My Struggles Are Real

I feel like some of my friends and family have forgotten what their lives were like way back when they had their first baby. It doesn't happen all the time, but I've noticed sometimes when I'm going through something new or difficult as a first time parent, other parents in my life brush it off like I have it easy because I just have the one baby. Maybe it seems that way to them, but for me this is all new. I'm experiencing every milestone and challenge for the first time because Dean is my first baby--I've never done this before. I watch parents of 3, 4, 5, 6 kids and wonder how in the world they do it. I'm not saying my struggles are harder or easier than anyone else's, just that I still have struggles too.

My World

A hard day for me may seem like small potatoes to some, but for me it's a challenge and sometimes I need a listening ear and an understanding friend to tell me I'm not alone--especially with all of the perfect images of mothering I see online every day. Instead I often am made to feel inadequate because something that seems big to me is no longer a big deal in their life so they just brush it off like my struggle is nothing. That makes me feel like I should be handling whatever the situation is better or like maybe I'm doing something wrong. Why does this feel like a struggle to me but it comes easy to them? I'm constantly telling myself that I'm sure they struggled when they went through this experience, whatever it may be, for the first time, but it would be nice to hear that that's the truth every now and then.

Lately my perfect sleeping-through-the-night baby has not been sleeping so well. Some nights he wakes up every 1-2 hours. On a good night I get 5-6 straight hours of sleep. He used to go back to sleep with a little comfort (like my hand on the side of his face) and his binky, but now he just cries harder and harder until I pick him up. Then he calms down a little and freaks out again until I nurse him. The result: I spend half my night nursing my baby. While doing so I sometimes drift in and out of a light sleep, but I wake up in the morning feeling far from refreshed. I can usually put him back in his bassinet once he falls back asleep until he wakes up around 4 or 5...after that feeding, it always seems that the slightest movement wakes him. So I gently roll him off of me, or roll myself away from him, and there we sleep, next to each other in my bed...where I can't move or roll over for the rest of the night.

He sleeps GREAT in mommy and daddy's bed!

Not too long ago I would have been perfectly comfortable to sleep all night cuddling with a sleeping baby (and I still love it for a short time), but pregnancy ruined my body. My lower back often hurts in the morning, when I lean forward (sitting to fold laundry kills me) or when I stay in the same position for too long, and my hips ache after sleeping on one side for an hour or two so I have to switch sides throughout the night. I do love cuddling with my sweet boy, but when I wake up tired and sore it's easy to get overwhelmed when my day doesn't go as planned or when Dean has a particularly fussy day and I'm not able to get everything I need done.

Overall I feel like I've adapted to being a mom pretty well...my life looks much the same, just busier, messier, sleepier and with less me time. I still keep up on the laundry pretty well and cook dinner almost as often as I used to (although most meals are simpler), my dishes are almost always done before bed, my hair and makeup are done every day and I get all of my errands run (although not always in one day or on the day I plan). Now I just have a little person to keep me company while I cook, clean, shower, shop...anything I do! Sometimes that little person is cute and happy and sometimes he isn't so happy to watch me work...he especially does not like to wait for me to shower and usually ends up fussy (sometimes screaming) before I am done. I do miss dinner and movie dates with Ryan (which have become very infrequent) and long hot baths, but we have a Redbox down the street and I still manage to shower regularly, so I guess it's okay.

He really is the cutest!

I feel like I'm doing well and succeeding at this mom thing until I mention I'm feeling tired or overwhelmed and am met with a response implying that my life is so easy so why am I complaining, or response of "just wait til he is crawling, walking, talking..." and then I'll know what hard is. I know things are going to change as Dean gets older, and my challenges will be different and maybe even harder. I look forward to watching him learn and grow almost as much as I dread it--it's hard seeing him grow up so fast. I also know that I do have a pretty good life: I am incredibly lucky to be able to stay home with our son every day and I really do love and appreciate that I have that opportunity, but can't I still have a bad day every once in a while?

I don't ever complain about my life as a whole, I just feel down sometimes and have days when nothing goes as planned, I have taken on more than I can handle or Ryan and I aren't getting along (yes, we fight sometimes). Those days are few, but they happen. I just would like a little validation and understanding; I'd like for my feelings to be recognized not dismissed. Sometimes I need to vent about things, small as they may be in the grand scheme of things, a teething, sick or just plain grumpy baby are all things that at this time are a big deal to me. I'm pretty lucky because Dean definitely laughs more than he cries, but I hate more than anything to see or hear my baby cry, so him being upset and me not being able to make it better is a really big deal to me. Fights over petty things with my husband are a big deal to me at that time even if they seem silly looking back later.

Even cute when he's grumpy

Those with infertility go through all different challenges, whether it be medical conditions, miscarriages, secondary infertility or just plain not getting pregnant. Treatment options vary from medication to invasive procedures. I've said before that nobody should judge or rate another person's infertility in relation to their own because it's all emotionally trying and painful no matter what you're experiencing. It's the same with life: we all have our bad days and our challenging days. Each of those challenges is difficult in its own way and we all struggle at times in our lives. I wish everyone could recognize that we all feel pain and stress differently but everyone struggles with something just the same. Those struggles are real and life is sometimes hard. We all feel like we are being pushed to our limit at times; what that limit is is different for everyone. Don't put someone down for their struggles just because you feel like they don't compare to your own because I guarantee someone somewhere in the world has it even worse than you do. Listen, be understanding and remember that if you want a friend to be there when you're struggling, feeling overwhelmed or facing challenges yourself, you need to be there when they are.

