of his grandchildren just adore him. I think sometimes it is hard for Ryan to see his dad with our nieces and nephews because he wishes we had kids who were old enough to be sharing in those experiences. He wants our children to be able to hang out with their grandpa and experience the fun of his spontaneity and energy. Sometimes we feel so rushed because our dads are still young enough to get down on the floor and wrestle with their grandkids right now and we know that the longer it takes us to have children the older our dads are going to be when our kids are old enough to play like that.

To me, it seems that on Father's Day more people focus on their own fathers and grandfathers rather than on their role as fathers, which makes social media a little easier to face (compared to Mother's Day where the focus seems to be more on children). I too am so grateful for my own father. I have always been a daddy's girl for as long as I can remember. As a child, even though my dad could get so mad, he was also the one person who could make me laugh when I was so mad. The worst was the "tear cup," which was a medicine cup he would grab from the cupboard every time I cried to try and catch my tears. It used to make me SO MAD, but I could not keep a straight face with my dad talking all goofy and holding a little plastic cup to my cheek trying to catch a tear.

My dad and I share so many common interests and are very much alike in many ways (we are both nerds for one), so it is no wonder we have always been so close. I remember when I was a kid one of my favorite things to do was go to movies with my dad. In fact, the promise of a movie with dad was about the only way my parents could get me to clean my room in a timely manner (I admit that sometimes it got a little crowded in the closet and under the bed because I had to find a way to hide things fast). I went to movies with just my dad and sometimes even got to go along to late movies with him and his college buddies. I did not even always care to see the movies we went to. I remember seeing a Star Trek movie in particular (Star Trek IV maybe?) that I only wanted to go to because it was a late movie in the theater with dad.

 Another interest I had in common with my dad was writing. I have always loved to write poetry and even made my dad a whole book of poems for his birthday one year. He is a technical writer, but has written many poems and some fiction for fun. When I was around 8 years old we wrote a children's book together about a day in the park that he had me illustrate. He even tried to get it published, but turned down an opportunity because they did not want to use my original illustrations in the final work. My dad has also always pushed me to succeed and been there to help me whenever I needed words of encouragement or a paper edited. I love the feeling of telling him when I do well at something because hearing him tell me how proud he is always makes my accomplishments feel that much better.

My dad has also always been there to catch me when I fall. I have moved back in with him twice in my adult life when things took a bad turn and I had no one else to go to. The first time was after my divorce when I was 23 and the second time was when I needed a way out of a bad relationship. My dad offered to let me live with him free of charge if I would move out of the apartment I shared with a boyfriend and go back to college. It was the opportunity I needed to leave the relationship and better my life. A year later I met Ryan. My dad was always a good judge of character as well. I think Ryan was the first guy I ever dated that he actually liked. Of course he never told me how much he disliked any of my other boyfriends until after we broke up because he knows me well enough to know I would not have listened. I love that Ryan and my dad have the relationship they do and love and respect each other the way they do.

Besides my dad, I have also been blessed with two wonderful grandpas. My Grandpa Bill will be in town for his 80th birthday next month. Some of my best memories with him are from when I was nine years old and stayed with him and his wife for a month while I learned to ride her horse. Even though I was there for the horseback riding lessons, my favorite days were the days I went to work with my grandpa. He collected cable boxes for Cox Cable and drove around to homes and businesses all day. I loved just riding around in his truck with him. He always had Care Free bubble gum in the truck and the smell of bubble gum still reminds me of him He would take me to McDonald's (or anywhere I wanted) for lunch and he let me order anything I wanted.

My Grandpa Bill has always liked to tease and I remember not knowing how to react sometimes because I did not know if he was joking or serious. At stores he would flirt with the cashiers and ask me why I was calling him grandpa, saying to call him uncle because he was too young to be a grandpa. The cashiers would help me tease him back and laugh when I exclaimed, "You're not my uncle, you're my grandpa!" He still calls me every year on my birthday and adds 10 years to my age. I keep telling him to stop wishing my life away because it just makes him older too. He also still sometimes calls me Carlot. He called me that ALL THE TIME as a child, in fact sometimes I wondered if he actually knew my real name (which clearly he did...I was named after my grandma, his late wife). I wish I got to see him more and I am so excited to help throw him a birthday party-the first birthday party he has ever had-next month.

