IVF Cycle #1: The Results

Our blood test to find out if I was pregnant or not was scheduled for Saturday March 8, 2014. Since I just had to go to the lab to have my blood drawn, they did not give me a specific time. On Saturdays they were open from around 8:00 am until noon. Earlier in the week I had emailed the IVF nurses to see if I could go to the Daybreak location in South Jordan location instead of the one by the University of Utah because it is much closer to our house. I said that if they were not open on Saturdays I would rather make the drive to the University than have to wait until Monday. One of the nurses emailed me back and said that yes I could take it at the Daybreak office. She also called my progesterone vaginal gel prescription (so we could stop the injections) into that office so I could start it that day if we got a positive result and told me to wait until I got my results to pick it up.

I woke up somewhat early (for me) and got ready. We were at the Daybreak office by about 9:30 am. We were both excited and nervous. Before they drew my blood I asked how long it would take to get the results. There were two young women working in the lab that day. The one that walked me back said they usually called with results within a couple of hours. After the other girl came in and drew my blood I verified that they would call me around 11 or so and she said that no, they had to send the blood out to anther lab. The first girl seemed as surprised as I was and the second one explained that on Saturdays a courier picked up the blood samples around 12:30 and that they wouldn't have the results until after 2:00 or 3:00 pm! Ryan and I were both so disappointed. We thought we were going to find out the results while we were there.

Before we left we stopped by the pharmacy to pick up my prescription; we could not wait to pick it up after we got the results because the pharmacy also closed at noon on Saturdays. On the drive home I tried calling the main number for the IVF clinic and left a message (they don't have a receptionist on Saturdays). Once we got home I started getting very frustrated. The results were not going to be in until after the clinic was closed, so I really just wanted to know if we would for sure be getting the results that day. 

Ryan went in to work for a few hours. I spent the next hour impatiently calling every number I could find trying to get someone to get one of the IVF nurses on the phone. One person I talked to said that they would not give me the results until the doctor reviewed them on Monday! I also sent an email to the IVF nurses hoping between that and my voicemail I would get a response (I was pretty sure there was only one nurse working on the weekend, so I just hoped she wasn't too busy to check messages!) We decided that if we did not hear from anyone by 4:00 pm that we would just take a home pregnancy test. We had decided early on that we were not going to "cheat" by taking a home test early, but our current circumstances had made us feel like our only other option was to wait until Monday and we did not like that option! I always have pregnancy tests on hand (anyone who has TRIED to get pregnant can probably relate), so I dug one out of the vanity drawer and placed it on the bathroom counter.

Finally someone called us back. One of the nurses called Ryan. At first he was not very nice on the phone, but she calmed him down. She explained that a courier picks up all the tests from the various locations and takes them to the University location on Saturdays because that is the only lab that works on weekends. She told him that they probably would not get the blood until around 2:00 pm, and not have results until around 4:00 pm. By then everyone in the clinic would be gone, but she said she would call to see if the lab would release the results to her and then she would call us herself from home. She apologized that nobody told us how it worked and told him that next time the fastest way to get the results is to go to the University location. Ryan called me with the update, and although I was disappointed that we would have to wait for several hours, I was just relieved that we would still know that day. The same nurse also responded to my email and verified that I had picked up my prescription, just in case.

To kill some time we decided to go to a movie after Ryan got home from work. We saw "3 Days to Kill" starring Kevin Costner (somewhat entertaining movie, but neither of us really liked it much) at the District Megaplex Theaters. I put my phone on vibrate and held it on my lap so that if the nurse called I could step out and talk to her. The movie should be over before then, but we didn't want to risk missing her call. I can't remember if it was during the previews or right after the movie started that my phone vibrated. I ran out of the theater and answered it. It was the nurse. She was calling to give me instructions in case the test was positive before she left the office for the day. Ryan came out a minute later and I whispered that they did not have the results yet. She scheduled my first screening ultrasound and went over how to use the progesterone gel applicators. She said that the lab would call her at home as soon as they processed my blood sample and then she would call me. She also explained that the reason it takes so long is that it is not a regular pregnancy test; it is a beta test. Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (hCG) is produced by the body during pregnancy. It can be detected in the blood 11 days after conception (which technically happened in a lab before the embryo was even inside me) and doubles every 72 hours for the first 8-11 weeks of pregnancy. The blood test they were doing was to get my hCG levels, which would be on the rise if I was pregnant.

After the movie ended we still had not received a call with the results. We both used the restroom and as we were walking out the door I noticed that I had missed a call while I was in the restroom: the only time my phone had not been in my hand all day! I immediately called the number back. We were walking past the fountain out in front of the theater when she answered. My heart immediately sank. I could tell by her tone that she did not have good news. I stopped walking and just listened. The test was negative. She said she was so sorry and that the doctor would be in contact with me. Ryan had stopped and was facing me. I looked up at him as I asked the nurse what was next. We started walking again and she said that I could schedule an appointment to figure out what our next steps should be.

The phone call was short, but I could not have held it in much longer. As soon as I hung up I looked down and said "It didn't work." My voice was shaking and I was sobbing before I could even get the words out. Ryan put his arm around me and held me close to him as we walked to the car. I didn't even care if strangers walking by saw me sobbing or stared at me. I was so upset that I just wanted to go to bed. I stared out the window with tears pouring down my cheeks the whole drive home. Ryan held my hand and we rode in silence.

Once we got home and inside I threw all my medications in a box and put any little reminders of a baby away and out of sight, including the pregnancy test I had put on the bathroom counter earlier. Ryan came inside after me and we hugged for several minutes. I just wanted to collapse into him. I ended up in bed crying. I texted friends and family the bad news while Ryan sat on the porch crying and texting family. Eventually I fell asleep. I woke up staring at baby pajamas hanging on the knob of my dresser-the one thing I had forgotten to put away (and still have hanging where I can see them from my bed-now I look at them as a symbol of hope). I felt numb for a couple days after. It was like all of the emotional weight of the past month came crashing down. I finally let the death of my grandpa really hit me and I was angry that I had missed his funeral when it wouldn't have made any difference in this outcome if I had gone.

A few weeks later I asked Ryan why he didn't come downstairs to our bedroom where I was that day. He said that he was too upset and couldn't be strong for me so he stayed away. He didn't want to make me more upset by crying in front of me. I told him that I don't always need him to be strong, I just need him to be there. I told him that it is okay for him to break down and be upset too and that those are the times we need each other most. We really are kind of alone in this together-we have tons of support from friends and family, but none of them feel the same way we do because we are in the middle of this and it is happening to us. That night we had a few minutes to talk and mourn the loss we felt together. I think it helped us heal and grow a little closer.

I still get sad thinking about it-we were both so excited and I was so sure it was going to work that it was a HUGE letdown. We had an emotional roller coaster of a day, but we know how it works and where to go to speed things along now (From this experience I learned to always ask questions and never make assumptions). I don't think it will be as hard this next time if the results are negative because it won't be as surprising; we will have experienced the pain and disappointment before.  It seems like it HAS to get easier. I hope I don't have to experience that feeling again though. Even though I have hope, I now know firsthand that sometimes you just have to heal and try again.