God and Science

God or science or both? How does it all fit together? Infertility is an experience that brings about so many questions-many of which don't have answers-and that might be the hardest part. Every embryo transfer feels like a gamble: if it doesn't work I have one less embryo and my chances get fewer and fewer with each attempt. With such a scientific procedure like IVF the idea of God and science is definitely a thought that comes to mind. I don't consider myself a religious person necessarily (I do not attend church regularly, but I believe), but rather a spiritual person. I believe in God and believe we were all put here on Earth with a purpose. I also believe that we have a great deal of control over our own lives and although some things might be fate, most things are consequences (good and bad) of our own decisions and actions.

I do not think that my reproductive problems are a result of anything I have done (I think I am a good person), but how I handle them is up to me. I could live my life consumed by jealousy and anger. Sometimes when I think about the cruel acts done to children on a daily basis I feel anger and disbelief. When I hear stories of parents committing child abuse and murder it makes me so sad. I don't understand how anyone could treat such innocent souls in such horrific ways. No child deserves to feel that kind of pain. It makes me angry that those abusive parents don't understand what a gift their children are and that they were even able to conceive children in the first place. I wonder why they are able to so easily bear children while I am not. I can drive myself crazy asking “why” all day long and it will never make sense. A friend recently said in a comment on my blog, "I don't think it is worth giving the "why" the time of day. It really doesn't matter why. It just is what it is, it is just painful." I think that hits the nail on the head.

I could also choose to leave it all in God's hands and believe that if I am supposed to have a child God will give me one. That just takes me right back to the idea of "why" though because then I think about all of the horrible women who have (or had) children (like the woman who murdered 6 of her newborns over several years). Also, I am not the kind of person to just sit back and wait for things to happen to me. I know in my heart that I am meant to be a mother. I also believe that sometimes we have to work for the things we want. I have to believe it is for a reason and there is a lesson to be learned here. I know that I value just how much of a precious gift a child is now more than I did ten years ago. I also have gained a great appreciation for the miracles created by science and have come to appreciate that I live at the time I do when so much of this science is available to us (even if I sometimes wish more of the old fashioned values of generations past still existed as the norm in society today). I have finished college (a life-long goal accomplished) and in doing so learned so much along the way about children and their thought processes and emotions throughout the growth process. I have also learned about different communication skills and diversity. All of these things will help make me a better mother than I would have been 10 years ago.

I could dwell on my own pain and keep everything inside, but I made the choice to be happy and keep pushing forward. Writing this blog has helped me immensely; just releasing all of my thoughts and feelings through my writing rather than keeping them bottled inside has made me feel better. I have also connected with so many friends that I am so grateful for. Some have sent me private messages offering support, others have let me know they are praying for me and some have said the kindest things that put a smile on my face even on the worst days. I have also connected with friends and even made some new ones who also struggle with infertility. I know now that I am not in this alone. I am so grateful for all of them who have shared their stories with me and offered me well wishes! Their journeys may be different from mine, but we all share those painful experiences, hard days and emotional stresses that come with infertility. 

Thinking about what the next step in the process is instead just dwelling on my desire to have a baby has also helped me to live in the moment and not put my life on hold waiting for "the next great thing," which would be a baby. I feel like if I had locked myself away in an attempt to protect myself from feeling sad and did not share my feelings I would have missed out on a lot of really great experiences. Plus, I am a generally happy person and it just takes too much energy to mope around and feel sad all of the time (although that's not to say I don't do it sometimes).

I could think of myself as a victim of circumstance, but I refuse to throw in the towel and accept the status of "victim." I will not just sit here and think that the universe (or God) is against me. Instead, Ryan and I are doing EVERYTHING in our power to better our situation. We have saved money like crazy, done research, made appointments with doctors and had all kinds of tests and procedures done. If the results are negative again this time, there will likely be more tests and procedures to see why my body just isn't cooperating. In the end if nothing works, at least I will know we have done everything in our power to have our own baby before we move on to whatever is next for us.

I feel like there is a reason I am going through this experience with Ryan at this time in our lives; it is a challenge that we are facing together and learning so much about ourselves and each other in the process. I think it makes us stronger individually and also has strengthened our relationship. We have talked so much about kids and parenting and what we want for our children, that I think we are going to make a really good team as parents (which is SO important). We have definitely had more conversations before having a baby than most couples probably do...I am sure there are a million things we haven't thought of yet, but we still have a good head start.

Getting back to my original question about God or Science...I don't think I have to choose just one. I think IVF is the perfect combination of both. The way the human body works is AMAZING, and just the science of the process of getting pregnant-it's like the perfect storm. My body needs the help of doctors and science to get that process started, but I believe it is still up to God to send me a soul to live in the body of our baby. Maybe that is why I was sent to Earth when I was instead of 100 years ago; we have so many options available to us now. It is so amazing the things doctors can do and more treatments and procedures are being discovered and tried all the time. Even getting pictures of our microscopic embryos thrills me every time (my mom did not even get pictures to take home at her ultrasounds when she was pregnant with me or my sisters). It is so neat to look at that picture of our embryo and think that that little cluster of cells is the perfect combination of Ryan and I wrapped into a little ball. I can't wait for one of those little clusters to stick around (literally) and grow into a healthy baby!