Finding Direction While Waiting

My adult life has not gone quite the way I planned. I thought after high school I would start college, meet a great guy my sophomore year, marry him right after graduation, travel for a couple years, then we would have our first baby. By the age of 25, I would be living happily ever after in a nice house with a perfect little family and blossoming career. Instead, at 25 I found myself divorced, single, working an hourly job, living with my dad (for the third time since high school) and trying to transfer my 50 or so completed credits from the Salt Lake Community College to the University of Utah. Less than a year later I met Ryan and started going to the U on student loans. My life finally seemed to be getting on track! Even if my goals were delayed, at least I was on my way to reaching them.

Then infertility struck (again, really) and suddenly I felt like my life was not moving forward. I had always wanted to go to school full time and just get it done, and Ryan and I were finally in a position where we could make that happen. I quit my job in August 2012 and became a full time student. Three long semesters later (fall 2012-summer 2013), I was finally graduating a few months before my 31st birthday. Graduating from college was a huge accomplishment of a lifelong goal, but as the end drew near, all of my friends were looking for jobs, I was left wondering, “Where do I go from here?”

Ryan and I had been trying to get pregnant for over two years and I thought by the time I finished college we would have a baby (or at the very least, I would be expecting). Instead we were getting ready to start IVF, but even that kept getting delayed to the point that I felt like our pregnancy plans were on hold too. I felt like my life was at a stand still and I felt lost. I struggled with my situation because it seemed like everyone around me had career plans in place or children they were raising (or both). I did not have either.

Although my having a job might have helped us save money, the schedule and stress of the strict routine that goes with IVF felt overwhelming. The days I would need off for appointments, procedures and bed rest and then hopefully maternity leave eventually, seemed like too much to ask of a new employer. In addition, I did not know what I wanted to do with the degree I had just earned. All of the careers I had previously dreamed of (like writing for those paper things people read before the internet or traveling the country reporting for an NFL team) no longer interested me or would conflict with my family goals. Although a career is important to me, being able to raise my own kids is more important.

The spring before my last semester of college (2013) I started seriously considering mediation as something I might want to do. I thought a mediator was the perfect combination of the first two degrees I considered pursuing, psychology and law (which it's really not, except for that it involves a lot of listening and is often an alternative to costly legal action) and it seemed like something that would put my communication degree to work. Most importantly, I felt like I could actually do something that would make a difference in people’s lives-especially if I could mediate divorces and family disputes to hopefully help parents make tough family situations easier on their children. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to figure out how to do it.

About a month later, I received an email from the University of Utah’s Communication Department about a Graduate Certificate Program in Conflict Resolution that the university was offering to graduates. The class fulfilled the state’s requirement for training hours and the even promised to help students take the steps to become a court-rostered mediator upon completion of the course. It was like a sign that this was what I was meant to do! I got everything I needed to apply together and started working on my application essay. I had everything turned in before the July deadline and figured if I got accepted then it was meant to be. I got my acceptance letter before summer semester was over. Even though I still didn't have any immediate career plans like most of my fellow graduates, I felt better knowing that I was working towards something. Part of me wasn't ready to say goodbye to college just yet. I knew I my education wasn't complete and I felt so good about my decision to take this course.

Once the class started in the fall of 2013, I discovered whole new reason to feel inferior. On the first day of class, and throughout the year whenever we had a guest speaker, everyone in the class would introduce themselves explaining what they did for a living and how they planned to use what they learned in the course or what they planned to do when it was over. I never knew what to say. I had always worked, except for the time I was a full time student. I felt like a spoiled brat because I did not have a job and I could not give a good reason for my lack of employment. I felt like people would think I was hiding out, taking more classes to delay the job hunt. At this point, I was not completely comfortable with sharing our infertility story. Besides one stay-at-home mom, I think that I was the only one in the class who was not employed. Even the select few students accepted to the program who were still wrapping up their senior years had jobs in addition to a full class schedule. There were even several doctors and a lawyer taking the class and here I was: a 31-year-old college graduate with no kids and no job. I always breezed through the employment part of the introduction and then talked about my desire to become a full-time mediator.

I feel caught off guard quite often in life-whenever anyone asks what I do, I am never sure what to say other than “Nothing.” That sounds pathetic: I do nothing. Then I feel the need to tell my whole story about infertility and IVF as a kind of excuse for doing nothing. A month or so before I graduated from the program I started to say, “My husband and I own a business.” I guess it is kind of true…my husband owns his own business and I am married to him, so through marriage I sort of have somewhat of a stake in the business, but I don’t work for him or anything. Overall I just feel awkward any time anyone asks what it is that I do. Since opening up about infertility and IVF it has gotten easier because I don't get questions about what I do or what I am going to do (now that I've graduated) quite so often.

Now that I am actually mediating, I still want to be a mediator. I am so glad I took that class; I really enjoyed it and learned so much! I would recommend it to anyone. I took it to become a mediator, but the skills I learned are helpful in any relationship: spousal, parent-child, business, neighbor, etc. I really do use the skills I learned in all areas of my life and will always use them personally even if I do not always practice professionally. I also met some really great people and made some new friends. By the end of the course I think the entire class knew I was doing IVF and I had so many people cheering me on and even a few who shared their own stories.

At the Graduation Ceremony and Dinner, April 24, 2014 (I was even voted "Best Evaluative Mediator" by classmates!)

In the last month things have been going really well. I have been working hard to complete my observation and volunteer hours (20 in all) to get on the court roster so I can get some work. I am a mediator already, but cannot mediate court-mandated cases until I am on the court roster. To get my hours I have been spending several days a week (1-3) volunteering at justice courts, all over Utah County and in Sandy, mediating small claims cases. I often spend 4+ hours hoping to get at least an hour of actual mediation experience. It is a slow process, but it makes me feel like I am making some progress. Once I get on the court roster I still have another class on divorce and a mentorship to complete before I can mediate court ordered divorce cases, but I can mediate pretty much anything else.

I really enjoy helping people come together and negotiate an agreement they can both live with. When two parties come to an agreement in mediation it is such a rush and such a great feeling of accomplishment knowing I helped them through the process. Mediation really is such a good alternative to court, where one party will win and the other will lose. In mediation people compromise and come up with creative solutions so nobody has to lose. I love being part of that process. Not every case comes to an agreement, but that is okay too and I think that is a helpful lesson to me that I cannot control every situation. Even though I can control the process of mediation, I cannot control the outcome (just like with IVF).

Having a career path has also makes me feel less lost in life. I feel like while we work through infertility waiting for good news, I have something to pursue. It makes all the waiting easier because I have something to do while I wait. During the second week of my two-week wait of my last cycle I went to court in three different cities and spent several days mediating and hearing cases. I feel like even if I am struggling to accomplish my family goals, I am accomplishing my career goal and putting my communication degree and conflict resolution certificate to good use. In addition to be fulfilling work (most of the time) it is a job where I can set my own schedule and work as little or as much as I want (as long as there is work). This means it will be a job I can easily work around my family life. I can still be a stay-at-home mom (which is what I want), but I can also have a career and my own (hopefully) successful business!

One last thing...I owe Ryan a big THANK YOU for supporting me through the year of training and now in my pursuit of this career!! He always has my back!