A Bittersweet Week

On Monday, February 17, we went in for our screening ultrasound. I was so miserable from all the medications! My stomach felt full and bloated all the time to the point it hurt (not horribly, just enough that I felt uncomfortable all the time). I was walking around so slow and taking small steps to keep from moving or working my stomach too much.

In the ultrasound they would count how many eggs I had and see how many of those were mature. We were crossing our fingers for a lot of eggs-the more eggs we had the more embryos we would end up with. We expected that by the end we would end up with half of the eggs becoming fertilized and maturing to 5-day embryos. The more embryos we got the more chances we would have to become pregnant and still have some left for baby #2 in a few years (as we will likely have to do IVF every time to get pregnant. There is no telling for sure until we get to that point though.)

I couldn't help but smile as the doctor read off more and more measurements of eggs! I looked at Ryan and could tell he was excited too. As it turned out we had FIFTEEN eggs! That was such good news! Only 10 of the eggs were mature enough, so the doctor ordered a blood test to check my estrogen level and they told me to come back the next day for another screening (I would go in every day for ultrasounds until they thought I was ready). They figured that by Wednesday the rest of the eggs would be mature enough to schedule the egg retrieval.

A few hours later we got a phone call from one of the nurses. My estrogen level was at 3800. At 4000 I would be at risk for severe Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). My increased estrogen levels were a result of how hard my ovaries were working to produce extra eggs. Normal women's estrogen levels fluctuate, but usually stay under 400. OHSS causes the ovaries to become enlarged, which is why I was feeling so bloated. If OHSS gets severe, excess fluid can leak out into the abdominal cavity and require a doctor to drain it (using a large needle) or ovarian cysts can burst requiring surgery. To prevent this, I was told to take it easy and drink 64 ounces of Gatorade a day. Gatorade for the electrolytes and the sodium: I needed to stay hydrated, but it was also important for my body to absorb any excess fluid. I also had to weigh myself and measure the circumference of my stomach every morning and track how many times a day I peed. If I had a decrease in frequency of urination, a weight gain of 2 pounds or more in a day, abdominal swelling, chest pain, shortness of breath or swelling in one of my legs, I was supposed to see a doctor immediately.

We did get one bit of good news: one whole day with NO SHOTS! Ryan had to give me a shot of Pregnyl (HCG) that night (our first hip muscle shot), but I did not have to have any injections on Tuesday (I just had to take an antibiotic before bed). Wednesday morning we would go in for the egg retrieval! I couldn't believe we were finally so close to doing this!

During all of this my grandpa was very ill. He had cancer in his liver and kidneys, but they were not sure where it started or just how bad it was (it all came on very suddenly). On Tuesday they transported him down from Idaho Falls to the VA hospital here in Salt Lake. I went to see him for a few hours on Tuesday afternoon before my mediation class (I just completed a conflict resolution graduate certificate program at the University of Utah).

My mom, grandma, aunt and cousin were there. The room was big for a hospital room and dimly lit. It was strangely quiet, strange because I come from a family of talkers. My grandpa looked so small in that hospital bed-he was so skinny that when I hugged him I could feel his shoulder bones. He was so pale and so weak that he could not even sit up. Even his voice was so soft and quiet that you could barely hear him when he talked. I talked to my grandma quite a bit and just remember wondering how she was so calm; she seemed so strong to me in that moment. My grandpa drifted in and out of sleep while I was there and I was so scared it would be the last time I would see him. I didn't want to leave him-I was late for my class that night. I told some friends where I had been and everyone kept asking if I was okay. I remember feeling so peaceful through this whole experience. I accepted that I might lose my grandpa and was not as upset as I thought I would be. I thought about him a lot and worried about my grandma, but deep down I just had a feeling that no matter what happened everything would be okay. 

On Wednesday morning we went in for the egg retrieval. I was excited, but also nervous-this was an entirely new experience and I was not sure exactly what to expect. The procedure was done under conscious sedation so I don't remember much of anything after the nurse put my IV in and walked me into a room with a weird chair. I remember we talked to the doctor for a minute then I woke up in a recovery room feeling high and so happy! Ryan was next to me and seemed happy too...he told me they had gotten EIGHTEEN eggs! That was even more than we expected! Our embryo transfer was scheduled for Monday.

I slept the whole way home and for a couple hours after. Then we got some bad news. My grandpa was too sick for treatment. Rather than a few months, like they had previously estimated, they said he had hours to days left to live and that it would be best for him to go home where he could die comfortably. They had already contacted hospice to get a hospital bed set up in his house and he would be transported home by ambulance in the morning. Ryan and I knew we had to go see him. We picked up my sister and her husband and two daughters on the way there. My mom, grandma, aunt and cousin were there again when we arrived at the hospital and my youngest sister showed up shortly after we arrived. I told my grandpa all about the egg retrieval and that in 5 days we might be pregnant. He told me how happy he was for us and how proud he was of me for everything I had done. He was so quiet that you could hardly hear him unless you were real close. He kept telling me he just had to kick this thing and I told him to get well soon. He kept telling all of us that he loved us and just laid there watching so much of his family gathered around him talking (he was missing two daughters and more young grandkids back home). He held me close a little longer when I hugged him to leave. He kissed my cheek and told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too. I know he knew he was going to die, but he didn't want to upset any of us, so we all played along and said "see you later" instead of "goodbye."

Friday the embryologist called and told us that of our 15 eggs, all had fertilized and we had TWELVE good embryos! But our good news was followed by more bad: Saturday night, just days before our embryo transfer, my grandpa passed away. His wife and daughters were there with him at home, so as sad as it was, I can't think of a better way to go. He died just a few minutes after my grandma sat next to him, held his hand and told him that she would be fine. They have the kind of lasting love that I hope Ryan and I can grow and nurture over our years together too. I cried in bed that night and in the shower the next morning. Partly because I was sad about my grandpa and partly because I was worried about how my mom and grandma were doing! I still felt strangely at peace though. I know he is in a better place and not in pain anymore. But I am sure going to miss him greeting me with a big smile and a hug the next time I go visit my grandma. I can still hear his laugh...I hope I never forget that. He was such a happy, kind man. I had this image in my mind of my grandpa sitting under a tree with a child that I knew was mine; I kept thinking that grandpa was in heaven preparing a sweet spirit to come into our family. Monday was our embryo transfer and two weeks later we would find out whether or not it worked. It felt so strange to think that one soul might have left our family just as another was coming into it.