Shopping for Baby

Back in the beginning when I was so young and trying to get pregnant for the first time, I would buy baby clothes almost every time I walked into a store. At one point I had nearly half a closet full of tiny clothes handing beside my own. I had clothes for girls, boys and either in sizes ranging from newborn to 2T. Over the years I started to lose hope and gave many of the clothes to my sister for my first niece to wear. The rest I gave away at baby showers and visits to new mothers throughout the years. The last one I gave away was a pajama set with that came with a baby hat and a blanket with baby giraffes on them. I gave the set to my sister in law for my nephew when he was born two and a half years ago. The only item left from that time is a tiny yellow bathrobe with a duck on it...it was always my favorite so I held onto it.

In the last couple years I've started buying stuff again. I've also been accepting hand-me-downs from my sister and about a year ago my mom gave me a box of baby items she had saved for me (blankets that were mine as a baby, some little burp cloths and bibs she made herself and a few bottles). I have a peach and white afghan that my great grandma made for me to give my first baby. She died when I was a teenager, but gave the blanket to my mom years before to hold onto for me. I think she did the same for several of the other young great-grandchildren (all of the grandchildren already ha theirs).

Some of the items I purchased years ago have even come back to me now that my sister's two girls have outgrown them. My youngest sister recently gave me TEN diaper boxes packed full of little girl clothes in sizes from newborn to 2T (I decided since I have room to store them I may as well hold onto them in case we have a girl). I even have a convertible crib and teddy bear bedding that belonged to my older nieces and a nearly brand new playpen and car seat that were only used a few times before they were left in my dad's storage unit by his old roommate (as long as we have a baby in the next 5 years before the car seat expires...even then it will likely be fine since it will have been stored in a temperature controlled environment our of the sun).

In the past few years I have bought books of all kinds, and even some Baby Einstein CDs and DVDs when I found them on sale a year or two ago. I've collected Disney animated movies for years (because I love them) and have quite the selection (including the soundtracks for the classics). I even have a vintage Jungle Book poster and some stuffed animals that I thought would be good for a baby's room. I don't even consider the full toy closet stuff for a baby! Ryan and I have quite the collection of old toys of our own that our nieces and nephews play with when they come over that I am sure our own children will also enjoy someday.

I love looking at tiny baby clothes! I try to buy clothes for existing babies rather than future babies now; it seems like there is always a baby in the family (or one belonging to a close friend) in need if I see a darling outfit I just have to buy. I've decided that since I have no idea if we'll have a boy or a girl (or both) or what time of year it might be, I should wait. Sometimes I just can't resist though, so we do have a few clothing items, most of which would work for a girl or a boy. Most of my stuff fits in a Rubbermaid tub that has become so full I can no longer add to it.

My baby box unpacked

One clothing item in particular is meaningful to me. Not long after our first embryo transfer I was at Walmart and wandered past the baby department (accidentally...on purpose). I came home with white newborn pajamas with little yellow ducks all over them, a big duck face in the middle and tiny ones on the feet. When I got home I told Ryan I had bought something for our baby and pulled it out of the bag. I thought it would be a cute little outfit for our little one to wear home from the hospital and because it was yellow it would work for a boy or a girl. I hung it on the side of my dresser so every morning I would wake up and see it. It made me smile every time I looked at it.

About a week later we got our negative results and I packed away all of the baby stuff that had leaked into the house as well as all evidence of that cycle (like the medications that were out on the counter). I forgot about the little pajamas though. The first time I woke up and saw them still there I cried. But after a few days they started giving me hope. Once we talked to the doctor and had a new plan in place I was able to start focusing on the future again and the pain of that first cycle slowly faded. It still hurts to think back on the day we got the news and remember the details. But now I am able to look at those little pajamas every morning and imagine them on a little baby and instead of feeling a sense of loss, I have a feeling of hope. So I'm going to leave them there until I know for sure when they will be worn by our own son or daughter.

The baby pajamas I bought (the raggy thing above it is my teddy bear that I slept with every night as a child)

Right now all of this stuff is packed up and stored in the bedroom we thought we would use as a baby's room when we moved into this house two years ago. The room is a cluttered mess. All of the pictures we have no place for are leaning against the wall in there along with a few other random items and boxes, a spare dresser and my sewing desk. I have thought about setting up the crib and making it into a baby's room, but I'm scared it would just make me too sad to have a baby's room and no baby. Besides, at this point we don't even know for sure that we will still be living in this house by the time we have a baby. For now, I just don't see the point in cleaning it out until I am at least pregnant. I feel like I just need to do whatever I feel good about...if buying baby stuff makes me happy then what is what I will keep on doing.