Thankful for 2014

With the year coming to an end and the next chapter in our lives fast approaching, I have been spending so much time reflecting on the past year and all the things I have to be grateful for. I have never done the 30 days of giving thanks in November or any of that type of thing, but I am sure I have 30 days worth of things to be grateful for. For now, here are some of the things I am most grateful for this year...

Modern Medicine

I have said it before, but I am so glad I live in the time that I do when we have things like IVF available so that women like me can have a better chance at becoming mothers. It is so amazing to think that life can literally start in lab and then be placed inside a woman's body to grow into a human. I am so grateful for science and doctors and their knowledge and inspiration.

Baby Kicks

It is such a relief to no longer have to worry so much about how the baby inside me is doing (and honestly, if he is still alive...yes, I have been that paranoid). He is now moving around and kicking like crazy and I am feeling it all--I love every second of it. I wake up eager to feel him move (usually breakfast gets him up and moving) and I lay in bed at night feeling him move around before I fall asleep.

I get so excited when he gets kicking hard that I like to sit with my hands on my belly and wait to feel him with my hands, or stare at my belly waiting to see a spot on my tummy twitch when he kicks. I want to experience it every way I can. Last night I even felt like he was playing with me: he would kick, then I would push back in the same spot and he would kick again. We did this back and forth four times before he stopped kicking me back.

The best kick all week though, was on Sunday: Ryan felt our baby boy kick for the first time! Ever since then he's been sitting by me and resting his hand on my belly as often as he can to feel it again, but our stubborn little boy sits still every time! Maybe Ryan has the magical touch to put him to sleep...guess we'll find out in a few months!

ONE Baby

Speaking of our baby, I am very grateful that we are only having ONE at a time! Ashley and Tyson Gardner, a young couple from Utah who also did IVF, just had quadruplets. The story of them finding out they were pregnant with four babies was in the news right around the time of our embryo transfer. Like us, they had transferred two embryos, hoping for one and maybe two babies. Their two embryos both split, resulting in two sets of identical twins (chances of this occurring are about 1 in 70 MILLION).

I have been following their story and recently started following their Facebook page (A Miracle Unfolding-Gardner Quadruplets). They have had complications and even a surgery. Just a few days ago their babies were born at 29 weeks (after Ashley spent over a month in the hospital being monitored daily). All four babies (and momma) are doing well, but they only weigh around two pounds each and all have breathing masks and tubes coming out of them as they spend their first weeks of life in the NICU getting strong and healthy. Reading about them has made me so grateful that we ended up pregnant with just one baby. The pregnancy is easier, the risk of complications is lower and chances are I will get to hold a healthy baby right after he is born and take him home with me just a day or two later.

A Baby BOY

I am so glad that our first baby is a boy for three reasons:

1. I get to give my husband a son and heir to carry on the family name. I know that sounds completely old fashioned, but I feel proud of that. Women in past centuries tried so hard to have sons and we did it on our first try. But don't worry...I still plan on him being a mama's boy (in the good sense: like he'll be sweet and cuddly when he's young and grow into a man who respects and loves his momma!)
2. Our other children will get to have a big brother. I was the oldest of three girls and always wished that I had a big brother to look out for me (even if that meant he picked on me sometimes too). Now our children will get what I always wanted and what Ryan's little sister is glad she had.
3. Our son is going to have so many other boys to play with! Cousins for our kids has always been a concern of mine. Growing up, all of my cousins were younger (most of them much younger) than me so I never had the experience of playing with a whole bunch kids at family gatherings (it was basically just me and my two sisters most of the time). Since we got off to a bit of a late start, both of my sisters and one of Ryan's are done having kids, another of Ryan's is close to being done and the last one will likely have a few more kids, but she lives halfway across the country (but hopefully not forever). The youngest kids in three of our sisters' families are boys under 3 which means our son will have boy cousins ages 3 year, 20 months and 11 months when he is born. Plus I have two friends who had baby boys in October and November and one friend due to have a boy a month after me, so our son will also have 3 friends within six months of him.

Our New Home

I absolutely LOVE our new house! We are completely settled in and it feels like HOME. It fits us so well (style wise) and has everything we wanted plus room to grow!. We have plenty of room for however many kids we decide to have (I'm thinking two right now, but I'm open. However, my limit is 4). We have space for family gatherings and a wonderful backyard for entertaining (we are already looking forward to summer), which is perfect because we love hosting parties with family and friends. I will let the pictures do the talking...

Our House covered in Christmas Snow!

Some shots of the backyard (taken in October)

Front Entry, Piano Room, Formal Living Room and Dining (Pool Table)

Main Floor Living Room and Kitchen

Basement Great Room and Bedrooms

Master Bathroom and Bedroom, Baby's Room (soon), Upstairs Hall

Family, Friends and Neighbors

Several times this month I have gotten surprise messages from friends just to ask how I am doing or say they are thinking of me. Most are not even friends I see or talk to much, but it feels so good to know they are thinking of me. Earlier in the month I got to have lunch with two girlfriends from high school. One has a baby who was born just before Halloween. She gave me a couple grocery bags full of infant and maternity clothes, which I am so grateful for. A neighbor also gave me a bunch of maternity clothes (I can't remember exactly how many, but it was something like 25 shirts, 4 dresses and  few skirts and pants) so I probably have all I need with the pants my sister bought me and I didn't have to spend a dime on any of them! This is one advantage to having my first after most friends have had their last.

We had a really good Christmas this year with each other and with our families. My favorite part of being with our siblings is watching their children interact with them and each other. I love seeing Ryan's sister with her youngest boy and what a sweet cuddly thing he is--I can't wait to experience that with our son.

I also adore my sisters' kids and have been trying especially to remind myself lately how young my sister's 8-year-old still is. She is still at that age where childhood holds a certain magic and the world is good and beautiful. She seems so grown up for her age until she comes up and just wants a hug and suddenly she seems so innocent and small (if you know her, innocent is not typically a word used to describe this strong willed girl, but really she is).

Our youngest niece Bailey is so fun and cute that I wish everyone could experience an afternoon with her. You never know what she is going to do or say, but she is always full of surprises and laughs. She is 2 1/2 so I think part of the fun is that she is at the age where so much is new to her. I am grateful for ALL of the children in our lives and I am so excited to see out little boy go through all these stages of life (but no too fast).

My sisters' kids playing in the snow on Christmas Day

I am so grateful that we moved onto such a fantastic street. We have the best neighbors and I hope none of them ever move! We live on a cul-de-sac with only four other houses and all four neighbors brought us Christmas treats. Two have stopped by on multiple occasions to say hi or let us know about events at church. Three of them came over right after (or even before) we moved in to introduce themselves and welcome us to the neighborhood. I feel so welcome here and for the first time I feel like we are part of a community. Maybe that is the difference between owning a home and renting a home, or maybe this is just how it is living in a cul-de-sac, either way we love it!

Saisha

It might sound silly, but for the last few years, each year she's still with us seems like a blessing. I am comforted by her snoring when she sleeps at night because I know that means she is still breathing. I can't count how many time Ryan and I have watched for the back of her chest to rise and fall when she has been napping silently.

