Parenthood
Parenthood is the first show on television that I have seen address secondary infertility. Although it is not something I really even knew existed before I started following infertility websites, I have found that it is quite a common problem. Secondary infertility is infertility after an unassisted pregnancy, or in other words it is when a couple struggles to conceive a child after already having become pregnant and given birth before. In season 2, the character Julia and her husband Joel (played by Sam Jaeger) have a daughter who is about 6 when they decide to start trying for a second baby. The show tackles several important topics relating to infertility throughout the season.
Early Frustrations: After four months of trying, Julia goes to her sister’s house where they open a bottle of wine while they decide where to go for a girls' night out. Julia comments that she will be drinking because she is not pregnant. She says that the worst part is that sometimes she thinks she is and gets all sentimental and hopeful that there is going to be a baby only to be heartbroken to find out there is no baby. Then she asks, “When did it get so hard to get pregnant?” to which her sister admits she doesn’t know because she wasn’t trying either time she got pregnant (always frustrating). The conversation is light, but still shows the frustration and pain that comes with not being able to become pregnant. Julia is still early in the process, but because pregnancy likely came easily the first time, I imagine it is very hard when it is so difficult the second time around.
Timing: Julia and her husband Joel are getting hot and heavy making out in bed first thing in the morning. She stops him saying that they can’t have sex yet because she will be ovulating within 48 hours, so they need to “keep that gun loaded.” This might seem like a little too much information, but it is so true of life when trying to conceive; the timing has to be just right and sometimes you have to go without to make sure you get an optimal outcome.
In the middle of their nephew’s birthday party, Julia tells Joel that she is ovulating. Then they decide not to wait until bedtime and hide in the master bathroom to start their baby-making early. The scene ends up slighlty comical: their sister-in-law walks in on them and then through the shut door brushes off their apology and tells them to keep on making that baby and even offers up her bed! I am glad that they showed that sometimes things get I the way of timing. I have taken ovulation tests on vacation and even carried ovulation strips and disposable cups in my purse if I was not going to be home when it was time to test. We have had to put other things in life on hold to have sex at just the right time hoping for the best. It can suck the romance right out of it, but can also be a little exciting.
The Tests: There is an episode that opens with Julia standing in the bathroom staring at her watch. She looks anxious and a little excited until she looks down at the plastic pregnancy test in her hand that reads “not pregnant.” Disappointment immediately washes over her as she takes an exasperated breath. So she goes downstairs and tells her husband it’s a no this time and suggests he gets checked out, since she just went to the doctor and everything was fine. The fish analogy to keep the real conversation disguised from their daughter who is in the room is something that I am sure any parent can relate to (excited Sydney thinks they’re getting an aquarium by the end of it). As always, the man is apprehensive about getting his little guys checked out, insisting that his “fish” are fine-athletic, and fast.
Next comes the fertility tests: first comes Joels. He has some trouble giving a sample and calls his wife for help. He is in the room with his pants around his knees (don’t worry…he is wearing boxers) complaining it is cold, there are these old Playboy magazines and it is just too weird. She offers phone-sex, but doesn’t know where to start and ends up just wishing him luck and hanging up…he is on his own (as he should be; I mean really, how hard can it be?) I obviously do not have personal experience with this area, however the first time Ryan had to provide a sample he was uncomfortable with the idea and chose to do it at home in the privacy of our own bathroom after which I rushed the sample to the lab. The other two or three (?) times, he has managed to get the job done at the doctor’s office just fine. He has admitted it’s a little weird and joked about the magazine selection though. I am sure it is weird and awkward, but still think they draw too much attention to the subject on television (as I just did too with this paragraph).
The Results: Later Joel gets the call that his semen analysis came back with good results. The show leaves out everything concerning Julia’s test. The episode ends with her sitting on the couch when Joel comes home with dinner. He sits down and she tells him that they got lab results back from her tests. She starts by saying it isn’t cancer, which implies she had a biopsy done, then tells her husband that she has intrauterine scarring, which will make it really hard (nearly impossible) to get pregnant. She starts crying and apologizing. He tells her it’s ok with tears in his eyes and just holds her while she cries.
I don’t like the way they skip over the testing-it is not even mentioned. She said earlier that everything was fine at her appointment, but to find scarring they would have seen something that was not right. To find scarring she would likely have had a sonohysterogram and then a hysteroscopy to take a sample of the tissue or a laparoscopy to get a better look. No matter what, there would be some uncomfortable procedures involved, but like so many other shows they act like she just went in for a blood test or a pap smear and they found this big problem.
I do like that she apologizes; I have often felt like I owe Ryan an apology because I feel like it’s my fault that we cannot achieve a pregnancy so he can become a father like he has always wanted. Deep down I know it is not my fault and that I didn’t cause this and I am not doing anything wrong, but I still feel somehow responsible because it is my body that doesn’t work right.
. . .
