The Loneliness of Being Childless

Infertility is a very lonely experience. I imagine being childless in general can be an isolating experience, but I think it is different when you are childless not by choice, but due to infertility. I often feel isolated from other women because I want what they have (or can could have if they wanted) and they don't understand how I feel. I don't blame them for their lack of understanding...nobody can truly understand what infertility feels like unless they've been through it themselves. I even feel disconnected from friends who experienced infertility before getting their miracle babies because they've experienced pregnancy and now have a child of their own while I have never even been pregnant. Their stories inspire me and give me hope, but they don’t make me feel any less lonely. Stories of successful pregnancies have kept me going and are part of the reason I decided to go public with my own personal struggles. The loneliest I have ever felt was when I was trying to keep our infertility troubles a secret between ourselves and close family. Putting my private life out in the public eye was such a hard thing to do, but it has also been a very rewarding action: I have found support in people I never would have imagined could relate to me.

Still, I feel like I don’t really fit in anywhere. Nearly all of my friends have children. I have two types of friends: the single parents and the married mothers. I don’t get invited to do adult things with the single parent friends because they are really kind of like a club and you have to be raising a kid on your own to join. I don’t get invited to do things with the single parents or married mothers when it is something with their kids because I don’t have a kid to bring. My husband and I occasionally go out with the married mothers and their husbands if they can get a sitter, but usually if they have a sitter they want to go out on a date by themselves. My husband and I even find ourselves wishing we had more childless couples to invite out on a moment’s notice to do things with us (we have one I can think of), but most of our friends need advance notice to get a babysitter.

The events we do get invited to are usually family oriented ones: barbecues, football parties and holiday gatherings. Even in those situations I find myself feeling alone in a crowd of mothers talking about the cute things their kids did last week, how hard potty training is, the picky eating habits of their four year old, the huge mess their house is because of the kids, how they never have any time to themselves or how busy their schedule is because of carpools and soccer practice. I don’t usually have much to contribute to the conversation because I don’t have any of those experiences-in fact I spend A LOT of time by myself, my schedule is very planned and organized (I have to TRY to fill all of my time and stay busy), I spend several hours cooking nearly every night and my house is always clean. (Don't get me wrong...I enjoy cooking and do like having a clean house, but I'd give it all up for children of our own!
  
I hate hearing people complain about their kids and hate it more when they tell me how lucky I am to have so much freedom because I would trade them places in a heartbeat. I wish my life was more chaotic and noisy. I want to clean up after children and change diapers and watch Disney all the time and have bedtime routines and read stories and drive kids to practices and watch recitals and games. I want to know what it feels like to be the one person in the world a child wants more than anyone else. I want to cuddle them when they are sick or sleepy and rock them to sleep when they are scared and tickle them just to hear them laugh. Ryan may not say it out loud very often, but if you've ever watched him interact with our nieces and nephews you would know that he wants to be a dad as much as I want to be a mom (and he'll be such a good dad!)

I also want to be asked about our journey...if you're curious where we are in the IVF process or how things are going for us, just ask. When friends ask us about our journey it makes us feel loved, supported and less alone-let us know that you have our backs! The disappointments are easier to face when we know we have a support system to catch us, think of us and pray for us.