A Lot of Hope and A Growing Baby

We got to have another ultrasound today. This one was so much more exciting than the first...our baby-who is actually starting to look like a baby-was moving all over the place wiggling his/her little arms and legs! Our baby is measuring nine weeks and one day (still a day ahead, that little overachiever). We saw the umbilical cord and got to hear the heartbeat again: a strong 165 bpm. And of course we took home another dozen pictures!

Our growing little baby!

The vanishing twin is now just an empty sac measuring 7 weeks. The doctor said this isn't a concern and that my body will continue to just absorb it until it's gone. He doesn't think it ever even developed enough to really consider it viable.

It's a little sad that this was our last appointment with Dr. Moore, but his job is now done. We have worked with him for over a year and he helped us to get pregnant, but now we have to switch to an obstetrician for the remainder of my pregnancy and the delivery. Our first appointment with my OB is next Wednesday. That will be another first for us; I've heard the first appointment can be lengthy, going over medical history and everything, but other than that I'm not sure what to expect.

We are so lucky that we got these extra ultrasounds we've had over the last few weeks. Most pregnant women don't get to see their baby until at least week ten and only get two ultrasounds their entire pregnancy unless something is abnormal or they are high risk. I'm nine weeks today and just had my second ultrasound. I look at the extra ultrasounds as our consolation prize for having to take the long, hard way to get pregnant.

Our baby's heartbeat: 165 bpm

One thing I wish I could've done was surprise Ryan with the positive pregnancy test. I always imagined I would take a pregnancy test at home then surprise my husband with a lunch date and a small wrapped gift with a little baby surprise inside. When you're trying to get pregnant with infertility you're together through it all-and you need to be with all the disappointments and heartbreaks that litter that road.

We also didn't get to come out and announce our pregnancy in a fun, cute way. I think we still could've done that, but it would've been a hard secret to keep until we made the announcement and I'm happy with the way we did things. By sharing our journey every step of the way we received an unbelievable amount of support and I am forever grateful for that and wouldn't trade the experience of being on the receiving end of so much love.

Maybe next time things will happen "normally" for us and I'll get to surprise Ryan and we'll get to announce baby #2 in a fun, creative way. I can always hope for a smooth road next time. If there's anything I've learned, it's that you can't lose hope. I feel like hope was what kept us going through this whole journey. I think if I had ever lost hope, we would've given up and then we wouldn't be where we are today.

Baby's lifeline...the umbilical cord

I've been wondering a lot about couples who choose to live without becoming parents; I wonder if they try until they're so exhausted that they can't hope any longer, or if they still hold onto a little bit of hope even though they're no longer actively trying or expecting to get pregnant. Or maybe it's not a matter of losing hope, but just of accepting reality. (On a side note, I don't like the term "child-free living" because I think most couples have children in their lives whether they're their own or someone else's.)

I'm glad we're finally getting our miracle baby. I know not all couples get their miracle. Really we are lucky we only had to do IVF 3 times...many couples go through treatments for years (and many get pregnant their first try). I'm also glad that we never had to make the decision as to when/if we should stop treatments.  

I've always felt I was meant to be a mother. Adoption has always been an option I considered, but I've always wanted to experience pregnancy and feel a baby growing and moving inside me. I feel like I'm getting everything I want! Even though I often think about what it might be like when we try to get pregnant again, and I do want more than one child, I feel like even if we only have this one I would still be happy with that.

For now I am looking forward to the more enjoyable and exciting parts of pregnancy. I cannot wait to start seeing changes on the outside (bring on the baby bump)! I'm also excited for the exhaustion and nausea to subside (and hopeful that it will). I'm feeling a little better since I started taking Unisom (1/2 a tab each night) and vitamin B (during the day). I didn't realize just how much the Unisom was helping until I forgot to take it Saturday night-I felt horribly sick all day Sunday (thank goodness for ginger tea!) I'm really just hoping everything goes smooth and we don't run into any more roadblocks before we get to hold our very own baby. I'm so grateful for this baby!

Growing a Human is Rough!

Who knew growing a baby would be so exhausting! In fact the last year with all of the hormones and treatments has all been pretty exhausting. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I just keep thinking that I'm going to have to go through all of this again-and I do mean ALL of it.

There's a chance that when we try for a second baby that we will be able to make it happen on our own, but likely we will have to do IVF again. That means months of medication and injection schedules in addition to the typical pregnancy symptoms. 

If we're lucky, we'll get pregnant on our our first or second try with one of our remaining 3 frozen embryos (2 are frozen together so we have to use them together) so we won't have to go through the misery of egg retrieval again, but there's no way to know for sure. It's crazy that I'm even thinking that far ahead right now, but it's always there lingering in the back of my mind. That's how being infertile makes me feel different: I don't just have to go through pregnancy again to have another child, but I'll likely have to go through a lot to get pregnant in the first place-it really is quite a process.