I will say that one thing this show does all too well is get emotional. I rarely make it through an episode without crying. I just wish they had put as much emotion into the infertility as they do into the adoption story that comes later. In the season finale, just two episodes after Julia’s test results, Julia’s sister-in-law discovers she is pregnant. Then the show skips ahead six months at the start of the next season. I wish they had put in a scene showing the emotion of Julia finding out her brother's wife is pregnant (by accident in this case). I think this is one show that could have shown that emotion in a realistic way.
I do love that when Julia and Joel find out they can’t have another baby they have a grieving period (albeit short) then started looking into adoption. I think it was a pretty natural transition and like that they didn’t jump right to surrogacy, like so many shows do. They try all different avenues of adoption and even find a birth mother who changes her mind after the baby is born (that episode really got to me). Eventually they end up adopting a nine-year-old boy whose incarcerated mother signed away her parental rights (I cried when they met him too). I think the show did a good job with the adoption story, but I don’t know how real it actually was, because I have never been through it. Overall I think they were pretty realistic in showing secondary infertility, but wish they had put a little more focus on it instead of coming back to it here and there throughout the season
Sex and the City
On Sex and the City (one of my favorite shows) Charlotte tries everything from acupuncture to IVF before eventually adopting. Although they do not go into detail about all of the specific tests and procedures on the show, I think they do a good job showing infertility in a more serious light. Sometimes the emotions seem a little cheesy and shallow, but the root of those feelings is real. For the character of Charlotte infertility is not a temporary problem or one that is brushed over in an episode or two. The show does a good job showing just how consuming infertility can feel, while also showing how life doesn’t stop because of it. Throughout the fourth, fifth and sixth seasons (and even the first movie) some important topics relating to infertility are brought up.
Pregnancy Announcements: Charlotte and her first husband, Trey decide they want to have children. She starts tracking her ovulation cycles and ends up basically obsessed with having a baby. She even starts decorating a nursery. In one episode she is upset over starting her period and shows up to meet her friends for lunch with a big box of tampons. She slams it down on the table and starts venting her frustrations, wondering if she will ever get pregnant. She tells her friends that in 3 months she and Trey have had unprotected sex 73 times and she doesn’t understand why, with all that perfectly good sperm she is still not expecting. I have felt like this so many times! I have tracked cycles and sex and I have even cried when my period started; it’s often a huge disappointment and painful monthly reminder of my shortcomings.
After Charlotte’s outburst her friend Miranda confesses that she is pregnant. Charlotte is upset by this and loses it. She cannot believe Miranda, who has a lazy ovary (meaning it does not produce eggs the way it is supposed to) got pregnant after sleeping with a man who only has one testicle (as a result of testicular cancer) one time. What is even more upsetting is that she plans to terminate the pregnancy. Charlotte stands up and storms out, taking her box of tampons with her.
Her reaction is a little extreme, but also understandable. Her friend got pregnant accidentally against all odds after having sex just one time and doesn’t even want to keep it. No matter what she does, Charlotte cannot seem to get pregnant, something she wants more than anything. She is tired and overwhelmed. It takes her a few days before she can even bring herself see her friend again. Once Miranda decides to keep the baby, Charlotte has found a way to be excited for her, which is something I have had to do more times than I can count. It is a bit of a process. Charlotte’s reaction is what I sometimes feel on the inside. It sometimes seems so unfair that friends get pregnant when they don’t want to without even trying, when I am doing everything I can to become pregnant and want it so bad.
Testing: After 3 months of trying, Charlotte decides it is time to do something and convinces Trey to get his sperm tested. Trey is very uncomfortable (as expected) with the idea of having his sperm tested. I think many men view problems with their sperm as a hit to their manhood so the idea of getting tested is intimidating. As it turns out his sperm is fine. After 5 months of trying-which sounds early, but Charlotte is 35-Charlotte undergoes fertility testing and finds out that she has high sperm antibodies (meaning her body attacks the sperm) and their chances of conceiving naturally are only about 15% (which is 13% higher than my chances).
My one complaint about the way they talk about testing on television is that they always seem to go into detail about the semen analysis and never say much about any of the tests women undergo. In a show like Sex and the City where it seems no topic is off-limits I am surprised they didn’t talk about the kinds of tests Charlotte had to do. They made it seem like she just had a blood test and learned she was infertile, when in reality the tests to discover antibodies is a little more complicated than that. I have not undergone this testing myself, but from what I understand it involves a semen sample and vaginal fluid sample as well as a blood sample. An antibody test is not usually the first thing they do so I am sure there were other tests done as well. They should have at least mentioned some of this.
Injections and IVF: Charlotte and Trey start preparing for IVF. They talk about the hormones, show Charlotte taking pills and getting one of her nightly injections (along with some bruising on her backside) and she even tells her husband she is sore from the injections. It was actually pretty realistic. In one scene they are fighting and she still brings him the syringe all loaded and ready saying that it is time for her shot. He asks if they have to do it that night and she tells him that they have to do it every night if they want to have a baby. Injections have to be timed just right, no matter what you’re doing or how you feel about each other at the moment. You have to set aside the time (and your frustrations) to get it done.
