We're In This Together

Ryan knew going into this relationship that having a baby with me might be challenging, but he married me anyway! Before we even got engaged I told him EVERYTHING. Going into my relationship with Ryan I made it a goal to be completely open and honest about everything-even things in my past that I was ashamed of. I wanted him to know everything about me, my faults included, and I did not want to have any secrets. This also meant I did not keep anything bottled up: if something bothered me, I told him; I think honesty and openness about feelings is important in lasting relationships.

By the time I met Ryan, I saw it as a blessing that I never had children with my ex because that would have meant that I would have him in my life forever, which was something I did not want. I thought maybe it was up to God and he would bless me with children when the time was right. I kept telling myself that with the right person it could just happen. I think Ryan and I both secretly hoped that we would just be so compatible that a pregnancy would magically happen for us. I had heard stories like that before: couples who try and try, but never get pregnant, then they split up and go on to have children with their new partners with no problems or complications. It could happen for us too, right? Wrong! If only we had been so lucky!

Now I think that maybe part of the reason we came together is because of this challenge. Ryan is strong enough to support me through the emotional distress of feeling like "less of a woman" sometimes because I cannot do the one thing females are biologically designed to do, patient enough to wait and keep trying-whatever it takes-and hard working enough to put us in the financial situation that we can actually afford to have some of these treatments. I try to look at infertility as a challenge that we were meant to face together and I know that someday we will overcome the challenge and become parents.

My sister told me months ago that I was lucky that we could afford IVF because if she had the same problems with infertility then she would not have had children because she and her husband would not be able to afford treatments. That made me wonder just how many childless couples out there are childless by choice and how many are childless because they can't get pregnant and can't afford infertility treatments or stopped treatments when their finances ran out. I really hope that someday all states will require insurance companies to cover infertility treatments so that ALL couples with infertility troubles will have a choice, no matter what their financial situation is (currently 15 states have insurance mandates requiring coverage for infertility treatments, but exactly which treatments are covered varies by state).

I am so lucky to have such a hard working, determined (and good looking) husband and feel so blessed that he has been as successful as he has been so far. He has always done everything he could to provide for us. A few years ago he even got a second job delivering pizza at night when our combined income from our full time jobs wasn't enough. He may like to live in the moment, but where business is concerned he always has a backup plan or two! It is because of the business he started two years ago and because he works so hard every day to make sure it is successful that we have been able to save the money for IVF as well as work on paying off all the various medical bills we have acquired along the way (for things that did not require payment up front or were denied by insurance). It is also because of his hard work that I was able to finish college and not only get my bachelor's degree, but also get my mediation certificate! I just hope business continues to remain steady.

As far as our relationship is concerned, we both have our weaknesses: I tend to hide my emotions and Ryan avoids confrontation. I call him out on it and help conversations about tough stuff happen (I guess mediation was a good career choice for me) which helps build our relationship, even if it has to break down a little to get there. I still don't let him see every little emotional outburst of mine (I like to cry in the shower), but I cry on his shoulder about the big things and he is always so good at comforting me...whether that means talking to me, listening to me or just letting me cry or be sad for a while. He is like my own personal therapist! Sometimes it helps just to be together-not doing anything or saying anything, but just being near one another. The most comforting feeling in the world though, is being held by your husband!

There are lots of little things I like about our relationship too:

• Sometimes we give each other surprise gifts (he does this more than me) or he comes home from work with flowers or a treat of some kind (I love my sweets!) 
• Every Valentine's Day I write him a poem and make him a handmade Valentine and he gives me a giant stuffed animal (because he knows the kid in me still loves stuffed animals). 
• We always save some of our Christmas presents to open together when it's just the two of us. 
• I write him letters sometimes because I think it's romantic. 
• We send each other random text messages during the day just to say "I love you." 
• We love to barbecue together and eat on the porch when it's nice outside. 
• We pick the first of every ripe vegetable in the garden together (we started this tradition last year with our first garden...this year with the bigger garden, it's going to be even better!)
• When we make breakfast I always cook the eggs and he always cooks the pancakes.

We are not a super couple by any means...we have our share of fights and get distracted by our smart phones (especially him) just like any other couple. Infertility has not been easy for either of us or easy on our relationship. We have our spells of emotional closeness and distance, but even at our most distant I always know he is there for me if I need him. Sometimes I think we just need our space mentally, but we always find our way back to each other; those are my favorite times in our relationship-the coming back together times. Those are the times I know just how much we mean to each other and sometimes it feels like falling in love all over again.

One of the hardest side effects of infertility on our relationship is how scheduled our sex life has become! When we were charting my cycles and tracking ovulation, it was all about the right timing. Sometimes it almost felt like a chore. Then there were the tests and egg retrieval when Ryan had to give samples which meant we had to remain abstinent for so many days before. Now with the embryo transfer we can't have sex for two weeks (until the pregnancy test). It totally sucks having doctors tell you when to do it and when not to do it, and any time you know you can't it suddenly seems important to make sure to fit it in right before. If you can't tell, it really sucks the romance out of it! I don't want to have sex because I am supposed to-I want to have sex because I want to and when I feel like it!

We have to find other ways to stay close. Something that has helped us is doing things together. We really are best friends so we have fun together! We eat dinner together (when I cook-which isn't EVERY night) and sometimes take walks together (with Saisha) after dinner.  We both love movies and go see about a movie a week (sometimes more) in the theater. It's a nice, easy-to-plan date and a good excuse to hold hands for two hours! We have gone to baseball games, football games, basketball games, comedy shows and concerts. Last year we saw a couple of plays at the University of Utah (various venues) and in the last few months we have seen the Blue Man Group at Kingsbury Hall (one of Ryan's surprises for me) and taken my mom to the see the Utah Symphony at Abravanel Hall. We also just bought tickets to see Wicked at Capitol Theater in August. It has been fun showing Ryan some of these historical venues around the valley! (Listing all of this stuff, my life sounds way more fun than it seems most of the time!)

Like every other couple in America, we also have TV series we get into and watch together (currently our go-to show is Orphan Black-highly recommend it! The first season is on Amazon Prime). We go on vacations and weekend getaways downtown (I call those our stay-cations) where we stay at the Marriott City Center-the same hotel we stayed in the night he proposed and the night of our wedding. We have had more "last trip before we have kids" vacations than I can count (some little, some big)! Another small thing we do, that I think is important in relationships, is that we go to bed together every night. We always go downstairs at the same time, (get in each others way in the bathroom getting ready), kiss goodnight and fall asleep in bed together (although not always at the same time, thanks to the TV in our bedroom). We have always done this and now I can't fall asleep if he is not home!

I know Ryan is going to make such a great father someday! I can tell by the way our nieces and nephews adore him that there is something special about him that kids are drawn to. He will be such a good leader and example (he'll be an even better one if he starts to help more around the house!) I cannot wait to see him hold his own baby for the first time (or change a diaper...he's saving his first diaper change for OUR baby). 

I know in the end, this crazy journey is only bringing us closer. As hard as it is at times, we have stuck together, been there for each other and learned a lot about each other along the way. I cannot think of a better person to be my partner in this adventure we call Life...I love him more than anything and I am so glad we found each other.