My sweet baby girl will be 14 years old in April and she is definitely looking old! She's so white in the face now and spends most of the day sleeping. She still gets little daily surges of energy to play (she loves tennis balls) and she follows us around the house, but she enjoys her naps and bedtime is her favorite. She is so fun to watch in our yard; we have so much space back there and even in the snow she loves to run around the perimeter and check things out.

Around nine every night she starts to whine and doesn't stop until we go up to bed. Her most favorite thing in the world right now is the electric blanket Ryan got for her. She will lay down on any of her beds (she has one in each living room and a chair she sleeps on in the bedroom) and be perfectly content as long as she has her heated blanket!

Saisha with her cozy, warm blanket

 

My Hardworking Husband

I have a friend who has always wanted to stay home and raise a baby. Three kids later she is still a working mom. I am so grateful and feel so lucky that Ryan is able to do what he does and that he has been successful enough (so far) that I will be able to stay home with our baby when he comes. I love that I have that choice. I still want to work part time, but that is the joy of mediation: I can work as little as I want and mostly make my own schedule (allowing enough flexibility to meet the needs of my clients). Ryan's hard work is the reason I was able to finish school when I did and go back again to get my mediation training. I know how lucky I am and I do not take it for granted that I have the privilege of being able to do the job I want and still be able to stay home and raise our baby.

Ryan really does do so much for our growing little family! He started his own small business about two and a half years ago and since then that business has grown from about 7 employees to 30 employees. What started out as a scary venture has become a success because of his dedication, hard work and constant desire to grow and learn. He works 6 days a week and often spends 2-3 hours a night after work making phone calls or catching up on emails once he gets home. At our recent company Christmas party I had several employees go out of their way to tell me what a great boss he was and how much they enjoyed working for him. I could not be more proud! 

Even with all the energy he puts in at work he still comes home and helps me keep up the house. I can tell he really takes pride in our new house. It is no longer an unusual thing for him to vacuum, wash the dishes, clear off the counters or make the bed. He keeps our deck swept and clear of snow, the patio table wiped clean, checks the hot tub chemicals almost daily and raked and bagged the leaves in the backyard several times to make sure the lawn was bare before the snow came. He even picked up all the dog poop! With the snow, storms he has cleared the driveway and sidewalks throughout the day (he won't let me help at all, since I am growing our baby) and he has even been taking out the garbage any time it's full so I don't have to go out in the snow and cold. I am so lucky to have such a great man! 

I can already imagine our son following him around the house and yard, "helping" and learning from daddy's example. The other night when Ryan went out to shovel snow I was thinking that in just a few short years we will have a toddler eager to help shovel...I will have to take the time to get him all bundled up to go out in the cold and Ryan will have to patiently help him shovel. It will take longer to get the job done, but the father-son bonding time will be worth it.

Christmas Eve with the baby present from Ryan's parents

UPDATE: 23 weeks pregnant tomorrow! We had an appointment with my baby doctor today: everything is good. Glucose is holding steady on the high end of normal. Baby's heart rate is good (even though he kept moving away from the doppler). I am measuring right where I should be size-wise and our little boy is weighing in at about ONE whole pound! I on the other hand have now surpassed the 150 mark, weighing in at 154...I'm not sure how I feel about that. I have gained 12 pounds since our first appointment after getting pregnant (28 lbs. total since we started infertility treatments).

Looking Back to Last December

One year ago...

I had just taken what I thought was my last vacation before IVF. My sister and I spent 4 days in San Francisco and Napa where we toured several wineries, shopped and relaxed.

Ryan and I were planning for our first embryo transfer in January and I was thinking I'd soon have my first baby's birthday to celebrate in October along with my birthday and Ryan's and my anniversary.

We were playing Secret Santa to 2 little girls and daydreaming about shopping for our own baby next year and for every year after that.

I was anxiously waiting for my period to start so I could call the doctor and get us on the schedule for our first IVF cycle.

I was enjoying the Christmas season, celebrating what I thought was our last Christmas without kids, but I was focusing on our future. It was our year with Ryan's side of the family so we were in St. George the week of Christmas staying with his parents, along with Ryan's youngest sister and her family who were visiting from out of state. I was hopeful, and anxious. I was so busy looking forward to what was next for us, that I wasn't fully enjoying the present; I feel like I don't even remember a lot of last December, which makes me a little sad.

My period started just before Christmas and I was disappointed to find out that the IVF clinic couldn't get us in with our doctor until the end of February! I started on birth control pills (first step in IVF, to control my cycle) on Christmas Eve and would stay on them through the first week of February...I wouldn't even be starting on the hormone injections for another month. In the meantime I would get one more vacation...a big one: Disney World!

Now, one year later, we are about to celebrate another Christmas without kids, although this one really is our last! I'm trying not to shop for a baby who isn't here yet and I keep daydreaming about new family traditions and Christmases to come! (And a spring baby with an April birthday!)

I can't believe how different the last year was from what I imagined it would be. I really didn't think it would take THREE embryo transfers (and 8 months) to get pregnant and I never could have anticipated just how much the failed cycles would hurt emotionally. You would think I would know by now that life does not always go as planned. Looking back, I am thankful that it only took three!

One thing this year has in common with last year is the daydreaming. Now that a baby is definitely in our future the daydreams are much more real. I've been thinking about a lot more of the little details. This time next year our baby boy will be crawling and getting into things. My tree might be decorated a little differently, with ornaments out of reach of tiny hands. I might not have time to make all the cookies, fudge, truffles and sweets that I usually make for friends, family and neighbors every year. But we will get to play Santa for real in just a few short years!

This year I am still hopeful and looking forward, but I feel like I'm also taking the time to enjoy the season. I'm focusing on Ryan and I and on creating our own traditions instead of trying to keep up family traditions of the past with my sisters who have moved on with their own families.

Since Ryan and I will be spending our first Christmas in our new house alone, we are planning a quiet Christmas Eve at home where we will start our own family tradition (carrying on my childhood family tradition) of a bible story, a Christmas movie and the exchange of one gift before bed (unless we decide to take advantage of our last year as a twosome and break the rules by opening all of our gifts to each other...something we have done before!) Another little thing to enjoy: our last Christmas morning for many years to sleep in!

Merry Christmas!

Chinese Gender Prediction Chart

I had several friends who were confident that our baby was a boy before we made our announcement because I said in a blog post that the Chinese Gender Prediction Chart predicted that we were having a boy. The Chinese Gender Prediction Chart uses the date of conception (Chinese lunar month) and the mother's age (Chinese lunar age) to predict whether a baby is a boy or a girl. Most of these websites will allow users to enter a due date to estimate the date of conception, rather than having users enter the actual date their baby was conceived since many couples do not know the exact date they conceived their unborn child. I used my due date because I was not sure when in the IVF process our baby was technically conceived.

Example of Chinese Gender Prediction Chart

I know so many people believe in the Chinese gender predictions, and I also know several people who have used it trying to get a boy or a girl and have had it work for them. I have just two problems with it: First, how does it predict multiples? Even with fraternal twins it is very likely that they are conceived on the same day so how can boy/girl twins be explained?