Our Little Hunk (Those EYES!)

August Adventures

We started the month off with a visit from Dean's grandma and grandpa Madsen. Ryan's dad actually showed up mid-July and stayed with us for two weeks. Dean got lots of good quality time with his grandpa--he jumped at the chance to hold Dean and offered all the time to hold him while I cleaned or prepped dinner, and even volunteered to babysit any time I needed to run an errand or had an appointment. I got a little spoiled--it was like having a live in nanny!

Dean and Grandpa Madsen

The last week of July Ryan's mom and brother arrived and Dean had another person in the house (grandma) to shower him with attention! The main purpose of this visit was Dean's blessing! Our sweet baby boy was blessed at our church on Sunday August 2 by his grandpa (Ryan's dad). Ryan held him and his two brothers-in-law, Clay and Justin, my great uncle Kenneth and our bishop stood in the circle. What a special boy we have with so many great men in his life to look up to (including my dad who was supporting him from the audience)! The blessing was so good and so special. Our boy is going to have such a full life and I know he has the ability to accomplish many great things.

Our handsome little man!

After church the family came back to our house for breakfast snacks in our backyard. In attendance were my parents, my sister Kim with her husband Flint and their children Bailey and Dylan, my nieces Kenzie and Brinlee, my great-uncle Ken and great-aunt Mellanie (here in Salt lake from Alabama serving an LDS mission), their visiting grandsons Connor and Matthew (my second cousins) my aunt Lisa and my cousins, Brooke, Jocelynn and Kayley, Ryan's parents, Ryan's sister Amber with her husband Justin and their boys: Jayden, Joshua, Austin, Avin, Jonathan and August, Ryan's sister Tricia with her husband Clay and their children Abby, Cannon and Lincoln, Ryan's brother Russell and cousin Kregg.

The proud families!

The next event in Dean's life was his first trip out of state. The following Friday, we packed up (including his cousin Kenzie) and headed to Idaho to visit Dean's great grandma Rogers in Rexburg. Ryan's mom and brother had gone up there after leaving our house earlier that week to stay with Ryan's grandma for a couple of weeks. While there Dean also got to meet Ryan's cousin Cameron and Aunt Cheri.

Overall, Dean travels well: he did great on the drive up and slept through the night the whole time we were there. He even let me play cards...as long as he could sit on my lap! He was a little needier than normal but he also had a cold so the poor boy could hardly breath out of his stuffy nose. His cold got worse throughout the trip too, which might be why he didn't do so good in the car towards the end of the trip (or maybe he just got sick of being in the car!)

A walk to the candy store and playing Shanghai

On Saturday we decided to go to Bear World first thing in the morning (which isn't as early as it sounds). Ryan's mom went with us, and even drove. For those who haven't been to Bear World, it's an outdoor park you drive through where black bears, brown bears and wolves, and elk, deer, buffalo and moose roam freely in 2 different sections. You really get to see the animals--especially the bears that the park is named for--up close. At the end there is a gift shop, petting zoo, some small rides and area where you can see the baby bears. Kenzie loved it! I skipped the petting zoo and rides to feed Dean out in the car (which I'm sure was his favorite part of the outing). We picked up a late lunch on the way home, then later went to get frozen custard and do a little shopping.

Bear World!

The next day was the big car day: Ryan, his mom, Kenzie, Dean and I spent the day in Yellowstone. Ryan drove, with his mom riding shot gun in her Sequoia and Kenzie and I rode in the backseat with Dean. First stop was Big Springs, which is usually a spot where you're guaranteed to see lots of fish so we came prepared to feed them. We saw 2 fish and a muskrat. But the area was beautiful so we took lots of pictures.

Beautiful!

Next we stopped for lunch, where I nursed Dean in a restaurant for the first time...it was a little tricky with the cover and nipple shield and the table in the way while I wrangled my wiggly, hungry baby, but we managed! He finished eating right as my food arrived and I put him in his car seat on the bench next to me. Sometime while we were eating Dean decided to let out all the poop he'd been holding in for two days. Luckily nothing got on the car seat, but I did have to change his outfit. It took a minute to get him cleaned up and changed (and get myself cleaned up), but soon we were on our way to our ultimate destination: Old Faithful.

We stopped a couple times along the way to see various animals in the fields by the road. By far the most exciting was a buffalo and her baby. We followed them, moving the car further up the road as they walked further across the field. We ended up getting out to take pictures of them crossing a river (don't worry, we were a very safe distance away).

Mommy and Baby

Kenzie was excited about some of the geysers we saw on the way, but Ryan refused to stop at any of the geysers until after we saw Old Faithful. We got there in the perfect amount of time--perfect for me and Dean that is. We had about an hour or so to kill waiting for Old Faithful's next eruption so we sat in a theater in the visitor's center and I nursed Dean. Just before the show started we left...we decided it was more important to get a good seat for Old Faithful than to watch a documentary about it. We found a good spot to sit and waited. Fortunately it went off a little early. I must say it was much more exciting as a kid, but Kenzie thought it was pretty cool.

Old Faithful and Kenzie making Dean laugh while we waited

Our next goal was to find a gift shop. Unfortunately it was a Sunday evening and they all closed early. So we drove on back towards the town of West Yellowstone. We did stop on the way to check out some of the hot pools, just so Kenzie could get the full experience. Ryan's mom volunteered to push Dean in the stroller so Kenzie, Ryan and I could rush ahead across a bridge to the top of the boardwalk. We looked at the steam, took some pics and headed back. We met up with Lynette and Dean on our way back down and hurried to get back on the road.