In one scene Trey expresses that he is uncomfortable with all of this and wants to just keep trying the “old fashioned way,” to which Charlotte tells him of all the infertility problems and successes of other couples in their building. He seems embarrassed by the fact that she is talking about their inability to become pregnant, but I found her actions very relatable. In talking about our own situation I meet people everywhere (friends and strangers) who have struggled to get pregnant or are having trouble now. I have also found many more people than I ever expected who conceived children or know someone who has through IVF.
Effects on Relationship: Eventually Trey decides that marriage shouldn’t be so much work and confesses that he would rather just live childless than go through all the trouble. Childless living is not an option for Charlotte who has even put their name on a list to adopt a foreign baby as a backup plan. His inability to do what it takes to become parents (as well as communication and intimacy problems) leads to their divorce. Even though Trey’s lack of emotion seems a little unrealistic (it always seems like she’s trying to make a relationship work with a man who doesn’t seem to have the ability to connect with any human-other than his cold mother) the strain of infertility on their marriage is realistic. Ryan and I have always been on the same page with our course of treatment, and I think overall it has brought us closer together, but I know that is not the case with all couples. Just like any struggle in life, infertility can be very trying on a relationship.
Charlotte tries to move on and even throws herself fully into planning a baby shower and helping Miranda baby proof her house. She seems fine then Miranda opens a baby shower gift that brings back memories of when she and Trey first started talking about starting a family and she suddenly runs out of the room in tears. Again, this is a relatable situation. I am usually fine, but I never know when something is going to get to me and cause a small emotional breakdown. Sometimes it is something someone says and other times it is something as simple as a commercial.
Natural Remedies: Charlotte ends up dating her divorce lawyer, Harry. When she tells him of her reproductive challenges, he says that they will just have to adopt. She becomes Jewish and they get married. Some time later, Charlotte runs into an old acquaintance: A woman in her 50s who is very pregnant. She claims after trying IUIs and IVF she finally started seeing an acupuncturist and just like that she was pregnant. Charlotte makes an appointment right away. I have known so many people who tell me they couldn’t get pregnant until they tried some herb or supplement or had some procedure done. I have tried some of the suggestions myself with high hopes of success, but unlike Charlotte I have never had any luck in achieving a pregnancy.
Miscarriage: After a few visits to the acupuncturist (and drinking all kinds of recommended teas), Charlotte finds out she is finally pregnant. She is over the moon and cannot seem to stop smiling. Then she has a miscarriage. She is devastated by it and decides she just can’t face everyone at Miranda’s son’s upcoming first birthday party.
A few days later, Harry goes to the birthday party alone. While home watching TV on the couch in sweats Charlotte is inspired by a documentary about Elizabeth Taylor. She gets up, gets dressed (in one of my favorite dresses from the series) and goes to the birthday party. I love this episode even though it all moves so quickly (in a 25-minute episode she goes from getting pregnant to getting over a miscarriage). She suffered a great loss and I wish the show would have let her have more time to grieve, but that is television. Overall I think it was good to show that infertility comes with some devastating disappointments. I am slightly disappointed that she did what everyone expects all women with infertility to do: suck it up, move on and live your life.
Fur Baby: Charlotte even ends up adopting a dog (that she names Elizabeth Taylor) with one leg that is shorter than the others. She feels connected to this dog, because she is “broken” in a way, which is exactly how Charlotte feels about herself. When the dog gets pregnant, Charlotte is angry with her, but ends up coming taking care of her when she has the puppies. In a way this dog (and the puppies they keep) ends up filling a void in Charlotte’s life. Dogs are not a replacement for babies, but I can’t believe how many couples with infertility have pets. I think having a dog or cat companion to watch out for and “mother” helps lessen the pain. I know Saisha makes me happy and I don’t know what I would do without her.
Adoption: Although they leave out a lot of the work in getting there, the series does end on a happy note. In the final scene Charlotte shares the news that after all this time she and Harry have been chosen to be the adoptive parents of a baby girl from China. It will still be a month or so before they get their baby, but we are left assuming Charlotte is finally going to get her happy ending (which is verified by the first movie, when that baby is a 4-year-old little girl).
. . .
I won’t get into the movie much, but Charlotte ends up pregnant in the first movie. She says that her doctor told her that sometimes it just happens. I do know of plenty of couples who have gotten pregnant after adopting, but I feel like in making Charlotte pregnant in the movie they brushed aside the infertility theme that in many ways defined her character in the series. The show also just reinforced the whole idea of “if you just relax it will happen” by having Charlotte get pregnant after giving up on the idea of becoming pregnant (which again, does happen, but it is rare).
I applaud the show for bringing some awareness to infertility. Compared to other shows, and the way they have handled infertility, I think Sex and the City does well. I am still surprised that with several shows talking about infertility a decade ago the topic has not been portrayed in more recent television shows and movies. I wish it was a more common topic just so people would know more about it.
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