My second problem with it is the conception part: when does conception occur? Conception is not exactly a scientific term so a clear answer is hard to find. in religious circles-especially in discussions of abortion-there have been arguments for years about when exactly conception occurs (when do an egg and a sperm start to become a baby?) I found three different explanations:

1.  Conception occurs at the time that the sperm fertilizes the egg
2.  Conception occurs when the fertilized egg travels to the uterus
3.  Conception occurs when the fertilized egg implants in the uterine lining

Really all of these are just the steps that happen in order for pregnancy to occur. So according to these definitions our baby could have been conceived at three different times:

1.  February: when our egg retrieval was done and my eggs were left to mingle with Ryan's sperm in a lab for two days to see how many would come together for fertilization (all 15 did).
2.  July: when we actually might have had sex (if we had naturally conceived) to get pregnant by the date our embryo was transferred (this is likely the month the gender charts I entered my due date into came up with).
3.  August: when our embryo was transferred to my uterus (August 11 to be exact) where it implanted some time in the next week.

No matter when our baby was conceived, my lunar age would have been the same: 33 years (even though according to our calendar I actually turned 32 this year, and was 31 during all of the months when conception might have happened).

With all of that in mind, I went through and used the Chinese Gender Prediction Chart (on several different websites. Here are two more: Chart 1, Chart 2) to see if they all said boy no matter which estimated date of conception I used. I found that if our baby was "conceived" in either February or July, the chart predicts boy. But if our baby was conceived in August, then the chart says girl. This would suggest that the Chinese do not consider conception to be at the time of implantation. It is still interesting though because if we had gotten pregnant naturally  (with my last period being July 23), it is possible it happened in the very end of July, but would have been more likely to happen in early August.

Here is where it gets a little tricky. Since the sperm cell carries the x or y chromosome that determines if a baby is a boy or a girl, the sex of a baby is actually already established when the sperm fertilizes the egg. If conception occurs at the time of fertilization, then according to the Chinese Gender Prediction Chart, all of our embryos are already boys. That does not make sense because that would mean that anyone who does IVF using embryos from the same egg retrieval would only have babies of the same sex every pregnancy. Don't make me talk about the Octomom again (six boys and two girls all born as a result of the same IVF attempt, so all conceived on the same day.)

I guess the only way for me to test this and see how accurate it really is would be to use the Chinese Gender Prediction Chart the next time we want to get pregnant, and plan for our embryo transfer to happen at the right time (by due date) for the baby to be a girl. If we do end up having a girl, then I will wonder if the predictions just determined by the ESTIMATED time of conception based on counting back from the due date rather than using the actual date of conception. If that is the case, then it would mean that every woman my age due to give birth on April 29, 2015 is having a boy (I'll see what I can find out in the hospital).

Really I just can't get past the fact that the sex of all of our embryos is already genetically determined, so no matter when they are put inside of me or when our baby or future babies are due they are already the sex they are going to be. For the Chinese Gender Predictions to be correct this would mean that conception happened back in February when my eggs were fertilized and all of our embryos are boys. That being said, I do not think that all seven of our embryos that survived to be transferred or frozen are boys (this includes the ones from our unsuccessful attempts). Although according to recent research, it is likely that most of them are (New studies suggest IVF is skewing the gender balance).

I think I might be overthinking this and getting lost in the science of it all. I doubt I will ever know whether or not it works for sure, but I am just superstitious enough to make sure we use the Chinese Gender Prediction Chart to time things just right to give our boy a baby sister someday. No matter what though, all of the superstitions and old wive's tales are fun and entertaining.

Just for fun I tested this out on my nieces and nephews (the ones born in 2006 or after). It was correct about half of the time: 6/10. Apparently 3 of our nephews should have been girls and one niece was supposed to be a boy.

Waiting

You would think after waiting this long to have a baby, that NINE months (actually, pregnancy is closer to TEN) would be a breeze...guess again! I feel like since we got our positive pregnancy test time has been crawling!

Usually the last three months of the year fly by for me with all of the holidays, parties and family events, but time is definitely not flying for me right now. I'm dreading the January thru Match stretch that always feels like the longest time of the year under normal circumstances: the streaks of freezing cold days, dreary skies (thanks to the inversion) and no big holidays (until Easter) while I wait for buds and birds at the first signs of spring and the coming warm weather.

I feel so anxious all of the time! My husband keeps telling me to enjoy the minor discomforts of pregnancy now (ligament and pelvic pain currently) because he keeps hearing about how uncomfortable the third trimester is. The truth is I'm excited for the 3rd trimester. I can't wait to be that much closer to holding our baby. Even though he will be all up in my ribs, making it hard to breath and sitting on my bladder while kicking my other internal organs...I think it will be so amazing to feel our baby inside me. I'm even excited to feel what his hiccups feel like.

Really I can't wait just to feel the baby move--really feel him and know I'm feeling the baby and not wonder if it's just my insides gurgling. I think I feel him sometimes. I'll be laying still and feel like a flick or a pop in my abdomen...like the feeling when a joint pops deep inside your neck or back. Throughout the day sometimes I feel a gentle tapping every once in a while--like a twitch from the inside. It's never enough to make me stop what I'm doing and know for sure that I just felt the baby though. I am so excited to feel that first real kick!

With all the hormones surging through my body right now, my anxiousness just makes me feel that much more emotional. I get irritated so easily and cry about minor upsets. I haven't felt any more emotional than normal until recently, but the irritability has been there for months. I don't know how to make myself feel less anxious; I just never thought the pregnancy part of waiting for a baby would feel so long.

I know I need to just slow down and enjoy each day because I will never have this exact experience again: pregnant for the first time after such a struggle, with no other children at home and a flexible schedule that allows me to relax and sleep when my body needs it. I try to count down to appointments and focus on how far we've come--on Wednesday I'll be halfway through my pregnancy and we will go in for our 20-week scan, which means we get to see our little guy dancing around in my belly again (even if I can't feel him yet). Still I can't help but count down to my due date: just under 5 months...20.5 weeks...144 days.

It's a...

After dinner and clean up we tallied up the the votes (29-Pink, 28-Blue) and cut our cake open in front of both of our families (minus the few who were not in town and could not make it...thanks to FaceTime some got to watch from other states). 

The secret is out...it's a BOY!

Our recent baby pictures

I haven't felt him move yet, but I am definitely aware of his presence tonight. After being on my feet for a lot of the day then eating a big dinner and pie, I feel especially large and my tummy feels heavy! I know it's only going to get worse...but I'm actually excited about my growing belly!

Thanksgiving Belly!

We are so excited! Now I'm not sure how I'm going to wait 22 more weeks to meet our little guy! But for now I can start shopping for baby!

Here is the video of Ryan and I cutting the cake (I wish we had a picture of the families' reactions!!):

Pink or Blue?

The time is finally here! I am far enough along for us to find out if the dancing baby growing in my belly is a girl or a boy! We actually could have gone in for an ultrasound two weeks ago (I am 18 weeks today), but decided that we wanted to make the announcement to our families on Thanksgiving. Knowing that this would be a hard secret to keep, we decided to wait until as close to Thanksgiving as we could to find out ourselves.