It wasn't long before Dean started getting fussy--not just a little fussy, but mad! We stopped and got him out of his car seat and took some pictures then loaded back up once he seemed happy again. But it didn't last and he was crying again in minutes. I had brought a bottle of pumped breast milk just in case so we decided to see if he would take it cold. He chugged down every last drop of the ice cold milk as we continued on our way.

Our Baby Dean

There was no shortage of gift shops in town! Kenzie was able to find a perfect souvenir for herself: a carved wooden puzzle box, as well as several small gifts to take back to her mom and sister. As we walked back towards the car we decided we should probably eat dinner since we still had a bit of a drive. We stopped at a little pizza place and sat at a picnic table outside so we could just pull Dean's stroller up next to the table. It started getting chilly out so I wrapped my nursing cover around Dean's head in an attempt to keep him warm. As we were finishing our pizza he started getting fussy again so I picked him up. That's when Kenzie noticed diaper blow out number two.

Dean bundled up during dinner, with a full diaper and changed and clean for the drive home

We rushed back to the car and again I stripped my baby boy and got him all cleaned up. I now had two bags of poopy outfits to clean when we got back to Ryan's grandma's. Luckily I had brought 2 changes of clothes for him: one in case of a situation like this and another in case it got cold. I put him in a long sleeved onesie, jeans and a sweatshirt, buckled him back into the car seat and again we were on our way.

Some pictures of Kenzie...just because she's so pretty!

Not for long though...Dean was not having it--he was mad! We ended up having to stop so I could nurse him again. While I nursed him Kenzie decided she had to pee. We told her that it would be a while still before we got to a gas station so if she couldn't hold it she had better squat in the trees. She wandered off then came running back saying she couldn't find a good spot. So Ryan walked her to a good private spot then came back to the car. A minute later Kenzie came running back saying she still couldn't do it. I think she might have been a little scared...it was starting to get dark and we were in the middle of nowhere. So for the third try, Ryan walked her into the trees to a good private spot then stayed where she could see him and just turned his back towards her. She finally did it! She peed in the woods for her first time!

Into the woods to find a place to pee

Once Dean was done eating I passed him back to Ryan so he could get him buckled back into his car seat. Ryan and Kenzie were riding home in the back seat, but Dean was still fussy so I ended up switching with Ryan minutes later. I laid my head on the edge of his car seat, rested my hand on his chest and played soft classical music on my cell phone for him. He calmed down and eventually fell asleep. It was a fun day trip, but after taking care of Dean all day I was extra tired by the time we got back to Ryan's grandma's house.

The next day we left. We got on the road later than planned because goodbyes with Dean take a little longer--everyone wants to soak up his sweet cuddles and smiles! We were on the road 10 minutes before Dean was fussy and grumpy again! I think the poor guy had just had enough of riding in the car. Ryan pulled over and I traded seats with Kenzie. With me next to him, Dean quieted down.

I fed him a couple hours later in a gas station parking lot while Kenzie and Ryan went inside to buy snacks. He ate from one side then when I switched him he started doing this thing where he would latch on then pull off and look up at me and grin. Then he'd latch, and turn to look at me and smile again. He did it over and over a few times before I gave up feeding him any more. He's done that again a few times since. Even though it's frustrating because he just ends up wanting to eat again within an hour, it's so dang cute that I just smile back at him and soak up the moment. Four months old and he's already teasing me!

We made it home and even I was relieved to get Dean out of his car seat! I decided we would spend the next day at home--I didn't want to make him go back in the car after 4 days of long car rides. It was a good thing I had nowhere to go because the next day Dean's cold was worse. He was still just really stuffed up, but I could tell he didn't feel good. He was fussy and just wanted to be held. I felt like I spent the whole day nursing him! He ate about every hour, but it was just because he was sick and wanted his mommy. So we sat home and cuddled on the couch all day.

Our poor sick boy!

Our next first was 2 weeks later: I took Dean and his cousin Brinlee to the zoo. I haven't been there for 2 years so I was pretty excited to go, but Brinlee was thrilled. She had so much fun and was so grateful. I loved watching her get so excited about not just the animals but the animatronic dinosaurs they have throughout the zoo. She wanted her picture taken with every dinosaur and I'm pretty sure we were able to do it! 

Brinlee and the dinosaurs

Dean was a trooper...he was so good! He didn't get fussy once and stayed awake the whole time! We spent 4 hours walking around and I think he just loved being outside. He's getting strong enough that he can sit up with help, so he rode in his stroller with the back slightly inclined so he could see everything (except for the times I used a thin blanket to shade him from the sun. I pulled him out of the stroller so many times to take pictures of him with Brinlee or myself and he seemed perfectly content with it.

Dean at the zoo!

Brinlee was really good too; she was very patient waiting for me to feed Dean after we are our lunches. Fortunately one of the restaurants is indoors so we got to eat and I was able to feed Dean in the air conditioning. It was a really fun day followed by a fun night with Brinlee who ended up sleeping over and spending the first half of Saturday with us.

We took lots of pictures...

Dean got lots of time in with cousins in August. We visited my youngest sister Kim and her two kids twice and Kenzie spent all but one weekend with us. She loves holding Dean and playing with him. She's determined to be his favorite cousin so she makes sure to give him lots of attention and spend lots of time with him. She's actually pretty helpful to have around. I now see how large distances between siblings would have some advantages!