Growing up, my mom, my sisters and I used to spend two to three weeks every summer staying with my grandma and grandpa at their house in Idaho Falls. This grandpa was always very quiet and a good example of love and faith. I remember seeing him sit on the couch in the living room reading his scriptures or hearing him say the prayer before family dinner. I never saw him lose his temper or get mad and he loved my grandma more than anything-even when she would get mad. Sometimes he would go upstairs to his bedroom to get away from all the girls (grandma, mom, aunts, sisters and me) and watch a game by himself. That was the only time I ever heard him raise his voice: to yell at the TV when his football team was losing. Sometimes he would just go out front and sit in a chair in the driveway enjoying the quiet.

My favorite memory of my grandpa is his reaction to me and any other family members arriving at his house. I can still see their living room full of people (all women, unless my aunts' husband were there). My grandpa was always the first to jump up from the couch, big smile and his face, and greet me with a happy chuckle as he pulled me into a tight hug. His greeting would always make me think I should visit more. He always made me feel so welcome. I don't quite know how to describe our relationship other than just comfortable; I always felt so content just hanging out with him. He was an easy person to get along with and a good listener. He was always such a happy man and I will never forget the sound of his laugh or the way his eyes lit up when he saw me. He was a very hard working family man too. My mom has always been close to him and still calls him "daddy" when she talks about him. Even as an adult she always turned to him for advice any time she had a problem. I know losing him has been hard on her, my aunts and especially my grandma. It has definitely made me realize just how much a father really holds his family together and makes it complete.

In marrying Ryan I gained an amazing father-in-law, Lamar. He accepted me into their family from the beginning and made me feel like another daughter. I will never have the same relationship with him that his own daughters do, just like nobody will ever know my dad the way my sisters and I do, but I am happy to have him as a second dad just the same. I admire the relationship he has with Ryan's mom and love seeing the way they take care of each other. I think the thing I appreciate most is the way he supports Ryan. I love listening to the two of them talk and I know that Lamar is so proud of Ryan. I love that Ryan still needs his dad and that Lamar is always wiling to listen and give advice.

Lamar is so supportive of our relationship and accomplishments together and apart. He even drove up from St. George just to attend my college graduation and gave me the money to buy my class ring as a gift. On one trip to visit Ryan's parents in St. George, his dad took me on a Harley ride we took out to the Arizona border one day. We talked the whole time, I can't remember what we talked about, but it was still special. Two years ago on a visit we watched "It's A Wonderful Life" on TV on Christmas Eve while Ryan and his mom wrapped gifts upstairs. In my family that was always a tradition to watch that movie on Christmas Eve, so it was nice to be able to do that even though I was not with my family. Since it was on TV, we even had commercial breaks to talk. One thing he has done a few times that I love, is that he will ask me if there is anything he needs to have a father-son talk with Ryan about. I think it's his way of asking if anything is going rough, but I love that he opens the conversation up for me to let him know when Ryan is struggling in any areas of his life. Ryan tends to tell his dad when things are going well, but I think his dad would love to hear when he is struggling as well so he can have the opportunity to help him.

I am lucky to have so many great fathers and grandfathers in my life. They are all such great examples of support and love. My dad always used to tell me "Remember who you are" before I left to go out with friends. I thought it was so silly, but it stuck with me and sometimes thinking about those words helped me make better decisions. I know now that my dad is part of who I am today and for that I am thankful. I know Ryan and I have learned so much from our fathers and we are going to be better parents because of it. Even though we do not have children yet, Ryan is the head of our family and my rock. I don't know what I would do without him. I am so thankful for Ryan's father and grandfather's because their influence is a large part of who Ryan is today. I cannot wait to see Ryan hold our own baby in his arms someday.

A New Calendar, Two Embryos and Twins

We talked to the IVF nurses and got on the schedule for our next embryo transfer. I will start birth control pills in a couple of days then Lupron (tummy injections) on July 13th. I will have to get another endometrial biopsy the week I start Lupron, then our embryo transfer will take place on August 11.

Calendar for IVF cycle # 3

After talking to our doctor earlier this week, we knew it would be 6-8 weeks out, but we were hoping we would only have to wait 6 weeks. Considering we have been at this for almost a year now, 8 weeks really isn't too bad. With the help of some friends I have come up with some reasons to look on the bright side of getting pregnant (hopefully) in August:

1. I will be hormone free (except for birth control) for the next month.
2. I have the rest of the summer to have fun while I feel good.
3. I should be over the morning sickness portion of the pregnancy in time for the holidays.
4. Getting pregnant in August would mean an April/May baby (or babies), and spring is a lovely season.
5. I would be at my fattest when it is still relatively cool outside and would have the baby (or babies) before summer (in other words, before it gets too hot).
6. We will not be bringing a baby home in the middle of RSV, cold and flu season.
7. Summer birthday parties are so much fun (double the fun if we end up with twins)!