As I do with everything I have Googled all of the ways to tell if your baby is a boy or a girl. There are more ways than I imagined! With all of them I have gotten mixed results, so really who knows what this baby is! I keep thinking girl, but I don't know if that's just what I want interfering with what I feel (really, I think most women want a baby girl and most men want a baby boy). Honestly I have no idea what the ultrasound will show! Here are some of the old wives' tales and what sex they say our baby is:

• Carrying High or Low? High means girl, low means boy. I am not showing enough to tell where I carrying! I also am not sure what constitutes as high or low since I have never experienced this before. (I also have not mixed my pee with Draino or picked up a key...if you don't know about those ones, look them up).
• Baby Girls Steal your Beauty: if you have acne, it's a girl. If you have dry hands and feet, it's a boy. Of these I have only had the acne (hands have been a little dry the last week, but that always happens to me when the weather turns cold), so we must be having a GIRL.
• The Mayan Test: if your age at conception and the year your baby was conceived are both even or odd then it's a girl. If one is even and one is odd, it's a boy. I was 31 when this baby was conceived in 2014, so it must be a BOY.
• Heart Rate: Under 140 beats per minute means it's a boy, over 140 bpm means it's a girl. Our baby's heart rate has always between about 150 and 165, so that means this is a GIRL.
• The Pee Test: bright yellow urine means boy (I also think it means you've been taking your vitamins) and dull yellow urine means girl. My pee is very bright so it should be a BOY.
• Cravings: if you're craving sweets, it's a girl, if you're craving salty snacks, it's a boy. I crave sugar from the time I wake up, usually starting my day with a bowl of Fruit Loops or Honey Nut Cheerios. I am not usually a chocolate girl, but right now I LOVE chocolate. My only cravings so far have been banana cream pie, cinnamon rolls and rice krispy treats. This means GIRL.
• Sleep Position: if you sleep on your left side you are having a boy, right side, girl. I've always been a left side sleeper for the most part and still am in pregnancy so this means I'm having a BOY.
• Morning Sickness: if you feel queasy in the first trimester, it's a girl. If you feel just fine throughout your pregnancy, it's a boy. I felt very queasy in the first trimester (fine now though) so that suggests, GIRL.
• The Chinese Calendar uses your birth date and the date of conception (or due date) to determine if you will be having a boy or a girl. It even boasts 50% accuracy (no kidding, right?) According to this, we are having a BOY. 
• Headaches: if you are having headaches you are having a boy. If you don't have headaches, you are having a girl. No headaches here, so that means GIRL.
• The Ring Test: this can be done by tying your wedding ring to a string and holding it over your pregnant belly. If it goes in circles, it's a boy, if it goes back and forth (side to side), it's a girl. We did not do this. I have done it in the past though (not over a pregnant belly of course). In high school some friends and I used a pencil hanging from a threaded needle and held it over each other's wrists to see what our future held. Over mine it went in circles then stopped, then back and forth, then stopped, then back and forth again before stopping completely. This should mean I am to have a boy and two girls. Years later Ryan and I did this with his sisters using a pendant on a chain and I got the same results. So if this myth holds true, our first baby is a BOY.

If you're keeping count that's 5 for GIRL and 5 for BOY. As you can see, there is really no saying without seeing what appears on the ultrasound. I will post an ultrasound picture (or two) sometime Friday (after we tell our families tomorrow night), so check back for an announcement about whether we will be decorating in Pink or Blue!

Worries and Risks

I'm starting to realize that IVF has not in fact made me more paranoid than most pregnant women, pregnancy does that all on its own. In recent weeks I have talked to friends, read message boards and noticed Facebook status updates about all kinds of worries from pregnant women. Most of them are first time moms, but some have been through pregnancy before and still have concerns. Some of those are:

• If I am emotionally stressed can that hurt my baby?
• Can my baby sense fear?
• Is it normal to not feel pregnant in the second trimester?
• Shouldn't I be able to feel my baby by now?
• I felt a flutter yesterday and today I don't feel anything....is my baby still okay?
• How hot is too hot for a bath?
• Is it okay to exercise?
• Will tight pants hurt my baby?

These don't even include the many comparisons I have seen from moms whose second pregnancies are not progressing the same way their first ones did. For me it has been comforting to see that others share my worries and even worry about things that have never crossed my mind (like jumping jacks causing early labor--months early labor).

This has been a hard month for me because other that my small chubby tummy (that really looks more like I overate than a baby bump) I don't feel pregnant anymore. It's still too early to feel the baby really move and I have not had an ultrasound in five weeks--which is our longest wait in between ultrasounds so far! Our next scheduled one is not until the 20 week mark (I am 17 now), but we have decided to go to one of those fetal photo studios some time in the next week to find out our baby's sex. I cannot wait to see our little one again...just to make sure he or she is still growing and moving around in there!

I admit I have been giving myself more reason to worry by looking up possible complications and common risks associated with IVF pregnancies (I know...Google for me is just as dangerous as WebMD for someone with a headache!) I found out that there were risks involved when I first started researching IVF; the most common risks being preterm labor and low birth weight. I don't care how early our baby comes or how tiny baby is, as long as he or she is healthy, so those are not extremely major concerns for me. In the last few weeks I have learned more about why IVF pregnancies are considered higher risk than naturally conceived pregnancies.

It all started about a week after my first appointment with my OB, when her nurse called to tell me that my urine sample showed elevated glucose levels, but it was contaminated (not a "clean catch") so I needed to come back and take another. Two urine samples later (thanks to my high positioned urethra, which apparently is common, the last urine sample was by catheter--which was a very uncomfortable experience) my glucose levels were still elevated. Elevated glucose is a sign of gestational diabetes so my doctor ordered a glucose blood test. For this I had to go in, drink a super sugary drink then wait an hour for them to draw my blood. This test is commonly done at around 28 weeks, but I took it at 15. Luckily everything came back normal.

I found out along the way that patients who become pregnant through IVF are at an increased risk of developing both gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. I started to wonder why. Then I started to wonder why any of the pregnancy risks were higher for IVF pregnancies. What I found is that the risks have more to do with the infertility factor and reasons couples used IVF in the first place than with the procedure itself.

Gestational Diabetes

This is a risk commonly associated with older moms and pregnancies of multiples (twins, triplets, etc.), so maybe IVF pregnancies are more at risk for GD because they also carry a higher risk of multiples and IVF is common among women over 35 trying to conceive.

Preeclampsia

Again, this is a condition that appears to have more to do with maternal age than with IVF in general. That being said, pregnancy in women over 35 is considered higher risk with or without IVF and older moms are often encouraged to see a doctor specializing in high risk pregnancies, like a maternal fetal medicine doctor.

Preterm Birth (before 37 weeks)

Most know this is common in multiple pregnancies, but even singletons are twice as likely to be born prematurely when IVF is used to become pregnant. Doctors don't know exactly why this is the case, but studies suggest it could be due to the hormones women take before embryo transfer playing a role in how the embryo implants, increased monitoring causing doctors to take a baby early because of the foreseen risk of a possible complication or maternal factors (cause of the infertility, maternal age). Likely it is a combination of several factors.

