Mother's Day

Every year as Mother's Day approaches I carry a sadness that gets heavier as the day gets closer. Mother's Day is a holiday that celebrates the one role in life that I so strongly desire but have not yet been able to fill. The day itself is always tough, especially when we get together with family. Family gathering always involve hearing lots of well wishes to the mothers around me and seeing cards and gifts given to all the women but me. Sometimes it makes me feel awkward, other times I just feel invisible. I feel left out being childless on normal days and hear "just wait until you have kids" all too often (believe me...I've been waiting for a VERY long time) but an entire day of celebrating what I don't have really makes it feel like my shortcomings are being flaunted in my face!

It hurts when I am the only one who doesn't get a gift or a card from someone...I sometimes wish friends and family would be more sensitive, especially when they bring gifts for all the women in room except for me. I'm not saying that they shouldn't exchange gifts or that I expect something, just that I wish they wouldn't do it in front of me; it just reminds me of what I am missing and want so desperately.

The closest thing I can think to relate it to is being single on Valentine's Day and wondering if I would ever find someone, but it feels worse because I've been childless for this holiday EVERY YEAR OF MY LIFE! I think what if it never happens for me? Will I never get to celebrate? Will this day cause me pain for the rest of my life? It just feels so unfair. I wish we could use the day to celebrate the feminine spirit and the nurturance it provides, celebrating those who are mothers as well as those who mother others or wish to be mothers one day.

There are plenty of people who have lost children or mothers who probably struggle with this holiday as well. I know my dad has always had a hard time celebrating because he lost his own mother around Mother's Day when he was in his early 20s. My mom was always sympathetic towards him for not making a huge deal out of the holiday, but he always made sure to do something for her despite the sadness I am sure he still carries in his heart.

My dad always remembers to wish me a happy Mother's Day and will give me something as well as my sisters if he buys them gifts. He says that even though I don't have a child yet that I'm still a mother. That always makes me feel good and I appreciate that small gesture more than he knows! He even called me today just to wish me a happy Mother's Day...that was the only phone call I got today.

I have not come up with a good coping strategy. Every year is different. Last year we had a big barbecue and invited my mom and sisters and their families over. I love entertaining and having guests over for dinner, so that kept me busy and kept my mind off of me and my feelings. I love to give gifts too, so last year my husband and I spoiled my mom and sisters (we got them things they really needed but couldn't afford). It felt so good to help them out and see how happy they were (and how excited our nieces were as they helped us bring out the gifts). I really do have the greatest sisters...they are my best friends.

Ryan and I don't do much for each other because it's a painful reminder that though we are parents in our hearts, we still don't have babies in our arms. We wish each other a happy day and usually go on a date or do something special for our own parents to take our focus off of our own feelings of inadequacy.

This year we brought my mom lunch after church and then stayed at her house all afternoon relaxing and talking. Ryan napped while my mom and I went through all of her piano music and she let me borrow some new songs I want to learn to play on the piano. The time flew by and it was so nice to spend time alone with my mom. We even made some plans for the next time we can get together for a day.

Me and my Mommy

On our way home we stopped by my sister's house to drop off the Mother's Day presents I helped my nieces make yesterday. By the time we got home Mother's Day 2014 was practically over...and overall it was a good one this year.

Kenzie and Brinlee with their Mother's Day gifts I helped them make.

I have had a couple of pleasant surprises for Mother's Day this week and those acts have kindness have made me feel so loved and made this week easier than past years have been. Today, my sister-in-law posted message on my wall on Facebook wishing me a Happy Mother's Day and saying that she thinks I am an amazing aunt and that I inspire her to be a better mom and aunt. I look at her as such a great example of a mother, so that came as a great compliment! I love her and just wish she lived closer so I could see her and her family more. I am so lucky to have gained three wonderful sisters when I married Ryan.

Yesterday my husband's best friend, Matt showed up at my house with my sister to surprise me with a Mother's Day lunch. He took my sister and I (along with the kids and Ryan) out to lunch to The Olive Garden for Mother's Day then out or ice cream after. It felt so good to be included and remembered on a weekend when I usually feel forgotten. I am so grateful for Matt and his kindness.

Last weekend at my youngest sister's birthday party (which kind of doubled as a Mother's Day dinner), my 9-year-old niece, Kenzie (other sister's daughter) gave me a Mother's Day card she had made for me. Inside the card she wrote that even though I don't have kids yet I'm like her second mom! It was the sweetest, most thoughtful message. I smile every time I look at it on my fridge. I just love her! She even lit candles for all the moms to blow out and make a wish. She lit one for me (as well as my mom and my sisters) because she said she knows I'm a mom on the inside and a mom to Saisha (my 13-year-old dog).

I do have my fur-baby, Saisha. With her every day is Mother's Day! She is SOOO excited to see me every time I come home-she looks so sad watching from the living room window as I drive away any time I leave and acts like I've been gone for a week even when I leave for an hour. She whines until we call her up on our bed with us every morning and cuddles with us when we watch movies. I feed her and take care of her just like a mother does. We tuck her in at night and I take pictures of her sleeping. I get excited when I see her excited. She follows me around the house and keeps me company when I work in the garden. I've loved her for 13 years now. She may not be a human baby but she is my baby.

Our Little Family

This year it has been hard reading posts and seeing pictures of gifts on Facebook and hearing friends speak of how grateful they are to be moms. I'm happy for them, and I'm very grateful for my own mom and mom-in-law. There are so many great moms in my life and they all have such lucky children. If only I could focus on just that. I imagine this is how people who wish to marry but have been single for most of their lives feel at weddings. It is hard seeing so many friends having 3rd, 4th or 5th babies. I even get sad when I hear someone say "this is my last" because I don't even have my first; I feel sad for my unborn children because none of our friends will have kids their age to play with our kids. I try to turn that around and think of how showered with attention our little ones might be by all the older kids, especially our nieces and nephews who all just love new babies. With IVF coming up in a couple weeks I just keep thinking that maybe next year will be the first Mother's Day I get to celebrate as a mother to a child of my own...I really hope so. This year I just want to say thank you to all of those who thought of me this year and Happy Mother's Day to all the women in my life!