Repeated miscarriages are a type of infertility. Although a miscarriage is something I have never experienced, I have people close to me who have experienced them. My grandmother lost eight pregnancies (some early and some several months in) between her first and second babies and my mother had a miscarriage when I was about nine years old. I remember her crying on the couch when my dad told me and my sisters that the baby just was gone. My usually active mom didn't get out of bed for a few days and my dad stayed home and took care of us. I did not understand just how hard that must have been for them emotionally until I started actually trying to get pregnant.
My mother-in-law, who had four miscarriages between her children, told me that she had to remind herself each time that she had not lost a baby, but had lost a pregnancy. This really helped me after our first failed IVF cycle. In my mind each of our embryos was a little miracle baby waiting to grow and develop in my womb. When our pregnancy test came up negative I was so devastated. For the long two-week wait I had pictured that little embryo safe inside me and imagined it growing into a healthy baby. I was sure I was pregnant. It was so hard to find out I wasn’t and that the embryo was just GONE. It helped me feel less sad to think of the loss as a pregnancy that wasn't meant to be rather than a baby that could've been. I cannot imagine how much worse that devastation would have been if the test had been positive and then I had miscarried.
About two years ago, my husband and I went out to dinner with another couple. They had a daughter who was about two and she had recently become pregnant again and miscarried. As is not unusual with me, over dinner I told her all about our infertility woes. I told her how frustrating it was that I had been tracking cycles for months and peeing on ovulation strips daily and timing everything just right, but with no luck. She said possibly the worst thing she could have said to me: “I know how you feel.” She then told me that they had been excited for baby #2, but had miscarried a few months ago and now they were getting ready to try again.
I was polite and sensitive to her feelings on the outside, but inside I was enraged that she would compare her one miscarriage to my YEARS of trying without success and tell me she knew how I felt-she had no idea how I felt! She had a child and since she had become pregnant the two previous times without any trouble I was sure she could easily get pregnant again. I found myself jealous (as ashamed as I am to admit it) for 2 reasons:
My mother-in-law, who had four miscarriages between her children, told me that she had to remind herself each time that she had not lost a baby, but had lost a pregnancy. This really helped me after our first failed IVF cycle. In my mind each of our embryos was a little miracle baby waiting to grow and develop in my womb. When our pregnancy test came up negative I was so devastated. For the long two-week wait I had pictured that little embryo safe inside me and imagined it growing into a healthy baby. I was sure I was pregnant. It was so hard to find out I wasn’t and that the embryo was just GONE. It helped me feel less sad to think of the loss as a pregnancy that wasn't meant to be rather than a baby that could've been. I cannot imagine how much worse that devastation would have been if the test had been positive and then I had miscarried.
About two years ago, my husband and I went out to dinner with another couple. They had a daughter who was about two and she had recently become pregnant again and miscarried. As is not unusual with me, over dinner I told her all about our infertility woes. I told her how frustrating it was that I had been tracking cycles for months and peeing on ovulation strips daily and timing everything just right, but with no luck. She said possibly the worst thing she could have said to me: “I know how you feel.” She then told me that they had been excited for baby #2, but had miscarried a few months ago and now they were getting ready to try again.
I was polite and sensitive to her feelings on the outside, but inside I was enraged that she would compare her one miscarriage to my YEARS of trying without success and tell me she knew how I felt-she had no idea how I felt! She had a child and since she had become pregnant the two previous times without any trouble I was sure she could easily get pregnant again. I found myself jealous (as ashamed as I am to admit it) for 2 reasons:
- I was childless and she already had a 2-year-old that she conceived without a problem (although I know that didn't make the miscarriage any less painful for her), and
- She had miscarried: meaning that she had been pregnant-a second time! I didn't even know if I could get pregnant. I had never experienced a positive pregnancy test, or hope of one-my periods were like clockwork.
I found myself wishing for a miscarriage (just one though) because at least then I would know that I could get pregnant! I know it sounds completely crazy, but I thought if I could just get pregnant once and know that I could achieve a pregnancy, then I would know for sure that I would someday carry and give birth to a child of my own. My biggest fear is being told that I won't be able to get pregnant-EVER-because it would literally crush all hope of the dream of pregnancy ever happening for me. (I have nightmares about going in for a routine surgery and waking up to discover they had to remove my uterus!) I admit reoccurring miscarriages are a close second worst fear though...I can't imagine what it would be like to feel the excitement of a pregnancy only to be devastated by the loss of it time and time again.
That same friend got pregnant again within a few months and now has another beautiful little girl. Looking back I think she was in a painful place and just needed someone to talk to. I was too lost in my own painful place to offer the kind of sympathy I wish I could have. Now I think I would be more understanding. I have a calm resolve about my own situation and it has made me feel less anger and jealousy towards those who do not understand exactly what I am going through. I also understand that although she may not have understood what I was going through, I had never had a miscarriage I had no idea what she was going through either.
As for my desire for a miscarriage, that has passed. I guess you could say I came to my senses. I would rather wonder if I will ever get pregnant than wonder if I will ever be able to stay pregnant. I have a friend who had miscarriage after miscarriage (I think 4 or 5 of them) before she got her miracle baby and I cannot imagine the pain she must have felt experiencing the joy of a pregnancy, the fear of a loss and then the devastation of that loss becoming a reality over and over again. My biggest fear right now is that IVF will work and I will become pregnant and then I will have a miscarriage. Losing a pregnancy that was real would be so much harder than losing a pregnancy that might have been. I know that when I do become pregnant, for the first few months I am going to be a NERVOUS WRECK.
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