Dean with Kenzie (helping with bath time and telling stories), Bailey, Dylan and Brinlee

Everyone says that time flies by when you have kids and it is so true! Before I knew it August was over and my baby was another month older. He's getting big so fast! It's amazing how much he has changed since we brought him home from the hospital 4 months ago!

I Can't Get Enough of This Baby

So many people complain about being parents and say how hard it is. When I was trying to get pregnant I constantly heard negative things about parenting...the talking back, the messes, the lack of sleep, the tantrums...people said things like, "Are you sure you want one of these?" when their children acted up, or, "Just wait until you have kids" as if to tell me that one day I'd see how horrible it was. I used to hate it. Hearing moms say things like that made me feel like they took for granted the one job I desired above all else. I would've given anything to be in their shoes and they acted like I was crazy to want what they had.

Well now I have that job I wanted for so many years. I'm four months into parenthood and even if it is different than life before baby, difficult or exhausting are never the first words that come to mind when someone asks me how it is being a mom. I don't even really think of it as a job. The truth is I absolutely love it! I love seeing him smile and watching him learn new things--I even like staring at him while he sleeps! I love dressing him and bathing him and feeding him and rocking him to sleep and reading to him and shopping with him--everything!!

What a quick trip to the store for a a few groceries looks like

I could say being a mom is the most rewarding job...blah, blah, blah, but really it's pretty fun too! Dean's a good kid and already makes me laugh with his noises and faces that he makes and his giggles and reactions. I love his chubby little cheeks, hands and feet, and oh my gosh-those big blue eyes! I'm completely crazy about this kid!

Mommy's Boy

Even though sometimes I look forward to bedtime (mostly because I can tell when my little guy just needs a good night's sleep), I still don't feel the need for a "break" from my baby...maybe when you wait so long for someone it makes you want to be near them as often as possible. For example he's still in our room and I'm dreading putting him in his own room. I do okay in the daytime with naps (because he's either in the same room as me or I can watch him on my video monitor), but at night I just want to keep him close. I don't even mind bringing him along on date night with Ryan (although I know that might change as he gets older and more disruptive).

Sometimes he likes to sleep with his feet elevated (top and bottom right)

I really just love being a mom! My days are not as structured as they once were...I don't always get to run all my errands or clean everything I want to, but that's okay because taking care of our growing little human is more important than mopping floors or having dinner ready on time.

The funnest things right now are his noises! We have a very vocal baby. He makes all kinds of sounds and it is hilarious. He yells and just looks so serious about it sometimes. He also laughs--his laugh is seriously my favorite sound in the world. Ryan and I can usually get him to giggle just by makings funny faces or noises at him.

Such a fun boy!

He's learning so much too. He mimics sounds sometimes. I was determined to make "mama" his first word so I would always say it to him. It worked...and kinda backfired on me; when he gets mad he cries or whines and says "mamamamamama" or just yells "mom!" It's pretty funny when he does it in front of people and they seem so impressed that he already says mama...well I don't really count it as a word yet: to him it's just a sound like "ba" or "la" or "wow" (yup he says that too). I'll count it when he knows what he's saying.

He is also learning to grab things, although he reminds me of those claw machines when I watch him try to get his hands to move where he wants them to, grab an object and then get it to his mouth--which is the part he's best at: anything he grabs goes straight into his mouth! He has also learned to splash, which makes bath time more fun...and messy. But it's worth it watching him kick his legs and flail his arms flinging handfuls of water everywhere!

He might look serious, but he sure seems to like splashing around (note the wet mirror)!

For the last couple weeks he's been so close to rolling over. Since he was tiny he has like to sleep on his side, so lately whether we put him on his back or tummy he manages to get to his side but always seems to have one arm in the way that keeps him from going all the way over. Well Wednesday afternoon he did it--twice--all by himself: he rolled from his back to his tummy and got stuck there until daddy rolled him back over. Even without rolling he gets around. Last week he somehow turned completely upside down in his bassinet twice in one night. He fussed and I reached over the side of the bassinet to put his binky in his mouth and felt fabric and feet instead of his face. He was swaddled in a sleep sack so it couldn't have been easy!

Playtime!

He's not sitting up by himself yet, but he sits well enough to sit in his high chair as long as he is strapped in tight. He will usually let me eat dinner if he is sitting at the table with us. He just likes to be included, and I enjoy having dinner with our little family all sitting together. He'll be eating with us in no time! In fact his pediatrician gave us the okay to start home on solids anytime in the next two months.

Head of the table

He's had his bad days too; the sound of him crying just breaks my heart and don't even get me started on his tears--it rips me apart to see tears on his sad little face! Even when we're both tired from a long night or day I still appreciate all the snuggles. I love that he knows us and that sometimes all he needs is mommy or daddy--I'm finally that person that can calm a baby just by holding him because I'm his mom!

Sometimes in the middle of the night he'll get fussy and all he needs is my hand to calm down a fall back into a deep sleep. I'll give him his binky and rest my hand on his chest; he hugs my hand close to his body and grips one of my fingers in each hand as drifts back off into baby dreamland. Sometimes my arm goes to sleep, hanging over the side of his bassinet, before he loosens his grip on my fingers enough that I can sneak my hand back.

He went to the doctor last week for his 4-month check up and shots. He is now weighing in at 13 pounds, 8 ounces and is 24.25 inches tall with head circumference of 42 centimeters. He is still on the skinny side, but his height and head are now closer to average. Doc says his gums are ready for teeth and if we want to start giving him some purees or cereal we can do that. He thinks a little food might help him from continually dropping on the charts in weight (even though he said he is still perfectly healthy, so whether or not we give him food is up to us).