Premature Labor

Causes of infertility play a huge role in this. Uterine defects such as fibroids and scarring can cause poor intrauterine growth and lead to premature labor. Endometriosis and pelvic adhesions can restrict uterine growth, leading to premature labor. Because these types of conditions make it difficult to get pregnant, women with these conditions are more likely to use IVF, so it makes sense that the risk is higher in IVF pregnancies.

Low Birth Weight

Again nobody seems to know exactly why low birth weight is a risk with IVF pregnancies. Low birth weight is another common risk among multiples and multiples are common with IVF, but even IVF singletons have a slightly higher chance of low birth weight compared to naturally conceived babies. Some studies suggest it could have something to do with the ovarian stimulation that occurs before egg retrieval (but that would only impact fresh transfers) and other studies think it might have something to do with how long the embryo grows in the culture (2-3 days vs. 5-6 days) before it is transferred to the woman's uterus. The common conclusion seems to be that more research is needed.

As you can see I did not really get very many clear answers. All I know for sure is that there is a possibility that our baby might come early because of my past uterine polyps, uterine fibroids, and endometriosis (basically my uterus has had issues inside and out!) So far our baby has been growing and developing just fine, and even a few days ahead. For once, my Google research has put my mind at ease. Now if only Google could tell me if we're having a boy or a girl! I admit I am starting to get a little anxious...

Boobs and Sleep

I had a strange experience yesterday morning: I had just washed my face and was about to straighten my hair when I noticed a wet spot on my nightshirt. Naturally, I figured I must have splashed some water on myself while rinsing my face...until I touched the spot and realized it wasn't wet, it was dry. I had put my pajamas on just before crawling into bed the night before, so I knew I didn't spill anything.

Then it occurred to me: my boob leaked during the night! (TMI?)

I thought I was still too early in pregnancy for this, but I guess not. Hopefully this a sign that I have super boobs capable of producing plenty of food for my baby.

Speaking of boobs, I've accepted the fact that mine might hurt for the next year or more. I thought they were supposed to feel less sore in the second trimester but mine still hurt quite a bit...achy, stinging pain. Attempting to sleep without smashing my sore boobs is just one of several obstacles to my getting a good night's sleep. But at least I'm not still sick! I do still have my days when my tummy feels a little off--for example I did not feel great today--but I've felt worse.

Thankfully, so far nothing in pregnancy has compared to the misery I felt just before egg retrieval (extreme bloat, stomach aches, night sweats, ovary pain, excessive urination). I get the occasional night sweats, but never more than once in a night and episodes are few and far between. And of course I still wake up twice a night to pee.

I do wish I slept better. I understand that sleeping lightly during pregnancy might be my body's way of preparing me for the sleepless nights ahead of me once the baby comes, but does my body really need to prepare for 9 months? I feel like the last trimester when I'll be physically too uncomfortable to sleep well should be preparation enough! On the upside, if I'm too exhausted I can usually plan time for a nap (for now) sometime in the day-even if it's just 20 minutes (which is just enough to make me realize just how tired I am).

Light sleeping could also explain my dreams. I have very vivid dreams--and multiple dreams each night--that I remember when I wake up most mornings. I know that people dream every night, but those dreams are only remembered upon waking when they happen during lighter sleep cycles. I've always thought of dreams as brain workouts: a way to exercise my imagination without effort. I don't think pregnant women have more vivid dreams than not pregnant women; I think pregnant women just remember their dreams in more detail because they are sleeping lighter.

Maybe it's not all just the hormones to blame for making pregnant women emotional either; maybe it's the sleepiness. I might blame pregnancy brain on exhaustion as well. Add the lack of good sleep to the fact that your body is exhausting lots of energy growing a human being and it's a recipe for disaster. I think even most men can agree that they too are moody and not as sharp when they are tired. Try being tired for 9 months. And then years after as these tiny humans wreak havoc on your life...explains mom brain too.

<disclaimer: these are only my opinions and rambling theories...I did no research and have no scientific evidence to back anything in this post>

The Month of October

Good things happen in October.

First, I was born in October, which means my birthday comes in October every year.

To make the month even better, Ryan and I got married in October four years ago.

Lastly, Halloween, which is one of my favorite holidays, is in October and celebrated all month long.

I love dressing up (although this year I didn't have the energy to do much)!

Another plus is that October is when Fall really rolls in. I love summer, but there's something comforting and cozy feeling about fall. It's also beautiful: the mountains start to look colorful when the leaves change and the air feels so crisp. I love fall colors and cool weather clothes (although I hate snow and winter).  

October is also the beginning of what I consider the holiday season: the season of Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. For me this is always an especially magical time of year because I met Ryan right before Thanksgiving. This time of year holds special memories of first dates, getting to know each other and meeting each other's families. 

December 2008

This year more good things happened in October. For one, I am now finished with my first trimester and feeling less nauseous. Our big recent news though, is that we bought a house; a gorgeous house! Which means we moved. In fact, we moved ON our anniversary this year so we didn't do much celebrating. I have had so much going on and between packing and moving and cleaning the old house that I haven't had much down time that is spent doing anything other than napping (which is why I haven't posted anything new in weeks).

I feel like so many new things are happening for us and I love the direction our lives are headed! Next October we will celebrate 5 years of marriage and our first year in our own house, with a 6-month old baby in our arms!

I'm excited that I am starting to show a little baby bump (although if you didn't know I was pregnant you might just think I was packing on some extra pounds to stay warm this winter). I am still somewhat relieved when the doctor says everything looks great and I love hearing our baby's heartbeat! I will be 15 weeks pregnant on Wednesday, which means I'm out of the scary zone where a miscarriage could be a major concern (which is good for my mental health).  The baby is all done developing and for the next few months will just be maturing (and growing some more).

My baby bump at 14 weeks

I have been experiencing a couple of uncomfortable pregnancy and IVF side effects. Just this week I have been getting ligament pain in my tummy. I didn't think it would hurt so much! I have had a little cramping and then sharper pains in my right side (reminiscent of the pain when I had to have my appendix out) that don't go away; last time it last for two days. I felt better in the mornings and then worse after moving around, which was hard because I had lot of moving around to do last week with last minute things to move and cleaning to do at the old house.   

As for the lingering effects of IVF, every night I get sharp, stinging pains in my back where I used to get my nightly progesterone injections. I call them "phantom shot pains" since they usually start firing up around the time I used to get my shot. It seriously feels like bee stings and sometimes catches me off guard...so if I unexpectedly grab my love handles in pain, that's why.

We are counting down the days until we find out if this little one is a boy or a girl...I keep calling the baby a she, but I feel like we have only discussed boy names. I can't wait to find out and start buying cute little outfits and things! We will know the sex by Thanksgiving and plan to tell our families that night!

Baby Madsen at 12 weeks

From Infertility to Pregnancy

Pregnancy has turned me antisocial. I hide out in my room and avoid contact with people whenever possible. Being social just feels exhausting right now. With all that alone time I should be writing. But I'm not. I've slowed way down on my blog recently. Here are the 3 reasons why I think things have changed:

1. I'm too tired to come up with anything to say. I never realized just how exhausting pregnancy would be.

2. I've been pretty busy with my house full of people and with packing. Yes you heard me-packing! I haven't shared the news publicly yet because it didn't seem real, but we are buying our dream house! We close in less than a week. Which means I will probably be writing even less for a while very soon.

