I don't think most people realize just how hard it is to get pregnant. The average woman only has a 25% chance of getting pregnant each month and the time when conception can actually occur is only about a 36 hour window each month. Until I started actively trying to become pregnant (tracking my cycles and using ovulation prediction kits) I thought that you could get pregnant any time of the month (although, since you have no idea when ovulation will occur, I guess you kinda could). There is no set time between your period and ovulation (all women's cycles vary), but your period will almost always come 13-14 days after ovulation occurs. Learning all of this, I was amazed that ANYONE could just get pregnant without making some kind of an effort to time it just right!
I think that the worst part of the Two Week Wait for me was not knowing if what I was feeling was the effects of the hormone injections or actual pregnancy hormones. My estrogen level was still elevated some (which it will be if you're pregnant as well) and I was still getting daily progesterone injections (Ryan was a pro at those from day one). I have never been so in tune with my body. EVERY little cramp became significant. Once the bloating and heartburn (from all that Gatorade I had to drink) subsided I felt pretty normal except for some mild cramping, which I took as a good sign. Cramping (as well as some spotting) can be a sign of implantation. After IVF, implantation of that little embryo is the one thing I was praying for! I had mild cramping for two days, then it got a little worse for a day and was mild off and on for two more. I thought for sure this had to be a good sign...the embryo was implanting and my uterine lining was preparing-what else could it be?
On the fourth day I went to my class at the U of U and after walking back to my car (if you've been to the U you know there are lots of hills and no such thing as a short walk or a close parking spot) I started getting these painful back spasms-so bad that it hurt to breath or move at all! This I knew was not a sign of pregnancy, but it made the wait feel that much longer! I figured that because I had been taking it easy for a couple weeks and then had been on bed rest for three days, my muscles were just not used to moving that much and even a little walk up a hill was enough to do them in! I was in pain for FIVE days; it always started off mild and got worse as the day went on and I did more, until I would have to call it a day and park myself on the couch. I was putting heat on my lower back every night until it started getting better and then after five days just went away.
For a couple of days during the first week I had slight pains in my lower right abdomen (similar to ovulation pains which I get every month, thanks to my endometriosis) that would last for a few hours then go away. During the second week I had a few days where I would get these slight twinges of pain in my breasts. Every time I had any little symptom I was googling it to see if other women had experienced the same thing and gotten a positive pregnancy test.
I was so sure that it was going to work. Everyone was wishing us luck and praying for us. I would put my hands on my lower abdomen multiple times a day as if I were protecting our sweet little embryo inside me and think pregnancy thoughts. I was mostly calm and felt peaceful about the whole situation, despite the fact that I was spending hours a day looking up pregnancy symptoms and reading message boards about successful IVF stories. I was only allowing myself to think positive thoughts.
Ryan was not so positive. He was not negative either. He was just very calm, but neutral. He said he did not want to encourage me to get my hopes up too much because he knew if it didn't work that I would be that much more devastated. He said he was saving his excitement for the day we get a positive pregnancy test, until then he would just stay calm and go on living like normal. He did keep me slightly more grounded than I would have been without his realistic approach. Deep down I knew that many women do not get pregnant on their first try.
Seven days in I got the worst symptom of all: night sweats. It was a miserable experience! I would wake up 2-4 times a night soaking wet (but not hot, in fact sometimes I was cold because I was so wet). I was going through about three sets of pajamas a night and spending half of the night awake. I would wake up so soaked that my sheets would be drenched and the mattress damp underneath me. I tried sleeping on towels so that I could just change out the towels each time I woke up, but I still ended up on the leather couch most nights. I would read-sometimes for two or three hours-until I could fall back to sleep. Then I would just hope I was not going to wake up again! I was tired all day and had a hard time falling asleep at night because I was dreading the night sweats so much. This was the first bad sign. I looked it up (like I did everything else) and found that night sweats are a common sign of dropping estrogen levels (common for women going through menopause or coming off of estrogen supplements). My estrogen level had already dropped a lot since egg retrieval, but if I was pregnant it would not be dropping more, it would be leveling out or likely increasing again (slightly). I still tried to stay hopeful and thought that maybe it was the progesterone shots...I had heard progesterone causes all kinds of uncomfortable things.
The progesterone shots themselves were becoming very uncomfortable. The first shot that was so easy was not a sign of what was ahead! The shots got more painful every time and I was starting to bleed nearly every time Ryan gave me one. I had bruises and numb areas on both sides where he had been injecting me. I could not wait to find out if we were pregnant and hopefully switch to the progesterone vaginal gel (it was much more expensive, but worth it). The only advantage of the shots was that I got to see Ryan every afternoon, even if it was just for a five minute break from work! <Side note: I am dreading the progesterone injections for this upcoming cycle and my doctor said that I will have to do the injections the whole time (because they have better outcomes with the injections than the gel on frozen transfers), which is until week 10 of pregnancy if our cycle is a success!>
On Friday morning, the day before our pregnancy test, I woke up feeling a little less confident. I had the most minor symptoms (which really means nothing because most women have no symptoms this early anyway) and I just did not really "feel pregnant" (whatever that feels like). I was starting to get a bad feeling. I was an emotional wreck and cried in the shower for about thirty minutes before even starting my day. Here is an entry from my journal that morning:
"I've been so calm these last few weeks, but now that the pregnancy test is tomorrow I'm freaking out a little! I've been so positive this whole time trying to think happy pregnancy thoughts, but now I'm terrified that I'm not pregnant. I don't know how I'm going to handle it if the test is negative. At the same time I keep wondering if I'm just freaking myself out because I've never had a positive one before so it's hard to imagine any different. I know it's going to happen for me eventually because I can (but also can't) imagine what it is going to feel like to have a big belly with a little human growing inside and I can almost feel that baby in my arms. I've just waited for so long and have been disappointed so many times before that it's hard to be excited and not brace myself for bad news. I cry when I think about hearing a positive result and I feel like crawling in a hole when I think about it being negative. I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I don't know what to say. I don't want to say anything negative out loud and put that negative energy out there. I don't want to admit how terrified I am or have people ask me questions about how I feel or why I feel that way. I just want to keep hoping and praying that it worked this time and that after all these years it's my turn to have a baby and finally become a mom. I want to stay in my head and deal with this in my own way. I want to keep saying happy things and putting positive energy out there, but it's hard. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything before."
The next morning was pregnancy testing day!
xoxo
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