Pregnancy, Babies and Children EVERYWHERE!

I have had to learn to deal with the sting of pregnancy announcements. I used to cry every time I found out that someone close to me was pregnant. I got so jealous and could not get over how unfair it was when a person who wasn't even trying easily became pregnant and I could not even do it with medications and perfect timing. There are all these TV shows about pregnant teenagers and stories in the news about abandoned babies and I just think: Why do they get to have babies and I don’t? Why is it so easy for these people to get pregnant and so hard for me? It's not fair!!!

I remember the day my younger sister called and told me she was pregnant with her first baby. She had been dating her boss (who is now her husband) for just over a month when she found out they were expecting and I had been trying to get pregnant for about 2 years. I remember the day I got the call with the news: I was at a carnival with a single friend. She had brought her nieces and nephews and I had brought the son and daughter of another friend of mine. The kids were on rides and we were waiting for them when my sister called and told me. I walked away from my friend and stood behind a tree so she wouldn’t see me cry. I was so upset, but managed to fight back my tears so when I rejoined my friend she would know that news of a baby made me cry because I was ashamed that I was not happy for my sister. What kind of a person cries when they find out they are going to be an aunt?! I didn’t want to be an aunt though; I wanted to be a mom! Within minutes of talking to my sister, both of my parents called to make sure I was okay. They both knew how hard the news must be for me and even offered words of encouragement, praising me on caring so much for friends’ kids and telling me that someday it would happen for me too.

By the time my sister found out she was having a girl, I was used to the idea and talking to her about her pregnancy did not hurt quite so much. I actually found that buying things for my unborn niece made me feel a little better. I walked by the baby section every time I went to Walmart and always left with an item of clothing. I got a small amount of joy out of buying baby things even if they weren’t for my own baby. I even started to get excited about a baby coming into my family. For the first time there would be a baby I could visit and hold whenever I wanted. Anyone else close to me having a baby still would have been painful, but my sister having a baby was a little exciting because even though the baby was not mine, I knew I would always be a big part of her life and she would be a big part of mine. Now that baby is NINE years old and I just adore her. I see so much of myself in her that it makes me even more excited to have a baby of my own someday and have the opportunity to raise a child and see reflections of Ryan and me in them, as they become the person they will be.

My niece Mackenzie at birth, 2 years and now

In the twelve years since I first started trying to get pregnant I have learned to look at pregnancies and babies in an entirely different way. Since Ryan and I started actively trying to conceive three years ago, three of our sisters have become pregnant a combined total of FIVE times and we have welcomed three nephews and one niece into the world, with another nephew due to make his appearance in three weeks. I have come to realize that babies are a blessing no matter who they come to. A new life coming into the world is a happy thing for a family (the WHOLE family) and often the happiest time in a couple's life together. A pregnant woman or a new baby does not deserve to be blamed for my pain. It still stings a little, but now I am able to be happy for the pregnant woman and be around her without feeling envious and resentful.

I can hold new babies after they are born without fighting back tears of sorrow. I will admit that when I am staring at your tiny new child in my arms I am secretly imagining what it will be like to someday hold my own while I take in the way that baby feels in my arms. Having that dream makes me happy in that moment. The sadness always returns, but for a few minutes I can get lost in my dream of motherhood and feel okay. It still stings to hear of new pregnancies or babies, and sometimes pictures of friends' newborn babies still bring me to tears but I am now able to move on from the sting of it into a good place rather into a sad, empty place. 

One last thing about pregnancy: I hate hearing women complain about how miserable they are being pregnant because I would give anything to be in their shoes. What is even worse is when friends think they are protecting me by keeping me in the dark- I want to know when you get pregnant! I want to attend your baby showers and your babies' first birthdays! I want a baby more than anything, but I also love babies and children--even if I never have a child of my own I still want to have children be a part of my life and have the privilege of being a part of theirs.

Over the years since I first became an aunt I have learned to really embrace that role. Being an aunt means that I still get to be an important person in a child's life even if it is not a child that I am raising in our home. Sometimes it is even better to be an aunt because I get all of the good and all of the fun with very little bad and even less discipline! Sometimes they say something so sweet or make me a card or gift and I am reminded just how special it is to be an aunt-I cannot imagine life without the presence of children. I get to spoil my nieces and nephews with presents and little surprises every once in a while, and now that my sister's two daughters are getting older, Ryan and I let them have sleepovers at our house and take them to movies (they love to cook breakfast with me in the morning). Some fun things we've done recently include:

1. I babysat my youngest sister's almost-two-year-old twice a week while she was in school spring semester.
2. Last Halloween Ryan and I threw a costume party and invited Ryan's sisters and their families over for a movie, dinner and treats. 
3. I went to the zoo last fall with my sister-in-law and nephews.
4. Ryan and I took my nieces to the new aquarium a few weeks ago.
5. My sister and her daughters celebrated Easter with us this year. 
6. This weekend I am hosting a baby shower for my youngest sister to help welcome our newest nephew. 

Just today Ryan's sister and her five boys came over to help in the garden. Not to mention the countless family gatherings and dinners we have attended over the last year! Even though we don't have our own kids, we still get to have so much fun with kids!

I know being around kids or babies at all can be very painful for women struggling with infertility. Being around pregnant women and babies is still hard on me too sometimes. With close friends and family I have decided I would rather embrace my roles of aunt, sister and friend at gatherings rather than dwelling on the mother role I am missing out on because I would rather be a part of family events than miss them. The more I am around our siblings, parents, nieces and nephews the more I realize just what a great family we will one day get to bring a child into!