3. I'm just not sure what to write about. When I started writing about infertility I never thought about how my blog might change or what I would write about once I got pregnant. Infertility became a part of my identity and with my pregnancy I feel like part of my identity changed.

My infertility is still not cured. I know it might be just as challenging to get pregnant a second time. I also know that there's a slim possibility that this might be my only pregnancy I ever experience it. On the other hand, if endometriosis truly is my only obstacle, this pregnancy could be healing enough that I get pregnant right away next time. The truth is there is no way to know for sure. 

I feel like I should still be addressing each post from an infertility standpoint. I know we have lots of people out there cheering us on and celebrating our success with us, but I also know what it feels like to be envious of the success of others and cry when a friend gets pregnant. I don't want to be the person who hurts a woman's feelings by always talking about how happy I am to be pregnant. I hope my success can give others hope, but I know that what they take away from my story is up to them.

I keep reminding myself that my blog is called "The Road to Baby Madsen" and pregnancy is part of that road. Really this is my blog and I can transition it into any kind of blog that I want it to be. I'm not ready to be a "mommy blogger" though--in fact, I have never wanted to be a mommy blogger.

For now I still don't feel like an ordinary pregnant woman. I probably never will. I don't feel like my pregnancy is more or less important or special than anyone else's, it's just that after trying for so long to get here I still feel injured somehow. I feel so fragile and think about our baby constantly. I count down the days to doctor appointments when we get to see our baby or hear the heartbeat to make sure she's still there-that this pregnancy is still real. I'm sure there are moms and other pregnant women out there who can relate. Because of all of these feelings I am not ready to let go of the infertility part of my blog.

Even though I write about pregnancy most of the time these days I still remember how painful certain experiences used to be. For example I went to a baby shower for a friend a couple weeks ago and had fun. It was the first time I wasn't fighting back tears or feelings of envy while trying to celebrate a mom and baby. Even Ryan could see how comfortable I was there.

I have had 2 friends announce pregnancies on Facebook in the last month and both times I've thought about how that might have made me want to push away from them in the past. I'm so excited to be expecting with them that instead of pushing away I have daydreams about how being pregnant together and having babies within a few months of each other is going to bring us closer together (which it hasn't actually...yet). When I heard those announcements though my first thought was how that news would've killed me 6 months ago. I don't think most pregnant women associate baby announcements with pain, but anyone who has ever struggled to get (or stay) pregnant can probably understand.

I do still have some infertility topics that I did not get to write about before I got pregnant. I even have a couple of blog posts I started writing but never completely finished or posted. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if I write a lot about my pregnancy you can still expect to see some posts about crazy feelings and fears rooted in my infertility experiences. I don't think I'm going to relax until I'm holding this baby in my arms.

No More Shots

On Tuesday night, Ryan gave me my last shot while my sister and nieces watched hoping to see me bleed (morbid, I know...but for some reason the kids get excited when my injection site gushes blood). I bled a little, but nothing compared to the spray of blood that shot out of me the night before (with no one watching). My nieces love watching me get my shot-mostly 7 year old Brinlee-and beg their mom to let them stay up to see it every night. I can't wait to watch them get their flu shots so they can get a glimpse of what I've been going through!

My last shot!

In 9 months (with a combined total of about 4 months in breaks), I gave myself 93 shots in the stomach and have been given 90 shots (mostly by Ryan) in the lower part of my back. We've had to take the shots with us sometimes because giving them at the same time every day can be a challenge. I have given myself shots in an attorneys office in front of another mediator, in a courthouse parking lot, in a church bathroom, in a cabin in the woods and in my car in my sister's driveway. We have both given me shots in numerous hotel rooms, Ryan's office, and bathrooms in the homes of friends or family members. Sometimes Ryan couldn't be there, so my sister or my mom had to fill in. As I've said before, they sometimes bled and caused bad bruising and the progesterone shots always made me sore.

Needless to say, I'm grateful that the shots are over. But a part of me is scared to stop the shots and pills. It's hard to trust that my body is going to produce these hormones on its own when it hasn't always been very reliable with matters of reproduction in the past. We had our first appointment with our new OB yesterday so I mentioned this to her. She assured me that my body and the baby would get the job done. She also said that they really don't know if women even need the progesterone supplemented that long, but they recommend it to be safe. In other words I probably would've been fine to quit the shots sooner, but it's better to err on the side of caution.

I feel super lucky because we also got to see our baby on an ultrasound AGAIN at our appointment yesterday! We've now seen our tiny human 3 times in the last month (not to brag or anything)! The little one's heartbeat is still holding strong, right around 145 bpm, which she said is perfectly normal and still healthy even though it's slightly lower than at our last ultrasound (of course I asked). In the picture below you can see the baby's tiny arms (which he/she was moving all around) and the umbilical cord.

Our Baby (whose face looks a little creepy in this pic)!

After the ultrasound our doctor had to rush downstairs to deliver a baby. It's so great that we will have our baby (and recover after) in the same building that we see our doctor in for regular appointments. As she pointed out it makes it easy to check on patients who are in labor in between appointments and be able to step out for deliveries without having to leave the building or drive anywhere. It might delay her appointments from time to time, but in a few months it will be me she is rushing to see take care of in the delivery room.

While she delivered the baby, a nurse gave us a goodie bag full of samples, brochures, coupons, a few magazines and even a book about pregnancy. She went through some educational material with us and answered some questions. She gave us a number to call if we ever want to know if a medication is safe or if any food or ingredient is okay to eat. It's great to have a resource other than just my doctor (or the Internet) for little questions between appointments.

The contents of my goodie bag!

Next they sent us to the lab for blood work. They drew 7 vials of blood! I can't believe they need that much for various things-that might be the most blood I've ever had drawn at one time. They also made me pee in a cup (easy when you're pregnant and have to pee all the time anyway!) I'm not sure as to all of what they test for, but I'll update everyone on the boring details as soon as we get the results.

By the time we were done in the lab our doctor was back from the delivery. We went back to our room and waited for her for just a few minutes. Lastly she did a Pap smear on me and answered some questions and we were done.

I really like our doctor. Her name is Dr. Alison DeSano. She is young, very energetic and seems like a fun, happy person. She went over what's normal and what's not (basically when you should worry). She took her time with us and made me feel at ease. Even with the delivery happening in the middle of our appointment I was still happy with our visit. I felt like we really got a good idea of how things work in the clinic/hospital. I also heard rave reviews about the cafeteria from several staff members as well as Ryan (I had my appendix out at that hospital so he's eaten there before).

I'm so excited for all of our upcoming milestones. I keep having "what if" thoughts, but push them out of my mind because I can't imagine we could have any more bad luck after all we've been through. Overall I have a pretty positive outlook...I feel good about this and really think everything is finally going to go our way. I still can't believe that a little living creature is growing and moving inside me!

A Lot of Hope and A Growing Baby

We got to have another ultrasound today. This one was so much more exciting than the first...our baby-who is actually starting to look like a baby-was moving all over the place wiggling his/her little arms and legs! Our baby is measuring nine weeks and one day (still a day ahead, that little overachiever). We saw the umbilical cord and got to hear the heartbeat again: a strong 165 bpm. And of course we took home another dozen pictures!