Waiting for the doctor

Dean handled his vaccinations SO much better this time than he did at two months. He liked the oral one and only cried after he got poked (only 2 pokes this time) until Ryan put him in my arms and popped his binky in his mouth. He seemed to feel fine for the rest of the day--he didn't even flinch when I pulled off his bandaids or rubbed the injection site. He did take an afternoon nap, which is unusual for him, but I appreciated it. The next evening he had a small fever, but it was gone by bedtime. Overall a much more pleasant experience than the day of his 2-month vaccines when I heard so many of those sad cries!

Proudly sporting a couple of superhero bandaids!

I love this time in my life and even though we had fun before Dean I would never dream of going back to the way life was before! Four months has gone by so fast, and yet it already feels like forever. I'm so excited to take Dean on our first real family vacation: we're going to Texas for a week! I just love this kid so so much!

Growing so fast!

Dean Goes to the Doctor

Two Month Check-up

On July 1st, Dean had his 2-month check up with the pediatrician. I was excited to see how much he had grown, but scared to have him get his shots! I knew it was important, but I was dreading hearing his sad cry! It was so much worse than I expected! I've heard of two kinds of babies: those who don't cry at all and those who cry for a couple of minutes, but then are fine. Both types usually sleep a lot the rest of the day and might even spike a low grade fever--all normal and expected as their bodies build up those good antibodies. Apparently my baby doesn't handle pain as well as all those other babies.

The appointment started off great: Dean was so quiet and calm, stripped down to just a diaper, being weighed and measured and poked at. He weighed 11 pounds 4.5 ounces (25th percentile), was 23 1/4 inches tall (62nd percentile) and had a head circumference of 40.3 cm (84th percentile). The doctor said he was tall, skinny and needed that big head to hold his big brain, and he was completely healthy! He asked if he was smiling, cooing and gripping things (like our fingers), asked if he was eating and sleeping well and made sure I was giving him vitamin D supplement drops. He listened to Dean's heart and lungs, checked his grip, hip rotation, boy parts and soft spot then went over all his measurements and gave us instructions. He said between two and four months we should work on getting him to fall asleep on his own (which he already does at night and sometimes for naps). Then he asked if we had questions and told us a little about the vaccines.

Waiting to get shots

The pediatrician said in his career he had only seen one child come back with a reaction to a vaccine. That child broke out in hives, but did not require hospitalization and did not have any long term effects. He said the injection site might be a little red, warm and/or sore and a low fever was possible. Anything over 100.3 warranted a phone cal (in fact they want to know right away about any temperature over 100.3 for any reason in babies under four months). All of this eased my fears...even though I planned to get him vaccinated all along, all of the anti-vaccine propaganda filling social media lately had me a little nervous. The doctor even gave us a sample bottle of baby Tylenol and told us how much to give just in case Dean got a little fever.

Then the doctor left and the nurse came in with the shots. I made Ryan take my sweet baby over to the exam counter and hold him still while the nurse gave him the vaccines. The first one was a liquid in a dropper that she squirted into his mouth. He started crying then, which was unusual because he had always swallowed the gas medicine I give him at home with no objections. From there it just got worse. I sat in the chair, Ryan blocking my view, and held back tears of my own as the nurse jabbed my baby with three needles and he screamed. Ryan tried to console him after she was done, but he was too upset.

Baby's First Band-Aids

He put Dean in my arms, but holding him was not enough to comfort him. Maybe he sensed mommy's anxiety over his sad, scared cries. When the nurse left I decided to try and breastfeed him. He seemed like he might calm down, as he gulped milk and frantically grasped at my hand, but then he unlatched and screamed some more! Then he sucked for another minute and screamed for another minute, back and forth until we decided to just get him out of there! I got my crying baby dressed and in the carseat as quickly as possible. The gentle swaying of the carseat as Ryan carried it seemed to calm him down. I was so grateful to not have to carry a screaming baby down the hall and through the lobby of the pediatrician's office! Once we were in the car and on the road, Dean fell right to sleep.

In the elevator: look at those sad, teary eyes!

As soon as we got home, I fed Dean again then just sat and cuddled him while he slept. I felt so sad that my baby wasn't feeling well. Twice that afternoon when he woke up he would just scream and cry until I nursed him to sleep. I rubbed his legs while he slept, hoping to help with the soreness, and took his temperature several times. At 5:00 pm I finally decided to give my unhappy boy a dose of Tylenol for pain even though he never did get a fever. He must have been upset because his poor little legs were hurting; the Tylenol helped and I finally had my happy boy back! I gave him another dose before bed, just to make sure he could sleep, and by the next day he was his normal happy, alert self. Now that I know how he reacts to needles, I am really dreading the four month shots.

Sleeping on mommy

Really I just can't imagine my baby being four months old! I cannot believe we are already almost through his 3rd month--they really do grow up so fast. I don't want to miss anything. I often pick him up and hold him, when he is perfectly happy in his bouncer or swing, just because I want to. After his early morning feedings I put him in bed with me to sleep for another hour or two (bad habit...I know, but I love my baby cuddles!) I miss him when he naps and find myself checking on him all too often while trying to hurry and get some things done around the house. I know I am spoiling him in every way possible, but I cannot help myself.

Another Visit to the Doctor

W have been pretty lucky to have such a healthy baby. His biggest problem thus far has been the occasional baby acne breakout in his first 6 weeks of life, but we got a handle on that. I try not to bathe him more than needed because I don't want to dry out his sensitive skin. I use lotion only after baths so his skin doesn't become dependent on it. I keep his neck rolls dry and his face clean and that seemed to worked for us.

