Why Not Adopt?

Why don't you just adopt? Why put your body through so much? Why go to all this trouble when there are so many kids that have already been born who need homes? I have been asked these questions so many times. The simple response is because we are just not there yet. What I would really like to ask in response is: why don't all couples just adopt rather than put a woman's body through pregnancy when there are so many children already waiting for homes?

Adoption is something I have thought about quite a bit over the years and I am open to the idea, but I'm just not there yet. I, like most people, would love to have my own biological child and also want so badly to have the experience of being pregnant. Even women with hard pregnancies will say that pregnancy was an experience that was like nothing else and that is something I so want to feel and experience for myself. I want to know what it is like to create a life and feel it grow inside me. I feel like pregnancy is a gift women are blessed with and I want it-the good, the bad, all of it.

IVF is expensive and emotionally trying, but adoption can be very costly-financially and emotionally-as well. First of all, adopting an infant can take years, and I imagine the anticipation of waiting to see if a birth mom picked you feels similar waiting every month to find out if you're pregnant. During the process the agencies look so deep into your personal life (finances, family, home study, references) that it just seems very intimidating. Private adoptions can cost tens of thousands of dollars and even then it is not always a sure thing; a birth mother could change her mind at the last minute and after all that anticipation we could go home empty handed only to start all over again.

I know there are state programs to adopt foster children that are less expensive, but even those come with challenges. Most of the kids in the foster system are sibling groups and older kids, which is not a challenge I am ready to take on (I have seen friends and family struggle with step children and I imagine taking over the task of raising children who know their real parents, who raised them until now, are out there would be even more difficult a task than being a stepparent). With foster kids many of them have biological parents working to get them back, so there is no guarantee we would be able to adopt the first kids we foster either.

If we do adopt someday we really want an infant. I might be more open to a child the second time around, but I want the experience of parenting an infant at least once. We want to be able to experience all of the stages of childhood: from midnight feedings to potty training, to homework and driving lessons. I want the opportunity to bond with my baby and develop the mother-child attachment that starts at birth. We want to teach our child to talk, crawl, walk and read. We want to instill in them moral values and good manners. We want to do all of these things from the beginning. 

I used to think it was selfish of me to want a baby, but I don't think that any more. Nobody looks at a couple who are able to conceive naturally and calls them selfish for wanting a baby rather than a child. Like Ryan once said, "Everyone always wants a puppy not a grown dog." Nobody calls a person who buys a puppy selfish for not adopting a shelter/foster dog. (If you know how much we love our dog, you won't be offended that I just compared babies and kids to puppies and dogs!) I just want what any parents who can have their own children naturally want: to raise a child from birth and help shape that child into the person they will grow into. I want the same thing most couples wanting to be parents do, whether it is our biological child or one we adopt as our own, I want a baby. No matter what, I do know without a doubt that I could love any child just the same whether I give birth to him or her or not.

I have thought about adoption enough that I have even wondered when and how I would tell my child that he or she was adopted. Knowing that they were adopted from the very beginning seems like a hard thing for a child to really understand when most kids around them do not have that in common with them. At the same time if they grew up knowing where they came from then it would just be normal to them. I think it could be healthy for a child to have a relationship with his or her birth mom (but that would be really hard on me). I wouldn't want them to feel negatively about their birth parents, but I imagine knowing that your birth parents gave you up-even if it was for your own good and with the best of intentions or not-has to be an emotionally difficult thing to come to terms with. I don't think I would want to wait to tell them when they were older either because I wouldn't want them to think everyone they trusted lied to them their whole lives. So really, when do you tell a child that he or she was adopted: from the beginning, as a child, as a teen or not until they are an adult? No matter what I think they need to know where they came from, if for no other reason than for family medical history (whether anything about it is known or not).

My best friend growing up was adopted as a toddler (with her older sibling) after the death of her biological mother and everyone in the community knew they were adopted. She always seemed fine with it (she did miss her biological mom sometimes) and still had somewhat of a relationship with her biological grandparents. It was normal for her and it never seemed weird to me-that was just her family. My sister also had a friend whose younger sister was adopted and grew up writing letters to her biological mother. Both of those families had biological children as well. A neighbor adopted an infant after years of waiting and I think she too sent pictures of the baby to the birth mom every once in a while. All of these children grew up in loving homes thanks to the adoption process. They all knew they were adopted, and they all grew up to be adults with bright futures. Looking back now, I am thankful that I had these families as an example because I feel like if we did adopt we wouldn't be going in completely blind and I know I have parents who have been through it to ask if I have any questions.

Like I said in the beginning, even though I think about adoption, the biggest reason we are not considering it right now is because we are just not there yet. We still have six good quality embryos to try before we even really consider our next move. If we do not become pregnant with any of those embryos I don't know what we will do next. I don't know if we will start all over again with IVF or take a break from infertility treatments for a while or at that point mourn the loss of the biological child we will never have and move on. I don't think we will know what is next until we get there. I feel like we still have a number of experiences ahead of us before we start seriously looking into adoption. At this point I don't want to get too far ahead of myself-all I can focus on right now is the next step, which is our next embryo transfer that is scheduled for tomorrow morning.