Really, getting pregnant in August would be pretty great. Getting pregnant ANY time would be pretty great!

 

The Embryos 

The main reasons an embryo does not implant are problems with the uterus and problems with the embryo. Our doctor said that we know my uterus is good (thanks to the recent procedures) so likely it is just a matter of getting the right embryo. An embryo will not implant for the same reason a miscarriage occurs: there is some sort of chromosomal abnormality with the embryo. An embryo can be excellent quality and look perfect under the microscope, but that does not mean there is not something wrong with it.  Our doctor said sometimes it is just a matter of trying until you get just the right embryo.

We have 5 good quality embryos left. One is a 5-day blastocyst and the other four are 6-day blastocysts (meaning that they took an extra day to make it to the blastocyst stage). Studies have shown that 6-day blastocysts have about a 10% lower chance of resulting in a live birth than a 5-day. Our embryos are also of different grades. The embryos are graded on a scale of 1 to 6 (I think). Our 5-day embryo is a B2- (B is for blastocyst), two of the 6-days are B2- and the other two are B3. Our doctor said that a 2 is near perfect (both of our previously transferred embryos were 5-day B2) and the difference between a 2 and a 2- is ever so slight. A perfect blastocyst would be a B1, but those are very rare; so rare that our doctor has not seen a single one in the two years he has been with the clinic. Basically when it comes to a thawed frozen embryo, a 2 is about as good as it gets.

 

Twins

We are definitely doing TWO embryos this time. The only decision we have left to make is which two. We are planning to use our last 5-day embryo for sure but need to decide if we want to use it with a 6-day 2- or 3. Using our 5-day B2- with a 6-day B2-, our chance of twins would be about 30-35%, with the 6-day B3 it would be about 25-30%. We have decided we are fine with the possibility of twins 5% or 10% difference in our chances of getting twins is not an issue. The decision as to which embryos to use depends on what we want to have left to try again if needed or keep on ice for pregnancy/baby #2 someday.

When I was younger I wanted twins. Then I grew up and had several friends give birth to twins (and friends who had singletons)...suddenly twins looked like a lot of work. The more I think about it though, the more I think it would not be so bad. One of my friends said that it was just normal for her because she did not know any different (she had not had any children before the twins). I think twins for our first time around would be the way to do it. For a second pregnancy, after already knowing what it was like to have a singleton, twins would probably seem much more overwhelming.

In reading up on twins I discovered there are several different kinds (and not all of them are nice). I have always known about Fraternal (2 eggs develop into 2 embryos) and Identical twins (1 embryo splits into two), but a few others are Mirror twins (which look identical, but with opposite features), Parasitic twins (where one twin acts as a parasite to the other, sometimes even absorbing their own twin) and Vanishing twins (where one twin fails to develop and disintegrates-or vanishes). In reading about IVF pregnancies I have found that vanishing twins are actually pretty common. I think they are viewed as more common in IVF cases just because pregnancy is detected so early and IVF patients usually get earlier ultrasounds than those who conceive naturally, so they know they are pregnant with twins before one of them vanishes. There are also three different ways identical twins develop.

• Dichorionic/Diamniotic: each twin has own placenta, chorion and amniotic sac
• Monochorionic/Diamniotic: twins share placenta and chorionic sac but have own amniotic sac
• Monoamniotic/Monochorionic: twins share placenta, chorionic and amniotic sac

Which type of twin depends on how late in the pregnancy the embryo splits; the later the split the more they are likely to share things. For example Conjoined (Siamese) twins are a result of a really late split, where they don't fully separate. With monoamniotic/monochorionic twins there is a greater risk of complications. About HALF of these types of twins die because their umbilical cords become entangled during the pregnancy, which can cut off blood supply to one or both of them.

Which brings me to my fear in transferring two embryos: Doing IVF already puts us at a higher risk of the embryo splitting into two, meaning twins. The risk of it splitting more than once (triplets) is VERY rare. But with two embryos, if just one of them splits then we could end up with TRIPLETS-which would be odd because two of them would be identical. Even scarier is the risk that they would both split and we would end up with TWO sets of identical twins-QUADRUPLETS! Either of these scenarios happening would be very rare though because really there is only around a 30% chance that both embryos will even implant to begin with, but I can't help but freak myself out. Since I am trying to keep looking on the bright side, one advantage to having triplets or quadruplets (or maybe even twins) would be that we would get all of out kids in one shot, which would mean we would not have to worry about trying to get me pregnant again!