A few weeks ago Dean started developing a mild case of cradle cap so I started giving him baths every 3 days instead of 5, scrubbing his head with a soft bristled brush they gave me at the hospital; in a week it cleared right up. Unfortunately more frequent baths made what we thought was a mild skin irritation behind one knee much worse. He developed these really red areas on the backs of both knees, some dry patches on his legs and chest and even started getting a bumpy red rash on his tummy. I put Aquaphor on the red spots and dry spots and even tried using baby oil once instead of lotion after baths, but nothing seemed to clear it up completely. If I missed the Aquaphor for a day the areas would be right back to bright red again.

Poor Dean's rash

Then the insides of his elbows got bright red and those areas as well as the backs of his knees would weep fluid that would leave crusty spots on his skin. He had a dry red patch on his chest and more dry red streaks in the creases by his arm pits. I did some research and thought it was probably eczema. I bought Aveeno Eczema Therapy lotion and gave him a lukewarm bath with no soap, patted him dry and lotioned him up. My poor baby's skin looked mildly to severely irritated everywhere but his face, neck, back and diaper area. He had some bright red spots, lighter red dry patches and pink rough areas. There was a little improvement overnight, but not enough for my liking so I made an appointment with his pediatrician first thing that morning.

Waiting for the doctor...he's not too sure about this

I was a little worried how Dean would react to the the doctor's office, since the last time he was there just three weeks earlier he got poked, but he was perfectly behaved and even fell asleep in my arms waiting for the doctor (who was running behind) to come in. The doctor confirmed that our baby Dean has Eczema. He prescribed a steroid ointment (hydrocortisone 2.5%) to use on the really bad spots and also wrote me a prescription for some nystatin cream that I could fill to treat it if it didn't clear up with the hydrocortisone (which could mean it's a yeast infection) or if he got irritation in typically moist areas like his neck rolls or diaper area. He said eczema is often genetic so it's possible he could have flare-ups here and there as he gets older, but many babies outgrow it.

After just one application of the hydrocortisone we saw a noticeable difference and in three days the really red areas were completely better. I continued using the Aveeno Eczema lotion every morning to keep his skin soft and rash free and things were looking up. Our boy was healed and looking handsome in time for Pioneer Day (July 24)!

Our adorable boy on Pioneer Day (he slept through fireworks...again)

Unfortunately, it did not last. But I think I know now what caused his bad eczema breakout: the baby oil. I bought it hoping it would help hold the moisture in his skin after baths. The first time I used it was the night before his eczema got super red and starting weeping the first time, but it had already been getting progressively worse so I did not think anything of it. I used baby oil for a second time after his bath this last Sunday night. Within 24 hours he had horrible red spots again on the backs of his knees, insides of his elbows, creases by his armpits and one spot on his chest. In addition he had some dry, bumpy, pink areas on his chest and on his back. He had never had any breakouts on his back so that was my biggest clue: I had rubbed baby oil on his back the night before.

Sunday night before his bath and baby oil rub down...

24 hours later

Again I had to start treating poor Dean's eczema with his prescription hydrocortisone ointment. I gave him a quick wipe down with a damp wash cloth Monday night and treated the bad areas for three days with hydrocortisone ointment. Again he seems to be healed. He will continue to get daily Aveeno Eczema Therapy lotion rubdowns, which he has started to enjoy quite a bit, and I will probably only bathe him with soap once a week for a little while. No more baby oil for this baby though...good thing I only bought the travel sized bottle!

"Grandma thinks I'm Perfect" (I think she's right!)

The Boy Who Has My Heart

I am so in love with this fun, happy boy of mine! He has me right where he wants me (and he knows it): ready to jump any time he makes a little fuss! I mentioned previously that he will drop his binky and fuss over and over until I pick him up; now he will act all upset and cry to get me to pick him up. As soon as I pick him up he shuts right up, looks up at me with those big, blue eyes and smiles--as if to say "I get you every time!" The little stinker...he's just so damn cute I can't help but smile back and laugh a little to myself because at twelve weeks old (yes it has already been that long), he already knows how to work mommy.

My Little Distraction

The kid seems to have a sixth sense...any time I sit down to eat dinner or get on my computer (hence the lack of blogging in the last month) he gets grumpy and needs/wants to be held. He makes it hard to get anything done! In fact he was perfectly happy in his bouncer until I got on my computer today: he is fussing as I type right now. But he makes the saddest little face and I just can't ignore it! He's doing this new thing now where right before he cries he sticks out his bottom lip and puffs up his cheeks--it's the saddest face you've ever seen, buy it's actually pretty adorable (although we have yet to get a picture of the full face).

He's even cute when he cries!

It's not just the constant interruptions that make things like blogging, eating, working, paying bills, vacuuming, writing thank you cards, returning phone calls, cleaning toilets, or even getting myself ready for the day hard to accomplish, it is also the breastfeeding! I never realized just how time consuming it was. I kept wondering why it seemed like I could never get anything done during the day, then I realized that I spend about 3 hours every day sitting with a baby attached to my boob! That's almost half of a work day spent being a food source. He likes to take his time eating, so each of his six daily meals lasts about 30 minutes.