Our growing little baby!

The vanishing twin is now just an empty sac measuring 7 weeks. The doctor said this isn't a concern and that my body will continue to just absorb it until it's gone. He doesn't think it ever even developed enough to really consider it viable.

It's a little sad that this was our last appointment with Dr. Moore, but his job is now done. We have worked with him for over a year and he helped us to get pregnant, but now we have to switch to an obstetrician for the remainder of my pregnancy and the delivery. Our first appointment with my OB is next Wednesday. That will be another first for us; I've heard the first appointment can be lengthy, going over medical history and everything, but other than that I'm not sure what to expect.

We are so lucky that we got these extra ultrasounds we've had over the last few weeks. Most pregnant women don't get to see their baby until at least week ten and only get two ultrasounds their entire pregnancy unless something is abnormal or they are high risk. I'm nine weeks today and just had my second ultrasound. I look at the extra ultrasounds as our consolation prize for having to take the long, hard way to get pregnant.

Our baby's heartbeat: 165 bpm

One thing I wish I could've done was surprise Ryan with the positive pregnancy test. I always imagined I would take a pregnancy test at home then surprise my husband with a lunch date and a small wrapped gift with a little baby surprise inside. When you're trying to get pregnant with infertility you're together through it all-and you need to be with all the disappointments and heartbreaks that litter that road.

We also didn't get to come out and announce our pregnancy in a fun, cute way. I think we still could've done that, but it would've been a hard secret to keep until we made the announcement and I'm happy with the way we did things. By sharing our journey every step of the way we received an unbelievable amount of support and I am forever grateful for that and wouldn't trade the experience of being on the receiving end of so much love.

Maybe next time things will happen "normally" for us and I'll get to surprise Ryan and we'll get to announce baby #2 in a fun, creative way. I can always hope for a smooth road next time. If there's anything I've learned, it's that you can't lose hope. I feel like hope was what kept us going through this whole journey. I think if I had ever lost hope, we would've given up and then we wouldn't be where we are today.

Baby's lifeline...the umbilical cord

I've been wondering a lot about couples who choose to live without becoming parents; I wonder if they try until they're so exhausted that they can't hope any longer, or if they still hold onto a little bit of hope even though they're no longer actively trying or expecting to get pregnant. Or maybe it's not a matter of losing hope, but just of accepting reality. (On a side note, I don't like the term "child-free living" because I think most couples have children in their lives whether they're their own or someone else's.)

I'm glad we're finally getting our miracle baby. I know not all couples get their miracle. Really we are lucky we only had to do IVF 3 times...many couples go through treatments for years (and many get pregnant their first try). I'm also glad that we never had to make the decision as to when/if we should stop treatments.  

I've always felt I was meant to be a mother. Adoption has always been an option I considered, but I've always wanted to experience pregnancy and feel a baby growing and moving inside me. I feel like I'm getting everything I want! Even though I often think about what it might be like when we try to get pregnant again, and I do want more than one child, I feel like even if we only have this one I would still be happy with that.

For now I am looking forward to the more enjoyable and exciting parts of pregnancy. I cannot wait to start seeing changes on the outside (bring on the baby bump)! I'm also excited for the exhaustion and nausea to subside (and hopeful that it will). I'm feeling a little better since I started taking Unisom (1/2 a tab each night) and vitamin B (during the day). I didn't realize just how much the Unisom was helping until I forgot to take it Saturday night-I felt horribly sick all day Sunday (thank goodness for ginger tea!) I'm really just hoping everything goes smooth and we don't run into any more roadblocks before we get to hold our very own baby. I'm so grateful for this baby!

Growing a Human is Rough!

Who knew growing a baby would be so exhausting! In fact the last year with all of the hormones and treatments has all been pretty exhausting. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I just keep thinking that I'm going to have to go through all of this again-and I do mean ALL of it.

There's a chance that when we try for a second baby that we will be able to make it happen on our own, but likely we will have to do IVF again. That means months of medication and injection schedules in addition to the typical pregnancy symptoms. 

If we're lucky, we'll get pregnant on our our first or second try with one of our remaining 3 frozen embryos (2 are frozen together so we have to use them together) so we won't have to go through the misery of egg retrieval again, but there's no way to know for sure. It's crazy that I'm even thinking that far ahead right now, but it's always there lingering in the back of my mind. That's how being infertile makes me feel different: I don't just have to go through pregnancy again to have another child, but I'll likely have to go through a lot to get pregnant in the first place-it really is quite a process.

As far as pregnancy goes I know I've been pretty lucky so far. I am nauseous almost all of the time, but I have not actually thrown up (yet...although I've wanted to!) I dread showering because showers always make me more nauseous. I know it's the heat, but I've cooled my showers considerably from what is usual for me--if I turn the water any colder I'll freeze! I just keep reminding myself that it's all part of growing a human being!

I miss the first couple weeks of my pregnancy when all I wanted to do was eat and everything tasted so good! Now I get more sick when I'm hungry but the thought of eating always turns my stomach--I feel like I have to force myself to eat.

I am exhausted all the time (probably because I'm not sleeping well, which is likely contributing to my nausea) and I feel like a royal bitch most days (which my sister confirmed last night that I have been acting like one), but my family has been putting up with it. It's amazing what stress and exhaustion can do to your mood and how it can affect what comes out of your mouth! My doctor told me to take 1/2 a Unisom at night and 50 mg of vitamin B three times a day to help battle my nausea by helping me get a good night's sleep...it doesn't seem to be working well.

One reminder of my infertility process is the nightly progesterone injections I have to endure. I know I've complained about them before, but they really are a miserable experience and seem to get worse. Sometimes they are very painful and they have been leaving hard lumps, some numb spots and making me very sore (only 15 more shots to go! Yay!)

I keep wondering if it's normal to worry as much as I do. I worry if I feel too good for a day, I worry when my nipples aren't as sore as the day before, I worry when I get upset or stressed--I worry that any of these things means my pregnancy is going away. Today has been a bad day; I've been in bed feeling nauseous and tired most of the day...I'm not worried about my pregnancy at all today! I am worried that I may be coming down with a cold: my throat is very sore!

I'm not all negative these days though. I'm so excited for every appointment: one week until my next one. I look forward to every week--I am 8 weeks today; our baby is the size of a large raspberry and growing every day. I am SO excited for all the future pregnancy milestones (which I'm sure will bring more surprises, joys and miseries)! I'm also enjoying being able to relate to friends' pregnancy complaints on Facebook instead of being jealous of them. I feel like I'm part of a new little club of pregnant women. Sometimes it even feels like the past doesn't matter, all that matters is that we're all going to have babies within the next 7 months.

What's more exciting is that I recently found out that one of my friends who has also been struggling with infertility for years is pregnant and just 3 weeks ahead of me. She's my one pregnant friend who I feel like really understands what it feels like to want to be pregnant and have a baby more than anything and then finally get what you want. She's the one person who can agree that even if we feel miserable and complain, we still wouldn't want it any other way!

