Why Me?

Why me? When I ask that my first thought is always, "Because I can handle it." But what happens when I can't handle it anymore? What am I supposed to learn from this experience? I feel like I have stayed pretty levelheaded and kept it together, for the most part, through it all so far. I sometimes wonder when it will get to be too much, or if we will have a baby before it gets to that point.

If bad people didn't have babies I would think I'm somehow living my life wrong, but I know that's not the case. Everyone has babies-good or bad (as sad as that sometimes is!) Asking "Why?" is one of those things that I can ask until I drive myself crazy and I will never get an answer. It just is what it is and I can accept that or let it eat away at me until it destroys me.

Pregnancy and new babies are everywhere. Last night I was catching up on some reading (Us Weekly...celebrity gossip is a guilty pleasure), and I could not believe how many celebrities are expecting or have just welcomed new babies! I read the most recent issue then found all my old unread ones and read my oldest one from early June. I was shocked at how much pregnancy is in the (star) news! Not to mention all of the stories about star moms and children in the public eye (for example, baby Prince George just celebrated his first birthday and Brooke Burke has some new ways to get her kids to eat healthy). Pregnancy and babies are on television, in movies and in magazines...there is no avoiding it.

This is just from 2 issues...who knows what else I will find in the 6 I have left to catch up on!

I am glad I have learned to accept and deal with pregnancy around me because I think it would be completely exhausting (maybe impossible) to avoid pregnancy and baby announcements altogether. I've read blogs and Facebook posts about women dealing with infertility who block friends or posts on Facebook and avoid even family parties because it is too painful for them. I feel so sad for these women and the extreme pain they must feel. I myself cannot live in a bubble, so instead I choose to be happy for expectant and new parents. I still might avoid baby showers and 1st birthday parties if it's not for someone close to me.

I also still want to know about pregnancies...I don't want to be left in the dark. I appreciate that most of my friends and family don't try to "protect me" from their happy news and events. I will find out eventually and I think sooner is better. I might need time to process the news to be happy and I might choose not to attend a baby shower, but the choice should be mine. Where family is concerned I always end up thrilled (after the initial sting of the announcement) because a new baby in the family means a new niece or nephew for Ryan and I to enjoy. I love and treasure each and every one of our nieces and nephews (we now have SIXTEEN!!!)

More and more I have been thinking that I should ask the same question of "WHY?" about the good in my life too! (Those who know, know I always try to look on the bright side of any situation!) I might not think I deserve infertility, but do I deserve to have a good day at lunch with my sisters or a fun date with my husband when I'm in a bad mood or feeling negative? Probably not, but those are the things that can turn those bad days into good ones. In so many other areas of my life I feel so lucky and truly blessed: Ryan and I live in a house we both love in a great neighborhood (if only the landlord would sell!), have nice cars, are caught up on our bills, are able to do fun things, have a really great relationship with each other and we have a great dog who we are the world to (she will always be my first baby)!

When I go to the grocery store and leave with everything I want and need, something my family couldn't always do growing up (and I know not everyone is lucky enough to do), I am grateful to Ryan for working so hard for our blossoming little family. When we have quiet evenings alone together on the porch I am grateful for the time we have with just us. Every night I am thankful for my comfortable bed and my sweet little family sleeping next to me: Ryan and Saisha. Sometimes I wonder if I really deserve to have such a good life. Maybe it's not a matter of what I deserve, but just what is. Infertility is what it is and we can only do so much. I feel like we really are doing everything in our power and now it's just up to God. We just have to wait and see when and how we will become parents...I just hope we don't have to wait much longer.