IVF Cycle #2 Results

Another negative. I'm not as upset this time, I just feel really down and...tired. Last time I was devastated, this time I just feel disappointed and a little lost. I don't understand why it doesn't work. I feel like we've done everything we can and it still just doesn't work out for us. What more can we do?!

We arrived at the clinic around 9:30 this morning for the blood draw. They said they should have the results processed around 11 or 11:30 and to expect a call around noon. We decided to try and kill some time to relieve our anxiety while we waited.

I had Ryan drive by the house I lived in as a child and my junior high and elementary school. It was a nice little nostalgic tour of Sugarhouse. Then we went to Market Street Grill in Cottonwood Heights and had brunch on the patio overlooking the creek. It was a beautiful setting: clear skies, green trees, the mountains in the distance and the sound of the water rushing down the creek. And delicious food.

I had Eggs Benedict with a Maryland Crab Cake and Ryan had a Seafood Omelette

 We talked about going downtown or to Park City, but decided to just go home and wait for the call instead and then decide what to do for the rest of the day. We got the car washed and stopped at AutoZone for a couple things. In the car we agreed that no matter what news we got we would still have a good day; an easy promise to make while still waiting for a phone call with potentially life changing news.

Minutes before we pulled into the driveway, just before noon, Ryan's phone rang. I answered it on speaker so we could both listen. The nurse on the line sounded nice as she introduced herself and asked how we were. Then she said, "Unfortunately I'm not calling with good news." My heart sank. It was news I had somewhat expected, but I had still held onto that little bit of hope that maybe this time would be different, maybe this time we would get good news. Instead, we learned that our lives would not be changing today.

Once home, neither of us felt like doing anything. So here we sit, silently on the porch together. I write, while he reads articles on his phone. We just don't have much to say out loud right now. I feel empty, numb. Strangely, I haven't cried yet. I feel drained and defeated. I don't know what to do now. I want to sleep the day away and start fresh tomorrow.

I want tomorrow to come so we can figure out what the next step is and how soon we can try again. It feels overwhelming to think of starting over with medications and injections and ultrasounds. I wonder if the doctor will want to do another sonohysterogram or endometrial biopsy, both painful procedures I was hoping I was done with. Anything is better than just standing still, wondering what to do next. Having a plan in place makes me feel better. A plan with an end goal makes me feel like I'm making progress, moving forward towards something, rather than just standing still, waiting.