One or Two Babies

We had our viability ultrasound this morning. The first thing the doctor said when he looked at the screen was that he saw two sacs which means twins. But upon closer inspection he realized that one of the sacs was considerably smaller than the other and that he could only see a trace of an embryo in it. Even though I am 7 weeks today, the small sac was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days. What we likely have is a vanishing twin.

A vanishing twin is a twin that never really develops normally and is eventually just reabsorbed by the body. We have to go back in for another ultrasound in two weeks to see if the vanishing twin has actually vanished. There is a VERY slim possibility that it could continue to develop but that is very unlikely and it would actually be better for it to disappear sooner rather than later. If it continues to develop it would likely result in a miscarriage which could cause some minor complications for the healthy baby.

The other embryo is perfect! It measures at 7 weeks 1 day (a day ahead) and looks exactly the way a 7 week embryo should. The doctor said it is just a tad smaller than a kidney bean. He also said that with how good and healthy everything looks we only have about a 5% chance of a miscarriage (which eased my fears). They gave us a bunch of pictures to take home (at least a dozen)...I want to carry them around with me! We even got to see and hear the heartbeat-a healthy 140 beats per minute! 

Our healthy little blueberry!

We are so excited! One perfect, healthy, growing baby is such good news! I was a little nervous, excited and scared this morning, so I am happy to have gotten good news. I admit that I had kindof gotten my hopes up for twins, but knowing that we are only going to have one is a bit of a relief; two babies would have been a little overwhelming (of course if you know me you know I'm always up for a challenge). I'm a little sad that one of the embryos isn't going to make it, but I'm glad the other one is so healthy! I'm SO excited!!! I think it's finally feeling more real for Ryan too (the constant nausea has made it pretty real to me). I'm already getting excited to see what our baby looks like in another 2 weeks!

On Vacation: Sick, Sore and Sleepy

I have had plenty of opportunities to write something this past week but have chosen to nap instead every time! I actually just woke up from an hour (maybe 2 hour) long nap to finish writing this. I have had a busy couple of weeks! Busy and good that is. Last weekend I packed up my nieces and drove to Idaho with my mom (and my aunt's two dogs) for our annual family trip and we went to the State Fair in Blackfoot with my grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Mom, Me, Kenzie and Brinlee during our weekend in Idaho visiting Grandma

We drove home (luckily my aunt who hitched a ride home with us offered to do the actual driving) from Idaho Monday evening and Tuesday morning Ryan and I boarded a plane for Houston, Texas. As you can imagine, back-to-back vacations required a lot of packing, before and in between, so last week was pretty stressful for me. We are in Houston because Ryan and I have tickets to the Texans NFL season opener on Sunday (they play the Redskins)-our own little annual tradition (although this is a tradition that will likely change when we're parents). We will be here until Monday. 

 

Just my luck, all of those pesky pregnancy symptoms are starting to kick in on our vacation. Luckily our vacation has mostly consisted of visiting with Ryan's high school friends, (we did do something touristy-we went to the Museum of Natural Science today) so it has been fairly low key. Tomorrow will be anything but low key: we have a full morning of tailgating then the game (look for us on the 3rd row behind the end zone!) I hope I can keep up!

A few pics from the first part of our Houston trip

I had a friend email me recently (I've been meaning to email you back); she said to not feel like I can't complain just because I finally got something I wanted so bad. I keep thinking about that because I feel bad every time I complain-I did want this more than anything, so should I really be complaining now that I got what I wanted? She also said that pregnancy is the most wonderful and miserable experience ever! I think about what she said every time I tell someone I don't feel so great; I am definitely experiencing some of the miserable part.

I'm still waiting for the wonderful part. Right now I'm tired all the time, bloated to the point my jeans are uncomfortable (I had to buy some ponytail holders to hook the button through the loop) and I feel more nauseous every day. I do best if I make sure not to get too hungry so I've started carrying pretzels and granola bars in my purse and ordering sprite everywhere we go (since nobody seems to have ginger ale). And my boobs are finally sore-more specifically my nipples-they are super tender...like they've been chewed on or smashed. Deep down I'm grateful for all of these symptoms: I keep reminding myself that I feel crappy because my body is focused on making sure the little human(s) growing inside me is thriving.

I have an extra miserable experience to add to the list that most women don't have to go through: because I did not ovulate and conception did not actually take place in my body, I have to continue progesterone and estrogen (pill) supplements until the placenta is fully developed and can regulate those hormones for me. The progesterone injections are getting worse every day-I am SO sore from them and still have almost a month more to go (until October 1st). It hurts when my purse bumps my love handles and is uncomfortable to lay on either side (I'm a side sleeper so I've had to make that work). This week has been particularly bad-no dark visible bruises, but I've gushed blood three out of the last four nights and I definitely feel bruised. Ryan's running out of places to poke me with the needles!

Just so you can see what I mean by "gushed" here are paper towels from the first 2 nights.

Besides sick, I also feel a little guilty. First, because I feel like I should be more excited on the outside. Don't get me wrong-I'm very excited; in fact I (Ryan's been doing this too) have even told every waitress and checker that I'm pregnant and it might be twins. I want to tell EVERYONE! When I tell people though, it sometimes seems like they express more outward excitement than I do. It's hard to enjoy being pregnant when I'm worried about what might go wrong. I will admit that part of my laid back attitude is just because I'm simply exhausted and don't have the energy to be excited. The only thing on my mind is my pregnancy right now. Especially since I feel like I might throw up at any second most of the time...it makes it hard not to think about it!

The second reason I feel guilty is because of all of my friends who are still trying to get pregnant: I feel like I left them all behind. It's strange because I have felt connected to women struggling to conceive even if we weren't in contact regularly or had never met in person, simply because we had this shared struggle. Now I feel like I've left these friends behind, but I don't want to. I guess I just feel like they won't accept me any more. I feel like I'm disconnected from my infertile friends, but I also don't feel like I fit in with friends who never went through what I did to become pregnant themselves. Because I struggled for so long and wasn't able to plan my pregnancy or time it how I wanted I feel like my lucky fertile friends don't understand exactly what I'm feeling right now. I never expected to still feel so affected by my infertility after getting pregnant.

I do have a handful of girls who keep easing my fears-some of these girls are friends who struggled for years like I did but finally became pregnant and gave birth to healthy babies (some are just close friends who know how I've struggled emotionally). One said she was sure her baby wouldn't have a heartbeat at the first ultrasound, even though everything turned out fine. I can totally relate to that because after going through so many disappointments it's hard to imagine everything progressing normally and working out. It's nice to know that pregnancy was a little scary and not all happy and perfect, because I feel like it is a little scary. I can't wait until I can feel movements-I'm even considering buying a baby doppler so I can listen to the little heartbeats every day!

I thought I would be terrified of having a miscarriage for the first trimester, but I'm halfway through it and I'm not as scared as I thought I would be. I can't imagine that something that terrible could happen to us after everything we've been through. Overall, the best part is that I am actually pregnant (still feels weird to say that) and no matter what at least now I know that I can get pregnant. If we have to go through all of this again to get pregnant again in a few years then I feel like knowing I've done it once will make it easier the second time around. I really feel confident that it is going to work out for us this time. I can't wait to find out if it's twins next Wednesday!!