The day before our pregnancy test for our first IVF cycle, I woke up and started freaking out a little. For the entire two week wait I had been so sure it worked, but then the day before we found out I started to get scared. This time around I have felt much more skeptical.
The good thing about that is the two week wait has not been quite so nerve racking, but I don't really know what exactly changed. I have been Googling things much less often this time around. With our first cycle I spent hours online looking up early pregnancy symptoms and any little tinge of anything I felt-anything to give me any sort of sign that I might be feeling something that means I am pregnant. I looked up SO MUCH that I started finding the same things I had already read. This time around I decided to keep track of my Internet searches. I did not spend much time at all doing Google searches this time around. In two weeks I looked up the following:
- Frozen Embryo Transfer Success Rates
- Twins: how soon an embryo splits, Identical twins, vanishing twins
- Do tight clothes hinder implantation <no they don't>
- Cramping: 1, 5, 8 and 10 days post transfer (I looked this up a few times)
- Slight sharp pains in lower right abdomen <normal after IVF>
- Increased appetite and early pregnancy
- Heightened sense of smell in early pregnancy
- How to calculate your due date with IVF <I would be due February 11, 2015>
I have not had any early symptoms really this time. In fact I feel almost completely normal. Last time I think all my "pregnancy symptoms" I felt were either a result of egg retrieval hormones or me wanting to be pregnant so badly that I tricked myself into feeling things that weren't really there. This cycle I have experienced mild cramping off and on every day throughout the entire two weeks. It is common for the first few days after transfer and in early stages of pregnancy as the uterus changes. It could also be part of the healing process from the endometrial biopsy or that my period is trying to come (but won't until I stop the progesterone injections). I do not know if my appetite has truly increased or if I have just been paying more attention (speaking of which, I am feeling a little hungry!) And have I been peeing more or just drinking more water?
I did feel like I could smell EVERYTHING the other day (a blanket on the couch that Saisha had laid on the night before that smelled like dog from the other side of the couch, the overwhelming smell of my new conditioner, the scent of my body wash on my skin hours after showering, the smell of grass outside when the swamp cooler was running), but my allergies have been so awful the last few weeks, that I think maybe they cleared up a little that day and I was able to smell again. It's gone now...I can't smell anything. Allergies suck!
I am definitely less confident this cycle. Maybe that is because of the extreme disappointment I felt last time; maybe I am subconsciously trying to protect myself from feeling that pain again if the test tomorrow is negative. Maybe I am just being more realistic this time, taking each day as it comes and not worrying about starting over if that is what we have to do-after all, the frozen embryo transfer is a piece of cake compared to the fresh transfer after egg retrieval we did in February and all the hormones that were involved in that. At the same time, starting over still feels overwhelming. If our test is positive I only have 6 more weeks of progesterone injections. If it is negative I have to start all over with birth control, and Lupron, then estrogen pills and progesterone injections.
I think I have even surprised people this time when they ask about our cycle. A few we have been asked if we transferred one or two embryos and Ryan and I both are quick to reply that we only transferred one this time, but we plan on doing two next time (which actually freaks me out a little because if that doesn't take we would be down to our last 3 embryos). When we say this friends always look at us surprised and say something like "you mean IF there's a next time!" I don't know why I am already planning our third cycle when we don't even know if our second cycle worked or not yet! I guess maybe it will make it easier to start over if we need to.
I almost feel guilty for having so little faith in this cycle. I am still hopeful that I will get pregnant, but I just really feel like the third try is going to be the lucky one. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow when we get the results. A positive would be a wonderful surprise. At the same time, we have set aside the whole day to be alone if we get another disappointment (I will need it to prepare myself for the birth of my new nephew who is coming into this world on Monday). If the results are negative we will need to pick up some good takeout for dinner. If they are positive I'm going to make Ryan take me out to dinner to celebrate! No matter what, for the next 36 hours or so, Ryan and I plan on just being alone together.
We go in tomorrow morning at 9 am to take the blood test and should have the results by noon. Just so we have time to tell our families and process whatever news we get, I will do a blog post tomorrow night. I think it will make it easier to notify all our friends at the same time through social media so if we get bad news we can grieve at home and not have to call or text a bunch of people. (Although if it is happy news I can guarantee we'll be excitedly calling several of you right away!) So anyone who wants to know how this turns out, make sure to check back here or look on Ryan or my Facebook pages tomorrow night. Until then keep crossing your fingers and toes, sending good vibes, energy and thoughts our way and praying for us! Here's hoping for the best!
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