The Reasons I am Sharing...

I have wanted to start a blog for a very long time, but always find myself so busy that I am afraid I will not be able to keep up on it. If you know me, I am a bit of a control freak and do not like to start a project unless I know I can finish it! After twelve long years I finally graduated from the University of Utah with a Bachelor's degree in Mass Communication last summer and just this week I finished a year long Graduate Certificate Program to become a Certified Mediator. With all that schooling done, I have a feeling I am going to have some more free time to do some of the things I love, one of which is writing.

 I have been very focused on our baby-making journey, especially since we decided to do In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Obsessed might be a better word than focused. I find myself searching for more information online (best and worst case scenarios, pregnancy symptoms, every little physical ailment and how it relates to my reproductive system, etc.) and thinking about it constantly. With all of the injections and pills and appointments to keep straight it is hard not to think about it. Not to mention all of the friends and family members with pregnancy announcements and new babies arriving. Sometimes I am shocked that I have not driven myself crazy yet! With all my focus in that one place I decided why not write about it.

Writing is like therapy for me. I am not very good at keeping a regular journal because I hate feeling obligated to write about my boring every day life. With such a fabulous camera on my cell phone, I feel like my day-to-day life is pretty well documented in pictures! However, when something big happens I do like to write about it. Dealing with infertility is that something big. It plays with my emotions and causes a great deal of pain in my life. Writing helps me work through that pain.

I bought a journal almost a year ago and have only written in it twice, but if you looked through the notes on my phone you would find dozens of entries of all lengths detailing how I am feeling and what I am thinking during the times I feel the worst emotionally. Writing those feelings down (or typing them into my phone) helps me get all of those emotions out so they don't bring me down into despair. Sometimes I even delete them later when I go back and read through them. It sounds bad to delete a journal entry about a time of darkness-even if it was a painful time it was still a part of my life-but for me deleting the note is like letting go of that negative emotion. Some of them are jealous writings about other people (usually pregnant ones) and when I no longer feel that jealousy I delete the note and let go of that negativity.

Throughout our journey through IVF I have been very open about what is happening every step of the way. I have not gone into detail about my emotions and deepest thoughts, but I have shared my experiences and test results on Facebook. In doing so I have found several others who have or are experiencing infertility. Some of them ultimately achieved a pregnancy and now have little ones, which gives me hope, and others are still trying. The ones who are trying are the ones I feel the most connected to right now. There are probably others who are going through what I am, but not ready to share. Those are the ones I really hope I can help by being completely open about what I am experiencing and how I am feeling. If I can give others hope or even share an experience they can relate to so they feel less alone then I have done what I intended to do.

Consider this my disclaimer: I will be blunt. I will be honest. I will be emotional. I might say some things that sting or maybe even shock some. I plan to share everything that I think or feel (or have thought or felt) along the way, so please don't be offended. If you disagree with me, that is completely fine and I respect your feelings and opinions, all I ask is that you also respect mine (even the ugly ones).