As far as pregnancy goes I know I've been pretty lucky so far. I am nauseous almost all of the time, but I have not actually thrown up (yet...although I've wanted to!) I dread showering because showers always make me more nauseous. I know it's the heat, but I've cooled my showers considerably from what is usual for me--if I turn the water any colder I'll freeze! I just keep reminding myself that it's all part of growing a human being!

I miss the first couple weeks of my pregnancy when all I wanted to do was eat and everything tasted so good! Now I get more sick when I'm hungry but the thought of eating always turns my stomach--I feel like I have to force myself to eat.

I am exhausted all the time (probably because I'm not sleeping well, which is likely contributing to my nausea) and I feel like a royal bitch most days (which my sister confirmed last night that I have been acting like one), but my family has been putting up with it. It's amazing what stress and exhaustion can do to your mood and how it can affect what comes out of your mouth! My doctor told me to take 1/2 a Unisom at night and 50 mg of vitamin B three times a day to help battle my nausea by helping me get a good night's sleep...it doesn't seem to be working well.

One reminder of my infertility process is the nightly progesterone injections I have to endure. I know I've complained about them before, but they really are a miserable experience and seem to get worse. Sometimes they are very painful and they have been leaving hard lumps, some numb spots and making me very sore (only 15 more shots to go! Yay!)

I keep wondering if it's normal to worry as much as I do. I worry if I feel too good for a day, I worry when my nipples aren't as sore as the day before, I worry when I get upset or stressed--I worry that any of these things means my pregnancy is going away. Today has been a bad day; I've been in bed feeling nauseous and tired most of the day...I'm not worried about my pregnancy at all today! I am worried that I may be coming down with a cold: my throat is very sore!

I'm not all negative these days though. I'm so excited for every appointment: one week until my next one. I look forward to every week--I am 8 weeks today; our baby is the size of a large raspberry and growing every day. I am SO excited for all the future pregnancy milestones (which I'm sure will bring more surprises, joys and miseries)! I'm also enjoying being able to relate to friends' pregnancy complaints on Facebook instead of being jealous of them. I feel like I'm part of a new little club of pregnant women. Sometimes it even feels like the past doesn't matter, all that matters is that we're all going to have babies within the next 7 months.

What's more exciting is that I recently found out that one of my friends who has also been struggling with infertility for years is pregnant and just 3 weeks ahead of me. She's my one pregnant friend who I feel like really understands what it feels like to want to be pregnant and have a baby more than anything and then finally get what you want. She's the one person who can agree that even if we feel miserable and complain, we still wouldn't want it any other way!

One or Two Babies

We had our viability ultrasound this morning. The first thing the doctor said when he looked at the screen was that he saw two sacs which means twins. But upon closer inspection he realized that one of the sacs was considerably smaller than the other and that he could only see a trace of an embryo in it. Even though I am 7 weeks today, the small sac was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days. What we likely have is a vanishing twin.

A vanishing twin is a twin that never really develops normally and is eventually just reabsorbed by the body. We have to go back in for another ultrasound in two weeks to see if the vanishing twin has actually vanished. There is a VERY slim possibility that it could continue to develop but that is very unlikely and it would actually be better for it to disappear sooner rather than later. If it continues to develop it would likely result in a miscarriage which could cause some minor complications for the healthy baby.

The other embryo is perfect! It measures at 7 weeks 1 day (a day ahead) and looks exactly the way a 7 week embryo should. The doctor said it is just a tad smaller than a kidney bean. He also said that with how good and healthy everything looks we only have about a 5% chance of a miscarriage (which eased my fears). They gave us a bunch of pictures to take home (at least a dozen)...I want to carry them around with me! We even got to see and hear the heartbeat-a healthy 140 beats per minute! 

Our healthy little blueberry!

We are so excited! One perfect, healthy, growing baby is such good news! I was a little nervous, excited and scared this morning, so I am happy to have gotten good news. I admit that I had kindof gotten my hopes up for twins, but knowing that we are only going to have one is a bit of a relief; two babies would have been a little overwhelming (of course if you know me you know I'm always up for a challenge). I'm a little sad that one of the embryos isn't going to make it, but I'm glad the other one is so healthy! I'm SO excited!!! I think it's finally feeling more real for Ryan too (the constant nausea has made it pretty real to me). I'm already getting excited to see what our baby looks like in another 2 weeks!

On Vacation: Sick, Sore and Sleepy

I have had plenty of opportunities to write something this past week but have chosen to nap instead every time! I actually just woke up from an hour (maybe 2 hour) long nap to finish writing this. I have had a busy couple of weeks! Busy and good that is. Last weekend I packed up my nieces and drove to Idaho with my mom (and my aunt's two dogs) for our annual family trip and we went to the State Fair in Blackfoot with my grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Mom, Me, Kenzie and Brinlee during our weekend in Idaho visiting Grandma

We drove home (luckily my aunt who hitched a ride home with us offered to do the actual driving) from Idaho Monday evening and Tuesday morning Ryan and I boarded a plane for Houston, Texas. As you can imagine, back-to-back vacations required a lot of packing, before and in between, so last week was pretty stressful for me. We are in Houston because Ryan and I have tickets to the Texans NFL season opener on Sunday (they play the Redskins)-our own little annual tradition (although this is a tradition that will likely change when we're parents). We will be here until Monday. 

