Saying Goodbye During The Two Week Wait

So far this has been the quickest 2 Week Wait ever. All week, my life has been consumed with kids and funeral planning. It has been a whole different kind of stress than usual in that I've hardly thought about my upcoming pregnancy test. The kids have asked several times how many more days until we find out; usually I know exactly how many days I have left to wait, but this time I keep having to check the calendar.

Mackenzie and Brinlee have settled in pretty well, but we still need to get them on a routine with bed times and chores; this week they deserved a break though. They have their room decorated and seem almost completely comfortable. I feel bad that Melissa isn't settled in yet-she's been living out of a bag and sleeping on the couch. She doesn't seem in any hurry, but I understand; I think she just feels lost and I know even with all of us around she must feel so very alone. I still can't believe he is gone. It makes me so sad to think that my sister is a widow at 29-years-old and that my nieces are going to grow up without their daddy.

The girls have had several play dates  this last week with friends and family and even got to go to Chuck E. Cheese's with one of Brandon's good friends, their "Uncle Derek". They've made some new friends, spent some time with my sister-in-law and nephews and visited their Grandma Grace. I have appreciated the help so much! Melissa and I have had a lot to do to get the funeral planned. I have never planned a funeral before this and I never realized how much there is to do. The funeral home was so great to work with though and made sure we did everything we needed to and that everything was just right.

We've had family come by (ours and Brandon's) and friends or family bring us dinner every night this week. It has been so nice to not have to worry about dinner with all the work and errands we've had to do to make sure the funeral was just how Brandon would want it.

The funeral was beautiful. And so very sad. The flowers were so perfect, with a Bears (his favorite team) football to finish the look and we had so many pictures and photo albums out for everyone to see what a good life Brandon had and how loved he was.

(A table with childhood photos is not pictured-it was cleaned up before the pictures were taken)

I'm still in awe of Ryan's talk. He made us all laugh and cry as we remembered Brandon through his stories of their experiences together. He and Ryan were such good friends and I think writing about Brandon might have helped Ryan get through this week. The funeral service was filled with music: there was a wonderful guitar solo and vocal performance of Metallica's Nothing Else Matters by two of Brandon's childhood friends, a vocal solo by the sister in the duo and song recordings in place of the opening and closing prayers (Live Like You Were Dying and the song Brandon had always said he wanted played: It's a Great Day to be Alive).

The turnout was amazing! So many friends, new and old, and so much family showed up to celebrate Brandon's life and support Melissa and the kids. I didn't even get to say hi to some, but I am so grateful to everyone who made it to support my sister as well as Ryan and myself.

The hardest part for me was when they closed the casket and my sister dropped to her knees. It hurts so much to see my sister in so much pain. She doesn't deserve to suffer such a life-changing tragedy. I've never seen her so sad. I cannot imagine what she must be feeling through all of this and I don't know how to help. My mom went to Melissa and my dad hugged me as I sobbed with Kenzie and Brinlee holding my hands. Even Kenzie and Brinlee started crying. Melissa came over and held them. Then I saw Lexi, who has now lost both parents, sobbing and standing there alone-it just broke my heart. I tried to comfort her but I know ultimately all I can do is make sure she knows that we're all here for her and still her family. 

Melissa cuddled all 3 kids through the service with my dad and me on one side of them, Kim on the other and my mom and Flint (Kim's husband) behind us. I'm so glad we were all able to have each other there and keep each other so close through the service. I hope we can all be there together this coming week for Melissa when she picks up his ashes after he's cremated and then for the scattering of his ashes when Melissa is ready to do that.

After the funeral, we all went to a church and had a lunch that was planned last minute, but prepared so well. My great-uncle and aunt from Alabama are on an LDS mission in Salt Lake right now so they came to the service and lunch. My uncle gave Ryan and I blessings when they brought dinner Tuesday night and also said a family prayer over the 3 kids (who were too shy to get blessings themselves). He told me yesterday that he'd had a good feeling all week and said he hoped I was taking care of my babies.

We went to Brandon's brothers' house (the house Brandon actually grew up in) after we left the church. Brandon's mom pulled me aside and said she's sure that Brandon is making sure we get our baby, whether it be one or two, boy or girl, she's sure it's going to happen. I am so glad that my possible pregnancy is giving some people hope during such a sad time. (It makes me feel extra pressure though-I hope everyone is not too disappointed if it doesn't work out.)

Brandon did love children and babies so much. He's the only man I've ever met who was eager to hold newborns or feed babies bottles-he's even been known to change diapers. I think it brings back memories of when his own girls were that small. It makes me sad to think that my own children will never get to experience Brandon as their uncle. We will make sure they know who he was through pictures and stories though.

<Thank you to Ryan's mom for taking pictures! I only took one, but she made sure we had some more to remember the beautiful service.>