My Buddy Needs His Schedule

I have also wondered why I am so tired all of the time. Dean is still a wonderful sleeper; he goes to sleep between 8:30 and 9:30 pm and sleeps until about 6:00 am, when he wakes up to eat and get changed into a fresh diaper, then falls back asleep until 9:00 or 10:00 am. I get plenty of sleep so I shouldn't be tired. I've come to realize it's not the quantity, but the quality of sleep. Becoming a mother has turned me into an incredibly light sleeper. Ryan moves and I'm awake. Dean grunts in his sleep and my eyes pop open. In fact for a few weeks I was waking Dean up to feed him without realizing I was waking him up! He would start to stir a little so I assumed he was hungry and waking up. I would sit up, pick him up, change his diaper and nurse him. One night I stuck his binky back in his mouth instead and he was back in a deep sleep in seconds. I did this for two or three nights instead of getting him up to feed him and he stopped eating between 2:00 and 4:00 am and started sleeping through until 6:00.

This baby of mine has really put himself on a schedule. I feed him on demand, so whenever he is hungry. From the beginning he has wanted to eat every two to three hours and that has stayed pretty much the same as he has gotten bigger. At just a few weeks old he started getting grumpy if I kept him up past about 9:00 pm. That's when I realized that this babe of ours needs a bedtime to function better. He even puts himself to sleep...as long as he can see mommy or daddy. He wakes up at the same time every morning, eats around the same times every day and is ready for bed at the same time every night. This is perfect for me: I like a schedule!

Sleeping Dean is almost as cute as smiling Dean!

All Smiles

In the mornings, he wakes up happy and sometimes gassy: I get some of the best smiles from him right when he wakes up, but he goes back and forth between sad faces, grunting and kicking, until a little (or not so little) toot comes out them he's all smiles again for a few minutes, then frustrated and gassy, then happy. I get some really great smiling pictures in the mornings.

No matter how tired I am I always go to bed happy and wake up happy thanks to this little boy of ours. At night I feel like I could just watch him sleep all night. In the morning his constant smiles make me smile. He smiles so much now! Sometimes he gets these big grins on face where it looks like he is so excited he can hardly contain himself! I can't wait to hear him giggle all the time, but right now I just love watching him smile and coo! Some nights he will sit and grin and make little noises at us for five or ten minutes straight--it makes me so happy. He is seriously the cutest kid ever!

Morning Smiles!

He's hard not to love! Not even three months old and he is already so happy, energetic, social and observant. I can lay him on the couch or in his bassinet and he will just look around the room, completely content for the longest stretches of time (if he's in the right mood). It's like he is just taking everything in. He sees us from across the room now and will smile at Ryan or I from short distances rather than just smiling at whoever is holding him. He will sit in his bouncer and just kick and reach for the little hanging birds, sometimes smiling and grunting at them. He is talking more and more: lots of cooing, an occasional squeal and sometime random little yells. The other day he suddenly yelled "Da!" or something like that then proceeded to grin and coo at me for a good two minutes. It is so fun hearing that sweet little voice.

That Smile!

Dean will let just about anybody hold him and will smile at anyone who looks at him. He is a little camera shy and will often stop smiling as soon as I pull out my phone to take a picture, but I have still captured some great smiles. He really does smile so much--sometimes I even catch him smiling at the birds on his bouncer or smiling up at nothing while he lays in his bassinet kicking his feet around and making cooing and grunting noises. He also makes some fun faces and lately has started moving his eyebrows and sticking his tongue out, both of which are so cute!

Already a goofball!

Growing Up Too Fast

He's growing so fast it seems. I already had to pack up all his cute newborn outfits and some of his 0-3 month sized clothes. I am pleased he got to wear each one at least twice, but still sad to box them up after realizing they no longer fit. He is already wearing 3-6 month sized pajamas and doesn't have much room to grow in length in those. I had a really hard time transitioning him to bigger diapers, but clearly it was time; I was changing at least a blow out a day for a while. Now he's in size one diapers and they seem to hold everything in much better, even though they seemed a little big on him at first! (As I was writing this Dean was pooping...what do you know, a blowout!) At first I had to fold the top of the size one diapers down in the front and now they fit perfectly, but are getting smaller on him by the day. He'll be in size twos in no time.

Look how big the newborn diapers used to be (top left compared to bottom right in size 1s)!

My growing boy makes me happy and sad. I already get sad looking back at his newborn pictures and realizing how much he has grown! When we first had him home the newborn diapers looked so big on him and now size ones are looking smaller and smaller on his growing body. The newborn clothes that were once baggy are now too tightl. He used to look so tiny in his carseat and his bouncer but not so much any more. He's growing into and out of so many things! I had to remove the infant inserts from his carseat and his bouncer a few weeks ago and that made me sad. His little feet even hang over the edge of his nest co-sleeper in our bed so we had to move him to the bassinet, which is much bigger. He is starting to fill out and not feel so tiny and fragile in my arms anymore. I love seeing him hit milestones (like smiling and cooing and sleeping through the night), and I get so excited watching him become more aware and learn new things (like pushing his binky back in his mouth all by himself--as long as it doesn't fall far) but it's sad to see him growing so fast.

Getting So Big!

My Stylish Little Man

I am not just spoiling him with attention...I can't even go to Walmart without browsing the baby section and my new favorite stores are The Children's Place, Gymboree and Carters. The boy gets something new almost any time I leave the house! I just really love shopping for him. I never knew how fun little boy clothes could be. I absolutely love dressing him every morning! I get excited to put him in new outfits for the first time. I got so many cute outfits for him at my shower that it's not like he needs any more, but I keep shopping...I just can't help myself!

Some of my favorite outfits (I only bought 3...my friends and family have good taste!)