 

Just my luck, all of those pesky pregnancy symptoms are starting to kick in on our vacation. Luckily our vacation has mostly consisted of visiting with Ryan's high school friends, (we did do something touristy-we went to the Museum of Natural Science today) so it has been fairly low key. Tomorrow will be anything but low key: we have a full morning of tailgating then the game (look for us on the 3rd row behind the end zone!) I hope I can keep up!

A few pics from the first part of our Houston trip

I had a friend email me recently (I've been meaning to email you back); she said to not feel like I can't complain just because I finally got something I wanted so bad. I keep thinking about that because I feel bad every time I complain-I did want this more than anything, so should I really be complaining now that I got what I wanted? She also said that pregnancy is the most wonderful and miserable experience ever! I think about what she said every time I tell someone I don't feel so great; I am definitely experiencing some of the miserable part.

I'm still waiting for the wonderful part. Right now I'm tired all the time, bloated to the point my jeans are uncomfortable (I had to buy some ponytail holders to hook the button through the loop) and I feel more nauseous every day. I do best if I make sure not to get too hungry so I've started carrying pretzels and granola bars in my purse and ordering sprite everywhere we go (since nobody seems to have ginger ale). And my boobs are finally sore-more specifically my nipples-they are super tender...like they've been chewed on or smashed. Deep down I'm grateful for all of these symptoms: I keep reminding myself that I feel crappy because my body is focused on making sure the little human(s) growing inside me is thriving.

I have an extra miserable experience to add to the list that most women don't have to go through: because I did not ovulate and conception did not actually take place in my body, I have to continue progesterone and estrogen (pill) supplements until the placenta is fully developed and can regulate those hormones for me. The progesterone injections are getting worse every day-I am SO sore from them and still have almost a month more to go (until October 1st). It hurts when my purse bumps my love handles and is uncomfortable to lay on either side (I'm a side sleeper so I've had to make that work). This week has been particularly bad-no dark visible bruises, but I've gushed blood three out of the last four nights and I definitely feel bruised. Ryan's running out of places to poke me with the needles!

Just so you can see what I mean by "gushed" here are paper towels from the first 2 nights.

Besides sick, I also feel a little guilty. First, because I feel like I should be more excited on the outside. Don't get me wrong-I'm very excited; in fact I (Ryan's been doing this too) have even told every waitress and checker that I'm pregnant and it might be twins. I want to tell EVERYONE! When I tell people though, it sometimes seems like they express more outward excitement than I do. It's hard to enjoy being pregnant when I'm worried about what might go wrong. I will admit that part of my laid back attitude is just because I'm simply exhausted and don't have the energy to be excited. The only thing on my mind is my pregnancy right now. Especially since I feel like I might throw up at any second most of the time...it makes it hard not to think about it!

The second reason I feel guilty is because of all of my friends who are still trying to get pregnant: I feel like I left them all behind. It's strange because I have felt connected to women struggling to conceive even if we weren't in contact regularly or had never met in person, simply because we had this shared struggle. Now I feel like I've left these friends behind, but I don't want to. I guess I just feel like they won't accept me any more. I feel like I'm disconnected from my infertile friends, but I also don't feel like I fit in with friends who never went through what I did to become pregnant themselves. Because I struggled for so long and wasn't able to plan my pregnancy or time it how I wanted I feel like my lucky fertile friends don't understand exactly what I'm feeling right now. I never expected to still feel so affected by my infertility after getting pregnant.

I do have a handful of girls who keep easing my fears-some of these girls are friends who struggled for years like I did but finally became pregnant and gave birth to healthy babies (some are just close friends who know how I've struggled emotionally). One said she was sure her baby wouldn't have a heartbeat at the first ultrasound, even though everything turned out fine. I can totally relate to that because after going through so many disappointments it's hard to imagine everything progressing normally and working out. It's nice to know that pregnancy was a little scary and not all happy and perfect, because I feel like it is a little scary. I can't wait until I can feel movements-I'm even considering buying a baby doppler so I can listen to the little heartbeats every day!

I thought I would be terrified of having a miscarriage for the first trimester, but I'm halfway through it and I'm not as scared as I thought I would be. I can't imagine that something that terrible could happen to us after everything we've been through. Overall, the best part is that I am actually pregnant (still feels weird to say that) and no matter what at least now I know that I can get pregnant. If we have to go through all of this again to get pregnant again in a few years then I feel like knowing I've done it once will make it easier the second time around. I really feel confident that it is going to work out for us this time. I can't wait to find out if it's twins next Wednesday!!