Retail Therapy, A New Baby & A New Plan

I woke up yesterday ready to spend the day at the hospital with my sister Kim and her new baby. Plans changed though. She was scheduled to be induced that day, but the hospital kept delaying her coming in. Our other sister, Melissa, had spent the night at her house, planning on going to the hospital with her first thing in the morning. While they waited for the call, my 7-year-old niece, Brinlee was keeping my grandma company at my mom's house and her 9-year-old sister Kenzie was home with her dad.

When I found out my mom was planning to pick Kenzie up before her dad went to work at 1:00, I offered to go get her instead. My sister had mentioned previously that Kenzie was in desperate need of summer clothes and money has been tight. Shopping usually makes me feel better. Shopping lately, with the weight I have gained from the hormones I've been taking over the better part of the last year, is not so much fun. So I decided to introduce my niece to "Retail Therapy."

First we had lunch at Chili's with Ryan, then we started our day of shopping. We went to Justice, Kohl's, Nordstrom Rack and Old Navy. I taught her the art of shopping the clearance racks: find something you like, decide how much you would pay for it, look at the price and keep it if it is less than you guessed, or put it back if it is more...unless you REALLY like it, then you carry it around and think about it some more. She picked up on the method in no time! I also taught her to always take LOTS of clothes into the dressing room because once you try them on, you'll put half of them back. She tried on a ton of stuff and ended up making out pretty good. 

She got 3 pairs of flip flops, 2 dresses, 3 pairs of shorts and 12 shirts in all. We even picked out some shirts for her little sister, who isn't in need of much, thanks to hand-me-downs. The most expensive item she picked was $12.00, the least expensive item was $2.00. If you know me, you know I LOVE a deal; our best deal was at Justice (I had never been there before) where everything in the entire store was 40% off and clearance items were another 40% off on top of that! She got two $30.00 shirts for $5.00 or less each. It was so fun! She was so grateful too-I'm so proud to have such a sweet niece. It made me feel good to have the time with her to do something special and help my sister out. I even made her pose with her shopping bags in front of each store so we could document our shopping adventure. Shopping always cheers me up, so it was a perfect way to transition from the sad news of our negative pregnancy test on Sunday to the happy event of a new baby Monday.

My little protege!

Just before we left our last store we got the call that my sister's doctor was finally going to break her water. We went to my house and went through everything she got, then packed it all back up and left once Ryan got there. We stopped and picked up my brother-in-law at work (Kenzie's dad) and headed out to the hospital in Provo. We timed it perfectly, arriving 15 minutes after baby Dylan David (David after my dad) was born. My mom, grandma and Brinlee had been there for a few hours and little Bailey had spent the entire afternoon at the hospital waiting for her little brother to arrive (she was a little grumpy, but still adorable as ever). Luckily the delivery room was fairly large! We passed little Dylan around, each taking a short turn holding him, before they took him to the nursery (with his dad) for shots and a bath and cleaned my sister up to take her down to the new mommy floor.

My mom and grandma left, but Ryan and I and Melissa and her family waited alongside Kim's in-laws for Kim to come down from labor and delivery. After what seemed like forever, Kim, her husband and their new baby all made to the room Kim would call home for the next two days. We did not stay long after that. Even though it seemed like we only got a very brief time with the new baby, we still didn't get home until around 9:00. I wish I could have cuddled the new baby a little longer, but keeping it short probably saved me from getting too emotional. I still looked at my sister wishing it was me spending the night in the hospital with my own new baby.

Dylan David, born 6:30 pm June 9, 7 lbs. 5 oz.

 Just before we went to bed, Ryan received a text message from a friend telling us to look on the front porch. I was delighted to find a yellow watering can full of sunflowers that our friends Nate and Mel had left for us on the patio table. It was so pretty and so sweet of them! They also left a note extending their sympathies for our failed cycle and hope for the next one. It was so kind and thoughtful of them. I smile every time I look at the flowers on the kitchen counter.

Today we talked to our doctor and found out what our next step is. I will start taking birth control in a few days and the rest will depend on when I get on the calendar for our embryo transfer (we should have dates tomorrow). The next step will be an endometrial biopsy (which I am dreading) then I will start Lupron a week after that followed by estrogen a week and a half later and progesterone injections the week before the embryo transfer. Our transfer will likely be about 6-8 weeks from now (which means late July or early August).

We also reviewed the quality of our remaining embryos and told our doctor we do want to transfer two this time (which will definitely increase our chance of twins, but we are okay with that). Now we just have to decide which two because they are not all of the same quality.  I just hope everything goes smoothly and there are not any delays this time. It still seems so far away! But I have waited this long, so I what's another two months? I still feel a little helpless for the moment. Waiting is the hardest part and there seems to be so much of it.