He is getting quite the little hat collection (including a new cowboy hat) and last week I bought him his first (and second) pair of shoes! I have also decided I love the little rompers. I bought his first one in St. George (plus he has some that were gifts he is growing into now) and I have bought him at least seven more since then. He is just so adorable in them! Plus they are nice and cool for summer. Even with all the attention and clothes, we have decided we are not spoiling him, we just really love him a whole big extra lot!

Since Independence Day was going to be his first big holiday I decided he had to have a patriotic little outfit! He had an adorable little romper and hat for Independence Day, that he wore for a party the day before, and a onesie that says "Mommy's Little Firecracker" that he wore on the holiday. He has another little patriotic onesie he wore this month and a little plaid romper and matching hat he wore on Pioneer Day on the 24th. I was hoping he would see his first fireworks on the 24th of July, but he fell asleep...again. We did fireworks on July 3rd and 4th and little Dean slept right through them both nights (thanks to his noise canceling headphones). Like I said, the kid knows when it's bedtime and bedtime comes before it's dark enough for fireworks!

Patriotic Baby (and matching mommy...yes I'm one of THOSE moms)!

Learning New Things

Dean has been really studying his hands and feet lately; he moves them around, watching intently and even hits himself in the head sometimes when he flings an arm up. He is constantly swinging his arms around, grasping his hands together and kicking his feet up in the air. It's only a matter of time before he starts grabbing his feet--I never thought I would be so excited for such small milestones! It is so much fun to watch babies discover new things and become more focused and aware. 

Just over a week ago our boy discovered something new: his thumb. Apparently it tastes great. In one day I caught him sucking it three times. I try to encourage the binky over the thumb because thumb sucking seems like a much harder habit to break later. Every once in a while though he will spit out the binky in favor of his thumb, or find his thumb in a restless sleep and soothe himself back into dreamland. I have to admit that it is pretty darn cute!

Our little thumb sucker!

That same week he started doing something else new: singing along with music. The first time I noticed it happening was in the car. I had music playing and he was in the back seat oooing away. I thought it was so cute how vocal he was being! As soon as I turned the car off and the music stopped, he stopped too. A couple days later he was sitting in his bouncer kicking and watching his birds. Behind him on the TV a movie had just ended. The end credits started to roll and music came on; little Dean starting making his little oooing noises again and continued non-stop until the music on the TV stopped. The third time was the sweetest: I was singing to him and he was looking up at me grinning and oooing along with me...melted my heart! I just love his sweet little voice. In addition to singing he also grunts himself to sleep when he is particularly sleepy; he moans and grunts, half asleep, as he kicks his legs up in the air. It's like he's voicing his displeasure at not being rocked to sleep by yours truly.

Sleeping Angel

The most exciting thing happened on Wednesday, July 22. Ryan was in bed with Dean propped up on his legs talking to him and getting him to smile and coo. I went downstairs to get a bowl of cereal and let Saisha outside. Suddenly Ryan started yelling at me. I thought he wanted me to bring him something so I yelled up the stairs back at him and he responded with, "He just laughed!" My baby laughed for the first time and I missed it. When I got back upstairs Ryan tried to get him to do it again, but Dean was not cooperating. All day I tried to get my smiling baby to laugh every chance I had, but I got nothing out of him but the regular smiles. That night I gave him a quick sponge bath with a damp washcloth and rubbed him down with lotion. He was smiling and cooing the whole time and suddenly it sounded like he choked on his little smile and he let out a giggle! I finally got to hear my baby laugh and it was the most wonderful sound I have ever heard! Today (Sunday) he laughed the biggest, best laugh yet--daddy is pretty funny to him!

The big smile after the laugh!

Love My Guys

I still love watching Ryan be a father. We are lucky because his job is flexible enough he can usually stay home with Dean if I have something going on. I started mediating again in the beginning of July. I had a mediation in downtown Salt Lake so Ryan spent the afternoon home with Dean. Boy did Ryan get a treat! Dean pooped about an hour after I left forcing Ryan to change his 3rd (I think) diaper ever (don't worry...he's changed more now). Ryan waited a couple of minutes to make sure Dean was done pooping before he opened the diaper. He took it off, cleaned him up then turned to throw out the dirty diaper. I guess Dean wasn't done, because he pooped all over the changing pad. It got all over him and his clothes! Ryan had to change him out of his onesie and take off the changing pad cover (he left the dirty stuff on top of the washer for me--it really was a lot of poo!) Then while trying to put a new shirt on Dean, he got one of his arms stuck in a sleeve for a minute and Dean got all upset. 

Both SO Handsome! I just LOVE this picture!

Ryan admitted to me that he understands why I have a hard time getting stuff done during the day. He said that he had a bunch of stuff he was going to do and was super motivated, then Dean had the diaper fiasco and was fussy; once he took care of him and held him and fed him a bottle, the motivation was gone. I came home to find my two favorite guys cuddling on the chair. Ryan had just gotten a fussy, hungry Dean to sleep and I had to wake him to feed him. I still wonder if the couple I was mediating for noticed my boobs getting bigger throughout the mediation--I was so full of milk by the time I got home that Dean practically choked on it. Even though I was only gone for 5 hours I missed my baby so much that I could hardly stand the long ride home on Trax! The few times we have left him I have missed him so much and been so anxious to get back to him.

Daddy Love

Even though Dean keeps me busy and I might miss out on some things here and there because I have to stay home with him, it is totally worth it. This adorable boy of ours makes me smile all the time. I cannot imagine life without him and am so perfectly content with our little family right now. I have never in my life treasured so many little moments and wished time could slow down more than I do now.

We all love our little Dean (even Saisha)!